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April-June, 2014

What Do I Really Want? (A few pages out of my journal)

Rev. Maria Kingsley, O.M.C

I want to express Love as I have always told others: We are here to express Love and to bring the Love that we Are into this world. The Lesson for today is: I see nothing as it is now. This brings up ‘fear of nothingness.’ It seems the world is filled with something, we think, but there is really nothing.

When I focus on ‘my individual desire,’ I feel a power within me, and I believe it is the negative power, an ego power. It feels heavy but powerful, but it also reminds me of my ego self and the ‘force’ I want to use in the world. Yet, I also know the Love energy within me and that feels very different. That is what I truly want.
I recognize the negative energy which seems to be very neutral, as ‘expressing my individuality.’ This energy says, “I am better, I am right, I am superior, etc.” It demands that I am better than, or greater than… This part does not want to be ignored.

When I think of bringing Love into the world, I do not use this energy. I realize that it is not Love but superiority, which I have misidentified as good or helpful.

I felt strong anger this morning when my friend was talking about the fact that what I was saying did not make sense to him, and he did not know what I was talking about. I felt angry because I felt that I was right and he just didn’t get it. So I tapped (EFT) on that anger, and that anger showed up as wanting to be a separate individual, wanting to be RIGHT. Yet I had to let that go and give that to the Holy Spirit within and realize that I am not in charge of anything and that I really do not understand. A great sadness came up; I was probably sad because I did not understand and I had to let go of what I thought was ‘valuable to me’.

I felt that my function in this world is to help others. I felt that I had a unique way to help, to assist, to guide. The sadness then came up that I really am not in charge of helping others. I want to give that function to the Holy Spirit and let Him guide me. I want to surrender and be free of ego motivations. I don’t know what it means to determine my ‘chief aim in life, or individual desire,’ but I now call this ‘I want to express Love’ in the way that God wants me to show It in the world.

The next day, I was continuing in the same mode. I still felt anger and wanting to be ‘separate.’ The lesson today is ‘My thoughts do not mean anything.’ Yet, anger comes up and it says this: I will be poor if I follow God’s guidance… I will be vulnerable… I will be unpopular… I am not in charge…  I can’t determine what is right for me!… I am no longer important… I have no power… I am alone in this world…

I am afraid that I’ll be alone, isolated… pretend to be holy or too holy… I can’t get there… I am not ready… I’ll never have vision or really hearing God or the Holy Spirit… it’s all futile… I feel comfortable in being where I am… I don’t need God… I manage just fine…

I am afraid to let go… it’s not that I don’t trust God but … I don’t know … I don’t understand … I’m uncertain… Yet — I think I am now standing at the edge of the cliff but I realize I’ve already jumped and let go… I am in the air, unsupported by ego, who cannot catch me…

During the processing time this morning, I continued to express these ego thoughts and objections. While looking at this picture and feeling it, I noticed that the ‘force’ I feel around my upper part of the body is a seemingly neutral energy which is dark smoky yet transparent, like a smoky crystal. It feels neural but I sense other stuff in it. This is the picture I got:

It feels like a black panther or a beast, who is sitting there, looking at me as if I am lunch. He is hypnotizing me with thoughts of being a victim and wanting to be a separate individual. He promises the world, but he just sits there. The energy is one of wanting to attack and chop things up to pieces, to separate with anger and energy of destruction.

Yet, I have a choice. I can allow that energy to influence me, or I can go with the Oneness of God and know that he cannot harm me if I am in the Oneness. The Oneness is my safety and assurance and gives me everything. It gives me support, whatever I need, whatever I truly want, and keeps me safe in a loving energy or loving environment.

THE ONENESS IS WHERE I WANT TO BE. IT COUNTERACTS THE SEPARATION. I AM SAFE HERE. I AM FOR OTHERS, AND THEY ARE FOR ME.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for guiding me to feel the embrace of the Oneness. I feel safe now.

© 2014, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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