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Hidden Thoughts. 4-21-20

I had the perfect symbol of thinking that I am alone. I had a problem with the air conditioning ducts in my attic. They were damaged and a little at a time the condensation leaked into the ceiling and water logged it. This weekend it fell down. I was ok with it. I wasn’t sure how to go about getting it fixed and the timing as far as money goes was not good since I am going to that workshop next week. But even so, I wasn’t worried about it. I figured it would all work out, and it did. Perfectly, actually.

Here is what is interesting, though. I had a hidden fear and that is that I am alone and on my own. This is a fear that arose from the TMI, that I am abandoned by God and on my own and not doing that well. I was unaware of this fear at first. Here is how it was uncovered for me. After the ceiling fell but before repairs began, I got a call from a student who had a lot of things happen at once and was feeling alone in her life. She was aware that the ego mind wanted someone to be with her and help her. We looked at these thoughts together and then looked at alternatives. Then we looked at processes and when the call was over she felt better.

Next, I did my Rules For Decision plan for the day and in the middle of doing it, I felt something trying to come up. I felt like I was going to cry but I had no idea why. I decided that I would just open my heart to whatever needed to be seen and go from there.

The next piece of the puzzle showed up as a phone call from my son. I was telling him about the situation and I mentioned that my daughter helped me with part of it that I couldn’t do. He suggested that I be careful about claiming that I am not too old to do certain things. He said that while this was sometimes true it is not something I want to make a habit of. He also suggested that I start exercising to get more strength and maybe do yoga. I felt a lump in my throat and it was all I could do not to cry. I thanked him for his help and told him he was right. When we hung up I sat there and cried not knowing why it was happening.

I asked the HS what was going on and what I needed to know. Then the pieces came together and I saw that, like my student, I had a fear of being on my own. This situation gave me the chance to look at that fear but I didn’t see it at first. I was hiding this from myself. Now that I agreed to look at it, what I needed to do that showed up. I have had to take this back to the HS three times so far. Maybe three is the magic number and I will be willing to let it go.

Another student told me about a Mooji video she watched. He was talking about letting go of thoughts. He used an analogy from his own early life. He was cleaning out his closet going through clothes. When he was through sorting them, he took a pile to a store for used clothes. Later he began to second guess himself and even went into the store to look at the clothes he had given them. At one point, he even bought back a couple of the shirts.

I had to laugh at this. That is how it is with my thoughts of being alone. I give them away and then I worry I made a mistake and will need them again so I buy them back. But at what cost? It cost me my peace of mind. It cost me my identity as a Son of God. It’s crazy. I will succeed, though, because I want to.

And I did!

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