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Study of Text, Chapter 10: IV. The Denial of God, P 4.7-8-15

V. The Denial of God, P 4
4 Sickness and death seemed to enter the mind of God’s Son against His Will. The “attack on God” made His Son think he was Fatherless, and out of his depression he made the god of depression. This was his alternative to joy, because he would not accept the fact that, although he was a creator, he had been created. Yet the Son is helpless without the Father, Who alone is his Help.

Journal
I seemed to attack God when I chose to experience something unlike Him. I read in A Course of Love that it might be easier to understand if I use the word Creation instead of God. So I think I attacked Creation when I chose to experience something unlike Creation. Yes, that makes sense. That is exactly what we did.
We wanted to see what it would be like to make something that could not possibly occur and so the separation idea unfolded for us. Jesus says that this is when we made a detour into guilt. This is where the problem began. In our guilt, which of course led to fear, we became depressed, and so (having abandoned Love) we made a god of depression.

Because we made ourselves Fatherless, we decided we were our own creator. Now we are alone and without help. We just keep digging ourselves in deeper and deeper as we try to correct what we have done, and try to do this alone. We need our Father’s help but we have denied our Father so we have no help. No wonder we are depressed.

I was a little confused by the idea that we made a god of depression, but I suppose that is what we did. When things go wrong and nothing we do can fix them, we turn to depression. We try to appease the depression with new fixes, and when that doesn’t work we turn to pharmaceuticals. If all else fails we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of depression through sickness and death, or even suicide.

The only way out of this is to accept that we are not our own creators and that we are ready to accept our Father, and to accept His help in undoing what we have done. On a practical day-to-day experience of this I see what I must do, and what I have been doing. I see the dark thoughts that have been the natural consequence of separation thinking and I turn to the Voice for God to receive correction.

It is a simple thing and requires only my desire for healing that is not of my own making. This would seem to be easy enough considering all the proof I have that I cannot do this on my own. Letting go of the fear of God, and letting go of the desire to succeed on my own are the only two things I need in order to be successful in this endeavor. As I let go of my desire to succeed on my own, and turn more and more often to the Guide Home that God placed in my mind, the peace and joy I experience will help me to see that God is Love and I have nothing to fear from Him.

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Study of Text, Chapter10: V. The Denial of God, P 3. 7-7-15

V. The Denial of God, P3
3 Allegiance to the denial of God is the ego’s religion. The god of sickness obviously demands the denial of health, because health is in direct opposition to its own survival. But consider what this means to you. Unless you are sick you cannot keep the gods you made, for only in sickness could you possibly want them. Blasphemy, then, is self-destructive, not God-destructive. It means that you are willing not to know yourself in order to be sick. This is the offering your god demands because, having made him out of your insanity, he is an insane idea. He has many forms, but although he may seem to be many different things he is but one idea;-the denial of God.

Journal
Sometimes as I read what has actually occurred in the mind in order to experience separation, I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. When I deny God, which I do every time I indulge in ego thinking, the drama, the guilt and fear, the pain and suffering, I deny not only God, but also my Self. I deny what I am.

I have been looking at a lot of thoughts and beliefs that I have in the past hidden from myself. I see the belief that I am unfairly treated and I feel so sorry for myself that it makes me cry or it makes me so angry I lash out. Then I feel discouraged because it seems I will never get to the end of these beliefs. I forget that it is only one belief taking many forms. I am looking at the forms in order to make a decision as to whether or not I am ready to finally release the belief to the Holy Spirit.

When I remember what I am doing, I am able to detach somewhat from the emotional reaction, but when I forget the purpose of this work, I just feel helpless. The ego mind is very attracted to the drama of hopelessness, and will go there if I don’t stop the mind from doing so. I saw myself doing this yesterday, forgetting why I am looking at these thoughts and getting caught up in the beliefs and their effects.

One thing happened at work, and while it seemed a minor thing, it triggered a deeply rooted fear in my mind. I reacted to it, and then the ego mind dredged up more fears and it all just cascaded. There was enough detachment for me to realize that this was an ego reaction and so meaningless, but the emotion was really strong.

Last night when I went to bed I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me in my sleep and to heal my mind. When I do this, and especially when I listen to the Course in my sleep, my dreams reflect the Holy Spirit’s teaching in a very helpful and comforting way. I wake up from my sleep happy and encouraged.

