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April-June, 2015

My Story

by Maura Williams

Something happened to me in my 50’s. I’d been married to the same wonderful man for a very long time. We’d raised two girls, and by all appearances had a very nice life. There was only one problem. I was not happy. I bounced between content and miserable but I never felt truly happy. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was that was bothering me. It seemed like my unhappiness was caused by so many different things. I tried to laugh it off as a mid-life crisis until someone told me I was well past middle age. Somehow that didn’t seem funny to me.

Finally I decided to do something different. I went back to school part time and I started reading A Course in Miracles. This was my second attempt at reading it. Someone suggested I find a study group this time, so I looked online and found a group that met at our public library. Rev. John Vise was the facilitator. I shot him a quick email with my contact information and he got right back to me and invited me to attend. I had no idea my life was about to change.

I experienced a lot of conflict in myself when I started studying the Course. I was no longer comfortable in the church I’d gone to for twenty years. I no longer understood myself or God or my friends in the way I had before. I could no longer sit through a sermon where the pastor preached to me about sinfulness and the decent of man. Even the Sunday school class I had enjoyed in the past, now felt like a place I had to hold my new beliefs to myself. I felt lost but afraid to take a stand and say, “I no longer believe this.”

John eventually started the Center for Spiritual Oneness here in Hot Springs. I wanted to join, but I lacked the courage. I was afraid to let go of my old church, my old friends, but most of all to say to my husband of 35 years, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Gradually I came to see I was living a lie in many areas of my life. I had spent the last 50 plus years making myself into the wife I thought my husband needed me to be and the mother I thought my now grown children needed. I had made myself stay in a church I no longer fit into and I was holding on to a job I had long ago outgrown. I was always pushing myself to be something or someone I was not. More than anything I wanted to start being honest. I wanted to be who I was and not some made up version of myself. I realized in order to be honest I had a lot of letting go to do. 2014 was my year of letting go. 

• I let go of a long held concept of myself. I let go of every single concept of My self and My life and how it could or should or would be.

• I let go of “if only” and “when” and I accepted now and what is.

• I let go of a job and my perception of who I was in that position and I accepted my real job as a teacher of God.

• I let go of my belief in God as I was taught (by well meaning people) to believe in God. I realized what I believed about God told me a lot about what I believed about myself.

• I let go of my concept of marriage and what I thought a marriage is or should be and I accepted myself as I am and presented that self to my beloved husband.

• I let go of my sister as a body. She transitioned the day after her 55th birthday. She may be the longest living person with her disease. Letting go of Betsy was hard, but I learned we really are one. She is part of me. I thought I imagined this while she was living here on earth, but now that she is gone I hear her voice and know she is part of me. Yes, I still miss her physical presence, but her Spirit is right here. Her sense of humor, the happy way she looked at things, they are all here and part of me.

Today I have a new part time job I love. I joined the Center for Spiritual Oneness and regularly attend. Sunday mornings I facilitate a study group on the Workbook for Students. I’m involved in a 503c non-profit group called Adamah Kedoshah — The Sacred Space and I write for their blog. Things are really looking up for me and this week I decided to start the Pathways of Light ministerial training.

I asked John if he’d be my facilitator. He was my first A Course in Miracles teacher and now he’s my pastor, my study group leader and my Pathways of Light facilitator for my ministerial training. I’m no longer telling God “no” and I’m no longer afraid. I’m in His hands, I’m at peace and I’m very, very happy.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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