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Losing Weight

I was thinking about a discussion with a friend about losing weight. This has been a long time challenge for me. It is really one of those issues that I have wrapped up so tightly with ego thoughts that I have only been able to work my way out of it a little at a time. First I had to understand that food is not the cause of weight gain though it is the vehicle I use in the illusion to create the illusion of a heavy body. That seems pretty simple and obvious but it took me years to get there. I truly didn’t want to know I was responsible for this. I wanted it to be my mother’s fault, the result of a fat gene, or any of dozens of other excuses. I was even willing to, finally, be responsible if responsibility looked like guilt, but I just didn’t want to know that if I was overweight then I wanted to be overweight.

But of course, that is where I finally had to go, because that is where I can accept correction and begin to heal. What I understand now is that being overweight or underweight or any shape and size of body projection is not a problem. It needs no solution. Being a certain size and thinking I should be a different size, and believing I would be happy if my size changed is the problem that needs a solution. This belief that I am somehow victim to my body is the problem that needs a solution. It goes without saying that the solution is not a diet or exercise program or any application of self will. These solutions keep the solution separate from the problem.

This is not to say that I should not exercise or eat a certain way. It is to say that any solution that comes from ego is an attempt by ego to maintain control, that is to be god. What I am doing right now, and this is to the best of my present understanding, is to be honest. When I say I want to lose weight and then have an éclair I have just lied to myself. Obviously, using the rules I set for myself if I eat an éclair I have no intention of losing weight. Can I change the rules I set for myself? Maybe, but first I think I need to work on honesty. I need to stop using the present rules to create victimhood and failure. So when I eat the éclair I notice what I have done and how it makes me feel. I hand-off the guilty thoughts and the fear thoughts to the Holy Spirit and consider my job done. Oh, here is a self judgment thought. I hand that one over, too.

I look in the mirror and see too much of me. I notice those thoughts I am thinking without God and hand them off to the Holy Spirit. I can’t fit into my favorite jeans and feel self-loathing; I hand that feeling off to the Holy Spirit. I am faced with a buffet of delicious food and notice I am not asking Holy Spirit to help me choose what the body could most use. I notice guilt and hand that off to the Holy Spirit. I watch closely for self judgment all the time and hand it off when I see it.

Will all of this help me lose weight? I don’t know, but it is my job, my purpose for being here. It will bring me peace and happiness. We’ll see about the weight. I don’t think it would even matter. Why do I want to lose weight? My reason for being thinner is so that I will feel accepted, loved, and admired because I think that will make me happy. Maybe I will just hand off those goals and allow the Holy Spirit to purify them and then I can skip the whole diet thing and go straight to being happy.

 

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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It’s Perfect

When I noticed that I was feeling guilty for feeling guilty I knew that the ego had lured me into one of its crazy cycles with no exit.  And when I notice that my thoughts are indicative of a false belief I am holding in my mind and I feel guilty or helpless in its grip, I know that , once again, I’ve stepped into the ego’s endless loop of guilt.

For the last couple of days I had been feeling sad, and mildly anxious. At first I wasn’t sure what story had hooked me, but when I examined my thoughts I realized it was the story of my daughter changing our special relationship. She has a boyfriend now and they have hit it off in a big way. This relationship could lead to her moving to be with him. I live on the same piece of property she does so the ego interprets this as meaning she is leaving me for him.

When I realized what was going on with me and really looked at this, it was pretty embarrassing to me. I’m sixty years old. I have lived alone for ten years and like my life. She is thirty-eight years old and has been independent for a long time. I feel ridiculous about the whole thing. Of course, if I hold the belief of loss and special relationships in my mind then I will feel these things when one of those special relationships changes. That’s just how it is.

I was also feeling guilty because my feelings imply I would have her stay alone and single so that she would remain near me. This is doubly ridiculous because even though she does live just a few steps away from me we don’t see each other very often, maybe only a couple of times a week and some weeks it is only in passing. I like that she is there, though, and I can now see my grandkids when I want to, so that relationship will change, too.

I asked the Holy Spirit to look with me as I examined my thoughts and my emotional reaction to them. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. The thought that came clearly into my mind is, “this is perfect.” At first I didn’t understand and so I sat with it awhile. Suddenly I got it. I have asked the Holy Spirit to transform my special relationships so that they will be holy relationships. How else could this happen except to see the specialness in them and to choose to have this healed. That is all that is happening here. It is my request being fulfilled. It’s perfect.

I also asked the Holy Spirit to show me everything in my mind that needs to be healed so that I can awaken. This is being done as well, as I have asked. I see the belief in lack and loss as I look at this. I see the belief that I could truly be separate from all others and be alone. This is absolutely what I asked for and absolutely perfect. It only appeared to be painful because I asked the ego what it meant. Of course, he showed me guilt because that is what he knows.

Here is the way the Holy Spirit helped me to see this more clearly. I saw myself working on an assembly line.  My job was to examine each part that came out and when I saw one that didn’t look right I was to take it off the line. It wasn’t my fault a piece was not as it should be, but it was my responsibility to spot it. I wouldn’t feel guilty because it was malformed, I would just remove it.

