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July-September,  2023

The Mirror Experience

by Dani Novak, Student of the POL Ministerial Program

My heart is full with gratitude to God, my Source and Inner Light that leads me from darkness to Light. I am also grateful for Pathways of Light that helps me through the classes that I am taking. I am also grateful for the holy relationship with my mentor.

I just completed three weeks of very difficult and dark times. I felt so guilty and worthless, ate very little, everything was dark and gloomy. Death would have been a wonderful gift… but I knew that the negative thoughts were all in my mind. That it is not true that I am guilty and not worthy to live. Yet the feelings felt so powerful and real. Still, in spite of the mental and emotional agony I kept doing my duty as much as I could.

I continued preparing food for my wife, and I continued breathing. I also continued meeting weekly with my mentor that leads me through the Pathways of Light Ministerial Training. I also continued volunteering and working in a local nursing home. Yet the dark feelings persisted.

Throughout this dark period there were also moments, and sometimes hours, of transcendental happiness. Many of these moments happened when I joined with groups and individuals from the local nursing home: Oak Hill Manor at Ithaca, NY.

In this article I want to share with you one of these experiences. I call it “The Mirror Experience” and it was motivated and guided by my soul and also by one of the exercises in course 115: How to Be Loving, How to Be Loved that I am currently taking in Pathways of Light.

The miracle started on Sunday, April 16, 2023 around 8:00 pm in the evening. I felt very depressed and was ready to brush my teeth before retiring to bed. When I was in the bathroom I looked at this being in the mirror and his beautiful eyes. Instantly I saw/felt his innocence. His beauty, His Creativity, His Love…I was transported to Heaven.

Imagine, out of private feelings/thoughts of agony, self hatred and depression (that makes no sense) came this most beautiful and creative dance of the soul that was expressed through this body that was looking at itself through the eyes that were reflected in the mirror. Wow.

I danced and sang and jumped and once in a while went to another room to share this experience with my beloved wife who stayed in the living room. But the experience did not end there. I went to sleep with a feeling of joy and peace.

In the morning however, I started experiencing the same illusionary thoughts of irrational guilt, self hatred and shame that haunted me for weeks. It was a Monday and I dreaded going to the nursing home in the afternoon. I was afraid to meet people. How can I be in front of people and lead them in a meditation session when I feel so vulnerable and insane?

But somewhere deep in my heart and soul I knew that everything would be okay. That same higher power that breathed Life to me when I came to this planet, call it God, the Holy Spirit or my own Soul will be in charge. I trusted. I trusted even though the feelings themselves caused me mental and physical agony beyond words. I chose to trust! What happened in the nursing home that afternoon was beyond imagination.

It was 3:00 p.m. Monday afternoon. About 7 people sat together around the table. I knew everyone. They knew each other deeply beyond words. Only residents of nursing homes and nurses that work at night shifts know what really happens in nursing homes at night. Residents that are unable to talk still feel the essence of other residents. Most of the people present usually do not talk. But this time something happened. At first the energy was low but gradually it increased, since the Holy Spirit — the Universal Inspiration was in charge.

At a certain point I shared with them the mirror episode I experienced the night before. Spirit was elevated in us more and more. Then Darlene, one of the residents, whispered in a quiet audible voice: “But what if you don’t like what you see?”

The response was immediate. The Holy Spirit prompted me to direct us as a group to focus on each member of the circle for a few minutes (just like the 115 course suggests in one of the exercises).

What happened next is impossible to describe in words. What comes close is that tears were shed, hearts opened, people who did not speak before started sharing. The gates of heaven opened for a short time for us.

This led us to the next session that the Holy Spirit directed through me. It started at 4:00 pm. The official name was “Percussion and Drumming.”  Some residents left, a few came and everyone received a small percussion instrument or a cymbal. The energy that was generated in the previous session was still there. Lloyd, one of the older residents, remained with us.  Lloyd can still walk slowly with the help of a Rollator. He also always carries with him the Holy Bible that he reads. While the residents were drumming Lloyd got up with the help of the roller and started slowly to dance. Dani, Chris and Elaine joined him.

Before I conclude, I want to share with you something else that happened to me a few days ago. It completely transformed my life. I stopped trying to change or even transform the dark feelings that I am feeling periodically (I tried for 60 years but it did not work). All I am doing, every moment I remember, is to say the words (in my mind) “I Choose Love.” This happened a few days ago.

© 2023, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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