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Study of Manual for Teachers 1/21/12

Day 21

5 The next stage is indeed “a period of unsettling.” Now must the teacher of God understand that he did not really know what was valuable and what was valueless. All that he really learned so far was that he did not want the valueless, and that he did want the valuable. Yet his own sorting out was meaningless in teaching him the difference. The idea of sacrifice, so central to his own thought system, had made it impossible for him to judge. He thought he learned willingness, but now he sees that he does not know what the willingness is for. And now he must attain a state that may remain impossible to reach for a long, long time. He must learn to lay all judgment aside, and ask only what he really wants in every circumstance. Were not each step in this direction so heavily reinforced, it would be hard indeed!

I cannot imagine how hard this step would be without Heavenly help. It is hard enough as it is. Jesus says that sacrifice is central to our thought system and I have learned that this is true, and am learning that it does not have to remain true. I am being guided out of suffering as I do my practices.

I began by learning to be aware of my thoughts so that I could realize how egocentric they were and become willing to be healed. I seemed to be sorting them out, separating what was valuable from what was valueless, and to some degree I was. But as Jesus says, I was not a good judge because I still believed in sacrifice, and this prevented me from choosing correctly.

Another error I made at first was to misunderstand my role. I thought it was my job to think differently, that is, to control my thoughts. This is not possible and only caused suffering. My task was not to control thinking, but only to notice that my thoughts were not my true thoughts, and to relinquish these thoughts to the Holy Spirit for correction.

What I learned during this period of sorting out was that I was not good at it, and that I needed help. I began by telling Holy Spirit, “Here is a belief that I have judged as valueless. Please correct it.” Over time I began to withdraw all judgment and asked the Holy Spirit to judge for me.  I would say, “Here is a belief. Is it valuable?”

I have spent a long period of getting used to this way of practicing. The ego mind is very resistant to giving up what it considers is its domain. It wants to judge and will do so all the time without regard to the lack of helpfulness. I am learning to disregard its judgments.

At the beginning of this step my willingness was still pretty weak and I have spent this time strengthening that willingness through desire. Willingness is not a matter of effort or doing, and the ego finds this confusing. It wants to do something to make all this happen and so I remain vigilant noticing when the ego mind is taking over and letting that effort go.

In NTI, the Holy Spirit encourages us to become empty vessels through which He can communicate. I do this as I learn to disregard thoughts in the mind and experience more and more silence. As I have been able to give up ego thinking, my true thoughts, the thoughts I think with God, rise up in my mind without any effort on my part. I do not think them, really; I simply become aware of them.

I am a beginner, a toddler taking my first shaky steps. My mind is quieter and I am more peaceful, but I still have a ways to go before I am that empty vessel. I am learning not to struggle. I will achieve each step in its own time. I must remind myself frequently that there is nothing for me to do to make this happen faster except to desire it, to be willing for it, and to disregard the ego’s temper tantrums when I relinquish judgment and control.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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