Together, We Light the Way

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Study of Manual for Teachers 5-8-12

Day 128
2 The progress of the teacher of God may be slow or rapid, depending on whether he recognizes the Atonement’s inclusiveness, or for a time excludes some problem areas from it. In some cases, there is a sudden and complete awareness of the perfect applicability of the lesson of the Atonement to all situations, but this is comparatively rare. The teacher of God may have accepted the function God has given him long before he has learned all that his acceptance holds out to him. It is only the end that is certain. Anywhere along the way, the necessary realization of inclusiveness may reach him. If the way seems long, let him be content. He has decided on the direction he wants to take. What more was asked of him? And having done what was required, would God withhold the rest?

Well this is a relief. I have always been a little embarrassed at how long it has taken me to get where I am. I started studying the Course in 1981 and I used to feel guilty that I was not as diligent then as I am now. I would think about how different my life would have been if I had always lived the Course. I know. This is silly. My life was what got me here and that is its value to me, but it just seemed that I was somehow supposed to do a more consistent job and wind up here faster.

There are so many things wrong with that attitude that I don’t know where to begin. What makes me think I should have gone faster? I must be comparing myself to others who did go faster. What makes me think I could have done it differently? Obviously if I could have, I would have. 

From the perspective of now, I look back and see that my journey was perfect. If I dilly-dallied and took a lot of side trips, this long and strange trip afforded me many opportunities to make new choices. I have had time to play bit parts in the stories of many people, and sometimes my bit was essential to their story. And what is time anyway? Its nothing but another illusion.

The Holy Spirit has been sending me messages lately that encourage me to relax and enjoy, to set aside the belief that this journey is hard and requires my concentrated attention. He seems to want me to know that I can do my part in the awakening without gritting my teeth the whole time. God wants happy learners and happy teachers.

It seems my time schedule was self-imposed and no one is looking over my shoulder to see how I’m doing. No one is judging my progress by how quickly I move along. Being aware of my self-judgment, and becoming willing to stop, I am noticing how this sense of needing to hurry has permeated all that I do. I eat fast. I walk fast. I feel guilty if I do something “frivolous” when I could be studying, writing or teaching, and I have an overall attitude of hurry up and get through.

Jeepers, maybe I should relax around all this and allow it to unfold naturally. Maybe the reason the Holy Spirit keeps sending me books and quotes and teachers who say that all is perfect just as it is and you cannot fail in this, and stop being so hard on yourself, is because I am so loved and cherished that God only wants me to be happy. If God isn’t holding a stop watch why should I? If God trusts me to make it to the finish line in perfect time, maybe I should trust myself as well. Perhaps I should practice trust and faith by believing, first, in myself.

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