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Study of Manual for Teachers 2-22-12

Day 53
5 There can be no order of difficulty in healing merely because all sickness is illusion. Is it harder to dispel the belief of the insane in a larger hallucination as opposed to a smaller one? Will he agree more quickly to the unreality of a louder voice he hears than to that of a softer one? Will he dismiss more easily a whispered demand to kill than a shout? And do the number of pitchforks the devils he sees carrying affect their credibility in his perception? His mind has categorized them all as real, and so they are all real to him. When he realizes they are all illusions they will disappear. And so it is with healing. The properties of illusions which seem to make them different are really irrelevant, for their properties are as illusory as they are.

This, of course, reminds me of “A Beautiful Mind,” in which a brilliant but schizophrenic scientist begins to doubt his own beliefs, and so learns to disregard the voices and the visions. He has used the most difficult of all classrooms to learn, and therefore to teach, that our thoughts are illusions, and that we choose the ones we want to believe. Believing them is all that gives them life in our personal worlds.

Closer to home for me is my second husband, Charlie. Charlie’s story is one of schizophrenia as well. He sees things and hears voices that no one else does. I can assure you they feel as real to him as the voices and visions that you and I share. His are as real (or rather unreal) as ours, since this is all an illusion. But because of his paranoia, and the fact that others don’t believe in his “reality” it is more painful than most of ours.

The challenge for him all of his life is that when someone questioned his understanding, he would have to sort through those thoughts and then try to decide if the meaning he gave them was right or if the other person was right. His paranoia made this so much harder because it told him that people were trying to mislead him. Because he believed that thought, it was very real for him.

We do the same thing, although without a malfunctioning brain it is easier for us and since most people sort in more or less the same way with pretty much the same conclusions, we don’t feel so uncertain and afraid of the process. My experience has been that believing the same way as everyone else does not make my decisions right, it just makes me one of many who have given meaning and value where there is none.

This is why I want to let go of my thinking mind which will always function within the parameters of the illusion, and so never lead me out of it. Another way to express this is that I want to let go of directing and analyzing and giving my attention to the ego thoughts in my mind. I want to disregard appearances, and disregard meaning and thinking, and wait for direction from something outside ego to be given me. The Inner Ramana through Regina calls this receiving direction through the mind from outside the mind. When that happens there is nothing for me to do with it but to be grateful and to follow the way it points.

What a relief to realize I can stop figuring out which illusion is truer than the other, and just know that all illusions are false. This will make such a clear and open space in my mind that I can be filled with truth. What is happening now is that I do this and then find an illusion I like and pretty soon I have forgotten my purpose and am off and running with another story.

In NTI, the Holy Spirit tells me that I will make a sincere decision to put them down but will then pick them up again, but not to worry about this. He says that this is like cutting off the leaves and I will continue to do this until I get to the root. He says it is a moment to moment decision. So in this moment, my decision is for God.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 2/21/12

Day 52
4 It is in the sorting out and categorizing activities of the mind that errors in perception enter. And it is here correction must be made. The mind classifies what the body’s eyes bring to it according to its preconceived values, judging where each sense datum fits best. What basis could be faultier than this? Unrecognized by itself, it has itself asked to be given what will fit into these categories. And having done so, it concludes that the categories must be true. On this the judgment of all differences rests, because it is on this that judgments of the world depend. Can this confused and senseless “reasoning” be depended on for anything?

A customer calls me with a problem. Even as he begins to speak, my mind has already begun the process of sorting and categorizing. At incredible speed I have put him in his place in my mind, who I think he is, what I think about his personality and how that will affect the tone of my reply to him, how smart I think he is, and how that will affect the words I use to answer him.

I judge according to how often he calls, and whether he is actually going to follow my advice. I calculate how important he is to me as a customer, how much time I can afford to give him. I judge his words to me according to their impact on my life. Does he sound mad and will this affect my bottom line? Perhaps I will see his request as a good opportunity to make myself more important to him. Perhaps I will see it as an intrusion.

