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God’s Will or Self Will?

It is self-will that seems to be the stumbling block for me. I seem, even now, to be in love with my own will. I have a kidney stone that the doctor expects me to pass before Monday. I also had a wedding to officiate during the week. Most things can be postponed, but weddings, with their printed invitations and expensive catering and the availability of the rented hall…. well, you can’t just put a wedding off, especially at the last moment.

I was very nervous about this. I was afraid I would not be able to make it. If I just had a cold or something, I would have bullied my way through it, but if I am in the middle of passing a stone, this isn’t going to happen. I worried over the whole thing for awhile and thought I had found a solution, but that didn’t work out.

I began to notice that I was obsessing about it, and that I was listening to the mind with all its stories of doom and gloom, which is what the mind does. It weaves stories, and this weaving of stories continues the writing of script. This is not something I want to do, so I started my practices of mantra and surrender. I asked myself who it was that wanted to solve this problem. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me see differently. But then I would realize I was back to listening to the mind as it showed me that there really was a problem.

Finally, that night before I went to sleep, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. When I woke up the next morning, I understood something. As I listened to the thinking mind tell its stories, I was stepping back into my little self. I was trying to assert my self-will in this situation. The mind said I had a problem (even thought nothing had happened, by the way) and that I needed to find a solution. I needed to make decisions and make plans.

As I became aware of what was happening, the anxiety melted away. I know I don’t want to do these things. I want to be fully surrendered to God. I want God to walk the earth through me. I cannot have this desire of my Heart if I wrest back control of the situation through asserting my self-will. As I remembered what I really want it became easy to let go.

The ego responded of course, and I had occasional thoughts about it. I had fear thoughts that it really is important that the wedding go on. But I was no longer confused and I just laughed at the idea I know what anything is for. I remembered the section from The Teachings of the Inner Ramana that says I have no control over the what, only over the where. I cannot control what was happening with my body or the wedding. However, I can control where I place my faith and my willingness. I chose to ignore the mind with its crazy thoughts, and to place my attention on the Heart where the Truth abides.

It was a beautiful wedding that went off without a hitch. 

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Power of Willingness

After several years of vigilance in watching my thoughts its clear to me that the ego is all about grievances. The mind is filled with judgmental thoughts, and is constantly projecting blame. These grievances are designed to keep separation in place. I cannot hold a grievance without believing I am separate from that thing or circumstance or person about whom I am agrieved. The only way to be free of grievances is to want to be free of them more than I want to hold onto them.

It is as simple as that. When I want freedom more than I want to be right, the process that is perfect for me at that time will be brought to my attention. Awakening is being directed by the One Mind. All that is required of me is that I desire to awake, that I give my willingness to this. It doesn’t have to be a complete willingness; I give the willingness that I have and trust that it will strengthen as I give it.

The ego must have been very busy in my dreams last night, because I woke up with a mind filled with grievances. As I noticed the depressing state of the mind I felt discouraged. I noticed the thought that I could never do this. It is just too hard. It is impossible. I sat down and opened to today’s lesson and thought, “How can I do this lesson while I feel this way?” This was the right question. When I was saying that I cannot do this, there was no room in my mind for correction. When I asked how I could do this, I was inviting correction.

I suddenly remembered that I do not need to listen to the chatter of the ego. I do not need to believe the ego thoughts that populate the mind. I remembered that I am not the little mind where the ego makes its miserable home. I was before the mind. When the mind is gone, I am. I am that I am. I remembered my desire to take my place among the saviors of the world. I asked for words that would help us wake up. I looked straight through the ego mind into the Mind where I actually abide. That is the power of my true desire. That is the power of Correction when I give my willingness to be corrected.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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A Quiet Mind

2-9-11

Here is my favorite, the statement that I most want to be true for me all the time. I have a quiet mind. I am at peace. I am certain. I am joyous. When I think of these blessings, I see a mind that has become quiet because I have stopped giving its endless parade of nonsense thoughts my attention. Into this mind comes occasional directions on where to go, what to do, who to see and what to say to them. Otherwise it is this lovely quiet place.

One of the surprises of this discipline is learning that the reason it has been so hard to quiet the mind is because I secretly enjoyed all its little dramas. As I finally began to achieve some degree of success I saw panic thoughts. I saw fear of boredom. Who would keep me company? What would I do without thoughts to entertain and occupy me?