This time, though, I had the strangest dreams. It was about people coming back from awakened states and saying that it isn’t all its cracked up to be. These people were angry and there was struggling and gun play involved, and when I woke up I was just confused. I didn’t understand how this was helpful, but I didn’t feel upset about the dream, so I knew it was symbolic.

I see now that this was the ego fighting against awakening. It was the ego version of waking up, finding it unsatisfying, and wanting to return to the world of high drama. I see that this is what is happening in my mind now, the reason I keep falling into the rabbit hole and seemingly losing my way.

I am doing the work that needs to be done to release myself from the dream, and the part of my mind that is attached to the dream is doing what it can to keep me engaged. This is very wearing but as I become more cognizant of what is happening, I am less affected. Just like yesterday, I would feel upset and weepy, then I would pull myself away from that emotion and remember that I have a purpose.

I would get angry and then remember that this is just the ego judgment of the situation and the ego belief in defense through attack, and I would pull myself away again and focus on my purpose. Not so long ago, it might have taken me days to disengage, and now it usually only takes minutes. The work is working.

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Study of Text, Chapter10: V. The Denial of God, P 2. 7-6-15

V. The Denial of God, P2
2 Do not forget, however, that to deny God will inevitably result in projection, and you will believe that others and not yourself have done this to you. You must receive the message you give because it is the message you want. You may believe that you judge your brothers by the messages they give you, but you have judged them by the message you give to them. Do not attribute your denial of joy to them, or you cannot see the spark in them that would bring joy to you. It is the denial of the spark that brings depression, for whenever you see your brothers without it, you are denying God.

Journal
When I read the words that say I deny God, it seems like that can’t be true. Yet, when I think about all I do, say and feel that is opposite to God, I realize it must be true. When I express guilt in any way, I deny God because there is no guilt in God. When my Internet went out on Saturday, I was frustrated because I had plans to work on my computer. There is no frustration in God so I was denying God in that moment. I was worshipping at the ego’s altar.

As Jesus says, when I deny God, I will inevitably project, and this is what I did. I projected onto the Internet people. I thought about how it seems every time it rains my Internet goes out. They have one job to do, to keep the Internet working and they can’t seem to do it. As I had these thoughts, I felt worse and worse. I felt heavy and dark.

A part of my mind was aware of this, noticing the guilt thoughts, the projection, the inevitable effect of projecting guilt. But I was caught up in my stories of guilt and had a hard time letting them go. When I talked to the Internet technician I felt like I was talking to the enemy, like it was his fault my life took a wrong turn. In so doing, I failed to see the spark in him that would have brought me joy. As Jesus says: “It is the denial of the spark that brings depression, for whenever you see your brothers without it, you are denying God.”

Then Sunday morning, I was reading this posting by Paul West and in which he reminds us that there is a beautiful and completely neutral world out there over which we have placed our guilty thoughts. I had to laugh because that is what I did. I made the Internet folks guilty for screwing up my day. The more I thought about it the more I realized I could have asked Holy Spirit what this was for. I could have listened to guidance about what to do next, and had a really good time.

When life sucks, all that means is the thoughts in our mind suck, that we are splattering guilt all over a perfectly neutral world. I had a good laugh about the whole thing Sunday morning and felt a lot of gratitude to ‪Suzanne Weaver, for sharing this, and ‪Paul West, for writing it. Finding this posting on Sunday morning was like Spirit was high-lighting the whole incident so I would really get it.

Once again, I remind myself that I am not the victim of my world, but the maker of it. Listening to the ego mind is always going to make a depressing world, just as allegiance to God will always show me the beautiful world that exists just behind my projections. My internet went out again on Sunday and I did other things.

When I eventually called in, the technician was helpful and I told him he was a genius. He laughed and we said goodbye. That happy ending was there all along, but to experience it, I had to desire the happy ending more than I desired the right to be unfairly treated.

Here is the part of Paul’s posting that was especially helpful to me when I read it.

