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Study of the Text 1-7-13

1-7-13
3 The acceptance of the Atonement by everyone is only a matter of time. This may appear to contradict free will because of the inevitability of the final decision, but this is not so. You can temporize and you are capable of enormous procrastination, but you cannot depart entirely from your Creator, Who set the limits on your ability to miscreate. An imprisoned will engenders a situation which, in the extreme, becomes altogether intolerable. Tolerance for pain may be high, but it is not without limit. Eventually everyone begins to recognize, however dimly, that there must be a better way. As this recognition becomes more firmly established, it becomes a turning point. This ultimately reawakens spiritual vision, simultaneously weakening the investment in physical sight. The alternating investment in the two levels of perception is usually experienced as conflict, which can become very acute. But the outcome is as certain as God.

I was thinking about the sentence that says our Creator set the limits on our ability to miscreate. I notice the ego feels the sting of resentment when reading that. It is like a child who wants to play Superman and “flying” off the roof is just part of the play. He may be very angry that Mom won’t let him, and feel he is being unfairly restricted by her rules, but one day, in maturity, he will see the wisdom of those rules and be grateful for them.

Another way I see this is that we were created in a certain way. We were created to be free and unlimited, and so while we can play around with the idea of restrictions (that is the idea of being limited and vulnerable and separate) we cannot become that anymore than an apple can become a horse in the world. So we will inevitably stop pretending and return to our divine natures. We can dress up in bodies and make an elaborate stage set, but eventually, the play ends and the makeup has to come off as we discard the costume. We can pretend, dream, act, as if we are something we are not, but we can’t recreate our very nature.

So it is our nature to be Divine Beings and that is what we are under the disguise, and we will discard the disguise. We begin the process of doing so when it becomes too painful not to. Imagine trying to get through life blindfolded, just to see if you could do it. You might have fun, at first, trying to figure out ways to compensate. At some point, though, you will get tired of all the effort, and tired of the painful accidents of trying to maneuver without sight. Then you will want to remove the blindfold and go about life as before.

If you are studying the Course or are on some other spiritual path, you have reached that moment of decision, the moment you become determined to recover your spiritual vision, and awaken to your true nature. It has always been inevitable that you do so; it was just a matter of when. For you that time has come. If it seems hard and even painful to make the transition from imprisonment to freedom, it is only because we have one foot in both camps. We are experiencing the conflict of trying to hold onto the blindfold while also trying to remove it.

As experienced in my life it goes something like this. I am learning that my true nature is non-duality. I am strong because I am one with my brothers and with my Creator. But I hear someone say that I am special, and the ego mind preens. I think I like the person I am spending time with, but I miss my son or daughter and cannot be as happy with this person as I would be with one of them. I love the idea of living in one place but think I would be happier somewhere else.

The list is endless. I see the world in tiny bits with gaps between each separate thing, and I think one bit is better than or more important than, and I believe my happiness depends on how many of the important bits I can gather. And also on how many of the unwanted bits I can avoid. That is hardly the non-duality that I am seeking.

Suffering is the shifting back and forth that I have been doing for awhile now. I let go of the world for a little while and I feel free and glorious. Then I pick it back up and feel safer because it is familiar… for about a minute, then I long for the return of Self. Back and forth, back and forth, my mind vacillates until I tire of the conflict. And tire of it I will. That is a done deal.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 1-4-13

1-4-13
2 For perfect effectiveness the Atonement belongs at the center of the inner altar, where it undoes the separation and restores the wholeness of the mind. Before the separation the mind was invulnerable to fear, because fear did not exist. Both the separation and the fear are miscreations that must be undone for the restoration of the temple, and for the opening of the altar to receive the Atonement. This heals the separation by placing within you the one effective defense against all separation thoughts and making you perfectly invulnerable.

When I first started using forgiveness the way A Course in Miracles describes it, I would try and fail, I would use it sporadically, I would vacillate on whether to use it or not, and I would also vacillate between forgiveness to destroy and the right use of forgiveness. So it was as if the idea of forgiveness was something out there on a shelf somewhere and sometimes I would borrow it and sometimes not. When I was done with it I would put it back on the shelf until I needed it again.

I made a choice at some point to commit to the Atonement, to accept this new definition of forgiveness, the recognition that nothing was done, and to become vigilant for opportunities to use it. I still did not do this perfectly, nor did I really understand it all the time, but I was strongly committed and my decision made the outcome certain. I had decided to buy it instead of borrowing it from time to time. I got better and better at remembering to use it, and, with practice, it became more meaningful to me.

