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April-June, 2012

Recognizing When self Overtakes Self

by Rev. Barbara Siegel, O.M.C.

Yesterday, I went to an all day workshop with Rev. Jennifer Hadley. It was a wonderful day of fellowship and learning. Rev. Hadley had us do an activity where we wrote all the things we judge ourselves for and then shared our list with another person. Without going into detail, what I learned from this valuable activity was that we all pretty much judge ourselves for the same things: not being worthy, not being loving enough, not letting go of judgments, not being as good or smart as others, etc. The real value of this activity was that I truly saw how we are all one, you are me and I am you. I also saw how I have been playing “small” — not living up to what I truly could be because I let these judgments stand in the way. I mean, I really saw it! It wasn’t just a little recognition, but a true “Ah ha.” Fear, of course, also plays a part. After all, if I live up to my real potential, what will people expect of me? 

After this activity, we did another where we identified our true purpose, our skills, and our spiritual qualities. Again, a very worthwhile activity. I saw that my purpose is to awaken, teach, and counsel others. I left the workshop feeling good, feeling that I had touched my true Self and that I no longer wanted to keep the mask of playing my small, insecure, little self. It was a wonderful feeling. But, as soon as I got in the car for the ride home, I felt it start to slip. When I came in the front door and my husband told me how the realtor who was supposed to show our condo no showed, I felt it slip even more. Then the whole discussion about where to go for dinner, when should we leave, etc., took me back to that little self. It was a physical feeling. I felt it slipping away until I hit bottom just like you would see a child at the top of a slide come down and land on his tush. “What the heck happened?” I wondered.

I got up this morning and still felt down. I went into my morning study time and sat in prayer. “Please, Holy Spirit, please, Mother/Father God, show me what happened. Why did I lose that feeling of being in-touch with Self so quickly and so fully?” Thankfully, an answer came: “The self was threatened and so all the thoughts of not being smart enough, good enough, etc., came right back in through the door of your mind. You didn’t stop them, you didn’t block the entrance, you just let them all come back and get comfortable again. If you want to stay in the Self, you can’t open the gates and let any thought that wants to come through the mind just go through. You wouldn’t let a herd of cattle roam through a field of beautiful flowers, would you? You left the gates opened without any regard for what was going through. Close them now!”

“How do I do that?” I asked.

“Prayer, use of your mantra, discipline and willingness” I heard.

“Okay, I will use all of those,” I said. In my prayer, I told Spirit that I was willing and asked for help in releasing these old, useless judgments of myself that had flooded in. When I was done, I started repeating my mantra, “I am that I AM.” I am the higher Self, I am capable of all that God has endowed in me. I kept watch on my mind. When one of the old thoughts tried to enter, I went to the mantra or to the thought that I am lovable and loving and no longer want that thought of smallness to enter my mind. It took a large part of the day, but I feel I have returned to the knowing I had after the workshop yesterday. I am very grateful for this knowing and hope that by sharing my experience, you might see how you let these thoughts of judgment trample down your field of beauty. If so, I hope these simple practices of prayer, mantra, discipline and willingness will help you to get back on track. We are one! We are all capable of being the Self God meant us to be.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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