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Study of Text, Chapter 11: VI: Waking to Redemption, P 5. 11-4-15

VI. Waking to Redemption P 5

Journal
Jesus is helping me to understand why it is that I am so attracted to guilt and fear even though it is obviously painful for me, and clearly not necessary. It is because I have made the ego my god, and I worship at it’s altar. My devotion is powerful and so my slavery is as complete as my freedom. It’s crazy. I hurt myself through my decision to be hurt.

I can stop it by simply making a different decision. I can worship my creator instead of the false God I made to take His place. That is all that is required for me to get down off this cross and live in freedom. I do understand this. It is the reason I have chosen surrender as my path to God. I feel drawn to surrender even though it is not my natural inclination, at least in the world.

I have spent my life becoming independent. I have worked hard at it. Even in my study of the Course I have focused on letting go of the idea of victimization, and sometimes for the wrong reason, I think. Only recently have I accepted the idea that victimization is impossible. I am the maker of all things in my world so how could I be victim to anything. At first, though, I just wanted to be successful at being independent and strong.

As I let go of more false beliefs, I have more clarity. It is not something I earned. It is simply the effect of allowing my mind to be cleared of all that obstructed the truth. I am learning that I don’t know what anything means. I am coming to value the “I don’t know” mind. What a strange thing it is that the less I claim, the more I have.

The more dependent I become on my Father, the freer I am. I thought dependence was loss, but I was wrong. Loss of ego independence was not a sacrifice and it cost me nothing and gave me everything that I have so far been willing to accept. I am slowly coming to the realization that the self-will I used to treasure above all else doesn’t even truly exist. Being part of God, I share His Will. How could that be a sacrifice?

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