And each of these thoughts branch off into more thoughts. It is all based on the past and on my thoughts about the past. No one is allowed to simply be. No one is allowed to free himself from the little prisons I build for him. He is, in my mind, the person I created. His actions and words seem to prove this to me over and over, and I mindlessly accept the judgments as if they were given to me, written in stone. “Ah hah, I knew he would do this or say that. I must be an astute judge of character.” And all along I am the maker of his character, pretending to discover it.

My day is thrown askew because circumstances change. I quickly, faster than the speed of light, I decide what it means and how it feels, and thus make a response. I pretend that none of this happened in my mind. I pretend that I am an innocent victim of circumstances beyond my control, and my feelings seem to confirm this assessment, confirm and prove it. All the time I am creating the categories that each judgment falls in and thus creating my reaction, which I then pretend is out of my control. What a dizzying process of self-delusion, and yet it is what I do all day long, every day.

The only exceptions are when I am, for brief periods of time, in my right mind. In that sublime state, love overflows into everything, and when the customer calls I only want to know how I can help this precious child of God, and I don’t ask my ego mind because I am in the other part of my mind. From this part of my mind, I don’t have any desire to categorize or judge. I don’t figure anything out. I bypass the thinking mind, and simply ask, and the answer is given.

Its so simple and so perfect, it seems I would always want to be only there. It seems a mystery to me that I so quickly revert to the ego- thinking mind. This morning I was reading a note I had made for myself. It came from Regina and she was talking about devotion to silence.

She said that the thoughts would start again and your attention would drift to them. Then she said that we can again make the decision to return to the heart. And she said, “In this decision thoughts are not fed. That which is not fed must eventually die.” How encouraging that feels to me!

This crazy self-deluding process of asking to be given what fits into my categories as proof that my categories are true is very deeply rooted in my consciousness, but I trust it can be undone. I give my desire and my willingness today to starve the ego-thinking mind through frequently turning my attention away from it.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 2/20/12

Day 51
3 Where do all these differences come from? Certainly they seem to be in the world outside. Yet it is surely the mind that judges what the eyes behold. It is the mind that interprets the eyes’ messages and gives them “meaning.” And this meaning does not exist in the world outside at all. What is seen as “reality” is simply what the mind prefers. Its hierarchy of values is projected outward, and it sends the body’s eyes to find it. The body’s eyes will never see except through differences. Yet it is not the messages they bring on which perception rests. Only the mind evaluates their messages, and so only the mind is responsible for seeing. It alone decides whether what is seen is real or illusory, desirable or undesirable, pleasurable or painful.

No matter what the body’s eyes tells us we see we must yet interpret that thing. We give everything all the meaning it has for us. How we perceive all things is up to us. It is very helpful at this point to ask for help. My experience has been that if I feel upset in any way about something I see, the Holy Spirit can always show me a different meaning. 

I became convinced of this when I read some of the interpretations of the Bible Jesus gave us in the Text. One of them particularly impressed upon me how important it is to read with the Holy Spirit rather than the ego. The Biblical quote said, “God will not be mocked.” Before I had ACIM, I thought of this passage as scary. It seemed like a threat. If I mocked God, that is if I did or believed anything He didn’t like, I was in trouble.

Jesus explained that I saw it this way because I was reading with the ego, which is a fear based thought system, so my understanding would naturally be fearful. He then told me that this quote was actually a promise and a reassurance. Reading it with the Holy Spirit I understood it to mean that nothing that we could do would in any way affect God, so don’t worry about it.

I visualize it this way. My mind has two filters. One of them is a truth filter, the other is a distorted separation filter. I read these simple words, “God will not be mocked.” They have no particular meaning until I filter them; they are just words, symbols of symbols. If I am using my God filter, I am reassured by the meaning they take on as the words pass through peace, love, joy, wholeness, and perfection. If I filter them through my ego filter, I am frightened by the meaning, which is affected by all that the ego filter holds; the beliefs in fear, suffering, punishment, shame, guilt, and death.

