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Study of Text, Chapter 13: III.The Fear of Redemption, P 10. 7-6-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 10

10 You who prefer separation to sanity cannot obtain it in your right mind. You were at peace until you asked for special favor. And God did not give it for the request was alien to Him, and you could not ask this of a Father Who truly loved His Son. Therefore you made of Him an unloving father, demanding of Him what only such a father could give. And the peace of God’s Son was shattered, for he no longer understood his Father. He feared what he had made, but still more did he fear his real Father, having attacked his own glorious equality with Him.

Journal
Jesus says that if I prefer separation to sanity I cannot obtain this in my right mind. I must use the ego mind to do this. I have a feeling there is a deeper meaning to this statement than I am aware of, but I do understand that this is why we have a split in our mind. In order to experience separation we had to find a way to make that happen. We could not do it unless we left our mind in some way, because we could not believe such an insane idea.

Regina Dawn Akers gave me a way to understand this, and so I have a helpful visual. We made a room in our mind that we could enter and be separate from our Self. Once in this room we shut the door on reality (on our right mind) and so we are able to imagine an experience that could not happen, and convince ourselves that it is happening.

Then Jesus tells us that we were at peace until we asked for special favor, which of course He could not give us. Here is how I understand this. We had this tiny mad idea. It was the idea that there could be something separate, that there could be a you and a me, and that we could be apart from each other and different. Now that we are imagining ourselves as separate from each other, we often project this idea of asking special favor in a direct way, and because we believe we are separate, we believe this is possible.

For instance, when I hear a siren, there is a secret prayer in my heart that I don’t know anyone it is coming for. In other words, I am praying that my family is safe, and this is happening to a different family. Or I see sports teams praying for victory over their opponents, or stars praising God for making them more successful than their competitor.

All these are examples of asking for special favor. We could not have this thought in our right mind because we could no more believe in the possibility that love could have favorites or degrees, than could God. Looking at this it is easy to see why Jesus said that we were at peace before…. How could we be at peace with the idea of separation? There can be no peace in this idea.

This idea of separation, of special favor, was alien to God and of course being not God, could not be granted. So we pretended it had. We made that little room, we went into it and we closed the door on reality. Now we could pretend that God was giving special favor. We traded peace for a belief in specialness. We traded love for specialness.

Just as we had to give up sanity for this experience, we had to give up God as He is. Instead, we made up an illusory god that could participate in our fantasy. This was a scary god, one who might grant favors and might not. One who might choose us or might choose another, and there seemed no sure way to gain his favor or even to predict it. We made up a god who we imagined wanted our sacrifice in exchange for his strange unpredictable love. No wonder we are afraid of this god.

But worse yet, because in our minds we betrayed our true God and our true Self, we feel like we have reason to fear Him as well. This is another totally foreign concept to God, but it is hard for us to let it go because in our little room betrayal is possible and even expected.  We fear what we made and our peace has been shattered. Now we are trying to backtrack, to find out way back to that door, and to leave this insane and awful room. We are learning that we have nothing to fear and that our peace is whole and complete just as it always has been, in spite of our dreams.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13:III. The Fear of Redemption, P 9. 7-5-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 9

9 Save him from his illusions that you may accept the magnitude of your Father in peace and joy. But exempt no one from your love, or you will be hiding a dark place in your mind where the Holy Spirit is not welcome. And thus you will exempt yourself from His healing power, for by not offering total love you will not be healed completely. Healing must be as complete as fear, for love cannot enter where there is one spot of fear to mar its welcome.

Journal
Wow! Love cannot enter where there is one spot of fear to mar its welcome. That is an uncompromising statement. So if I insist on seeing my neighbor as nosy and bossy, I have blocked the flow of love and I have prevented complete healing. It seems like such a small thing, so unimportant. I hardly ever see my neighbor and think of her even less, and certainly I don’t express any antagonism toward her. But that dark thought is in my mind and because I have not opened it to light, I have barred the Holy Spirit from that place, and I am not healed.

