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I Was Just Thinking

I think that whatever appears in my life that is not adding to the Kingdom is something to heal. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. It might be the result of the little private hell that I call Myron’s mind. For instance, perhaps I had been thinking about my daughter’s life and thinking she should be living it differently if she wants to be happy. These are thoughts that Myron is thinking and these thoughts are not true in spite of appearances. Holding onto these thoughts keep me in hell.

I think that there are thoughts which do not necessarily originate in the story of Myron, but are simply thoughts held in the one mind that are not true and need to be healed. If these thoughts pop up in my mind or the effects appear in my life then it is because I can heal them. In other words salvation isn’t personal. It doesn’t matter who is holding the error thoughts, the one who is most able to heal them has that opportunity.

If I see that someone is living as if they are separate from God in a way that I no longer do , then I think it has come to my attention because I can forgive that thought in the mind. This way of looking at it has made it easier for me to understand that I do not stand alone in anything. I am always part of the Sonship and all I think say and do affects the Sonship. I am always 100% responsible.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Letting Go of a Cherished Grievance

I read this from the lesson: Let me realize today that the problem is always some form of grievance that I would cherish. Let me also understand that the solution is always a miracle with which I let the grievance be replaced.

I thought about something that happened yesterday. I was driving along minding my own business when suddenly, and with no warning, I attacked my peace with a memory of something I did a long time ago that causes me shame and embarrassment even today. This is not the first time this has happened, even with this same thought.

My first reaction is always to put the memory aside so I don’t have to think about it. But for some years now I have stopped myself from doing that, and have looked at it with the Holy Spirit, asking that I be healed. Each time I thought it was done, that I no longer would feel shame when that memory arose. When it rose in my mind yesterday and I felt those same regrets I couldn’t believe it. I asked Holy Spirit just how long it was going to take to be through with this, and why couldn’t I let it go. It wasn’t even something important, but rather a petty reaction to some insignificant moment in my life, and yet every time I thought of it I felt shamed. What’s the deal, Holy Spirit?

Here (more or less) is what came into my mind.
 
I cannot let this go. It must be unforgivable.

Ha ha ha. That’s ridiculous. It wasn’t even all that important.

It happened. You did it and you can’t take it back. You are guilty. You will always be guilty. There is no forgiveness for this. That is why you cannot let it go.

Holding onto this guilty thought is keeping me from waking up.

Oh, my God. Thank you for showing me that. I don’t want this guilt. I want to wake up.

Holy Spirit: Now you see what the ego was really saying to you. You didn’t acknowledge this message before because it frightened you too much. The reason it frightened you is because you believed it. So you hid the message from yourself, but you could not hide the effect of the fear. The fear that your error was unforgivable kept you from truly looking at it with Me and thus kept it in your mind, where it periodically jumped up to terrorize you. This time, Myron, you truly wanted this clarity and so it was yours.

Me: Holy Spirit, thank you so much. My gratitude is so big I can barely contain it.

I would like to share with you the guilty memory that I allowed to hold me hostage for so long, but I cannot even remember what it was. It is a miracle.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Losing Weight

I was thinking about a discussion with a friend about losing weight. This has been a long time challenge for me. It is really one of those issues that I have wrapped up so tightly with ego thoughts that I have only been able to work my way out of it a little at a time. First I had to understand that food is not the cause of weight gain though it is the vehicle I use in the illusion to create the illusion of a heavy body. That seems pretty simple and obvious but it took me years to get there. I truly didn’t want to know I was responsible for this. I wanted it to be my mother’s fault, the result of a fat gene, or any of dozens of other excuses. I was even willing to, finally, be responsible if responsibility looked like guilt, but I just didn’t want to know that if I was overweight then I wanted to be overweight.