“What this also reveals, as ACIM would confirm, is that just because the world currently looks a certain way, or the people seem to be in a certain mood, or I’m experiencing it in a certain mindset, or I have a certain feeling about it, this does NOT mean that these things are objectively real. If I am perceiving that other people are unloving, unkind, hateful, fear-inducing, etc. ... this shows me simply that there is content IN MY OWN MIND that I am seeing overlaid on my experience of ‘reality’, making it seem as though the world sucks.

The Course speaks of the forgiven world - a world that you see when YOU have forgiven yourself. It is a neutral world, with no false meaning given to it. It is a lovely world, a beautiful world, a world of such clarity. If we are NOT seeing that world, it is because we have blocks in our awareness. We have blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, and that is what ACIM aims to help remove.

So I should remember, that no matter how the world looks right now, or what content it seems to have, if I am not seeing a completely beautiful neutral world then what I’m seeing is MY OWN STUFF interfering with my perception. It’s not allowing me to experience reality clearly. It’s blocking my view and interfering with what I’m seeing ‘out there’. What I see out there is my own content reflected in a completely clear mirror, showing me my own ego. So if I think this world sucks and am seeing reasons for it sucking, it’s because I suck. Conversely, when I forgive myself for what I have not done and remember my innocence, I will ONLY be able to experience innocence and happiness all around me.”

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter10: V. The Denial of God, P 1. 7-1-15

V. The Denial of God
1 The rituals of the god of sickness are strange and very demanding. Joy is never permitted, for depression is the sign of allegiance to him. Depression means that you have forsworn God. Many are afraid of blasphemy, but they do not understand what it means. They do not realize that to deny God is to deny their own Identity, and in this sense the wages of sin is death. The sense is very literal; denial of life perceives its opposite, as all forms of denial replace what is with what is not. No one can really do this, but that you think you can and believe you have is beyond dispute.

Journal
I went through a period of relinquishing fear and then another of relinquishing guilt. Both were very intense and while in the middle of doing this I would often forget that looking with Holy Spirit at guilt and fear was what I wanted. I would get caught up in these beliefs and think that I was guilt or that I was fear. I would think that I had forgotten everything I ever learned and that I had no way out.

Then I would remember the truth and it was like a drowning person surfacing and gasping for breath, and so thankful for air, then looking around and realizing I was drowning in a foot of water. I would have to laugh. Then I would be immersed in fear or guilt again and the process would start over. Eventually, I stopped believing in fear and guilt so much and the process was gentler and lasted for a shorter period. I won’t say that I never experience guilt or fear anymore, but I never completely believe in them, and now I extricate myself more quickly.

Lately, I have been looking at grief, sadness and depression. I thought I was through with depression, but evidently, the belief in depression is still rooted in my mind, and so it is coming up for me to look at and to release, just as I did guilt and fear. I didn’t realize what was happening at first. I would just get washed away in these feelings and wonder what was happening. But I have done this kind of work before, so I began to recognize it for what it is. This makes the process easier and less frightening.

Here is what I have learned through going through this. First, it is not a sign that the truth is not true. It is not a punishment or proof that I am not loved by God. It is not reason to be upset. It is actually a good thing that these beliefs are surfacing, to be looked at and released. I remind myself of this when I start to feel upset by them.

Looking at them with the Holy Spirit means feeling them, and noticing how much I believe them, so it is not pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be scary. So the second thing is that I welcome them, as much as I can do that. I don’t push these feelings away. I don’t deny them. I don’t project them. I don’t try to bury them. At least I do my best with this and when I notice I am in denial or I am projecting, I stop. These are ego strategies and they do not work.

Thirdly, as I become aware of the feelings and the beliefs that source the feelings, I release them to the Holy Spirit. I cannot undo this on my own. This is His function and so I give it to Him. The ego will try to take over and offer suggestions to get rid of the feelings. It will suggest medication, therapy, blame, and eventually will suggest self-annihilation, as its true desire for me is death. The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, will offer true healing and so I reject the ego solutions, and release the problem to Him.

And finally, as I sit with these feelings, releasing them as best as I can, I notice how hard the ego mind tries to cling to them. The ego just loves all this drama, this focus on separation and misery. So I choose the opposite. I remind myself of the truth of my being. I direct my mind to look away from the darkness and toward the light. The more firmly I make this choice, the more quickly I experience relief, and the less intense the feelings when they surface.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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