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Releasing the Past Through Forgiveness I have little sticky notes stuck everywhere in my house. It’s not exactly a Martha Stewart look, but they are very helpful to me because each one has some passage from the Course or some other spiritual book. They remind me often during the day of something I am working on. One of them reminds me that I choose not to make plans against uncertainties and I will add to it today’s lesson to place the future in God’s hands. Thinking about how we connect everything to the past made me think about something that happened yesterday. I was shopping at Sam’s when I noticed a family shopping near me. The mom was reprimanding the teenager for something he was doing and the baby was crying. The father looked angry and the teenager looked halfway between hurt and defiant. I thought, as I continued to shop, that this was a familiar scene for them because they all looked comfortable in their roles. I understood this because this could have been my family a few years ago when my son was a young teenager, and we had played out a number of scenes ourselves. Suddenly I looked back because the confrontation had become louder. I saw the mom pushing the cart away with the wailing baby in it and looking very angry and upset. The father and teenage son were standing toe-to-toe, glaring each other down. They looked just moments from throwing punches. I found myself moving quickly away from the situation. I didn’t want to see this. My son and his father had confronted one another more than once and I knew how bad this could be. The problem was resolved for my son and his father through anger management classes, but for a long time, life was very scary around our house. Watching this family’s drama unfold was extremely upsetting to me because I was replaying my past. As I hurriedly moved away, my stomach tightening, my anxiety level quickly rising, I suddenly remembered my lesson, ”All things are lessons God would have me learn.” Immediately what was happening began to take on a new meaning for me. I had a conversation with myself. At first I berated myself for my reaction and said to myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. Then my calmer inner Voice reminded me that I feel what I feel. “Ok,” I said, ”I shouldn’t react like this. It isn’t helpful.” I was still a little upset so I continued the lesson with, ”I will forgive and this will disappear.” I felt myself releasing the anxiety that had held me so tightly just moments before. I then asked myself what reaction would be appropriate in this situation. What would be helpful? I began to pray for that family. I began to see peace descending on them and enfolding them. I realized that I had been feeling angry and resentful of them because of my reaction and all the unpleasant memories it brought back. As I prayed for them, all that melted away. I felt very loving toward them and my prayers became more heartfelt. I can still see their faces very clearly and I am going to continue to visualize peace and forgiveness for them. I’ve been thinking about how all that played out. If I had not been doing my lesson, it may have been just another unpleasant moment which would leave me depressed. I would have also been angry with my ex-husband all over again. Instead, I chose to use that moment and that situation to practice releasing the past through forgiveness. I chose to bless that family, and in doing so, to bless mine as well. I feel so grateful that I was in that place at that moment and so was afforded the opportunity to heal. Myron Jones is a Pathways of Light minister living in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Email: myrongdsl@xspedius.net |
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My children are all grown now. My youngest starts college in another town this month. I love them all so very much. It is incredibly sad to see them moving away from me. I know that this has been the goal of all my mothering, but it feels as if I am losing my purpose and worse yet, it feels as if I am losing them. They are very kind and thoughtful of my feelings, and do include me in their lives at times. Most of the time, however, I am on the periphery looking in, but never a part of their lives. How odd that seems after all of these years being central to their lives. My daughter brought her partner by to hear all about what was happening in my life. It felt good to share my excitement with her, but oddly distant and unsatisfying. It was like talking to an acquaintance, someone I like a lot, and whose company I enjoy, but where was the connection? I was glad they were there; they listened attentively and they had come, after all, specifically to hear my news, but I was left feeling vaguely sad. They were glad for my happiness, but couldn’t really be in it with me. Is this part of the empty nest syndrome I’ve always heard about? It feels the same way when I try to enter into their lives. It is not really me in their lives, just me and them together in a place different from my life or their life. If I disengage emotionally, it is a beautiful thing to see. They are no longer children in need of my guidance. They have all come into their own. I am pleased with each of them. I am proud of them. I find them interesting and appreciate that they are always willing to make a place in their lives where we can share what is important to us. I took this situation to Holy Spirit. Am I doing something wrong, I asked? I feel so uncertain of my role now. How do I be their mother? I want to share with them what is going on in my life, but I don’t want to impose upon us a relationship that is not authentic. I know that in their love for me they might allow it, but it wouldn’t be comfortable for any of us. “Spirit, who