But of course, that is where I finally had to go, because that is where I can accept correction and begin to heal. What I understand now is that being overweight or underweight or any shape and size of body projection is not a problem. It needs no solution. Being a certain size and thinking I should be a different size, and believing I would be happy if my size changed is the problem that needs a solution. This belief that I am somehow victim to my body is the problem that needs a solution. It goes without saying that the solution is not a diet or exercise program or any application of self will. These solutions keep the solution separate from the problem.

This is not to say that I should not exercise or eat a certain way. It is to say that any solution that comes from ego is an attempt by ego to maintain control, that is to be god. What I am doing right now, and this is to the best of my present understanding, is to be honest. When I say I want to lose weight and then have an éclair I have just lied to myself. Obviously, using the rules I set for myself if I eat an éclair I have no intention of losing weight. Can I change the rules I set for myself? Maybe, but first I think I need to work on honesty. I need to stop using the present rules to create victimhood and failure. So when I eat the éclair I notice what I have done and how it makes me feel. I hand-off the guilty thoughts and the fear thoughts to the Holy Spirit and consider my job done. Oh, here is a self judgment thought. I hand that one over, too.

I look in the mirror and see too much of me. I notice those thoughts I am thinking without God and hand them off to the Holy Spirit. I can’t fit into my favorite jeans and feel self-loathing; I hand that feeling off to the Holy Spirit. I am faced with a buffet of delicious food and notice I am not asking Holy Spirit to help me choose what the body could most use. I notice guilt and hand that off to the Holy Spirit. I watch closely for self judgment all the time and hand it off when I see it.

Will all of this help me lose weight? I don’t know, but it is my job, my purpose for being here. It will bring me peace and happiness. We’ll see about the weight. I don’t think it would even matter. Why do I want to lose weight? My reason for being thinner is so that I will feel accepted, loved, and admired because I think that will make me happy. Maybe I will just hand off those goals and allow the Holy Spirit to purify them and then I can skip the whole diet thing and go straight to being happy.

 

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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It’s Perfect

When I noticed that I was feeling guilty for feeling guilty I knew that the ego had lured me into one of its crazy cycles with no exit.  And when I notice that my thoughts are indicative of a false belief I am holding in my mind and I feel guilty or helpless in its grip, I know that , once again, I’ve stepped into the ego’s endless loop of guilt.

For the last couple of days I had been feeling sad, and mildly anxious. At first I wasn’t sure what story had hooked me, but when I examined my thoughts I realized it was the story of my daughter changing our special relationship. She has a boyfriend now and they have hit it off in a big way. This relationship could lead to her moving to be with him. I live on the same piece of property she does so the ego interprets this as meaning she is leaving me for him.

When I realized what was going on with me and really looked at this, it was pretty embarrassing to me. I’m sixty years old. I have lived alone for ten years and like my life. She is thirty-eight years old and has been independent for a long time. I feel ridiculous about the whole thing. Of course, if I hold the belief of loss and special relationships in my mind then I will feel these things when one of those special relationships changes. That’s just how it is.

I was also feeling guilty because my feelings imply I would have her stay alone and single so that she would remain near me. This is doubly ridiculous because even though she does live just a few steps away from me we don’t see each other very often, maybe only a couple of times a week and some weeks it is only in passing. I like that she is there, though, and I can now see my grandkids when I want to, so that relationship will change, too.

I asked the Holy Spirit to look with me as I examined my thoughts and my emotional reaction to them. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. The thought that came clearly into my mind is, “this is perfect.” At first I didn’t understand and so I sat with it awhile. Suddenly I got it. I have asked the Holy Spirit to transform my special relationships so that they will be holy relationships. How else could this happen except to see the specialness in them and to choose to have this healed. That is all that is happening here. It is my request being fulfilled. It’s perfect.

I also asked the Holy Spirit to show me everything in my mind that needs to be healed so that I can awaken. This is being done as well, as I have asked. I see the belief in lack and loss as I look at this. I see the belief that I could truly be separate from all others and be alone. This is absolutely what I asked for and absolutely perfect. It only appeared to be painful because I asked the ego what it meant. Of course, he showed me guilt because that is what he knows.

