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October-December, 2016

One Face

by Rev. Mary Gerard Lenihan, O.M.C.

I notice a nagging unworthiness, a not good enough, not getting enough done, not “waking up” fast enough. I sense an “internal rut.” Is there anyway out of this I ask my Self. Must I be plagued with this again? It is a gnawing deep within which surfaces now and again, telling me that something is “radically wrong.” I name the problem which I always find very helpful > “internal rut.” I pause and hear the solution > Internal Guidance.

In the pause, Inspiration names the internal rut specifically: “I don’t truly believe in my True Self. That is, I am not certain about who I am. If I am not certain about who I am, it follows that I am not certain about who and what Love is because who I am is an extension of Love.”

Whoa. My lack of certainty in my True Self is a reflection of my lack of certainty in Certainty! inspired Love is Certainty, This big Love is a sure thing — Love consistently loves — that is how it is the big Love. And, if I am uncertain about Certainty, I am uncertain of everything and everyone. Judgment commences!

If that isn’t enough, if I say I am certain of Love, I believe in Love, and yet I am uncertain of whom I am — that is hypocrisy! Such is the dilemma of the cubicle mind, the imprisoned mind. It says one thing and lives another. The imprisoned is imprisoned because it has two faces.

I hear from Inspiration: “To truly believe in who I am, I am to truly believe in the One who sent me.”

What is radically wrong, says the imprisoned mind, is me; I am radically wrong and I need to keep searching and seeking and doing and producing and accomplishing so I can be radically “right!” There is the lie and deception of the cubicle mind.

I hear in the pause that the problem is not that I am radically wrong. The problem is one of belief. I believe in the lies and deception of the cubicle mind telling me that who I am is wrong.

The solution is to believe in an Absolute, All-Encompassing, out-of-the-cubicle, Love. Not just say the words, “I believe,” not just write, read, study, talk, pray, seek enlightenment, meditate, contemplate, get certified in, become a minister of etc. — Love — but decide — and it is a decision — that I want to Believe, Experience and Truly Know the vast view Love, that is Certainty — no matter what.

I observed my father live this way; he was unwavering. At 19 I was taking a Philosophy of Religion class and my whole religious belief system fell apart in the course of 16 weeks. Each religion had its own version of “God.” Within, I resounded with an inner knowing that there is only One.

Sitting at the kitchen table with my father, a religious man yes, but his faith ran deeper than that. He prayed in the foxholes of World War II, a forward scout in the Battle of the Bulge. His infantry troop, the “Timberwolves,” hailed the slogan, “Nothing in hell will stop the Timberwolves!” I looked at my father and asked, “Do you ever doubt?” He paused as he so often did, his fingertips resting on the kitchen table in his way, his pursed lips, eyes gazing beyond his self, he lifted his head, looked at me and said, “No.”

My father was certain of who he was truly because he truly believed in an unwavering, absolute, stable, present here and now, and at the end of his earthy life – God. He was a man of very few words. He walked in this world as a mailman, always with a side job whether a security guard, a school bus driver or a factory worker, yet he so clearly never identified himself with any of those things. They were all passing roles. I would see him reading his prayer card that I still carry in my purse:

Let nothing disturb you,

God alone suffices.

That was my dad!

I used to wonder if he was just born that way or if he had decided to believe and have faith in a one, true God and never turn back. He decided in the foxholes. While facing earthly death, he decided to believe in Life.

How do I know I am uncertain of who I am? I still look to my changing feelings, my chained up thoughts, my aches and pains, the cubicle expressions of others, the nods of their heads, the look in their eyes, their encouragement or lack thereof — I look to the two-faced mind instead of the One Face of Love. I am immensely encouraged by this revelation I have received about deciding to want to Truly Believe, Truly Experience and Truly Know this vast view Love so I can begin to truly believe in who I am in this Love.

Now, it may sound absurd to speak of this as a decision. I agree. Yet, I see now that Truly Believing is not halfway, one day yes and one day no. Truly Believing is unwavering — no matter what. Truly Believing is not shaken by another person, a fleeting emotion, a passing thought. I am not speaking of believing in “belief systems.” Truly Believing is believing not in cubicle mind images of Love, no matter how beautiful the image.

Someone told me once, “You don’t believe in Love.” Knowing for sure I believed in Love, upon his challenge I asked The Mentor Within, “Do I believe in Love?” The Mentor responded:

No, you are in love with images of Love which Will not sustain you. If you truly believed in Love, You would love your Self and your neighbor as well.

Inspiration spoke to me of what it is to Truly Believe. To Truly Believe, Truly Experience and Truly Know LOVE, is to “act from Love.”

It may seem here that I have presented an impossible challenge. After all, in our human condition, we doubt, we seek, we fail, we forget; we can’t be expected to act from Love all the time. Am I saying that if I Truly Believe in this Big Love I would believe in my True Self and always act from Love? Yes! Yet, in those moments that I choose to be two-faced – and I don’t say this in ugliness, judgment, to be rude or arrogant — but simply to share what I actually am aware of sometimes and that is I choose the two-faced cubicle mind – I hide. I hide from Love — and when I hide, I feel imprisoned. But, even the times I choose to hide does not undo that I can choose again.

I encourage you with this; we have been provided with Another Way so we don’t have to hide. Love planted a homing device in each of us; it is willingness. You need only be willing to turn around from the two-faced, double-minded cubicle mind, and say to Love, “Here I am. I am willing to receive the Vast View Love.” When I choose not to act from Love, and it is a choice, then I can Pause, and there is still One Face I can call upon, gaze upon and receive a new breath, a new moment, a new life. For this One Face gazes back, looks at me without a doubt, and shows me Another Way — that I am Vast View Love.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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