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A Holy Union

Dear Friends,

I recently traveled from Louisiana, where I live, to San Francisco to visit my daughter. She and her beloved partner asked me to conduct a ceremony to celebrate their union. It was a truly blessed moment and I feel so fortunate to have been part of it. The ministers address was so well recieved, both from the guests, and then later from those people I shared it with, that I decided to post it here. I hope that you enjoy it.

We gather here today to honor the union of Susan and Jennifer. Susan and Jen have long loved each other, but today they choose to cement that bond by asking a formal public commitment to each other. Such a commitment is not entered into lightly, but is an act of such courage and strength that its beauty and power inspires each of us. For that, we thank you Jen and Susan, because never has the world so needed such acts of inspiration.

Susan and Jennifer, the love of another human being is truly an awe inspiring gift. It is just such a gift that you two are offering each other on this day. Love is a gift that endures through the ages, and yet to experience that love on a day to day basis, to experience the beauty of that love day after day requires an open heart, an open mind, and a lot of hard work. It needs a willingness to roll up the sleeves, dig in the heels, and do the work that is required to keep that love fresh and strong.

If someone gave you a beautiful and valuable set of silver, and you allowed it to tarnish through neglect, to be bent and misused through carelessness; if you allowed pieces to be lost through thoughtlessness and because your attention was no longer on it, you would still have the set of silver, but it would no longer be a thing of beauty. You would no longer take pleasure in it.

And so you must think of your love. The love itself is a gift. The capacity to love is the ultimate gift of a loving creator. It is the only gift in this world with any true value. You cannot destroy this love. You cannot lose this love. It was a gift in your creation.  But in order to experience this gift and to enjoy this gift, you must honor it with your attention, with your care, and with your thoughtfulness.

The real beauty of love is that it gives to you ten-fold what you give to it. You can never out give love. If you give to each other those many small acts of kindness that seem commonplace and simple, love will grow to such proportions that it will fill every space in your life.

And it is such a simple thing to express your love. Life will supply many, many opportunities for you to do so. Jen, you will be given an opportunity to take on a chore that was Susan?s simply because you know she will be too tired after work to do it herself. Susan, you will want to rub Jen?s back to ease the tension from performing. You two will be given the chance to share the rough times in a spirit of comradeship rather than to succumb to the all too human temptation to blame and reprove one another. It is in such little things that you are given the chance to nourish your love and so to give it what it needs to support a life long relationship.

The most powerful gift you can give or receive from the one you love is selective blindness. Not everyday when you wake up, Jen, are you going to feel beautiful and funny. Not every day are you going to be in a happy mood. Not every day will you be filled with optimism. On some of those days your words and actions will reflect your darker thoughts.

Susan, those are the days that you will need to use selective vision. On those days turn a blind eye; look past the script that Jen wrote for her life that day. Look past her body, her words and her actions. Look instead, at the love she is beneath all of that. Keep your eye on that truth so firmly that you see nothing else. Let your love of Jen heal her mind and spirit. That is your challenge. That is the work you do to honor marriage and this love.

Jen, there will be days when Susan will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. She will be out of sorts and moody. She will have trouble deciding what she wants from you and will not appreciate if you notice this inconsistency. There will be moments of restlessness. She may have moments of self-doubt.

This is where you practice the art of selective vision. You learn to look past her script of the day. You keep a clear vision of the truth of who she is. You see her as perfect and pure love. Nothing else about her is real. Nothing else about her will endure. Keep your vision on the truth of this woman. This is your job. Holding the truth about her until she can, again, join in this vision of herself, is how you honor this love and this marriage.

The work you put into this marriage will build the love that will sustain you through all your life. It will support you in rough times, and will thrill you in the easy times. And as you grow old together, it will bestow on you a wisdom and a comfort that all will recognize and long for in their own lives

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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My Purpose

Has anyone in here read The Purpose Driven Life? I haven?t read it myself, but this morning I was thinking about the title. I started wondering about the purpose that drives my life.  What is my purpose? It is important that I have one and it is important that I know what it is.