What has happened now is that I have fully embraced the Atonement and forgive is what I do. I might resist from time to time, and usually that resistance is disguised as uncertainty or doubt, but I always, in the end, forgive. Maybe the Atonement is now sitting firmly at the inner altar. I think it is. I think that is the reason it is more effective, the reason I never question the need to forgive, and the reason I no longer have trouble distinguishing between forgiveness to destroy and true forgiveness.

I also think that this is the reason that even when I am confused and experiencing doubt or anxiety or some other effect of confused thinking, I am aware of that current of truth running beneath all of it. I know it is just a matter of dipping into the truth and drinking deeply. This is the only way to quench my thirst for peace, and I know this. Even if I do try other methods for first, I know that this river of Love is my real desire.

I am still in the process of accepting this new way of living. I still become tempted by the ego voice and sometimes briefly confused by it. I still fall prey to fear and anxiety at times. I still block the joy that is in me, but always I feel it pushing gently against the walls of unworthiness the ego has erected against it. All of this happens in the ego thinking mind, and maybe I still feel enough attachment to that self that I forget I am not that.

But I see now that it is just a phase of the process and it is fading as I continue to watch my mind and turn to Spirit when I feel the ego intrusions. My friend, Alisha, gave me a journal for Christmas and I wondered what I was to write in it. Then I noticed that the newest ego defense against this inevitable turning of the tide was forgetfulness.

When I felt some form of fear or anxiety, for instance, I would notice it quickly and ask Holy Spirit to heal my mind. As the outer circumstances continued I would notice my attention returning to it and my anxiety rising again. What I usually do in that case is that once the thing is looked at and handed over, I would focus my mind on the truth instead of the ego thoughts.

Now I was coming up against this thick fog of resistance and my mind went blank. I couldn’t for those few vital moments find a single real thought. It felt very uncomfortable, and raised doubts in my mind. Eventually, everything would right itself, but in the meantime I was having these brief periods of distress, sometimes bordering on panic. The thought that Spirit gave me about my journal had to do with this situation.

I had the idea to write down my favorite and most helpful passages from the Course and NTI and study material from Pathways, really, any place it showed up. My favorite one so far is from early in the Course. Jesus says, “You can do anything I ask.” That is very reassuring and strengthens my resolve. And if the ego blanks it from my mind, I just reach for my journal. I am enjoying doing this and in doing it I am putting the ego on notice that I am no longer willing to tolerate its painful intrusions on my mind. The peace of God is all I want.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 1-3-13

1-3-13
III. The Altar of God
1 The Atonement can only be accepted within you by releasing the inner light. Since the separation, defenses have been used almost entirely to defend against the Atonement, and thus maintain the separation. This is generally seen as a need to protect the body. The many body fantasies in which minds engage arise from the distorted belief that the body can be used as a means for attaining “atonement.” Perceiving the body as a temple is only the first step in correcting this distortion, because it alters only part of it. It does recognize that Atonement in physical terms is impossible. The next step, however, is to realize that a temple is not a structure at all. Its true holiness lies at the inner altar around which the structure is built. The emphasis on beautiful structures is a sign of the fear of Atonement, and an unwillingness to reach the altar itself. The real beauty of the temple cannot be seen with the physical eye. Spiritual sight, on the other hand, cannot see the structure at all because it is perfect vision. It can, however, see the altar with perfect clarity.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when I heard the call of truth in my mind. It was a quickening, which I probably didn’t recognize at the time. I do, however, remember some dreams I had around that time. One of them was me kneeling before an altar. It seemed I reached the altar by going deep within a place rather than outside it or high on a mountain, for instance. When I awoke, I didn’t remember much about it, or recognize what it meant, but it felt sacred and I knew it was important.

There were a few other things happening at that time. I had a another dream in which I was a beautiful angle flying around a mountain and up to the top. I discovered that my attitudes and thoughts were the cause of some illnesses, like colds and flues. Simply realizing this changed things. I had always gotten colds easily and got the flu at least twice a year like clockwork. After my discovery, that stopped happening. I think I have had a cold only once or twice in all those years since and the flu about the same.

It was also during this time period that I asked for words to write an article for Unity Magazine. I had gained so much insight from that magazine that I had a strong desire to give back. I prayed for words and the ability to write so that I could do this. It came to me almost word for word perfect. This had never happened to me before and I did not even know where the prompt to ask for it came from.

These kinds of things were happening once in awhile, and I did not see the connection at the time. Also, my life seemed to be falling apart and certainly, if I would judge by what was happening in my life, I would not have thought of this as a period of awakening. Now I know to not judge my spiritual progress by what occurs in my life. 