This one reinterpretation convinced me to form the happy habit of doing all things with the Holy Spirit rather than ego, so that I could discern from a true perspective, rather than from a perspective distorted by fear and guilt. The more perfectly I do this, the more peaceful and happy I am.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 2/19/12

Day 50
2 Illusions are always illusions of differences. How could it be otherwise? By definition, an illusion is an attempt to make something real that is regarded as of major importance, but is recognized as being untrue. The mind therefore seeks to make it true out of its intensity of desire to have it for itself. Illusions are travesties of creation; attempts to bring truth to lies. Finding truth unacceptable, the mind revolts against truth and gives itself an illusion of victory. Finding health a burden, it retreats into feverish dreams. And in these dreams the mind is separate, different from other minds, with different interests of its own, and able to gratify its needs at the expense of others.

I really like this explanation of illusions. I wanted to experience something that was not true. I wanted to experience separation, and in fact, I had an intense desire to have this experience. So I attempted to make the best illusion possible so that it would be believable.

This meant I had to convince myself that I was separate. Being the Son of God with all the creative ability of the Son, I did this so well that I scared myself. I imagine the terror of believing I had literally separated myself from God and had undone his creation. Now I imagine the “game” took on a deadly seriousness, and an intensity of purpose as the illusion became the way I hid from God.

So everything God became something to defend against. God is wholeness and so my every thought is concentrated on separateness. I look at another body and see it as if it were separate from me. God is peace so I see this separate body as having what I want and I struggle to get it, or as wanting what I have and so I defend against it. Because I now have decided that body is separate from me, I don’t believe that what I do to it or think about it can have any affect on me.

Perfection is of God and so I dream up imperfect symbols and I experience broken and distorted bodies. God is love so I write stories of hate and live out those stories in fear. I pretend I long to love and be loved, all the time distorting the very definition of love to the point its unrecognizable. God is health and so in my guilty fear of all things God, I retreat into sickness and pain. God is life and so my final triumph is the death of my body, foolishly insisting that the story of this body is my life.

And because I am now living in fear of what I have done, I pretend it wasn’t done by me but to me, and use my creativity to “prove” this is true. I make stories of blame and shame and project them onto my illusion. I point my finger and tell myself that I knew it wasn’t my fault, but was his. He did this to me. It just happened and I was caught up in the disaster, an innocent bystander punished for someone else’s sin. And ultimately, I project it onto God through my story of paradise lost, and thus I reinforce my fear of God.

No wonder it is so hard to unravel the dream, and to accept that I am responsible for all that happens to me. God is strength and invulnerability, and complete safety, so I have made an illusion of myself as weak and vulnerable and preyed upon by everything I see. So once I begin to suspect that this story I call my life, and this world I think of is my home is actually an illusion, I still must become convinced that I can do anything about it.

Why would I believe I could? I have made of myself a weak person; busy battling imaginary monsters, and mostly losing. It is so very hard to accept that I am one who could make this incredible illusion, and even harder to believe I could undo it. And perhaps hardest of all is to imagine it is safe for me to come out of hiding.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 2/18/12

Day 49
8. HOW CAN PERCEPTION OF ORDER OF DIFFICULTIES BE AVOIDED?
The belief in order of difficulties is the basis for the world’s perception. It rests on differences; on uneven background and shifting foreground, on unequal heights and diverse sizes, on varying degrees of darkness and light, and thousands of contrasts in which each thing seen competes with every other in order to be recognized. A larger object overshadows a smaller one. A brighter thing draws the attention from another with less intensity of appeal. And a more threatening idea, or one conceived of as more desirable by the world’s standards, completely upsets the mental balance. What the body’s eyes behold is only conflict. Look not to them for peace and understanding.

Its important that I understand this idea of perception. My perception of something is how I see it, what it means to me. Where does this perception come from? It is based on what I think I know from my gathering of information, from the way I was raised, how much influence my peers have on me, and my desire to see something in a certain way. And most of all, it is based on my desire to be special and unique, different from you and everyone else, and on my desire to experience what can never happen, that is, separation from God.

I have thoughts in my mind about how a certain thing should be or not be. I am deeply attached to these thoughts, these judgments, and so I am determined that they be true. I seek to prove that they are true by projecting my thoughts onto the world, and using the body’s eyes to show me the proof of my thoughts.

We all share this strange illusion that our eyes show us truth and then we judge how that truth affects us. Actually, we gave the body’s eyes the purpose of reporting back to us what we actually made appear in the world. Looking at the world for the cause of our happiness or our upset will never get us anyplace because (as the Inner Ramana says) we are looking in the wrong direction. The cause is not out there, but in our minds.

