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Study of the Text 3-19-13

3-19-13
5 The term “Last Judgment” is frightening not only because it has been projected onto God, but also because of the association of “last” with death. This is an outstanding example of upside-down perception. If the meaning of the Last Judgment is objectively examined, it is quite apparent that it is really the doorway to life. No one who lives in fear is really alive. Your own last judgment cannot be directed toward yourself, because you are not your own creation. You can, however, apply it meaningfully and at any time to everything you have made, and retain in your memory only what is creative and good. This is what your right-mindedness cannot but dictate. The purpose of time is solely to “give you time” to achieve this judgment. It is your own perfect judgment of your own perfect creations. When everything you retain is loveable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you. This is your part in the Atonement.

I love this section on the Last Judgment. When I first began the study of the Course I could not imagine God not judging my behavior. I considered all sorts of variations of the Last Judgment in which God judged me but was merciful, but always there was a judgmental God. I guess this part of Christianity was hard for me to let go.

Perhaps it was because I felt so guilty that I could not imagine not being judged. And of course, I still found value in judging others so I would not let go of the idea of judgment. If I hold onto the idea of judgment, I will judge myself. As Jesus said in the New Testament, “Judge not lest ye be judged.” He understood that if I judged others it was inevitable that I judge myself as well.

I understand now that the last judgment is the process of looking at all I have made and deciding what is real and worth keeping. I have all the time I need to do this. That is what time is for. Yesterday, I mentioned that I had another opportunity to look at the idea of pain and suffering (which is one of the things I made up) and decide if this is something I want to keep.

I have had a pain in my neck off and on for a long time now, maybe a couple of years. It suddenly got worse and the ego would like to make a big deal of this. I have thought about getting an MRI for this and the ego thinks this would be a good idea. I will if I need to, but I don’t really want to because having a diagnosis will just make it harder to realize it is not real.

I am absolutely not against going to the doctor and doing whatever it is I need to do at this point in my process of waking up. I am where I am and that’s ok. I am never guilty for any decision I make so there is no need to act in a certain way. In fact, knowing where I am is useful because it lets me know what yet needs to be healed, and I can work on that. But I have let go of a lot of things and I want to give myself a chance to look at this before I make a medical decision.

When I had a kidney stone I used the situation to do this work. I looked at it and decided if this thing I had done was valuable and something to hold onto. I finally decided against it because I foresaw a lot of pain and I did not want that pain, and I had practiced enough to know that it was possible to let it go.

However, I had set things in motion with a doctor and even though I knew the problem had been resolved, since there was no pain involved the doctor didn’t believe it. I allowed myself to be swayed and let the doctor do surgery. In spite of weeks of cat scans which clearly showed a fair sized stone, when he did the surgery he didn’t find anything. It was no longer there.

It was an unnecessary surgery and financially costly, but it was a part of my learning process. This is one of the reasons I am waiting to see with the neck problem. I remember how hard it was to ignore the diagnosis and the warnings of the medical profession. However this goes, whether I will decide to judge against this thing I have made or not, I will use it for the purpose of waking up. This process of looking and making a judgment about what I made is part of the Last Judgment, and whether I decide against it or not it is an important step in that direction.

Here is another example of the Last Judgment. I was annoyed with someone I know. I noticed how harshly I was judging him, and so I asked for the Atonement for myself in this situation. I repeated this several times and in a moment of frustration I wondered how many times I was going to have to do this before I let it go.

I had no doubt that this belief in judgment needed to be released. I saw clearly that I was projecting. Projection is another defense that I want to see healed. But I kept going back to how wrong he was in spite of the obvious truth. When I had that thought, “How many times am I going to have to do this before it is done,” I received an answer. There were no words, just a knowing, but if put into words this is what I was told. “You must mean it. “

I immediately realized that I had been going through the motions without truly looking at it and deciding what I wanted. I was saying I wanted the Atonement because my judgment was making me anxious and unsettled, not because I wanted anything to change. I had not decided that I wanted to be free of judgment and projection, just that I didn’t want to suffer the consequences of those things.

So I stopped immediately, realized that I do want to be free. I mentally went through the process of opening my heart to Love and allowing my self to accept the Atonement. I asked, with sincerity that my mind be healed of this. It took all of three or four seconds, but then it was done. Forgiveness was complete and I was at peace.

This is the process of the Last Judgment. Who knew it would be me that was doing the judgment, and not of myself, but of what I have made? I cannot judge myself because I did not make myself. I can only judge what I made. I am not judging that I was wrong to have made them, but am judging whether they are worthy of me and if I want to keep them. 

And I have all the time I need to do this. I can drag it out for another million years if I want the misery. Or I can, with the Holy Spirit’s help, look at what I have made, judge against what is not creative and good, and live the happy dream until we all return our mind to Oneness. I have made my choice about this, and I make it over and over until there is no question in my mind about what I want.

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