In April 2011, I ended a relationship with a woman I was deeply in love with. I met her in 2008 while I was going through a painful divorce with my ex-wife. And in spite of all the rational reasons why I should not have pursued another relationship during that difficult period, my ego craved the coddling, attention and affection of a “special relationship.”
Needless to say, the relationship was doomed from the start. I was attracted to her to be sure and we did enjoy a deep and fulfilling romance. But having gone through the pain and dissolution of a marriage, I was simply unable to open myself and completely trust her.
Loving her wasn’t the problem. My loving me was.
In the few months prior to the breakup, I stumbled upon Pathways of Light. I had been reading the Workbook of A Course in Miracles and I was interested in studying the material further. I enrolled and started taking the correspondence courses. But while I began to experience the self-healing from the Holy Spirit, it was not enough to salvage our fragile relationship. So I released her to find someone who could give her what I didn’t think I was yet capable of giving. Although it was a painful break-up, it was a peaceful one filled with mutual admiration, understanding and respect. And we did stay in touch with each other over the following year.
The Pathways of Light course studies facilitated the healing of my broken heart and eventually culminated in my ordination as a Pathways of Light minister in January 2012. I was thriving. I had done considerable healing work on myself and accomplished a personal goal of becoming ordained.
And then in May 2012 she called me to ask for relationship advice. My heart sunk. My ego was bruised. My spirit crushed. Although I had released her, I never really let her go. And now it felt like I was losing her all over again. I felt a pain in my chest, a weight in my stomach and an ache in my bones. And sleep would not rescue me from my grief.
And then I did everything contrary to what A Course in Miracles teaches. I reacted. I attacked. I defended. I retaliated. I demeaned her. I questioned her motives. I ridiculed her “issues.”
And then I felt guilty. Horribly, terribly guilty.
So, I called upon the Holy Spirit for help. And June 1, I received my answer: “No one can suffer loss unless it be his own decision. No one suffers pain except his choice elects this state for him. No one can grieve nor fear nor think him sick unless these are the outcomes that he wants.” (W-pI.152.1:1-3)
Further on, “The power of decision is our own. And we accept of him that which we are, and humbly recognize the Son of God. To recognize God’s Son implies as well that all self-concepts have been laid aside, and recognized as false.” (W-pI.152:10:1-3)
A Course in Miracles describes a miracle as a change in perception. And that is exactly what happened.
I made a conscious choice to see her differently than the pain in my heart was projecting. I recognized her as the Son of God. I realized she isn’t her “issues.” None of us are. She is, and always was, perfect. And I told her so.
I told her many things since then. We talked a lot over the next several weeks. And on July 20 we went on a date.
We have been seeing each other ever since…
Rev. Dennis Flynn, O.M.C., is a Pathways of Light minister living in Haddonfield, New Jersey
© 2012, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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