I used to think that my purpose was being a mother. I didn?t do a very good job as a mother when I first got into the business. I felt ashamed and depressed by my lack of success and then threw myself into the job with a vengeance. If this was my purpose, then I intended to do a bang up job. As my last child got closer to graduating, I realized that my perceived purpose was coming to an end. Sure I would still be their mom, but my job was over.

What did this mean about my purpose? Did I no longer have a one? What is the point of being in this life if I had no purpose? I decided that I had better find a new purpose. I felt guided to give my attention to my spiritual growth. Yes, I decided, this is my purpose. I now had time to dedicate to my spiritual life and I threw myself into this new job with the same enthusiasm and determination I had finally given to motherhood.

My efforts eventually led to the life I have now. I give sermons at a wonderful church. I write articles and facilitate classes and workshops. I counsel people who ask for my help, and I teach students who are studying for the ministry. It is a full and satisfying life. But, is it my purpose? No I don?t think so.

What I have decided is that my purpose in life is to save myself. Does that sound selfish? At first I thought it did, but now I believe that it is the only thing I can do and that I need to do. If I save myself, I will just naturally be of help to others. They will see my success and my joy, and want it for themselves. So I will be serving others by serving myself first.

Could it really work any other way? Could I offer you something I don?t have myself? If I told you that you should forgive others, but was unable to do this myself, would you have any reason to listen to me? Why should you listen to me anyway? Wouldn?t it be far more meaningful if you saw me forgiving? Wouldn?t it be more meaningful to see working at forgiveness. Even if I had not achieved my goal, my efforts would be a lesson for whoever was interested in having this for themselves.

Who am I to decide that you need to be saved? That thought alone would prove that I have not saved myself. Jesus was very clear about judgment. He told me that it wasn?t my job. I would be judging you if I decided that you needed anything. So I work at my own salvation. If you see me doing something that you want for yourself, then great! The one thing I am certain of, is that you and I are one in God. I am not going anywhere without you, and I want to return to my Father in Heaven. So I am glad if you, too, choose to recognize that your purpose in this life is to save yourself.

Knowing this is my purpose is only the first step. Now, I have a lot of work to do. I recognized that it didn?t matter what method I used. I could get my inspiration from a book, from any church, from someone I met on the street. The important thing is to give this work my whole hearted effort. While the form doesn?t matter, it is vitally important that I do the work. If God spoke to me Himself, and told me that my purpose is to love my brother as myself, to not judge anyone, to forgive, I would be powerfully motivated. But if I did not do the work to reinforce this effort, I would fall back into the world and soon I would be judging and holding grievances and living in fear and wallowing in guilt. It takes consistent effort and great vigilance to remain true to my purpose.

Anyone in a twelve step program will tell you that it takes more than a desire to get straight; to stay sober. No matter how great your desire and your determination, if you don?t do the work, if you don?t work the steps and go to meetings, you may find yourself sliding back into your addiction. It is the same with my spiritual life. If I want salvation, I must do the work. I must remain vigilant for God.

So, how do I do this work? How do I remain vigilant for God?  The first thing I did was find my inspiration.  I had started as a Catholic and that could have worked just fine, but I no longer found my inspiration there. I had been led to A Course in Miracles, and while I did find this book inspirational, my work had been sporadic. Now I really threw myself into it because I had made a decision to do what it took to gain my own salvation. I still thought I was doing this for someone else, but that was OK. I was doing the work, and later if would come to me that it wasn?t my job to save anyone else; my only job was to save myself.

I didn?t have to choose the Course as my inspiration. I could have used any church or any book. It happened though, that I did use the Course and it suited me well. The only thing that really mattered is that I follow my guidance. I understand my guide to be the Holy Spirit Who is the Voice for God. He was given me for that purpose. I used to call Him my conscience. I also recognize Him now as Jesus who promised to send me a comforter and to be with me always, even after he left his body. My guide doesn?t seem to care what I call Him, or how I think of Him. He is always there, ready to answer when I call on Him.