Here is the way the Holy Spirit helped me to see this more clearly. I saw myself working on an assembly line.  My job was to examine each part that came out and when I saw one that didn’t look right I was to take it off the line. It wasn’t my fault a piece was not as it should be, but it was my responsibility to spot it. I wouldn’t feel guilty because it was malformed, I would just remove it.

It’s the same way with my thoughts. I don’t create thoughts; they simply arise into my awareness. Most of them simply pass through my mind and I let them go on. They hold no emotional charge for me. They don’t hook me.  Some of them do get my attention and I react to them. These are the ones I believe. But none of them are my creation. I have no more reason to feel guilty they are passing through than I would have reason to feel guilty about a damaged part passing by on that imaginary assembly line. But just as on the assembly line it is my responsibility to spot it.

After seeing my special relationship problem in this new light I was able to use it for healing rather than to feel victim to the circumstances. Yesterday when I visited Sheryl’s house Barry was there. What I noticed is that I felt like crying and so I let the tears come. The reaction came and went. I invited them to eat supper with me, and cooked shrimp stew for them. This morning I notice that I am not reacting to the situation. Perhaps I am through with it. I remain open in case there is more to heal. It’s perfect.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Thoughts on Relationships

I have been thinking about the ways in which I try to fill that gaping hole that resides as ego in my mind. When I was young I tried alcohol and drugs but don’t have a taste for them. Shopping was a popular choice for a long time even though it never really did the job for more than an hour or two and left destruction in its wake in the form of mounting debt and finally bankruptsy. Food has been a lifetime device for gaining brief moments of relief or at least distraction.

The ego solution that has been the hardest for me to release is relationships. Ego is so desolate and loveless that it is desperate for relief and the promise of love is irresistable. Of course ego love comes with its own special sacrifice as do all ego gifts. I want from someone what I think I don’t have and so I steal it from them. I tell myself that it is a trade as I give to them what they want, and yet if I had anything valuable I would not need them, so I carry that secret guilt.

These special people become my love/hate objects and my hope of having my neediness fulfilled -  but it never happens. The most I can hope for are more moments of satisfaction than moments of pain and suffering. How could I expect anything good to come of something that is stolen and guilt laden? Even my children are not free of this unholy bargain, for surely I love them most when they are fulfilling my need to be loved, respected, and needed.

I love the Course. I love that it is helping me to recognize the uselessness of special relationships. Since I am not in a relationship with a man now, I am using the parent/child relationship to do this work. One of the most helpful things about the Course is that it is uncompromising. I look at the special relationship with my child and see that as long as I use my children to fulfill my needs I don’t love them. I don’t even know what it is to love them. That is very hard for me to say, but unless I am truly willing to go there, I will never experience healing and so will never experience love.

Once I accept that neediness is not love, it becomes easier. It is like that understanding is a gentle wind that blows away the fog and I can see clearly what I have been doing. I look in my relationships for need. Do I need my kids to call me? Do I need them to respect my opinion? Do I need them to agree with me? On anything? No matter how obvious it seems that I am right? Or that it is for their own good? Because if I do, then that is NEED, not love. And need is just another way to say use. When I say I need them, I am saying that I use them. It is a very ugly situation when I really look at it and I find myself motivated to take the next and final step as I choose to be healed.

When I first discovered the truth about my “love” relationships, I felt hopeless and confused. I tried to love differently. I tried to set aside my needs. It felt sacrificial and I was conflicted. I wanted my love to be pure but I didn’t want to give up what I knew. Maybe it was unsatisfactory and unstable, but it was familiar and I knew how to do it. Trying to have a holy relationship seemed to be beyond my abilities. It was a very uncomfortable stage of undoing.

