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October-December, 2020

The Self Discovery Journey

by Rev. Cathy Silva, Ordained Ministerial Counselor

My mid-thirties were a particularly tumultuous time in my life and ended up being a big turning point and stepping off point in my spiritual and self discovery journey. During that time, I was experiencing some significant challenges in my relationship with my husband and in my role as a mom especially. In the midst of it all, I was struggling to find myself.

A recurring image came to my mind in the form of a waking dream:

I was inside a large bird cage suspended in midair. The door of the cage was open so that if I so desired, I could simply step out and fly. But my fear and insecurities kept me locked inside.

I wanted so badly to be free of the confinement my life felt like. At the same time, I had grown comfortable and a bit complacent where I was. I was in a rut, yes, but I had grown rather safe and ‘comfy’ in it.

I was however, weary from struggling with an underlying desire for ‘more.’ I wanted to play safe and yet something deep within me wanted to throw caution to the wind and step out and fly.

In my imagination I stood at that open door frozen with fear. There were times when I would imagine stepping out and flying. Oh what freedom, exhilaration and complete trust I would experience if I took that step; if only I wasn’t so afraid.

Upon further examination, I realized the cage represented the identity I had so skillfully made of myself. I had fashioned this identity (cage) from sturdy metal, composed of the roles I was attempting to juggle in life — supportive wife, loving mom, successful business woman, devoted daughter and sister to name a few.

Also present in its sturdy composition was an accumulation of my failures, successes, accomplishments and the conclusions I drew about myself as a result of them.

All of this seemed to define me and confine me to be this person who I suddenly realized was not really me at all, and whom I had grown to resent and feel trapped by.

I was ready to discover more. I sensed there was much more to me that I didn’t know or perhaps had simply forgotten. There was more beyond the roles I was playing and this identity of being weak, and not worthy, not important, not enough. And I had this sense, perhaps a ‘knowing’ that this was true of everyone. So I embarked on a new journey to remember who we really are.

I was vigilant in my search.

It’s a question that is ages old: “Who am I?” It was the question that drove and motivated me.

I read and listened to every self-help book and audio I could get my hands on. I started running and walking every day while listening to “gurus” and spiritual teachers that I resonated with. I drank in their wisdom and teachings, and felt them begin to integrate into my own being and life.

I listened intently for the loving messages and reminders God was giving me in all its forms. Many of my walks would take me to the beach. On every walk I would look for that special shell or stone that spoke to me in some way. Some days I would find a perfectly whole shell that swirled inward representing my desire to go inward. Other days the shell that caught my eye was broken and damaged and reminded me of how perfectly imperfect I am.

I collected those shells over time in a jar and they now sit on the prayer table in my office as a reminder of those special walks with God.

I sought out personality assessments and self discovery tools like the Kolbe Index, Meyers Briggs and the Enneagram. The purpose of my search was twofold. I was seeking an understanding of myself and I was looking for tools that would help me in my work as a professional coach.

The ones that resonated the most for me were those that pointed to our beingness and the aspects of ourselves that don’t change. It seemed there was an inner truth about us that we come into the world and leave the world with. One process that stood out and aligned perfectly was “Discover Your Sacred Gifts” created by Monique MacDonald. I became one of a few Certified Guides for the Discover Your Sacred Gifts Process. I love that this process helps us identify the aspects of our Beingness.

In A Course in Miracles this passage seems to describe this ‘Beingness’ which in Reality is our true identity as Love.

“God is but Love, and therefore so am I. The Self alone knows Love. This Self alone is perfectly consistent in It’s thoughts; knows Its Creator, understands Itself, is perfect in Its knowledge and Its Love, and never changes from Its constant state of union with Its Father and Itself.” (W-pI.rV.4:3-5,5:1-2)

The key for me has been my acceptance of the truth that I am an expression and extension of perfect Love. In discovering my Sacred Gifts, I could see the specific ways in which I am Love’s expression. Our gifts are the ways we are in service in the world. When we are living in this giftedness we feel fulfilled and on purpose. There’s no need for ‘more.’ The awareness of my true Self helped me to let go of the self constructs I had made that imprisoned me.

“A concept of the self is made by you. It bears no likeness to yourself at all.” (T-31.V.2.1)

Along my journey now I am so inspired about the work I’m doing along my path most of the time. I feel connected and on purpose. I feel energized, on fire, unstoppable! I know God’s got me and I trust I am being carried along with everyone.

Then sometimes the resistance comes… from my special relationships especially. This happens when I fail to remember who I am and unconsciously buy into those old limiting self-constructs.

When this happens I pause and go within. I recognize the limiting thoughts and beliefs being triggered and with help of Holy Spirit I let them go. I then open to new insights from Inner Wisdom. These insights are symbols of remembering what I know is true.

Here’s one of the beautiful messages from my journaling:

Dear One,

Thank you for being you and for embracing our shared mission with such passion and love. Through the authentic expression of the Love you are, hearts and lives are transformed.

With this loving awareness I am healed along with everyone.

The answers you are looking for that are right for you right now are within you. It does take a commitment to your inner Self discovery journey and mind healing work. That work may come in the form of processes like Discover Your Sacred Gifts, Healing Inner Child, Accessing Inner Wisdom Counseling or simply meditation.
Ultimately the steps are simple and to be repeated.

1. When you are feeling resistance of any kind, STOP and step back in your mind.

2. Be willing to quiet your mind and awaken to your true nature.

3. Look at the limiting thoughts and beliefs that are showing up and recognize what they are. (Thoughts and beliefs that reflect separation and a limiting idea of what you are.)

4. Let them go.

5. Open up to new insights and reminders of the truth. Help will come in just the right form that is helpful for your Highest good and the good of all concerned.

© 2020, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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