I read a lot. I read while I eat, while I wait for someone, when I am too tired to write, as I go to sleep. I drive all day as part of my job and I listen to books constantly. Once recently I was on my way to the store and reached for the cd controls. I realized I didn’t have anything to listen to. It was only a short drive so no biggee. I laughed at myself as I reached for the dial several times on that short drive. I have taught myself I need to be entertained by ego stories all the time.

So while I have finally gotten in touch with the desire for a quiet mind, I still had a lot of resistance to it. I was also afraid of a quiet mind. While listening to The Teachings of the Inner Ramana I heard something that further explained my resistance to the quiet mind. The constant thinking is my “I” self, my separate ego identity asserting itself. I would stop thinking long enough to become aware of what thoughts had been drifting in and out of my mind, and sure enough, it was I this and I that. I want some ice cream. I don’t like that person. I think I would prefer to stay at a different hotel tonight.

Yesterday, as this happened, I would stop myself from the endless loop of mindless thoughts, notice that it was the ego self reasserting its authority, and choose differently by asking, “What would You have me do?” It was an uphill battle. I have given ego free reign for too long to make this an easy change, but it is simple, and will inevitably be successful. I am blessed as a Son of God. I am very powerful.

The mind is my creation as is the ego identity.  I am not subservient to it, only confused about what I want. It may not seem important to realize that I am using the mind to choose what I want for supper and to stop and ask, “What would You have me eat?” It may even sound silly. Why would the Holy Spirit care what I eat? But it is another step in choosing to loosen the “I” identity.

I am blessed as the Son of God. I am at peace. I visualize myself in the eye of the hurricane. All around me chaos appears, but in my Self there is only calm certainty. I know who I am. I am that I am. Nothing that seems to happen in our story of separation can change that. I am still as I was created. Peace is my nature. Certainty is my nature. The winds of fortune shift and change and blow all around me but I stand in quiet curiosity, observing but unmoved.

I am blessed as the Son of God. I am joyous. I have always thought of awakening as very serious business. It is what I want, and while it is important, in fact, all that is important, I am beginning to realize it does not have to be serious. I am beginning to realize what a strange idea it is that awakening to the only thing that is true requires my serious concentration; that awakening is such a fragile state that laughter and fun would shatter it. I don’t know where I got that attitude, but I see that I was mistaking seriousness for firm intention. I am now firmly intent on joy.

Again, I have been surprised to discover a resistance to even this change. You would think that the idea of joy as a state of being would be so attractive that I would jump right on it. But the ego doesn’t seem all that attracted to joy. I will be feeling joy, joy without a story attached, just joy bubbling up in me and the ego will start throwing thoughts at me designed to pull me back to its reality. I will think of something worrisome or sad or potentially dangerous.

I have also discovered that joy is not really joy if it is part of a story. I can think of something happy that happened to me, and feel good about it, but that is not joy. Joy doesn’t depend on circumstances. So I can’t think joy into being. The ego doesn’t like this because it is something out of its “domain.” Joy just is, and to experience it I seem to only need to want it, and to not allow myself to choose something else instead. I speak of this in only the most uncertain terms because I am on new ground here. But, oh my, what glorious ground this is!

Holy Spirit: Indeed you are blessed as a Son of God! I encourage you to choose joy often. There will be so many opportunities all day long to choose God. When you smile, Heaven smiles with you.

Me: What a wonderful lesson. Thank You so much. I am willing to be very aware of those opportunities. I am so full of gratitude this morning, Holy Spirit. Yesterday I began to feel anxious by the end of the day. It seemed I was noticing the same thoughts all day long. I began to feel as if I were having no effect on the mind. But now I feel energized and ready to begin again.

Holy Spirit: Did you notice that even as you rose from sleep that the thinking mind was right there beginning its process of establishing dominance in the mind? Its first thought was one of deciding if you should get up at that moment or go back to sleep.

Me: Yes, I noticed that. I noticed the back and forth play as thoughts of sleep vs what needs to be done today, how I have felt in the past when I got up early vs how I felt when I slept late and didn’t get as much done as I thought I should. This opened a whole new line of thought creating doubt and uncertainty, and it began to feel confusing and discouraging. All of this in just a moment as I lay there. I never noticed before how burdensome all of this thinking is. I am encouraged, though, because I deliberately, and without thinking, asked what You would have me do.