So now I am going to change my mind about that. I listened to this neighbor talk and make demands and I asked the ego what that meant. The ego and I are now joined in this decision, how I see my neighbor and how I respond to her. What I am going to do instead is to cancel that decision and all that came with it, and I am going to be in union with the Holy Spirit instead. The Holy Spirit will be my adviser and together we will join in a different decision making process.

I haven’t given my neighbor much thought and have not become deeply attached to my decision about her, so it is not hard to do this. I readily choose to see the Christ in this woman and am happy to do it. Some other decisions I have made with the Holy Spirit are harder to walk away from. I am deeply invested in the previous decision made with ego and so I have to gently extricate myself from it.

My son was in the hospital recently and I worry about him. This is a dark spot in my mind that I bring to the light, then hide away again. I have been pulling it out and putting back for a long time now. He has had a lot of physical challenges and so it stays on my mind. Here is what is happening. I think of his problems and I feel afraid for him. I tell myself it is a mother’s love, but it is an attack on him.

Every worry thought is an attack on his perfection, and an attack on God Who created him perfect. Every thought is a prayer and so my thought that he is vulnerable and fragile is a prayer that he be vulnerable and fragile. That can’t be love. It is certainly not light. I gladly offer these thoughts to the Holy Spirit right now and I ask that He join with me in a new vision of my son.

Here is a new prayer that I say each time I forget and turn to the ego mind for an interpretation of what is happening to my son. I think this prayer often in between attacks, too, as it helps me to remember to join with Spirit in every decision about how I feel about my son.

My prayer is a visualization more than words. I see him standing with friends and throwing back his head in laughter. He is glowing from within and I know it is his holiness that I see. I know that there is nothing his holiness cannot do. I join my holiness with his and our holiness envelopes the world. I am saving him from his illusions that I may accept the magnitude of my Father in peace and joy.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13:III. The Fear of Redemption, P 8. 7-4-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 8
8 Beneath all the grandiosity you hold so dear is your real call for help. For you call for love to your Father as your Father calls you to Himself. In that place which you have hidden, you will only to unite with the Father, in loving remembrance of Him. You will find this place of truth as you see it in your brothers, for though they may deceive themselves, like you they long for the grandeur that is in them. And perceiving it you will welcome it, and it will be yours. For grandeur is the right of God’s Son, and no illusions can satisfy him or save him from what he is. Only his love is real, and he will be content only with his reality.

Journal
Love is what I am, and it alone will satisfy me. I will know myself as love when I know my brother as love. These are facts and I am glad that I know them. It is the foundation of forgiveness, of the Atonement, of my Awakening. I awaken as I awaken my brothers. I accept the Atonement for myself as I accept it for my brothers. I forgive myself as I forgive others. I recognize myself as the love that I am through recognizing it in everyone else. There is no other way.

This also helps me when I see it from the other direction. If I see guilt in my brothers, I will not see myself as love because I will inevitably see myself as guilty, and love is not guilt. I cannot contain guilt. If I see guilt anywhere, I will see it everywhere. It will not be held discreet, appearing only where I think it should be. This is what I have not wanted to know. I wanted to think that I could justify my judgments and thus keep them away from me. But it doesn’t work like that.

I had a problem with someone and I wanted to release that grievance because I want the peace of God. I cannot have the peace of God for myself if I refuse to give it to anyone else. I didn’t tell this person anything to cause them a lack of peace, or do anything to her. But in my mind, I denied her peace. I blamed her and found her guilty. There is no way I can have peace and blamelessness and guiltlessness if I choose not to give it. It is in giving it that I know it is mine. I can’t have what I don’t know is mine.

I decided that keeping her guilty was not worth the effort. It was not easy to let go of all the judgments I had against her because I had convinced myself that they were true. I had asked the ego what to believe and then had asked the ego what to do about it. The ego said that my judgments were justified by her behavior. It said that I must defend myself against her. Even if all this took place only in my mind, and never took form, it was still causing effects.

