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July - September, 2008

I Am Fresh in Heaven

by Brenda Eden

This title is one of the sharings that Rev. Robert B. Mills told me as I sat with him in our home as he prepared to be done with the body. “Heaven is here. There is nowhere else. Heaven is now. There is no other time.” ACIM M-24.6:4-7

Our journey began when I was choosing to follow a spiritual path over 23 years ago. Robert also was on that path and using Guidance, which he shared with me.

Over the past winter each of us received signs that a change was coming. Robert told me he was done with this place (our home) and I happily interpreted all indications that we were moving somewhere and Robert would teach classes and I would be “guest-master.” (I have since learned to ask Holy Spirit for interpretations.) The exit plan that Robert traveled was pneumonia and discovery of stage 4 cancer. This was a story as another plan was unfolding.

I did have anger and denial about the medical events and recognized that I could hang onto that or be in the present moment and give my support to Robert. Feeling great distress, I went to the hospital chapel, was quiet and discovered that I want what I want. I want a miracle to heal Robert so that we can be together. As soon as I think this, I know that I am limiting unfoldment of miracles. I call upon the Mighty Companions for help. I affirm that I am open to miracles. (Later, I re-read the 50 miracle principles.) I know and feel that I am open to all miracles.

In the next two weeks, miracles indeed unfolded around us. I could literally see barriers to love tumbling down. In my vision I saw a tower of bricks surrounding love. The bricks just popped out of the walls and shattered. Love was revealed. “Every loving thought held in any part of the Sonship belongs to every part. It is shared because it is loving.” T.5.IV.3: 1-2

As I sat with Robert in the hospital and then in our home, I know that my job was to be and to speak the truth. I repeated to Robert phrases from ACIM, either that he told me, that I remembered, or words that came to me. Among these were:

• You are a forgiven Son of God.

• You are held in the arms of God.

• I forgive you for what you did not do.

• Love is all there is.

• Jesus is holding your hand.

• The truth is true and nothing else is true.

• Jesus says to leave behind your dreams of madness.

I affirm that I trust the Holy Spirit will give me prompts. I affirm that I will be guided by Holy Spirit. This is the Guide I choose!

In the next few days, Robert alternately sleeps and wakes up, telling me different words or phrases.

From Robert:

“Who is dying here?”

“No one is dying here.”

“I am fresh in Heaven.”

“I am ready.” “I am quiet.”

“I am prepared.” “Home.”

One day Robert asks me, “What is wrong with me? What is happening?” I tell him that his body in this dream has pneumonia and cancer. His Spirit is in the one Mind of God. Robert asks, “What should I do?” I tell him to listen and ask Holy Spirit.

Robert is quiet, holds his water cup (which he has been equating to Holy Spirit) and listens. I understand that Robert received the answer of sharing with others, either in or out of the body. I tell Robert that I would like to continue to share with him in this body form. It is not my decision. If it is time for him to return to the Mind of God, I am fine with that. I am quiet and experience peace.

Robert has more sharings at 3 a.m. Sunday morning. I move a cot into his room and take notes.

From Robert:

“Be formless.”

“I’m off the hook.”

“I am free.”

“Home.”

“I’m in Perfect Love.”

“I love you. You are my true love.”

In the days I have been sitting with Robert, I observe and see only innocence in him. I cry and forgive myself for ever thinking of withholding love from him (or any child of God) or blaming him for my faults. Robert is now clearly innocence and light.

Sunday afternoon Robert sleeps. I sleep in the room on a cot. I am aware of an all-encompassing feeling of peace in the room. It is so full that there is no other thought. As I seem to awaken, I feel a glowing warmth and hear in the back of my mind the words, “A peace that passeth all understanding.” I have no concept of place or time.

I will recall this a week or so later and recognize that it was a moment of joining with Robert in Heaven. (This is for my human self.) There was no separateness or individuality. It was One and nothing else.

Through Sunday night it has come to be done with the body for Robert. On Monday morning I awake and Robert’s breathing is labored. He cannot swallow or speak. I greet him with Namaste.

He has a fever. I get a basin of water and wash his brow and leave a cool cloth on it. I use a moist swab on his lips and tongue. I ask, “What do I do now?” I hear, “Put in laundry.” After that I ask, “What do I do now?” I then tell Robert that God’s Love is what you are. I wash his brow again and listen for the next thing to do. I repeat an energy clearing treatment by moving my hands over the body to let energy flow in from the top of the head, down the spine and around back up leaving at the third eye. I tell Robert that I am dusting off the ego to go to its no-thing-ness.

I tell Robert that I will always know him wherever I see Love. One tear appears at the side of his eye. I know that is a sign that he hears me. I am quiet. It next comes to me to say these words:

“You are breathing with the body’s breath right now. Under that is God’s breath. When you are done with the body’s breath, you will be breathing God’s breath.”

Robert then took a deep inhale and a deep exhale and was quiet. The peace in the room was unchanged. I was clear that Heaven is here now.

“I am fresh in Heaven.” RBM.