It’s the same way with my thoughts. I don’t create thoughts; they simply arise into my awareness. Most of them simply pass through my mind and I let them go on. They hold no emotional charge for me. They don’t hook me.  Some of them do get my attention and I react to them. These are the ones I believe. But none of them are my creation. I have no more reason to feel guilty they are passing through than I would have reason to feel guilty about a damaged part passing by on that imaginary assembly line. But just as on the assembly line it is my responsibility to spot it.

After seeing my special relationship problem in this new light I was able to use it for healing rather than to feel victim to the circumstances. Yesterday when I visited Sheryl’s house Barry was there. What I noticed is that I felt like crying and so I let the tears come. The reaction came and went. I invited them to eat supper with me, and cooked shrimp stew for them. This morning I notice that I am not reacting to the situation. Perhaps I am through with it. I remain open in case there is more to heal. It’s perfect.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Thoughts on Relationships

I have been thinking about the ways in which I try to fill that gaping hole that resides as ego in my mind. When I was young I tried alcohol and drugs but don’t have a taste for them. Shopping was a popular choice for a long time even though it never really did the job for more than an hour or two and left destruction in its wake in the form of mounting debt and finally bankruptsy. Food has been a lifetime device for gaining brief moments of relief or at least distraction.

The ego solution that has been the hardest for me to release is relationships. Ego is so desolate and loveless that it is desperate for relief and the promise of love is irresistable. Of course ego love comes with its own special sacrifice as do all ego gifts. I want from someone what I think I don’t have and so I steal it from them. I tell myself that it is a trade as I give to them what they want, and yet if I had anything valuable I would not need them, so I carry that secret guilt.

These special people become my love/hate objects and my hope of having my neediness fulfilled -  but it never happens. The most I can hope for are more moments of satisfaction than moments of pain and suffering. How could I expect anything good to come of something that is stolen and guilt laden? Even my children are not free of this unholy bargain, for surely I love them most when they are fulfilling my need to be loved, respected, and needed.

I love the Course. I love that it is helping me to recognize the uselessness of special relationships. Since I am not in a relationship with a man now, I am using the parent/child relationship to do this work. One of the most helpful things about the Course is that it is uncompromising. I look at the special relationship with my child and see that as long as I use my children to fulfill my needs I don’t love them. I don’t even know what it is to love them. That is very hard for me to say, but unless I am truly willing to go there, I will never experience healing and so will never experience love.

Once I accept that neediness is not love, it becomes easier. It is like that understanding is a gentle wind that blows away the fog and I can see clearly what I have been doing. I look in my relationships for need. Do I need my kids to call me? Do I need them to respect my opinion? Do I need them to agree with me? On anything? No matter how obvious it seems that I am right? Or that it is for their own good? Because if I do, then that is NEED, not love. And need is just another way to say use. When I say I need them, I am saying that I use them. It is a very ugly situation when I really look at it and I find myself motivated to take the next and final step as I choose to be healed.

When I first discovered the truth about my “love” relationships, I felt hopeless and confused. I tried to love differently. I tried to set aside my needs. It felt sacrificial and I was conflicted. I wanted my love to be pure but I didn’t want to give up what I knew. Maybe it was unsatisfactory and unstable, but it was familiar and I knew how to do it. Trying to have a holy relationship seemed to be beyond my abilities. It was a very uncomfortable stage of undoing.

What is happening for me right now is that I have stopped trying to have a holy relationship. Now I notice the specialness in my relationships. I look at it full in the face with a willingness to see how lacking in love they are. Then I make my choice. Am I ready to let them go? Would I be willing to trust God that there is something better? If I am truly willing to let go of the specialness, I ask the Holy Spirit to take the specialness from this relationship and leave it holy. Actually, I do that even when I am not fully willing to have it done. I need the practice. (smile)

I have reached the point that I want healing more than I want my specialness. Well, much of the time this is true. And each time I am willing to give my relationship to the Holy Spirit for purification, my trust grows and the next time it is easier to make that happier choice. I am discovering that I don’t really need my children to agree with me, and that I am no longer using them for that purpose. I am perfectly comfortable with all four of them being where they are, knowing they have their own Master within and don’t need my help. I don’t need them to be where I am either.

Yesterday I was thinking about my oldest daughter. She has a boyfriend now for the first time in several years. Suddenly she is unavailable to me and I noticed a twinge of resentment, and a feeling of sadness. That is like the tip of an iceburg. I offered to look deeper and see what was under the tip. I know that sadness is just a quiet temper tantrum so really I am angry. I know that a twinge of resentment is just a veil thrown over rage. So the ego says I am sad because the one I love is no longer sharing her time with me. How wrong she is to be that way, and how mistreated I am. I love her so much and she treats me like this.

Ha ha ha. I can only laugh at this now. How could I have ever bought this ridiculous story? How could I have ever called that love? The truth is I think I have an emptiness in me because I think I am separate from God. I am trying to use this woman to fill that emptiness and she doesn’t seem to want to be used by me. Holy Spirit, please remove this specialness from my relationship with my daughter that I may love her truly with the love of God.

My experience has been that the only way this works is to make no exceptions. If it looks like need, smells like need, tastes like need, then its not love. Period.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
You may freely share copies of this with your friends, provided this notice is included.

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