So I asked for a new way to see. The ego had no new way, and so I had to ask the Holy Spirit to interpret this situation for me. Before I could do that I was directed to look up close at all the thoughts I believed about this relationship. I was told to look at them honestly, without spiritualizing the situation, or hiding my unkindness. So I did this.

I made a list of every little thing about this person that bothered me in any way. It was ugly and it was enlightening. What I had seen only as a minor irritation was actually enraging to me. I had no idea. I saw why it was that I was told to do this exercise. Then I used a form of Ho’oponopono to forgive it. This is what I said:

I’m sorry for my projections onto you, Friend.
Please forgive me for the story I made up in the dream.
I love you, holy daughter of God. I love me as my holy Self.
And I thank you, Holy Spirit, for the Divine healing of my mind.

This was a wonderful release. All the judgments simply dissolved and I felt light. I felt like the love that I am. My justifications for holding a grievance and my defenses against her were the out-picturing of my grandiosity. My decision to see it differently by seeing it with God rather than ego, was the out-picturing of my magnitude. It was the reflection of God in and through me. I am grateful to be free, and to know that I am love. I’m willing to do this with every dark thought in my mind.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: III.The Fear of Redemption, P 6. 6-29-16

III. THE FEAR OF REDEMPTION, P 6
6 You must look upon your illusions and not keep them hidden, because they do not rest on their own foundation. In concealment they appear to do so, and thus they seem to be self-sustained. This is the fundamental illusion on which the others rest. For beneath them, and concealed as long as they are hidden, is the loving mind that thought it made them in anger. And the pain in this mind is so apparent, when it is uncovered, that its need of healing cannot be denied. Not all the tricks and games you offer it can heal it, for here is the real crucifixion of God’s Son.

Journal
The first thing I note is that I must look upon my illusions and not keep the hidden. What comes to mind is that I must look at the world and accept that it is an illusion, and the world includes this body and this separate self. It includes all the concepts within the world I made up, anger, hatred, guilt, suffering of any kind and death. I must look at it all and know it for the illusion it is.

I also think of it in terms of thought, because really, the world is thought taken form. Release the thought and the form is gone with it. So I look at my thoughts and my beliefs and know them for the illusion they are. I get to this knowing by asking the Holy Spirit to correct my thoughts. Jesus tells us that first we will see our thoughts purified, and our projections (our world) will be seen differently. It will be experienced without the effects of guilt and fear, therefore, it will be seen happily. Then after a time, time will disappear as will the world. All will disappear into God.

But right now, my focus is on allowing the wrong minded thoughts to rise up in my mind, to be seen clearly and without any attempt to hide them or hide from them. I will see them with the Holy Spirit and He will heal my mind. I can do this. It is simple and easy to do. When it seems otherwise, it is only because I have found a thought I would keep. And even then, I can change my mind, perhaps using the Rules for Decision.

Then Jesus says they do not rest on their own foundation. If I think that someone’s words hurt my feelings, that can feel very real to me. I might think it is hard for me to forgive it because it really happened and there were real effects. So I think my grievance rests on its on foundation, a foundation of rules that govern my world and dictate how I act and react. But Jesus says, no. He says that there is no real foundation for the world I made. The foundation is as illusory as the rest.

I have seen how true this is. I have been very upset over something said or done and experienced the stress and unhappiness that comes with the grievance. And when the discomfort becomes too great to bear, I finally surrender it to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to show me another way to see it. All of the effects of the belief I was holding disappear as I let go of the belief. I become light and free and happy.

If there were really a firm foundation under these beliefs, they could not be so easily discarded. They could not shift and change as they do. I can believe something for a long time, and then believe something totally opposite. This is the way of the world because there is nothing real or true about it. On the other hand, if I allow the world I made to be reinterpreted for me, I will find that there is something real supporting this new interpretation. There is a loving mind.