Holy Spirit: I was hoping you noticed that. The ego judged the degree of your success yesterday based on its own interpretations. It cannot know if you succeeded because it doesn’t know what anything is for. After only a single day of concentrated effort on your part, you have shifted the ego dynamic. You began the day listening to the mind, and very quickly chose to give your attention to Me instead.

Today when the mind seems filled with discouraging thoughts, just look at them. Is that what you want to believe? Looking with belief is suffering. It is not necessary or helpful. Look, instead, with mild curiosity. Then ask Me for My thoughts instead.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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If Guilt is Hell

2-8-11
This morning may be the first time ever that I answered, without hesitation or thought, the question, “If guilt is hell, what is its opposite?” The word that came into my awareness unbidden by the ego thinking mind was innocence. I am not guilty because I am innocent. You are not guilty because you are innocent. Innocence is Heaven. As I stand on that firm ground, that unchanging, unshifting ground, everything else falls gently into place.

I notice a thought in the mind that says I should have remembered my brother’s birthday. I feel guilt arise from believing and entertaining that thought. My obvious interest in guilty thoughts invites more of them into my mind and soon I am awash in guilt. It all happens very quickly, so quickly that it seems to be happening to me, rather than by me.

Recently, my vigilant practice has lifted me from those shifting sands and placed me on firmer ground. I have been using the mantra, “I am that I am.” And sometimes, “I am that I am, and I am nothing else.” I use the mantra as a constant reminder of my truth. I use it to break the cycle of guilty thinking. This morning I realize that this mantra is saying the same thing as today’s lesson. My holiness is my salvation. Both are excellent mantras with the same meaning. So is, “I am as God created me.” These words all remind me that I am not guilty, I am innocent.

Standing on this firm ground of innocence, when the thought appears that I should have remembered my brother’s birthday, I notice it and allow it to leave my mind. I do not give it my attention because I am not interested in entertaining guilt. I am not as enamored of guilt as I once was. I have not given it up completely, but I am more interested in letting it go than I am in feeding it with my faith. It has begun to starve from lack of attention.

As I continue this practice (which has been greatly helped by listening to the Inner Ramana Teachings as I drive all day in my job, or work around the house on weekends) something very interesting and wonderful is happening. I have begun to laugh at the idea of listening to the mind. I will be experiencing a perfect moment. Absolutely everything is perfect. There is nothing in that moment to complain about, worry about, or regret. The ego mind will offer me an objection; dredge up a memory from the past of an error that feels shameful, or, if I am not interested in those, it will invent some worry about the future.

If I give this ridiculous parade of thoughts my attention and concern the perfection of the moment dissolves into pain, sorrow, anger, fear; actually it doesn’t matter which of these because they are all the same. They are different forms of the same effect. Guilt has appeared as a thought in the mind and if embraced as true, its effect is lack of peace. The story doesn’t matter. The form of the effect doesn’t matter. Lack of peace is lack of peace.

The funny part, the part that makes me laugh is that I have begun to see the absurdity of believing my thoughts. I have to ask myself why on earth I ever gave these thoughts credence. As I think about it I laugh out loud! In the past the ego would say, “Here’s a reason to feel guilty.” And I would dutifully respond, “Oh yes, I see. Give me another memory to reinforce that guilt.”

I didn’t use those words, of course. After all, that wouldn’t be part of the game I play with the ego. In order to sustain the existence of the ego I have to pretend that I don’t know what is going on. But now that I have chosen to break that incredibly painful and destructive cycle and to call the ego on its game, I am having a lot of trouble taking it seriously. Thus I am going around laughing like a loon at unexpected moments.

I am looking forward to another day of watching the ego dissolve in my laughter. My visual is of the wicked witch of the west melting as Dorothy pours water on her. “Oh nooo!” In the story, the witch was terrifying and dangerous to Dorothy, and yet, in the end she was of such little substance that she could be dissolved by simple water. Guilt is much the same, it seems. It dissolves in the face of a simple mantra, and a gleeful laugh.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Talking to Holy Spirit about a Special Relationship

What I notice about fear is that it paralyzes me when I try to resist and deny it. My mind becomes confused and I am uncertain what to do, even uncertain what to pray. I am learning that I am always better off not acting from that confusion, but resting my mind in God before making decisions. Sometimes this can feel difficult because my confusion, which is always born of fear, seems to demand action.