Over a period of time I have seen my life change as my thinking changes, but because awakening can be a messy business, and our vision is so narrow and short sighted, life in the moment is not a good measure of spiritual growth. I also learned that I don’t know what anything means and so it’s not a good idea to judge anyway.

By the time I had found A Course in Miracles and begun to study it, I had forgotten all about that dream until I read this section of the Course. When I read about the altar being within, I felt chills course through my body and I knew that the dream was very significant, indeed. I had evidently begun something that night, a commitment perhaps, or a recognition that it was time to start another part of the journey. Maybe it is simply that the true mind must steal some time from the ego story, just to be in the truth and to worship at the altar.

Jesus seems to be saying that we become confused and worship at the temple rather than the altar within. We can see this as worshiping the body we made rather than the light we are. We become obsessed with keeping the body alive, healthy, beautiful. We become obsessed with the fantasies played out through the body, giving it roles to play, pleasures and pains to feel, and games of give and take, attack and defend. In doing so we neglect the altar, and the light within is buried so deeply that we forget it exists. Except, perhaps, in the occasional dream.

Of course the altar is not something we see with the body’s eyes. Christ Vision sees clearly, though, and in fact, it sees only the altar, completely overlooking the structure. When seen with Vision I don’t even have a body, nor any of the body fantasies that seem so terribly important to me now. Vision sees only the brilliant glow of the perfect Light that I am.

It sees none of my perceived mistakes or my carefully constructed defenses. It doesn’t see how much weight I have gained, nor how much I have lost. It doesn’t see how badly I treat someone or how carefully I love them. It doesn’t see any of the body games, the ones I call good or the ones I call bad, the ones I think of as success or the ones I fear are failures. Vision sees only the unchanging perfection I am.

When I ask for Christ Vision, this is what I am asking for. I am asking to see only the altar. The body’s eyes show me nothing; they only report to me what I want to see. I pray for the healing of my mind so that all I want to see is Love. I pray not to be distracted or tempted by the illusions the body’s eyes show me, so that I offer them to Spirit for purification. I pray for true Vision. I want to never worship at the temple again when I can worship at the altar instead. 

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 1-2-13

1-2-13
7 The Atonement is a total commitment. You may still think this is associated with loss, a mistake all the separated Sons of God make in one way or another. It is hard to believe a defense that cannot attack is the best defense. This is what is meant by “the meek shall inherit the earth.” They will literally take it over because of their strength. A two-way defense is inherently weak precisely because it has two edges, and can be turned against you very unexpectedly. This possibility cannot be controlled except by miracles. The miracle turns the defense of Atonement to your real protection, and as you become more and more secure you assume your natural talent of protecting others, knowing yourself as both a brother and a Son.

Like most people, I used to believe that forgiveness was a sacrifice. I thought it meant giving in and inviting people to walk on me. For instance, if I forgave my husband for some perceived mistake, then he would just do it again because now there would be no consequences to his actions. But really, he did anyway, so holding the grievance never helped me in any way, but since it was the only defense I knew, I couldn’t afford to let it go.

Then I began to learn, as I studied the Course, that my defense (making him guilty and making sure he knew he was guilty) not only didn’t work, but was actually hurting me instead of him. Every time I projected guilt on him I reinforced the idea of guilt in my mind. It is not just a single thing that I want to forgive, a single act by any one person, but the idea of guilt itself. This is the reason the Atonement is a total commitment.  If I hold anyone in guilt, the idea of guilt grows stronger in my mind rather than being healed.

Eventually, what has happened is that by letting go of many little and big grievances over a period of time, I have learned that grievances don’t really come in degrees. Either someone is guilty or they are not. Either guilt is real or it is not. If guilt is real then sometimes I am going to see myself as the guilty party, and even if I project guilt so thoroughly that I always see the other person as guilty, I will be unconsciously aware of guilt in my mind which seems to grow the more I try to get rid of it.

So the cycle goes like this. I feel guilty. Even if I don’t yet have a reason for the guilt, I feel it because the belief in guilt is in my mind. It’s like an ugly stain, or a nasty taste and I want it gone. It’s worse than that because I think that guilt calls for punishment, so I need it gone. I project the guilt outward and people show up, things happen, and I decide that I now see the reason for the guilt. If I now see a mistake made by myself I can figure out how to avoid that mistake in the future and so now I have convinced myself I am safe from guilt.

Or I will actually punish myself for the mistake and so feel safe from further fear of punishment. I get to choose a punishment I can stand and avoid some imagined (or worse, unimaginable) punishment hanging over me, the ultimate being, death, or maybe hell, which punishes me even after death. But this doesn’t work either because now I have taken what I think of as God’s prerogative for myself, so I feel or repress even more guilt.

