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Talking to Holy Spirit about a Special Relationship

What I notice about fear is that it paralyzes me when I try to resist and deny it. My mind becomes confused and I am uncertain what to do, even uncertain what to pray. I am learning that I am always better off not acting from that confusion, but resting my mind in God before making decisions. Sometimes this can feel difficult because my confusion, which is always born of fear, seems to demand action.

My son had told me about something going on with him and I was very concerned about it. I don’t usually offer instruction or advice to my kids who are all grown unless they ask for it. But since he brought this up to me, I replied by email. I am usually pretty circumspect when doing something like this. But that was not how I felt to be, and I was rather blunt in my reply. I did not say anything that is not true, but I may have said something he does not want to hear. Since then I have been worrying and wonder if I made an error in doing this. It would have been much safer to not say anything.

I have looked carefully at my feelings and realize that my fear is losing his love and affection. I fear loss of the relationship which is very “special” to me. I recognize the error in my thinking but that did not seem to relieve the fear. I ask Holy Spirit to look with me and I expresse the willingness to use this situation to practice feeling as well as simply being aware intellectually. But nothing has happened. I just keep this mild anxiety and I am tired of that. But I trust myself and my willingness to do what I need to do in perfect timing.

Holy Spirit, I need help. I don’t know what to do about this. I am willing to have this resolved one way or another but I don’t want to drag it out forever. I am willing to experience the fear, anger, guilt, whatever, but I also want to have my peace back, and I want to be happy again. I just am unwilling to sit in denial anymore. What should I do to crack open this fear?

Holy Spirit: Fear keeps you bound, sweet child. Special relationships awaken fear in the mind because their specialness is incongruent with your reality. You are one, you are whole, there is nothing lacking in you, and yet the very thought of specialness is one of separation and lack. As long as you treasure one relationship above another you will live in fear of loss because you have separated out a part of yourself and seemed to have made it different from yourself. Now, in your mind and therefore in your experience, though not in reality, you are no longer whole. This is frightening.

Me: Yes, I can see what you mean. I have made this relationship with my child special and so it seems to be something outside wholeness. Now I fear it will be snatched from me or lost in some way. Yet, to think of voluntarily giving up my special relationships feels like a loss, too. I can at least defend against the loss if it is threatened from without, but to just give it to You without a fight seems like an immediate and irrevocable loss. I know this is wrong minded thinking and I know that you have talked to me about this before, but in my fear of loss, my mind becomes muddled.

Holy Spirit: Do you remember the prayer I gave you? “Please take the specialness from this relationship and leave only the love.” I am not asking you to sacrifice your relationship. I am asking you to let me remove the guilt, pain and suffering from it. Would you be willing to trust me to do this? I am not going to leave you with less, but will restore wholeness to your memory.

The fear and the pain that you often experience in your relationships are not things added to the relationship, but rather they are empty holes, the result of trying to break love into parts. As you give up wanting your “loved one” to fill those holes for you, you will understand that you lack nothing and need nothing from that person. Will that be a loss? I say to you that giving up the belief that you need something from someone is not loss.

As you remember that you are whole and need nothing, you have everything to offer and will offer it without hesitation. While you still believe you need something from your child the only thing that passes between you are trade agreements. You give this and in return, he gives that. That is not love, my friend. This sad exchange could only pass for love in an insane world. This is the only thing you are asked to sacrifice. And this is no sacrifice at all.

Me: And if he doesn’t like what I said and he withholds his affection from me? This feels like loss to me, Holy Spirit, and it is not something I want to experience. I know that sounds pathetic but it is what I feel. But I am willing to chance this heartbreak. I am willing to hear You.

Holy Spirit: You are giving Me your willingness to sacrifice, Precious One, and I assure you I have no need of your sacrifice. You want me to prove to you that you lose nothing when you give me the relationship you have with your child. You want that proof before you give it to me, and that is not possible. The proof comes in the giving. You know this is true. You have done this before. You are listening to the ego in your mind and are allowing it to confuse you.

Me: Ah yes. That is right. I have trusted you many times and I have never been disappointed. You have never asked me to give up anything except that which hurts me. Thank you, Holy Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit has spoken to me of surrender and as I am writing this I realize that my biggest fear in this idea of surrender is related to the situation with my son. If I completely surrender I am saying that I am not going to try to control the outcome. I am not going to write a conciliatory email. I am not even going to want a particular outcome.

Surrender means letting go of all sense of control on the level of the ego. This situation would not be in my experience if I did not desire to experience it so I am going to surrender to the experience. I am going to trust myself as Myron and trust myself as Toby. Myron is a thought in the mind of the Son and so is Toby. I am going to let him have his experience, not out of a sense of sacrifice, but out of trust and love. I have taken many small steps toward giving my special relationships to the Holy Spirit to be transformed into holy relationships. This is another step and I am glad to take it.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Judgment

Here is what I seemed to have learned about judgment. The thoughts of judgment are always going to be there because they are in the sleeping mind as part of the separation thought. So as long as we embrace separation, we will continue to be aware of judgment.

However, as I continue to bring thoughts to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to purify them for me, I find that I no longer believe the thoughts. They become like background noise and when I notice one I ask for healing of that thought.

Through this process, I’ve learned that salvation is not personal. The thoughts are not personal, the healing is not personal. Nothing is personal because that would imply personhood which is separation.

Now when a judgment thought arises, I ask that the mind be healed and know that I am healing the Sonship as I do this. Instead of feeling guilty for having the judgment, I feel helpful to the Sonship.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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