My son had told me about something going on with him and I was very concerned about it. I don’t usually offer instruction or advice to my kids who are all grown unless they ask for it. But since he brought this up to me, I replied by email. I am usually pretty circumspect when doing something like this. But that was not how I felt to be, and I was rather blunt in my reply. I did not say anything that is not true, but I may have said something he does not want to hear. Since then I have been worrying and wonder if I made an error in doing this. It would have been much safer to not say anything.

I have looked carefully at my feelings and realize that my fear is losing his love and affection. I fear loss of the relationship which is very “special” to me. I recognize the error in my thinking but that did not seem to relieve the fear. I ask Holy Spirit to look with me and I expresse the willingness to use this situation to practice feeling as well as simply being aware intellectually. But nothing has happened. I just keep this mild anxiety and I am tired of that. But I trust myself and my willingness to do what I need to do in perfect timing.

Holy Spirit, I need help. I don’t know what to do about this. I am willing to have this resolved one way or another but I don’t want to drag it out forever. I am willing to experience the fear, anger, guilt, whatever, but I also want to have my peace back, and I want to be happy again. I just am unwilling to sit in denial anymore. What should I do to crack open this fear?

Holy Spirit: Fear keeps you bound, sweet child. Special relationships awaken fear in the mind because their specialness is incongruent with your reality. You are one, you are whole, there is nothing lacking in you, and yet the very thought of specialness is one of separation and lack. As long as you treasure one relationship above another you will live in fear of loss because you have separated out a part of yourself and seemed to have made it different from yourself. Now, in your mind and therefore in your experience, though not in reality, you are no longer whole. This is frightening.

Me: Yes, I can see what you mean. I have made this relationship with my child special and so it seems to be something outside wholeness. Now I fear it will be snatched from me or lost in some way. Yet, to think of voluntarily giving up my special relationships feels like a loss, too. I can at least defend against the loss if it is threatened from without, but to just give it to You without a fight seems like an immediate and irrevocable loss. I know this is wrong minded thinking and I know that you have talked to me about this before, but in my fear of loss, my mind becomes muddled.

Holy Spirit: Do you remember the prayer I gave you? “Please take the specialness from this relationship and leave only the love.” I am not asking you to sacrifice your relationship. I am asking you to let me remove the guilt, pain and suffering from it. Would you be willing to trust me to do this? I am not going to leave you with less, but will restore wholeness to your memory.

The fear and the pain that you often experience in your relationships are not things added to the relationship, but rather they are empty holes, the result of trying to break love into parts. As you give up wanting your “loved one” to fill those holes for you, you will understand that you lack nothing and need nothing from that person. Will that be a loss? I say to you that giving up the belief that you need something from someone is not loss.

As you remember that you are whole and need nothing, you have everything to offer and will offer it without hesitation. While you still believe you need something from your child the only thing that passes between you are trade agreements. You give this and in return, he gives that. That is not love, my friend. This sad exchange could only pass for love in an insane world. This is the only thing you are asked to sacrifice. And this is no sacrifice at all.

Me: And if he doesn’t like what I said and he withholds his affection from me? This feels like loss to me, Holy Spirit, and it is not something I want to experience. I know that sounds pathetic but it is what I feel. But I am willing to chance this heartbreak. I am willing to hear You.

Holy Spirit: You are giving Me your willingness to sacrifice, Precious One, and I assure you I have no need of your sacrifice. You want me to prove to you that you lose nothing when you give me the relationship you have with your child. You want that proof before you give it to me, and that is not possible. The proof comes in the giving. You know this is true. You have done this before. You are listening to the ego in your mind and are allowing it to confuse you.

Me: Ah yes. That is right. I have trusted you many times and I have never been disappointed. You have never asked me to give up anything except that which hurts me. Thank you, Holy Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit has spoken to me of surrender and as I am writing this I realize that my biggest fear in this idea of surrender is related to the situation with my son. If I completely surrender I am saying that I am not going to try to control the outcome. I am not going to write a conciliatory email. I am not even going to want a particular outcome.

Surrender means letting go of all sense of control on the level of the ego. This situation would not be in my experience if I did not desire to experience it so I am going to surrender to the experience. I am going to trust myself as Myron and trust myself as Toby. Myron is a thought in the mind of the Son and so is Toby. I am going to let him have his experience, not out of a sense of sacrifice, but out of trust and love. I have taken many small steps toward giving my special relationships to the Holy Spirit to be transformed into holy relationships. This is another step and I am glad to take it.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Judgment

Here is what I seemed to have learned about judgment. The thoughts of judgment are always going to be there because they are in the sleeping mind as part of the separation thought. So as long as we embrace separation, we will continue to be aware of judgment.