Another way the cycle continues is if I place the blame on someone else. Now they are guilty. But it’s the same result. Even if I make enough proof to convince the whole world that the guilt is on someone else, I have simply reinforced, for myself and the whole world, the belief that guilt is real and deserves punishment. And no matter how deeply into denial I go, there is a part of my mind that knows what I am doing. It knows where the guilt actually came from, no matter where it seemed to land.

This is a vicious cycle with no way for me to win, and it seemed like there was no way out of it. The Holy Spirit is a very gentle teacher, though, and I moved through this process slowly, a step at a time. I would notice a guilty thought in my mind and ask the Holy Spirit to heal it.

I would notice a grievance and would tell the Holy Spirit I was willing to forgive it. Then if it turned out that I was not quite ready to forgive it, I would be given another chance when I was ready to try again. Eventually, I reached the place where I knew that there was no grievance I wanted to keep, and no reason to keep it. The process moved more quickly now.

The place I am now is that I recognize that the appearance of guilty people in my life, myself or someone else, is just an out-picturing of the guilt in my mind. I forgive the person or situation as symbolic of forgiving the idea of guilt. That is why when my roofing material was stolen, it never occurred to me to make the thieves guilty.

This is what they did because they feel so far from Love that they must steal to get what they think they need. This is a clear cry for love. I intend to give them what they asked for. So now instead of picturing the guilt outside of me to get rid of it, I am picturing it outside of me so I can see it and forgive it.

My mind is not always so clear on this, and when I become confused about it is usually when I have not forgiven myself or when I feel threatened in some way that still holds meaning for me. If my child is threatened or if the relationship with my child is threatened, for instance, I might go to guilt.

This is an attachment I have not released and because I still think I need it, I am afraid of losing it. The ego mind sees this as a good place to put guilt because guilt and fear are so closely associated. But when this happens, I use it as another opportunity for forgiveness, and another opportunity to allow the idea of guilt to be healed.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 1-1-13

12-31-12
6 Evolution is a process in which you seem to proceed from one degree to the next. You correct your previous missteps by stepping forward. This process is actually incomprehensible in temporal terms, because you return as you go forward. The Atonement is the device by which you can free yourself from the past as you go ahead. It undoes your past errors, thus making it unnecessary for you to keep retracing your steps without advancing to your return. In this sense the Atonement saves time, but like the miracle it serves, does not abolish it. As long as there is need for Atonement, there is need for time. But the Atonement as a completed plan has a unique relationship to time. Until the Atonement is complete its various phases will proceed in time, but the whole Atonement stands at time’s end. At that point the bridge of return has been built.

Jeez, my head is spinning as I try to make sense of this. Ok, I see that I return as I go forward. As I do a lesson and something happens, I fully accept it and my mind is healed of a belief. Then I read something from the Course and the same thing happens again. I forgive what I have believed, and something else has been undone. It seems that I am cautiously taking tiny steps and then more confident strides are made. I definitely feel like I am moving forward. But really, I am returning.

The Atonement frees me from my past errors so I don’t have to keep repeating them over and over again. If I were looking down on my past life, I would see many circular paths. These would be the places where I retraced my steps as I kept making the same mistakes over and over again. The form of the error looks different at times, but the error itself is the same mistaken beliefs being projected onto the world.

Later in life, the path has less of these circular places. The remaining circles are smaller, and some are just curves, and lately, the path is much straighter. The difference is that I have learned to forgive and ask for healing. The Atonement principle has gone into affect in my life and the past forgiven is the past undone. No need to return there. This is how I go foreword to return and do it more quickly. This is how time is saved.

The last part is a bit more confusing. The Atonement is part of time for as long as time lasts. It saves time, making chunks of it unnecessary, but it does not abolish time. I understand that part pretty well. It is like miracles, which are useful here where we think we are, but once we return our mind to God and remember who we are, we will have no use for miracles. The same thing is true of the Atonement.

However, the next part is hard for me to understand. The Atonement also stands at the end of time. It is the bridge that we use to return home? Or as the Atonement is being used in time, it is building the bridge and so at the end is the Atonement that is the bridge home. Well, I am just not sure about that.

I don’t know that I need to understand or even that I can understand.  The important thing to me is that the Atonement, which is forgiveness, is the way I am healed and the way time is saved. This undoes the past and takes me forward on the path home at a good clip, with fewer side trips. And as I go forward I return to where I never left. See, nothing to it!

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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