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October-December, 2018

Let Go!

by Rev. Paula Richards, O.M.C.

In a tightly controlled voice, I said, “I have just two words for you.” And, then, I shrieked, “LET GO!” I was so mad at my 96 year old mother that I thought I would explode. I had recently moved in with her to ‘help her out,’ and there I was screaming at her and feeling oh-so justified.

The conflict was always the same. My mom bordered on hoarding, and I loved simplicity. On this day, she wanted to hold onto yet another small trinket that I unabashedly called “another piece of *%#*$. After I screamed at her, I managed to take myself for a very vigorous walk before I could do any more verbal damage because, as soon as the words “let go” came out of my mouth, I knew they were meant for me, not her.

With that tiny seed of awareness, Holy Spirit was able to slip in and help me begin to see the situation differently by asking a simple question.

“Ah,” He asked, “Is there something that you need to let go of?”
“But I’m not like her!” I countered. “I don’t hold onto stuff at all. Look at all the downsizing I did to move in with her.”

“I know,” says Holy Spirit. “My question isn’t just about ‘physical’ stuff.”
“Oh.”

“What do you need to let go of?” He asked again.

Okay. For starters, I queried, “Do I need to let go of the thought that my mother shouldn’t hoard things?” I’m sure He was smiling.

“What else?”

“Oh, let’s see,” I almost chuckled. “I guess I could let go of my fear, my anger, my sadness and my judgment…”

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Holy Spirit replied.

I was still walking briskly, and my anger wasn’t completely gone, but I knew I was being opened up to a significant new way of seeing. I had often heard that whatever we don’t like in another person is a reflection of something we don’t like about ourselves. I struggled to understand that because I didn’t see myself as behaving in those ways.

For example, I didn’t see myself as holding onto things as my mom did. But through Holy Spirit’s questioning, He showed me that what I was holding on to was far more harmful than a few trinkets. It was time to begin releasing my anger, sadness, and judgment — my fear.

Do I still get upset with my mom about her “stuff?” Sometimes. But I am much quicker to catch myself before I say or do anything harsh. I am more likely to look at my own behavior instead of judging hers. I have also come to the realization that we both really want the same thing. We want to feel safe. We just go about it differently. She does it by keeping everything, “just in case.” I do it by decluttering and keeping things simple. And, though I may toss out or give things away rather freely, I’ve been shown that I still have a lot of “stuff” I need to let go of.

Jack and Molly

It wasn’t a pretty picture: me driving down the road, crying, gripping the steering wheel and shrieking until I was hoarse, “I hate my life! I hate my life!” There was no single reason for my distress. It was an accumulation of smaller things that brought me to that precipice. I obviously wasn’t coping very well with my current circumstances. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to pull over, park the car and walk instead. And walk I did! I had so much negative energy that I was literally looking for steep hills to climb to help dissipate my anger.

I was relieved that it was a cold, cloudy day, and no one else was at the park where I had stopped. Or, at least, that’s what I thought. Suddenly, I saw a huge German Shepard bounding toward me. I halted in my tracks. From way off, I heard a voice. An elderly man called to me, “It’s alright. Don’t be frightened. She’s a therapy dog!”

A THERAPY DOG! The synchronicity was not lost on me. Holy Spirit sent me a therapy dog! Instantly, my anger vanished, and tears sprang to my eyes as this beautiful animal enveloped me with her love.

I learned that her name was Molly. I was soon engrossed in a conversation with her owner. Jack told me all about how he was training Molly to be able to bring her into nursing homes. Without going into detail, I shared with him how troubled I was that day, and what a miracle it was to have them appear right then.

“I thought you were walking rather briskly!” Jack said with a smile. I laughed.

“You know what else helps when you are feeling angry?” he asked.

“No, what?” I replied.

“Skip!” he said. Of course! I thought. Skipping takes a lot of energy and helps us connect with our inner child. Perfect.

I thanked Jack and Molly profusely for their kindness that morning, and continued on my way; not hastily, not muttering angrily, but skipping! I skipped down the path until I was tired out and then flopped on a park bench and wept tears of joy and gratitude for Jack and Molly; for miracles, and for the realization that I am always cared for, watched over, and deeply loved, even in my darkest hours.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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