am I now? Where do my children fit in my life and where do I fit in theirs? What is my role?” My answer was that they have their own lives now where I cannot enter. I have only one job as their parent and that is to love and support them from the place where I am in my life. Neither, can they be part of my new life. While they can be interested in and respect what I do; it is not necessary that they be part of it or even that they understand it. Love is not an exchange. I have no needs they must fulfill, nor do they need me to fulfill their needs. There is a huge sense of freedom in this realization. Love without needs is pure and very clear. Suddenly I am not feeling that vague sadness and uncertainty when I think of my grown children. I am feeling very excited to think about the new space that, together we are creating in our lives. We will redefine our relationships and with Holy Spirit’s guidance the relationships will be more gratifying than ever before. And, now that my children no longer need my full attention, I allow Holy Spirit to guide me into a life of broader service. This is fulfilling for me, and also allows me to be of further service to my children as I model this life for them. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Myron Jones is a Pathways of Light minister living in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Email: myrongdsl@xspedius.net |
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Due to her physical condition, my mom and I started talking about her death a while ago. We started forming a bond that wouldn’t be separated when she went to the other side. We would cuddle together on the couch, just being our love for each other, just being God’s Love, the Love Jesus taught us. I don’t know if we actually knew what we were doing at the time, but it was those moments of peace and joy we shared that will live forever in my heart. I can close my eyes and be quiet for a moment and be there with her and know that all is well. We are as God created us. We are Love and joy and peace and we are one everlasting. In more playful moods, we would talk about her being an angel. I had a postcard a friend had sent me of an angel. The angel was hovering over a little town, sprinkling gold dust with her wand. Mom said she liked the angel’s dress. I was surprised, because you could see through it. She said, “It’s OK, I’ll be an angel.” And I saw that it wasn’t the dress or the skinny legs, it was the magic wand of Love that makes it all worthwhile. She touched us in life and she continues in death. Her message to me was always: Be happy, touch all with love, and let the good times roll. I am blessed to have had such a mother. Her love will be in my heart forever. There were many times in the months that followed her death that I went on automatic. I became very aware of the face of innocence the Course talks about. I’m “a good girl.” I’ve made my parents proud. I had to do everything right for society. The funeral arrangements, the thank you notes, setting up the memorials, making sure friends, relatives, and family got all the objects for remembrances, all had to be done “right.” There was not much time for those quiet moments of truth. Every morning my ego tacked a list to my forehead. Then there were my ego child’s host of emotions: The greedy little bugger that was concerned it wouldn’t get it’s share of the household; the unworthy one who didn’t deserve the inheritance; the guilt for never being good enough; the depression of loss and tears of grief; the painful physical condition I developed; the anxiety of trying to move family members in the “right” direction; the lack of forgiveness when those close to me were acting out of their child, and the panic that it wouldn’t all get done “right.” The miracle is that I experienced it all from two places. The face of innocence and the ego emotions were in one place and then there was the place of awareness where I knew it was all meaningless and unreal. There was always that quiet, peaceful place inside me where I knew all was well. The place where I could go and be with my mom, be the Love that we shared, and know that it was forever. The whole transition has made me stronger in my commitment to the peace of Love. I feel blessed to know the Love of God. Sally Pankratz lives in Kiel, Wisconsin. Email: SallyLP@earthlink.net |
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As I strung beads to make jewelry with my five-year old niece Noelle, I saw an important reflection of life. I noticed that as I attempted to pull the stretchy elastic string through the bead, if I tried to hurry the process along, my nails would fray the string, making it difficult for the beads to go through. Sometimes I had to cut off the frayed end of the string. If it continued to fray, I might end up cutting the string down to nothing. There had to be a better way! Eventually, without much intention, I discovered if I didn’t pull, but just patiently let the string slide all the way through the bead, gently holding the string so that the bead fell into place, the process went much smoother. A-ha! Exactly how life with God is meant to be. What an excellent reminder of a lesson I am beginning to learn. Many times I have become impatient and tried to “pull” life along, becoming “frayed” at the edges with the stress, doubt, and fear caused by thinking alone and not wanting to take time to clear the obstacles blocking God’s direction. This instance helped me to see that even in the smallest of circumstances, God has a gentle way in mind, one in which I am guided and everything falls into place on the “string of life.” Stephanie Pokorzynski is a Pathways of Light minister living in Alpena, Michigan. Email: stephiewonder1@yahoo.com |
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