Where it went all wrong, is that the loving mind that made the world thought it made the illusion in anger. That was an interesting way to state this. It thought it made them in anger. So I think I have something to fear to be guilty about. This mind is in pain and will be until these false ideas are laid to rest. They are laid to rest as they are exposed to the light of truth. This is why I look and look and look, even when it is unpleasant or even when it is frightening. I look with the Holy Spirit and then I release what I see to Him.

I have a favorite song by the Agape Choir that says:

I release. And I let go. I let the Spirit run my life.
And my heart is open wide. Yes I am only here for God.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13:III. The Fear of Redemption, P 5. 6-28-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 5

5 You can accept insanity because you made it, but you cannot accept love because you did not. You would rather be a slave of the crucifixion than a Son of God in redemption. Your individual death seems more valuable than your living oneness, for what is given you is not so dear as what you made. You are more afraid of God than of the ego, and love cannot enter where it is not welcome. But hatred can, for it enters of its own volition and cares not for yours.

Journal
What Jesus is telling us here is pretty clear. We made the ego so we treasure it above what God made. We will suffer and die rather than give up what we made. Ego imposes its beliefs, but Love cannot enter where it is not welcome. I see that and I accept it. It is amazing to me that I still choose crucifixion over redemption. And yet I see it in its subtlety, and in its brazenness alike.

I have someone in my life who is very competitive and who challenges me constantly. When I am in my right mind, I know this for the fear that it is. But I am not always in my right mind, and on those occasions I want to defend myself. I want to return the attack and at the very least, I think attack thoughts at her. I have been using the Rules for Decision to shift this in my mind, and I am certain that I will do so. In the meantime I am in this little private hell that I made with my beliefs. I am so enamored with my own “creation” that I cling to it even as it hurts me. Crazy.

It is just this kind of thing that Jesus is talking about. We begin with the belief that it would be interesting to experience separation, to be alone in mind. And from that idea, the world of illusion unfolds, and separation thoughts explode from the decision to experience separation. These ideas take form for our viewing pleasure, and through the power of our mind, we imagine we are having a real experience of it. We feel, and sense in every way, a world of our own making based on our own laws. And we love it. It is ours.

Now it is time for me and for you to leave behind this strange and limiting idea, and to return to our Divinity. This is possible because it is only a dream and so we choose to wake up and we do. It seems that we must not shock ourselves with a sudden awakening, that we must back out of our little kingdom slowly, and that is what the Course is for. It is helping us to let go of the illusion and to remember the truth of our being.

So when I notice that I feel angry toward this contrary person in my life, I recognize that I must have been using the ego mind to experience her. Using the simple steps in the Rules for Decision, I change my mind. I start listening to the Truth in my mind, to the Holy Spirit, and as I am ready, my angry separation thoughts give way to love. I have taken a step toward Awakening.

This step feels so much better that I want to take another. So I watch my mind for opportunities, and when I see fear or guilt, anger or depression, any of the separation reactions, I begin the process again. Each step enlightens my mind a little more, and so there is less darkness and I see more clearly. I am walking Home as I make these new choices and the more often I make them, the faster I walk. One of these days I am going to run into Love, throw myself into It with abandon! Oh yes!

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Study of Text, Chapter 13:III. The Fear of Redemption, P 4. 6-27-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 4

4 You have built your whole insane belief system because you think you would be helpless in God’s Presence, and you would save yourself from His Love because you think it would crush you into nothingness. You are afraid it would sweep you away from yourself and make you little, because you believe that magnitude lies in defiance, and that attack is grandeur. You think you have made a world God would destroy; and by loving Him, which you do, you would throw this world away, which you would. Therefore, you have used the world to cover your love, and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there. And it is this that frightens you.

Journal
Reading this I see that the whole problem is very simple. I love God and my love for Him is so big, so intense, so complete, that if I let myself remember that love, I would rush to Him, and into Him. My fear is that this would leave me helpless, crushed, obliterated. I would be nothing. I would cease to exist, is the fear I have. So I defend myself against God.

