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October-December, 2004

The Call of God

by Rev. Erin Lawson, O.M.C.

I was recently ordained as a Pathways of Light minister on the island of Kauai in the state of Hawaii. I was there to complete my “in-person training” with Rev. Petra Sundheim. I have spent the past two years doing the work of all four steps in the process, over the Internet, with Petra as my facilitator. The experience of sharing with her was so enjoyable and fulfilling the two years seemed to go by in a flash.

However, when I came to the start of the fourth step I began to feel nervous. I was not at all sure why and so I pushed it aside and tried to forget about it. I was enjoying myself too much to let nervousness disturb the process. As the weeks went by the nervousness kept cropping up and I began to notice a connection between the nervousness and the up coming trip to Kauai.

for the past six or seven years I have lived a life of relative seclusion so I thought that maybe I was nervous about meeting new people. I found that hard to believe because I used to travel all over the country speaking to thousands of “strangers” and never thought twice about it. So once again i tried to forget the nervousness and let it pass.

The day finally came and I’m off to Kauai. Petra had let me know before hand that she hoped to take me sight-seeing, if we had the time, and she wanted me to meet her ACIM study group. I had not been to a study group since I started living in seclusion so I was looking forward to the meeting. That Wednesday morning we went to the church where the group met. By the time we arrived they had already started their meeting. Petra and I went in, took our seats and exchanged introductions. The group then went back to the business at hand. The first thing I became aware of was how very nervous I was feeling. I started to share and found it hard to speak normally because of the nervousness. I excused myself, closed my eyes and ask God to bless all there with His peace. I felt the calm come over me in the moment but I knew the problem was not resolved. I thanked God for His blessing and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the meeting.

On Friday afternoon we completed the “in-person training” and I began to ponder the ordination service the following day. The nervousness I had been experiencing suddenly became outright fear. I was shocked. My mind started racing, trying to find the answer. I thought maybe if I sat down and wrote some thoughts on paper it might calm me down. It did not help. Finally, I took the problem to the only place I would get the answer and I cried out, “Father, what am I so afraid of?” I felt a huge release of fear and an amazing sense of warmth and peace as if someone had wrapped me in a blanket. Then my mind was filled with the memory of a moment in my life from twenty-two years earlier.

Twenty-two years ago while cleaning up the altar at my church, God blessed me with the experience of witnessing the Holy Spirit descending into my Spiritual partner at the time and baptize me through her in the Name of God. My knees bent, my head bowed and I cried like a baby. When she made the sign of the cross on my forehead I collapsed into a state of ecstasy, unable to move for the next few hours. It was my moment of “Awakening to God.”

God was calling me to serve His Will on earth and I wanted to, but I felt so unworthy and afraid. I keep thinking I’ll honor God’s Law on earth, but I’ll do it this way not the way He revealed to me. For the past twenty-two years I have been running from “His Way.”
The fear I was experiencing regarding ordination was about me finally surrendering to my Father’s Way absolutely. I now know what Jesus truly meant when he said, “I am the way.” I am a Child of God, created by God, for God, in God. All else is a dream. I extend the Love and peace of God to all His children.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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