My perception is different from your perception, which is the cause of many misunderstandings and conflicts. Its amazing to me how often I will think I am having a meeting of the minds (your perception is the same as my perception) only to discover you are seeing this issue in a completely different way than I am.

I am so sure of my stand that I wonder what is wrong with you that you can’t see something so obvious. And I am sure you feel the same way about my understanding. As I am learning that perception is not reality I am also learning to laugh at my certainty that I am right. But up until that change of mind, disagreements like this could lead to war.

Here is an example. Let’s say that I am a democrat and you are a republican. I can’t believe some of the stuff you are saying. How could my friend, this good intelligent person believe this claptrap. (And of course you are thinking the same thing about me, since your perception tells you that what you believe is certain and self-evident.)

If politics really matter to me then I might eventually realize that I cannot continue to be friends with a republican. The ego mind tells me that my problem is you and the only solution is to change you or move you out of my life. This makes absolute sense to the ego because the ego is all about separation.

As I begin to wake up, I realize that you cannot be my problem because I am never a victim of the world I see (including you). You cannot be my problem because I am solely responsible for the world as I see it. So the problem cannot be you, but must be a thought in my mind that I am unwilling to question. If I give the Holy Spirit my willingness to see differently, I will withdraw my projections onto you and forgiveness will heal my mind. From a healed mind, will come a healed world since the world is my projection.

What I am learning is that politics isn’t the problem. Politics is one way I express the problem, just one form of the problem. The problem is that I want to experience separation and so I project separation in many, many ways, and politics is just one of them. I can give up all interest in politics, but if I have not given up my interest in separation, then it will just show up in another form. Maybe I will decide you don’t understand what the Course is really saying, and I will have to convince you of the “right” understanding. And so separation just continues.

On the other hand, a beautiful healing is mine if I want it, and all it costs me is my desire to perceive in a certain way. As long as I want to remain in this illusory world, I will have to perceive because perception is what keeps it going. But through forgiveness, I can allow my perceptions to become a reflection of truth, and the illusion becomes a happy story in which seemingly separate individuals project from a healed mind.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 2/17/12

Day 48
5 The real basis for doubt about the outcome of any problem that has been given to God’s Teacher for resolution is always self-doubt. And that necessarily implies that trust has been placed in an illusory self, for only such a self can be doubted. This illusion can take many forms. Perhaps there is a fear of weakness and vulnerability. Perhaps there is a fear of failure and shame associated with a sense of inadequacy. Perhaps there is a guilty embarrassment stemming from false humility. The form of the mistake is not important. What is important is only the recognition of a mistake as a mistake.

6 The mistake is always some form of concern with the self to the exclusion of the patient. It is a failure to recognize him as part of the Self, and thus represents a confusion in identity. Conflict about what you are has entered your mind, and you have become deceived about yourself. And you are deceived about yourself because you have denied the Source of your creation. If you are offering only healing, you cannot doubt. Doubt is the result of conflicting wishes. Be sure of what you want, and doubt becomes impossible.

This is very helpful. Any time I doubt the outcome it is because I am confused about who I am. I have identified with the ego self and separation is the opposite of healing. When I heal it is the Holy Spirit within me rising to answer the Holy Spirit in the “other.” It is true joining, true union. There is no place for ego in this.

If I return my attention to the ego self, I have placed a gap between us and healing is no longer possible because union is no longer possible. I fill this gap with thoughts of self; “how do I do this,” “what if I fail,” “what will people think?” It is no longer about healing, about joining. It is now about me in exclusion of the other.

When I offer healing, that is my prayer. When I doubt who I am, I now have conflicting prayers. My prayers are that I will look good, I will be successful, I will not fail. Where is my prayer that my brother and I will join in truth and wholeness and the perfection of creation? How can I expect this outcome when I am confused about who I am?

The solution to this is very simple. Let me recognize the mistake as a mistake. When I was dealing with the situation with my son’s sickness I see that I made this mistake. I began by praying for his healing, but when I became distracted by the appearance of continuing symptoms, I fell into ego thinking. I was no longer joined in healing with him, but became egocentric. It was all about me; it was about my fear of failure, my pain, my sense of helplessness, and my guilt.