There is postscript to this story. I am learning a new relationship now with formless Robert. I have memory of him even though he now is in One Mind. To help ease my adjustment, I awoke the day after Robert passed on and received in my mind these words: Spacious awareness. I knew they were from him as a direction to next take. I also had at three different times, a houseplant wave a leaf at me. Hi! He and I have been sharing our readings and thoughts for some time. I considered this to be the most important part of our relationship and have realized that it is still available.

In the area of direction for me, I have received signs. When we first came home from the hospital, there were many people in the house. I didn’t want anyone in our space. As soon as I thought that, I saw an image in front of the wall I was looking at. It was a giant seed pod that opened and released thousands of clear seeds (they all had little lights in each one). They expanded and floated everywhere. I knew then that our relationship had matured and was to be shared.

I asked one day what will I do now in general and received these words in the back of my mind:

“Look upon ALL your brothers in the same light of innocence in which you saw Robert.” I know that this is so. I am making my best effort. I make friends with the now moment. I let go of judgement when it comes up. I forgive.

I also found a journal of Robert’s. I am glad that I chose to be open through his exit process. He had done a clearing process in January and opened himself to the next level to come, whatever that would be. Among his words: “Ease of preparedness for what I don’t know. Feels good. Like I am surrounded by light energy of creativity and calmness. Story is collapsing — effortless. Felt like curtain lifting and excited (in calm way) to see what is exposed. Willingness and commitment in front of mind.” I often thought of Robert as a way-shower.

I have a picture of Robert taken at the Grand Canyon. He is smiling and standing in the doorway, holding the door open, inviting me to come in. He has gone to Heaven and I will follow.

“I have saved all your kindnesses and every loving thought you ever had. ... You can indeed depart in peace because I have loved you as I loved myself. You go with my blessing and for my blessing. Hold it and share it, that it may always be ours. I place the peace of God in your heart and in your hands, to hold and share. The heart is pure to hold it, and the hands are strong to give it. We cannot lose.” T-5.IV.8:3,7-12

Choosing Once Again — In the period that I sat with Robert at home in Hospice, one of the sharings he said to me was the word “Thunderbird.” At the time I thought that he was referencing the symbol of the graduate school he attended in Phoenix. In this time following Robert passing on, I have understood this word (symbol) was for me. I certainly have seemed to burn down to ashes and started rising again recast.

(It felt at times that I was rising while some tail and wing feathers were still flaming.) Among phrases that I affirmed to myself was, “The truth is true and nothing else is true.” ACIM

Following Robert’s passing on to Heaven (and even though I KNOW that he is Heaven), I have had ego objections. I am grateful for choosing to remain open. This has let Holy Spirit guide me.

Several days after Robert passed; I felt sad and disconnected. I said in my mind, “Something has happened here.” From the back of my mind, I next heard “Nothing has happened here.” I knew that in truth, this was so.

A few days later, I experienced much difficulty in not having the physical Robert here. While crying, I began looking through the ACIM index for the chapter on: What to do after your spouse passes on. Of course, there is no such chapter. In frustration, I mentally shout: “This bleeping course has no answers.” The intensity of my thought blasts all throughout my mind. In the back of my mind I hear clearly and calmly, “You are asking the wrong question.” I know this is so and then know that I must take this distress to the altar with Jesus where Holy Spirit will look at it and transform it to Love.

Since Robert is a Pathways of Light minister, he has the Accessing Inner Wisdom material and I find the guide card. I step myself through this process. (It is only awkward — I do want peace) I feel distress and choose Jesus to hold one hand and Robert to hold my other hand as we walk the path to look at the thought clusters. I find that I am afraid of two things: 1) losing contact with Robert and 2) afraid of my own magnificence. As we move on the path, I let go of distress. I am aware that I am lighter, calm and open to truth.

Later in the day, I become aware of holding the “wrong end-game” as a goal. My plan was for Robert and I to grow spiritually and then live a long life in the body. We did indeed grow in spirit and share love and joy. In the process of wanting to let go of the difficulty, I decide that I will ask Holy Spirit to be willing to let go of wanting Robert to still be with me in the body. At this point, a little willingness set a new path. I decide that I will be re-crafting what I think was the joined relationship that Robert and I shared. I open the ACIM to Lesson 267. “My heart is beating in the peace of God.”

“Surrounding me is all the life that God created in His Love. It calls to me in every heartbeat and in every breath; in every action and in every thought. Peace fills my heart, and floods my body with the purpose of forgiveness. Now my mind is healed, and all I need to save the world is given me. Each heartbeat brings me peace; each breath infuses me with strength. I am a messenger of God, directed by his Voice, sustained by Him in love, and held forever quiet and at peace within His loving Arms. Each heartbeat calls His Name, and every one is answered by His Voice, assuring me I am at home in Him.

“Let me attend Your Answer, not my own. Father, my heart is beating in the peace the Heart of Love created. It is there and only there that I can be at home.”

Brenda Eden is a student of A Course in Miracles. She lives in Burt, Iowa.

© 2008, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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