However, as I continue to bring thoughts to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to purify them for me, I find that I no longer believe the thoughts. They become like background noise and when I notice one I ask for healing of that thought.

Through this process, I’ve learned that salvation is not personal. The thoughts are not personal, the healing is not personal. Nothing is personal because that would imply personhood which is separation.

Now when a judgment thought arises, I ask that the mind be healed and know that I am healing the Sonship as I do this. Instead of feeling guilty for having the judgment, I feel helpful to the Sonship.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Forgiveness is All I Want

The more I do the Lessons the more I see that each one offers me salvation if I choose to fully accept it. For instance, the forgiveness lessons teach me that this is all I want and I can have it by giving it. If I did only this on a consistent basis, I would awaken from the dream. How could I not? It took me twenty six years to really understand what forgiveness is. Not because it is so hard to understand, but because I didn’t want it to be true. To understand that forgiveness undoes the idea that someone else is responsible and to blame, and that always I am only forgiving myself, was not a welcome realization.

Now that I am willing to be completely responsible for everything in my life, now that I am willing to let everyone and everything off the hook and see the world and my brothers as innocent, it all seems so simple and self evident that I cannot kid myself about it being a difficult concept to understand. It was just a hard concept to accept as true. Now that I have I am greatly relieved because I see the infinite value of being responsible. I see the power that it takes to create the illusion that the Son of God is powerless, so I know I hold the power within my mind to undo the belief and so undo its effects.

I no longer sit in my victimhood praying for someone to rescue me from what others have done to me. Now I find the whole idea of doing so completely insane. Thank you, God, for that clarity! It is not like discovering some great elusive truth so much as it is like suddenly opening my eyes and seeing what was always right before me. That I receive what I give has been the same journey. I accepted the idea as being true, but it was meaningless to me for such a long time. Sure I understood the words and understood the meaning of each individual word, but when you put it together into a sentence, you lost me.

I have to laugh at myself now that I have finally accepted the obvious truth. There is only one Son of God, and we are It. I give only to myself because there is no one else to give to. What is so hard to understand about that? Obviously I did not want to accept that I am not special. I needed you to be different from me because that was the only way I could appear special. How could I be special if we were all the same? And if we are different, separate, then it is impossible to understand that as I give to you, I give to myself. This is why for so long, I stubbornly refused to open my eyes and see what was right in front of me.

Now that I have seen the truth I first feel like crying at the wasted time. Thank God I am eternal and so that doesn’t matter, and anyway time is an illusion. I feel like laughing in joy to see that I am not surrounded by strangers, but by my beloved brothers all of whom are part of my One Self. These are the same ones who just recently were seen as enemy and competitor and cause of all my grief, but no longer. It is a simple and natural thing to think first, “How can I be helpful?” when I recognize my brother is myself and my Love.

So what is left to do? As I sit here in the solitude of this room all is calm and peaceful. When I leave this pocket of peaceful solitude, the world we have created to distract us from the truth begins its job and I get distracted! I start off with the idea that the one before me is my brother/my self, and before you know it, the ego part of my mind is insisting this guy is trying to steal my peace. And for a little while I am again warring with my brother, completely forgetting I war only with myself. But wait! It is different now because I know something I didn’t know before, and soon I am asking the Holy Spirit to help me see this differently.

This is what is left for me to do. I need to practice the truth. I need to forgive and forgive and forgive until I no longer choose anything but the truth. When I first accepted the truth I was so disappointed to find out that there was more to do. I just couldn’t believe how easily I gave up my peace as soon as I let my guard down, and I went through a period of real depression because I didn’t see how I was ever going to do this. Everyone and everything seemed to elicit a reaction from me and that elicited guilt which just made it all the worse. But I kept at it and now, instead of being upset that I have temporarily forgotten my identity, I am glad for the opportunity to look at and forgive error once more, knowing that this practice brings us closer to our truth. Now even my mistakes have gained great value for me as I see they are not sins but merely opportunities for remembering.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for being the ever present Voice for God within me. Thank you, Jesus, my brother, for overcoming the world so that I could know it can be done. And thank you for not abandoning what you started and for being with me always. Thank You, God, for creating me holy, and perfect and unassailable. Thank you for extending Yourself and so making me like You. Thank You for loving me always.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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