When I finally saw this as the error it was, I surrendered as ego and allowed the Self to fill me instead. As I let go of identifying with ego, all of that self-doubt fell away, too. As Self there is no room for doubt, and no room for “me” as separate from him. As I heal, he heals because there is no separation.

It occurs to me that this is equally true of all forms of healing, not just physical. I think of a friend with a problem and I pray for her healing. I know she is healed and I have no problem with doubt. I don’t need to see her accept the healing, because I know she is healed and will accept it when she is ready to.

Another time she has a problem and I pray for the perfect resolution to that problem, but I notice doubt and confusion in my mind. I have the same kind of egocentric thoughts in my mind that Jesus describes; fear of failure, guilty embarrassment.

I realize that I have the same problem she does, and so I believe in the problem and not the solution. Now it is my mind that needs to be healed. I have forgotten who I am, and am identified with the ego self. I recognize it is just a mistake, and I ask that my mind be healed. In my acceptance of the healing, it is offered to my friend who will accept it when it is time for her to do so.

As I consider the contrast in those two instances, I see very clearly what Jesus is telling me in these two passages. Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me this additional clarity.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 2/16/12

Day 47
4 One of the most difficult temptations to recognize is that to doubt a healing because of the appearance of continuing symptoms is a mistake in the form of lack of trust. As such it is an attack. Usually it seems to be just the opposite. It does appear unreasonable at first to be told that continued concern is attack. It has all the appearances of love. Yet love without trust is impossible, and doubt and trust cannot coexist. And hate must be the opposite of love, regardless of the form it takes. Doubt not the gift and it is impossible to doubt its result. This is the certainty that gives God’s teachers the power to be miracle workers, for they have put their trust in Him.

When I read this section I think about the time my son was very sick. I prayed for his healing, and was discouraged because his symptoms continued. I became confused and thought I had not prayed right or that my prayer was not being answered. My confusion came from thinking I knew how the prayer should be answered. It also came because I forgot that I was praying that my son’s my mind be healed, and so was looking to his body for proof. I was also insisting he accept the healing whether he was ready for it or not.

While he was still experiencing symptoms he would call me to talk about it. He was so sick and was also afraid because he didn’t know what was wrong or what to do about it. I felt really bad for him and expressed my concern because that is what love does. But is that true? Does love doubt? Does love fear? What if I put my fear and doubt into words? What if I gave my feelings words?

“Toby, you want to be whole and perfect but I don’t see that happening for you. You just don’t seem willing to accept this. Maybe if you were stronger and less vulnerable. Maybe if you were not so weak. As it is, I have prayed and prayed and you just won’t get well. I’m started to feel like you are proof that my prayers are inadequate, and I resent this. I’m tired of feeling helpless before your helplessness and fearful before your fearfulness. Please get well or stop torturing me with your stories of refusing to get well. Oh God, what a horrible mom I am. I can’t help you and now I resent you.”

Of course I didn’t say these words or even think them, or at least I didn’t let myself realize I was thinking them. That’s a nifty trick of the ego, that instant amnesia when the thoughts are too revealing. But even without my active participation in the thoughts, they do their job of keeping me in hell. And looking at them like this, seeing what it means to doubt a healing, I have no trouble understanding what Jesus tells us. Continued concern is attack, not love. If doubt is not love, and clearly it isn’t, then it must be hate.

I came back to this situation because it is a very clear example of an unhealed healer attempting to heal. When finally through surrender I prayed truly with my friends, I received a healing. It was my own healing. I let go of the need to see any change in my precious son. I let go of the need to see him meet my expectations, and gave him the gift of my acceptance. I released him to be sick or even to die if that was important to his lesson. This was my healing. His followed shortly after.

I often write about this situation because it was such a profound healing for me and was rich with many lessons that transfer in my life to other situations. When it happened I didn’t see how all the lessons at once; I only felt the deep peace that comes from healing. I see that all my errors stemmed from one. I doubted the gift. I doubted its Source. As Jesus says,
Doubt not the gift and it is impossible to doubt its result. This is the certainty that gives God’s teachers the power to be miracle workers, for they have put their trust in Him.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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