What is happening for me right now is that I have stopped trying to have a holy relationship. Now I notice the specialness in my relationships. I look at it full in the face with a willingness to see how lacking in love they are. Then I make my choice. Am I ready to let them go? Would I be willing to trust God that there is something better? If I am truly willing to let go of the specialness, I ask the Holy Spirit to take the specialness from this relationship and leave it holy. Actually, I do that even when I am not fully willing to have it done. I need the practice. (smile)

I have reached the point that I want healing more than I want my specialness. Well, much of the time this is true. And each time I am willing to give my relationship to the Holy Spirit for purification, my trust grows and the next time it is easier to make that happier choice. I am discovering that I don’t really need my children to agree with me, and that I am no longer using them for that purpose. I am perfectly comfortable with all four of them being where they are, knowing they have their own Master within and don’t need my help. I don’t need them to be where I am either.

Yesterday I was thinking about my oldest daughter. She has a boyfriend now for the first time in several years. Suddenly she is unavailable to me and I noticed a twinge of resentment, and a feeling of sadness. That is like the tip of an iceburg. I offered to look deeper and see what was under the tip. I know that sadness is just a quiet temper tantrum so really I am angry. I know that a twinge of resentment is just a veil thrown over rage. So the ego says I am sad because the one I love is no longer sharing her time with me. How wrong she is to be that way, and how mistreated I am. I love her so much and she treats me like this.

Ha ha ha. I can only laugh at this now. How could I have ever bought this ridiculous story? How could I have ever called that love? The truth is I think I have an emptiness in me because I think I am separate from God. I am trying to use this woman to fill that emptiness and she doesn’t seem to want to be used by me. Holy Spirit, please remove this specialness from my relationship with my daughter that I may love her truly with the love of God.

My experience has been that the only way this works is to make no exceptions. If it looks like need, smells like need, tastes like need, then its not love. Period.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Cripple Creek Adventure

Regina drove us up to Cripple Creek for a day of entertainment. Cripple Creek is a small town at the top of a mountain (9500 ft of elevation). We went there to watch a play and be tourists. I knew that if it was at the top of a mountain and if I wanted to go there we would have to drive up there, and I also knew that I am very afraid of heights. Recently I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what I was choosing to hold onto that was blocking my awakening. So here was a chance to look at this fear, and since I know that fear is a block to freedom I decided I needed to do this.

The GPS directed us to the shortest route which just happened to be a narrow winding road (which turned into a one lane road in many places) and which also had patches of snow in spots. This southern girl does not like the idea of driving in snow especially since the steep drop over the side is not forgiving of driving errors. Regina is a good driver who is accustomed to mountain driving and also to snow so that was good.

I’m not sure how long it took us to make the drive up the mountain because my mind was busy calculating the exact moment my heart would stop beating if we went too close to the edge. It felt like it was about five hours but was probably closer to one hour. At any rate, it was plenty of time for me to look at my fear.  Now, with my feet firmly planted on relatively flat ground I can joke about this, but while it was happening I couldn’t even talk about it because it is remarkably hard to talk when you are holding your breath.

I really was very afraid. I don’t think I was afraid of dying, but of falling. This makes no sense at all, but that seems to be the way it was. I think I did ok because I didn’t cry, or become hysterical, and the whole time I remembered what this was for. I was able to stay in touch with the sane part of my mind no matter how afraid I became. I knew that I wanted to release this fear that was gripping my mind and holding it hostage. I wanted to be free. I recognized that I could not do this by myself and so surrendered it to the Holy Spirit. No matter how often I took my fear back, I remembered that I did not want it and returned my mind to the Holy Spirit.

I saw very clearly how my fear said it was protecting me. It said that without the fear I would someday do this again. and so if I managed to live through the first trip surely I would wind up here again. My fear said that if I didn’t hold onto it I would stop leaning toward the mountain and without my efforts the car would surely slide over the side. The ego makes goofy promises, but while in the grip of terror I believe them all.