I used the Course and the Holy Spirit to decide what I needed to do to achieve salvation. I have narrowed it down to a few things. I recognize that my brother is part of me. I don?t have to save anyone else because as I am lifted up, everyone is lifted with me. When I hear about the work Mother Theresa does and as I hear about her love of her fellow man and of God, this lifts me up. As she is lifted, so am I. Sometimes when I see a homeless person, I offer them money. One day I saw a homeless person asking for money at a street corner. The woman in front of me reached her hand out, gave him some bills and held his hand in hers in blessing. She gave not only money (because that is what he needed) but also love and acceptance, because he needed that even more. I was lifted up by what I saw that day.

I know that I need to love my brother as myself. There are two distinct parts to that idea. I must love others. I do this in many, many ways all during the day. If someone acts in anger toward me, I love him by not reacting to his anger, but rather seeing past his actions to the truth of who he is as God?s holy child. That is the way to love him. I keep my eye firmly on the truth of who he is. I see him as whole and perfect, just as God created him. I hold to that vision rather than seeing him as his actions or his words. He is not what he says. He is not what he does. My favorite quote from The Course in Miracles is, ?I am as God created me.? It is a humble acceptance of what I truly am. This is the truth of my brother, and this is my gift to him; that I hold this truth of him until he is able to believe it of himself.

I said that there are two parts to this statement. I love my brother is the first part; the second part is, as myself. So it implies that I must love myself as well. How well I love myself will determine how well I love my brother. So, again, I see that I must save myself to be of any help to anyone else. If I remain unsaved, I will not love myself very much, and I will have nothing of value to give to my brother. I love myself as I love God. I love myself as I dedicate my time and effort to my salvation. I love myself as I remain vigilant toward this effort.

I know that I must not judge. I do not judge my own errors. I recognize that the error was made and I offer the misstep to the Holy Spirit for correction. There is no judgment in this process. I do not berate myself for making a mistake. I do not call it a sin. I love myself as I refuse to judge myself. This allows me to love my brother in the same way. As I refuse to judge myself, I find it easy to resist the temptation to judge my brother. It is not my job to decide if you are living your life well. It is not my job to decide if you are making mistakes.

I know that I must forgive. First I must forgive myself, then my forgiven self forgives my brother. I cannot offer my brother something I don?t have, so my own forgiveness comes first. I forgive by recognizing that there is not really anything to forgive. I said before that I look past what is done and said, to the truth of who we all are. That perfectly describes forgiveness. I am not my actions or my words. Neither are you. We are perfect, as we were created perfect. There is nothing to forgive. What I say and do are not the truth of me. When I say I forgive an error, I am really saying that I refuse to believe that error is the truth. By not making the error real in my mind, I find forgiveness a natural and simple process. It only becomes hard when I insist that I or someone else is really their mistake. Forgiveness is only as hard as I want it to be. If I find it hard to forgive I recognize that difficulty as a measure of my resistance to forgiveness.

These are the beliefs that I live by. I do not live perfectly, but I strive to live perfectly. That is the purpose that drives my life. Motherhood is not my purpose, but it is an opportunity to practice my purpose. My ministry is not my purpose, but when I write a sermon, I am teaching myself what my purpose is. When I deliver the sermon, I am sharing with you my purpose and am inviting you to support my efforts. In this way we both gain.

When someone says something to me in anger, it is not my purpose to judge or correct them or to protect myself, or to see myself as better than them. My purpose is to love them and to love myself, to forgive myself and them. I simply use this occasion to practice this process so that I become stronger in my convictions. As I practice these principles I lift myself up, and as I lift myself up, all of my Self (that is all of us) are lifted up as well.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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BECOME AS LITTLE CHILDREN

“Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are changed and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:3

What could Jesus have meant when he said this? In what way are we to become as little children? I have spent my life, growing away from being a little child, maturing into an adult. If someone said that I was like a little child, I would probably take it as a criticism. I would wonder what I had done wrong. But Jesus surely had good reason to make this statement. So, let?s look for ways in which becoming as a little child might be a valuable thing.

