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October-December, 2018

Relationships, Healing and Ourselves

by Rev. Peggy Rivera, O.M.C.

How many times have you sat with someone you care about who was sick or even dying? Have you had the experience of being a long term caretaker? Did you take the time to assess your feelings of what was going on?

So often we have the task before us to try to comfort the sick and sometimes we feel we should be able to heal them. And if we cannot help them, we may decide to hate ourselves for it.

Or the situation can be that you are so busy taking care of the other person that you forgot to take care of yourself. That is very common with couples in the fall of their lives. The one who takes care of the one who gets sick often ends up sick themselves. I remember when my parents were in that time of their lives both of them were sick and trying to take care of each other and not able to really succeed so I told them they needed to move in with me so I could take care of them.

I was still working full time and I was a very busy massage therapist doing house calls. I would leave the house in the morning and come home in between clients to check on them. Often there would be doctor appointments we would have to schedule in between as well. You can imagine how that was going. They were not happy living in my house and resented me because they wanted to be in their own home, and all the creations surrounding those thoughts (their own fears regarding the time of life they were in and the uncertainty of the future, afraid of leaving each other and missing their home), coupled with my own creations of resentment, I was more and more exhausted.

I wasn’t ready for the role reversal that was taking place and neither were they. Before you know it there was a big argument which led to their departure from my home. And I was devastated. I was just trying to be helpful. I could not believe how ungrateful they were. By the way, this is before I began studying the Course. I wish I knew then what I know now.

What happens when we let the ego take over? The Course says, “The closer you come to the foundation of the ego’s thought system, the darker and more obscure becomes the way.” ….. But then it also says, “But even the little spark in your mind is enough to lighten it. Bring this light fearlessly with you, and bravely hold it up to the foundation of the ego’s thought system. ……Bring the terror out into the light, there you will see that it rested on nothingness, therefore your fears are based on nothing.” I mean from the perspective I now have it is so clear how I could have done things differently.

I wish that I realized at that time how fearful we all were. People hurt each other when they are hurting. These are the creations of the ego.

We are wired to be connected to each other. We are not supposed to be alone. One of our basic needs is to be accepted by our parents and then to be loved. Then we need to be authentic. But because of our ego creations of guilt and self-loathing, we create illness. That is how illness is an attack on what God has made. When we perceive healing, we have to see that as healing for ourselves just as much as for the other.

How can we help others when we are attacking ourselves?

I watched a video by a doctor named Dr. Gabor Mate’ called, “When the Body Says No,” and he talked about how, as babies, we cannot survive without an adult caretaker like our parents. Without them we would die. And he discussed how we need them to accept us and love us and how we adjust our thoughts so they will accept us. He said that our body has the ability to feel what our caretakers feel. We can tell if they are afraid or mad or whatever they are feeling from our gut feelings.

He asked about a couple of things that could cause a reaction like was anyone in the room ever sexually molested, and then he asked how many people told anyone and none of them did. He said, “Why not?”

They all said they were afraid their parents would be disappointed in them. He then said that is the beginning of a path to illness. And then at that moment, we begin to lose our authenticity, and that is one of the basic human needs. Guilt sets in and the ego attacks. That is when you begin to forget who you are.
I remember a woman who helped me so much because she reminded me who I am. She listened to my story with Love and compassion. I felt heard and accepted and I started my healing journey.

I realized that we can really be of service through Love, compassion, listening non-judgmentally and gently and lovingly reminding each other who we really are. The relationship we have with others must be the same as the relationship we have with ourselves. We have to remember that all pain or illness or belief in separation and fear is really a call for Love. Think of how sweet it feels to hold a little puppy or kitten. How soft their fur is how soothing it is to touch and connect with an innocent little animal. If we learn to identify with that feeling and extend that, think of how pleasing to the soul that would be. We could soothe so much pain, and I realize it isn’t always that easy. We are experts at complicating our earth existence.

But if we learn to really hear each other’s call for Love, and call upon the Holy Spirit to help us understand the dynamics of what we need to take away from this we will be that much closer to finding our Heaven here on earth.

God wants us to be happy and to know how much He loves us. We have a body that we can use to comfort each other, and to create beauty on the earth through art, and music and gardens and great food and companionships. We are partners on this journey, helping each other remember who we really are. We are Spirit having a human experience.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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