I was never able to let go of my fear. I was never able to look over the edge without wanting to throw up, or to enjoy the absolutely beautiful scenery (I know it must have been beautiful because everyone said it was. Ha ha ha). At first I was disappointed at the end of the ride because I was still afraid of heights but then I remembered something. I was afraid but I did not give into the fear. I went up the mountain anyway. There was a place on the route that said it was the last chance to turn around and I could have asked Regina to do so, but I didn’t. I stuck with it, not because I am brave (I’m not) but because I did not want to give into the fear thoughts. More than I wanted to avoid the fear I wanted to be free of it.

I feel very grateful to the Holy Spirit in my mind for all the true thoughts I had while I was afraid. I am also grateful that I can see the good that came from that experience, and for the certainty that it was not a failed experience, but was really a success. I succeeded in doing what I was afraid of, in remembering what it was for, and in finding God in the experience.

It was a great play and the rest of the day was lots of fun. Thanks to Regina for being my voice for the Holy Spirit all the way up the mountain. Also thanks to Jasmine and Danielle for not joining me in my fear because that would have simply increased my belief in it. They listened to the truth they heard in Regina’s voice and so that helped me feel stronger. Thank you, Holy Spirit for remaining that gentle, consistent Voice for God that keeps me on track no matter what is happening around me.

Regina’s Single Quiet Thought for today ends by saying:
Seek out those things that are not but love, and be done with them, because they are not the reflection you choose to be.

Every time I notice a thought in my mind that does not reflect my true self I know that this is a thought I want to be done with. This fear thought about heights is one of those thoughts to be done with and yesterday I took a big step toward doing just that.

 

 

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Look on All You See and Love

Lately I have been very mindful of the treasures to be found in my everyday life. And I have been very mindful of the gifts that come through my apparent “enemies” that is, those who seem to attack in many ways during the course of a day. You know the ones; the clerk at the store who rolls her eyes when you can’t immediately find the right change, and the impatient man standing next in line who keeps looking at his watch. There is the kid driving recklessly who nearly hits you because he isn’t paying as much attention to you as he is to his radio dial. The list is endless on some days.

Its easy enough to see the gifts that seem like gifts but not so easy to see the gifts that come wrapped in frustration, anger, fear and guilt. NTI Colossians, Chapter 3 says this:
Look on all that you see and love it, but do not identify with it. It is not your truth or your reality. It is a reflection of your thought.
Be grateful for the love that you find. Embrace it. But also be grateful for the reflection that seems not to be love, for it is what it seems not to be. It comes to you in love and grace to show you what you have thought, that you may choose again. NTI Colossians 3:18-25

As I reflect on this verse I see I need to read this slowly and thoughtfully. It begins by telling me to look on all I see. There are times when I turn my attention from unpleasantness so quickly that it is almost as if I am unaware of it. I say almost, because in truth I miss nothing and so I am aware, I have judged (or why would I have turned from it) and it is affecting me. I am the ostrich with my head in the sand thinking that what goes unacknowledged by me cannot hurt me. Not true.

Why is it important for me to look on all I see and how do I do that? What I am unwilling to acknowledge cannot be healed by the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit never imposes on me what I do not want. How can I truly ask for healing if I am unwilling to see what needs to be healed. My experience has been that vigilance is the key to heaven; vigilance for my thoughts, my beliefs, and my actions.

The other day I stopped at a convenience store and bought some water. While there I bought a Moon Pie. This is unusual for me because I don’t usually eat sweets and when I do, I save it for the really good stuff, like homemade pastries. But I really wanted something sweet and I really wanted that Moon Pie. As I picked it up I asked the Holy Spirit why I wanted this. I bought the pie and ate it.