One thing that comes to mind is that little children do not already think they know it all. With great fondness, and a certain longing for the good old days, I remember when my children would ask me a question and then wait in rapt attention for me to give them the answer. They had not already decided what the answer was; they really wanted to hear what I had to say.

Compare this to me when I ask my Father in Heaven a question. Seldom is it a question for which I want His answer. Generally, I am asking Him to agree with me. I can say, ?Father, would You please provide for my needs?? Am I asking Him what I need, or am I suggesting He make sure I get all the things I have already decided I need? If I have had a problem with someone in my life, do I say, ?Father, what do you want me to do? How do you want me to love this child of yours who is before me?? Or do I mean, ?Please make this jerk see things my way.? or ?Can?t you make all this go away for me??  What I may be asking for is a solution to the problem that provides an answer I want to hear. I have probably already decided on an answer; I just want instant delivery. The point is, as adults we seldom open our minds to a true answer. We have already made our minds up, and now we just want to get our way, or we just want validation that we are right.

Trust is something else that children do well. When my daughter was very young she came to me because she was upset. It had something to do with what another child had said to her. She wanted to tell me about it, but she was so upset with what was said that she couldn?t bring herself to tell me. I wanted her to share with me because then I could help her, but I would not force her to do so. Finally, with some gentle prodding from me, she finally came out with the whole story. I was able to help her see the incident in a different way, and she was relieved of the burden of her disappointment and anger. Even though she could not, at first, imagine how I could make this better, she trusted me as her mother to help.  So she came to me with her story, and because she had faith in my love and wisdom, was ready to take a painful look at what was troubling her.

I want to be as a little child in my faith. I want to come to God with what troubles me, and look at it with Him. He will not force me to unburden myself, but he waits patiently for me to realize that His love for me is unconditional. He waits patiently for me to reach a stage of willingness that will allow me to look with Him at the painful places in my life. I can do this when I feel guilty about a past action. He will unburden me of my guilt. He will show me a different way to see this, just as I did for my little girl those many years ago. Just as it took faith on her part, and courage as well, I must trust that God will not condemn me and that His love for me will heal me.

Something that little children have down pat is forgiveness. Don?t we make forgiveness seem so very hard? Children have it right. They don?t ?try? to forgive; they just do. I read an article recently by Rev. Hugh Prather in which he told a story about a child who wanted to invite a certain friend to her party. ?You?re not going to invite Joie to your party, are you?? asks the mother of this four year old. ?Don?t you remember what Joie did to you?? But the child answers, ?Joie is fun to play with.? There she did it. Children know how to forgive.

It is only as we grow older that we learn to hold onto our grievances. Then we forget how to forgive. We forget that forgiving is not hard, it is not something we try to do, it is just something we do. When I try to make forgiveness hard, I simply ask myself what I really want. Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? Sometimes I can?t have both. The little girl in our story had no problem deciding what she wanted. Being right took a far second to being happy. Perhaps one reason choosing happiness seems easier for a child is that they still have a lot of experience with happiness. They haven?t yet given their happiness away so often that they?ve lost touch with its value. I find that the more I practice choosing happiness, (or peace) the more I am motivated to choose happiness, to choose peace. I could get used to feeling happy!

Another reason forgiveness seems hard to us is that we become discouraged if we are unable to completely forgive the first time we try. I have often forgiven someone a slight, and in that moment, I really meant it; then a ways down the road (a day later, or a moment later) I find myself feeling anger over the same situation. The temptation is to give up. As Rev. Prather said in his article on how to forgive, forgiveness occurs only in the present. He reminds us that we don?t have to forgive for tomorrow, just for this instant. Otherwise, when a judgmental thought comes back, we feel like throwing up our hands and saying, ?This is impossible.?

