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April-June, 2005

I Am Already Whole

by Rev. Gail Hamley, O.M.C.

After my ordination in May, 2004, I was so excited, enthused and motivated to begin my new life as Reverend Gail, Pathways Minister. My journey had been a long one, with many hills and curves, but the decision to be ordained seemed like I had finally come to the road heading home. I had all kinds of thoughts, plans for classes filling my head. I even found locations to teach and interest was stimulated easily. As time went on, I became paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t do anything! Each time I prepared a schedule for a class, I would feel overwhelmed. I didn’t realize that Spirit was keeping gentle pace. I had a few students I was facilitating and a few Inner Wisdom Counseling appointments.

After the overwhelming fear came the guilt and retribution: I’m letting God down. I’m no good (for letting God down). I’m a wimp. As I was raking myself through the coals, a small Voice said, “You are perfect just the way you are. Relax. You are being guided and people will be guided to you naturally. You need not struggle.” I listened. I relaxed and I listened some more. You see, I work in a corporate environment yet I want to do my true love, teaching. I had been working diligently to pay off debts so I could quit this corporate job and fulfill my dream. Then I began noticing repairs that needed to be done around my home. At the same time, I began to see a great opportunity for teaching in my workplace.

One day, I realized how much fear played in my day-to-day experience. I began to see how fear was a great part of the entire experience. Egos were most often in charge and why not? We were rewarded and awarded for competing, winning, challenging and defeating. The motto I heard most often was: CYA (cover your ass). I began to pray for help. Shifts began to take place like-it wasn’t all about me. I began to have insights about other people and their fears. I began to have empathy and even humor. I began to understand that by seeing through the vision of my True Self, I could actually be a beacon of light to others. Today I offer a weekly meditation class and I have introduced Inner Wisdom Guidance counseling to some of my associates.

God is a gentle God and I am perfect just as I am. I don’t have to do anything, but I am willing to have God use me and I am so joyful when He does. He uses me at my own pace. In fact, he knows my pace better than I do. I have learned that God will use me wherever I am. That is my ministry. People and opportunities open up to me and I receive them in gratitude. Fear was my mask to prevent my light from shining through, a cloudy thought, that’s all. There may be a time when I leave this corporate environment. I am at peace with God’s plan now, though. I have been given many beautiful tools and I know that I am different because of them. Knowing that I am already whole has given me peace beyond anything I could have aspired to.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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