I attack His memory and then I run deeper into the darkness of the ego, to hide from His wrath. I believe that this attack and defend strategy is my strength. And all this is happening only in my mind. I attack what I am, and I hide from my Self. And nothing is happening because none of this is possible. God cannot be attacked and I cannot defend against Love.

I dream and dream and dream. I dream of suffering and loss and pain. Mostly, I dream of fear. I am afraid to come out of the dream and I am afraid to go more deeply into it. I am afraid of God and of my Self, afraid that I have hidden myself away, and afraid I have not hidden well enough. In my mind, I have made this self, this body, this world, and I have given it value and now I think I must defend it against Love. And all the time, I love God and He loves me, and I cannot hide from Love. I can only pretend to do so.

“and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there. And it is this that frightens you.”

And this is the essence of our resistance to doing the work. We are afraid of looking at our ego thoughts because we are afraid of finding the Love that is hidden there. I have been vigilant for my thoughts and have been taking them to Spirit for correction for years now, and yet I still resist at time. Recently, I have noticed myself pushing some of these thoughts down and away. Holy Spirit told me to stop doing that, to look at them with Him. I have nothing to fear in looking, because ultimately I will find only Love, and Love will not destroy me; it will fulfill me.

The world I made to play at separation is of no value. It is nothing, just thought given temporary form. It is meaningless. It is not me, not this body or this life or any other life. Letting it go would have as much impact as does coming into the house after a day of play has for a child. This is all we are doing with the study of the Course. We are convincing ourselves to let the memory of Love overtake us. We are choosing to come out of the dark, to return to our Home after a moment of play. The solution to the only problem we have ever had is simple; surrender into God; surrender into Love. Return to my Self.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: III.The Fear of Redemption, P 3. 6-22-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 3

3 In honesty, is it not harder for you to say “I love” than “I hate”? You associate love with weakness and hatred with strength, and your own real power seems to you as your real weakness. For you could not control your joyous response to the call of love if you heard it, and the whole world you thought you made would vanish. The Holy Spirit, then, seems to be attacking your fortress, for you would shut out God, and He does not will to be excluded.

Journal
Is it harder for me to say I love you than for me to say I hate you? I think that may be true. It has been shifting, and I say I love you more often, and I mean it. But I still feel resistance sometimes, especially if I feel attacked. I don’t use the word “hate” not out loud and not even in my mind. But I mean it. I even feel that way toward people I love at times.

Yesterday, I said something that triggered a response in my daughter. I apologized but she didn’t want to let it go and I started to feel guilty for my thoughtlessness. Instead of being loving, I was sarcastic. That sarcasm was just another way of saying, I hate you for making me feel bad. Then, of course, I felt worse. When I feel threatened at work, I respond with hateful thoughts. When I catch that, I ask for help to see differently, but I see that I choose defense first many times.

The idea that I need to protect this body, this image, this life, is what inspires the desire to attack and what provokes the hateful responses. As long as I keep defending and attacking, I will not be willing to hear the call to Love. When I defend myself against my brothers I defend against union, and so I defend myself against God because God is not division. My strength lies in God. In my defensiveness I am choosing weakness over my own power.

Another way to say this is that we know, deep within a hidden place in our mind, that the only way we can keep ourselves from responding joyfully and eagerly to God’s Call to Love, is to defend against it. We protect ourselves from this Call by convincing ourselves that guilt and fear are real, and that we must defend against them. So we have made a false association between hate and safety. In so doing, we have cut ourselves off from our true power which is love. Since we believe attack is our salvation, we have taught ourselves to see God as the enemy Who would destroy us with His love.

Understanding this, I feel more compassion for those who act out of fear. I can think of the man who killed all those people in Orlando and realize that he is unlike me only in that he acted on the fear and hate that is also in my mind. I can help us all if I ask that my mind be healed of hate, and that I open to love instead. Each time we see hate in our mind and allow it to be transformed by the Holy Spirit, we undo this insane thought system a bit more, and sanity becomes more attractive to us. We fear less and love more. We open to God a bit more and are more attracted to His love.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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