I think this idea of living in the present moment is something else little children have nailed. It is so hard for adults to do, but kids do it with no effort. Can you remember your little one being so angry with you that they would shout, ?I hate you!? Two minutes later, they were snuggling in your lap, all love. Hey, that was then; this is now; living totally in the present. The problem with living in the past is that when we bring the past to the present, we absolutely guarantee the future will be just like the past. Not a good thought, is it?

I was thinking of examples of how we bring the past into the present. Perhaps you have heard someone say, ?You can depend on me,? and then immediately thought, ?Not likely.? Why would you think that? Could it be that you were judging the present statement on what has happened in the past? We do this so much that sometimes we are bringing the past we had with a completely different person into the present. If we took a moment to think it out, we would remember that it was a different person who let us down. Doesn?t mean this person is going to, but we keep bringing that unpleasant past moment into our present until we come to expect to be let down by everyone. We create a present in which we see ourselves as being unsupported, and surrounded by untrustworthy people. We begin to see ourselves as a victim.

Often, by the time we are adults we have done this so much that we start to believe that it is a necessary defense in our lives to judge each person and situation by the past. We tell ourselves that this is part of the maturing process. We learn to protect ourselves. In this process, however, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to experience life differently than we have in the past. As soon as we expect people to let us down, we have set up life to provide exactly that. Our very expectations set into motion the words and acts that will bring this about.

But, there is a different way to see this.  When Jesus said that we should not judge, he did not say this because he wanted to leave us defenseless. He said it because not judging is our defense. When we become as little children, we leave the past in the past. If little Joie had broken her friend?s toy, well as far as her friend was concerned, that was then. Now they are going to have fun. Young children (before they are taught differently) don?t judge. They don?t think back to what happened in the past before deciding how they feel about someone now. They just feel what they feel. They live in this moment.

Does that mean that if someone reacts violently, I should just forget that it happened and take up with that person again? No, of course I don?t mean that. God does not expect us to be self destructive. If someone hurts me, I will avoid putting myself in the position where I can be hurt again. However, I will not bring that expectation with me into every relationship. I will let each relationship be what it is, without comparing it to the one that came before it.

There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than bringing the past into the present. I heard someone say that even though she still loved her partner, there was no way they could remain together because there was just too much water under the bridge. What she really meant is that they cannot leave the past in the past. Every disagreement becomes a battleground to re-hash the past. They have no chance at a future any different from the relationship they had in the past, because they have brought it with them. They have allowed past hurts to so clutter the ground on which they have established their relationship, that there is no clear spot on which to build their future.

In their wonderful book, ?The Journey That Never Was? DavidPaul and Candace Doyle share with us the message they got from the Holy Spirit regarding their new relationship. They were told: ?It is essential that you both be vulnerable, open, honest, sweet, loving, innocent, and as little children in this process because then God can work through you to show you how to be with each other.?

I wonder what it would be like to follow that advice. What would it feel like? I notice that He did not advise them to be careful. He did not tell them to learn from their past errors. He did not remind them how easy it is to get hurt when you open to others. Instead, they were directed to do just the opposite. Like little children they begin their relationship completely open, honest and vulnerable. They begin with blank slates. Like little children they go into their relationship with hearts open, waiting for direction and guidance from the Holy Spirit.
This is a perfect example of what Jesus meant when he said we should become as little children. I try to do this in all areas of my life with varying degrees of success. I try to recognize that I don?t understand what is in my best interests. I don?t know it all. That is why I ask God for help in my life. He cannot help me to see the truth if I already think I have the answer.

I try to forgive as a little child forgives; completely and immediately. Sometimes the adult in me gets in the way and holds to my grievances as if they are of great value. Always I have to finally decide what is of more value to me, my righteous indignation or the peace of God.

I also try to live in the present moment. I try to leave the past in the past where it no longer exists. I know that this is essential if I hope for a future that is better than what I had before.

In choosing to become as a little child, I am choosing to put God in charge of my life. I am choosing to hear His Voice and follow His guidance. I am choosing a peaceful, joyful, and loving life.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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