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July-September, 2012

I Have Not Betrayed God

by Rev. Vicki Rostant, O.M.C.

There had been an ongoing situation where I felt deeply hurt by a perceived behavior. In my deluded perception, this behavior inflicted me with the deepest, most personal kind of pain. At first, there were all the usual suspects in attendance: Why are you doing this to me? How could you do this to me? In what universe could you think that that is okay? How can you hurt me like this?

Despite repeated assurances from my “tormentor” that I was wrong about the situation, and despite the fact that in my saner moments I had no reason to doubt the veracity of that statement, from time to time I continued to experience the agony of what I perceived to be a total transgression against what I believed to be appropriate. Over time, when it was clear that I could not go on this way, and through the grace of a little willingness to practice ACIM principles, whenever I felt caught in the maelstrom of my feelings about this behavior, I would offer these feelings to Holy Spirit and ask for help.

At first it was for help to have the behavior stopped. Next, it was for help to remove this hell from my mind. Then, it was for help to see it differently. Each time, the sting would become less and less, until it got to a stage where I was not completely overwhelmed by the madness of the feelings I felt.

Finally, I was able to ask for help to see what was truly behind what I was feeling, for there was now a little clarity, and a smidgen of understanding that there was something deep in my mind, a strong belief system, that was fueling this rather extreme reaction to something that I was perceiving as being done, not only to me, but against me. 

At this stage, I sat down with Holy Spirit and was able to look at the situation from a distance: The perceived behavior; my extreme reactions to what I perceived; how difficult it seemed to get to the bottom of the issue.

What became clear was that in all the previous times when I had wrestled with this demon, I had not named it. I was flabbergasted. Imagine spending all that time and energy with a foe in battle, and scars to prove it, and never once did I have the presence of mind to call it by its name!  So I asked Holy Spirit for help to see it clearly.

The next three revelations were simultaneous: 1) It came up, and its name was “betrayal.” It was recognized instantly: I felt betrayed by the behavior. 

2) As soon as it was named, there was the blinding recognition that “someone” had to inflict a deep betrayal on me in order to punish me, because I felt I had betrayed God by seeking separateness. 

3) This was instantly followed by the certainty that I have never betrayed God — it never happened!

In that Holy Instant, God and I were again joined in Love. This correction in my mind brought with it Peace, Joy and Love, and as to my brother, “what behavior are you talking about?!” I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for freeing me from the prison of my false perceptions.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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