As I sat in the car contemplating the number of calories in a Moon Pie and wondering what happened,  I thought that it didn’t do me much good to be vigilant for my thoughts in this case. I still ate the Moon Pie. But I was wrong. The next day while talking to a friend I received my answer. Before I bought the Moon Pie I had been feeling guilty about something going on in my life, and I had been believing something that wasn’t true. Guilt very quickly triggers addictive behavior. There wasn’t a Dillards nearby so I indulged my other addiction which is sugar.

That was an example of looking at what I see. I saw myself buying something I would not normally by and I really looked at that behavior and asked Holy Spirit for clarity. So how do I love it without identifying with it? Sitting in the car I didn’t love it, but I was definitely identifying with it.

Now looking back at it with my question answered I see some things more clearly.  I love whatever is happening right now. When I don’t love it I am resisting and resisting is painful. Eating that Moon Pie was simply a reflection of the thought that I felt guilty. When I believe these kinds of thoughts I react in certain ways and this is one of them. How perfect is that?!

It is like a red flag I wave before my own face telling me that I need to pay attention. Something is going on in the back room of my mind and I need to see it. This is why I love it. Everything is a reflection of my thoughts and how I experience that reflection is up to me. I can love “all that is” and allow the Holy Spirit to show me the gift it brings me, or I can resist and fight it and reinforce the ego belief in separation. It is ok for me to choose either course, it is my right as the perfectly free Son of God to do it either way I want.

As I make the choice for ego over and over again I will eventually begin to notice that it hurts. Every time I choose separation it hurts. The very act of choosing separation is an attack on myself and it will bring me pain. Then it becomes a matter of how much more pain I am willing to suffer in order to experience separation. 

How about the identity part? Where does that come in? While I was sitting there in the car thinking that I should not have eaten the Moon Pie and that I was weak willed, I was identifying with the action. I was thinking that I am a person who cannot control her own urges. I am a person who is guilty and my guilt is written all over my body in fat cells. That is identifying with what I see.

I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not even personal. They are just recycled thoughts that have passed through mind since time was made for the purpose of separation. A thought floats out of your mind and into my mind. I can watch it as it goes on through to someone else’s mind, or I can grab it and say, “That’s me.” When the thought went through my mind that eating a Moon Pie means that I am less than, I grabbed hold of it and claimed it as the truth about me. I identified with that thought.

There are other things I can do with these floating thoughts. I can let it go on by and watch the next thought that comes through. Or I can look at the thought with the Holy Spirit and ask that it be healed. Just as thoughts are not personal, neither is healing. It doesn’t matter who heals a thought so it may as well be me. There is only one mind and one thinker.

I am learning to love “what is” regardless of how it appears in my life. The clerk who rolls her eyes as I dig around in my purse for the correct change used to be my receptacle for shame. She rolled her eyes and I felt less than. I identified with the thought and saw myself as inept, disorganized, and someone people would rather not be around. I projected those feeling onto her and decided it was her fault I felt like this. She was the guilty one. What an awful way to live, always attack and defend, attack and defend.

As I really look at this woman I see something different. I see my sister offering me the gift of enlightenment. I see her holding out her hand and winking at the joke that she could attack me and I could ever need to defend against her. I laugh at the humor of the charade we engage in.

“Sister, I have pretended you are my enemy and you have pretended I am yours. What a story we are sharing. But it is an old story, played out so many times and I am tiring of it. I am going to add a new element. I am going to look through the story to the love beneath it. I wonder how that will change things. Thanks for playing your part so that I could reach this moment in my awakening. I am eternally grateful.”

And if I choose differently, if I choose to see only the story and to believe the story, I can love that too.
Chapter 3 of Colossians ends with these words:  Praise your mistakes, that they may be corrected. For it is only in praise and acceptance that the truth may be known.
I can love “all that is” including my mistakes. Nothing was ever healed through fighting it, or hating it. I embrace my mistakes, I love them, honor them. They are the steps I took to get where I am right now. And if I choose not to correct them today, they will return tomorrow, gift in hand so that I may make another choice.  How could I not love them?

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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