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Study of Text, Chapter 13: V. The Two Emotions, P 5. 8-9-16

V. The Two Emotions, P 5

5 You have but two emotions, yet in your private world you react to each of them as though it were the other. For love cannot abide in a world apart, where when it comes it is not recognized. If you see your own hatred as your brother, you are not seeing him. Everyone draws nigh unto what he loves, and recoils from what he fears. And you react with fear to love, and draw away from it. Yet fear attracts you, and believing it is love, you call it to yourself. Your private world is filled with figures of fear you have invited into it, and all the love your brothers offer you, you do not see.

Journal
As I was reading this I was trying to picture those in my life who represent my hate and fear. Then I tried to imagine them without my projections. Here is what happened at first. I thought of some people I work with and my mind boggled at the thought they could represent love to me. They do not love me, and I do not love them. They seem to attack me, and I know I defend and I return the attack. My lower mind insisted they are not loving at all. I draw nigh them and I don’t see them as love, and I do recoil.

Then Holy Spirit helped me to see the problem and it wasn’t them. We laughed at the idea that they could offer anything but love. How could they? They are love. If I don’t see the love then I must be projecting something onto them that is hiding their true visage. Evidently, the problem is me. But I must be love, too, so where is the projection coming from? It is coming from my ego. I have this hatred and fear in my lower mind, and feeling guilty for it, I am projecting it away from me and onto them.  There I can look at it without owning it, at least not owning it consciously.

This is not working and never has. There is a place in my mind where I know what I am doing, and so I am never fully convinced that I am innocent. My fear and guilt are just pushing me further and further from the truth of my being. The only answer to this sticky mess is to become willing to withdraw my projections, and bringing them back to myself, to allow them to be undone. It is amazing how hard I make this simple task. The ego mind shrieks at the idea of doing this. It is comfortable in its old habits and maintains that the guilt belongs where I put it.

I’m looking though, in spite of the ego’s objections. I look at my boss and see him making what appears to be a big mistake with a customer. I feel disgusted with him thinking he should know better and will regret this, though not as much as me when I lose that customer. I feel resentment and fear and hate. He is my problem and I feel helpless because I cannot do anything to defend myself from his ineptitude.

I ask the Holy Spirit for another way to see this. I see that all my thoughts about this stem from the ego’s interpretation of the situation. I see that I am perfectly protected. He is not my source. He is not responsible for my fear. He is not his ego or his story. I still see him making a strategic mistake, but that is his script and his problem. It is my problem only if I continue to ask the ego for advice. I cannot blame him for my situation because my situation is my script.

How fortunate that I know this and that I can ask for another way to see. Then I can act from that clarity. I can trust and be at peace. We are sharing this part of our stories because they compliment each other. I am learning something in our shared classroom and he is as well. That is why we are doing this dance; it is helping us to awaken. Ha! I am feeling gratitude for the situation and for him. I am beginning to see him as the love that he is rather than as my enemy, and the only thing that changed was me.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: II.The Two Emotions, P 4. 8-11-16

V. The Two Emotions, P 4

4 The delusional can be very destructive, for they do not recognize they have condemned themselves. They do not wish to die, yet they will not let condemnation go. And so they separate into their private worlds, where everything is disordered, and where what is within appears to be without. Yet what is within they do not see, for the reality of their brothers they cannot recognize.

Journal

This sentence stands out to me: They do not wish to die, yet they will not let condemnation go. We are literally condemning ourselves to death with our grievances. I seem to live a life of confusion and condemnation and then I seem to die. All of this I do to myself because I will not let the condemnation go. I separate from all else and live in my private world where I imagine all is outside me. I imagine I am not responsible for anything because I have projected it outward and see it as belonging to others.

This disordered and deeply disturbing world seems to be caused by unkind and cruel people, the fault of greedy capitalists, corruptible politicians, drug lords, and the list goes on. I think that my boss is my problem, a co-worker, a competitor. I think that if only this person would love me better or that person were not in my life I could be happy. And all along, there is nothing outside me. There is only my mind that I alone rule. But in my confusion, I lash out, and I fight the shadow figures and bring more destruction into my private world.

Worst of all, I think, is that each of these “enemies” I have created in my imagination could be seen differently. If I forgive what I have done, they will be seen as holy and brilliant, so beautiful and perfect that I will want to fall to my knees before them. If I could let go of the destructive thinking and let my mind be healed of its fearful defenses, if I could do this, I would stop attacking the Son of God and I would remember what they are and what I am.

I look at my son and believe in his sickness and this is an attack on his holiness. In truth, I cannot affect his holiness, but in the attack of it, I obliterate it from my mind. I believe the insane picture of a sick child of God, and my heart breaks and I move deeper into the lower mind and further from the memory of God. I also do this with people I hardly know, with co-workers and friends.

I condemn myself to misery and suffering with the most casual thoughts. I treat my thoughts as if they had no power, all along I am making an insane world and pretending it just happened to me and I have no way out. Then a ray of light enters my mind and I see clearly for a bit. I recognize that I have but done this to myself and I turn to that light for more clarity.

That person at work that I thought of as my bitter enemy is suddenly seen as a reflection of my thoughts about myself. It is so clear that I am amazed I could have been so blind before. Just the day before I had trouble being in the same room with her. She seemed so sly and manipulative, so bossy and like my mortal enemy. Now from this more enlightened place in my mind, I look at the same face and I don’t see any of that.

Could it be that I was seeing only what was in my mind, only what I believed about myself, and now that this is healed, I am glimpsing the real person I had veiled with that projection? Or maybe I am still looking at myself, but it is a higher version of myself. Anyway it happened I am grateful to have let go of some of the death and destruction thoughts in my mind. Today I am not so separated and alone in the private world of my imagination as I was yesterday.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: V. The Two Emotions, P 3. 8-9-16

V. The Two Emotions, P 3

3 It is through these strange and shadowy figures that the insane relate to their insane world. For they see only those who remind them of these images, and it is to them that they relate. Thus do they communicate with those who are not there, and it is they who answer them. And no one hears their answer save him who called upon them, and he alone believes they answered him. Projection makes perception, and you cannot see beyond it. Again and again have you attacked your brother, because you saw in him a shadow figure in your private world. And thus it is you must attack yourself first, for what you attack is not in others. Its only reality is in your own mind, and by attacking others you are literally attacking what is not there.

Journal
In the first paragraph we saw clearly that we don’t really know anyone, only our thoughts about that one, a projection of what we believe. Jesus is now calling this a shadow figure. I think I know my daughter, my friend, my enemy, but I know only the shadow figure that I see as the thoughts and beliefs in my mind. In other words, I know only myself projected onto the world, so the daughter I know is a projection from my mind, as are all the other people who populate my story.

As much as I love my daughter, I still attack her. I think that she is difficult to talk to, easily offended, defensive of her beliefs, and those thoughts are an attack. But whom am I attacking, really? That daughter I see is a shadow figure created in my mind, and so if I attack it, I am really attacking my self. I think about Donna, and I see that my attacks are more overt. I see her as arrogant and pushy, and that is an attack. But who is arrogant and pushy, this shadow figure from my mind? These thoughts are an attack on myself because the Donna I know is in my mind only.

As I write this about Donna, I realize that I have forgiven that shadow figure and have let it go. I felt sad writing those things I used to utterly believe. I see the face that used to irritate me and now I see something else. I see a face that expresses fear of not being enough and the driving need to prove itself worthy. I feel compassion and I feel bad that I didn’t see that before. And is this the real Donna I see now? No. It is just another shadow figure that I have projected from the mind that I call my own. Donna represents my belief that I am arrogant and push and that it is just a cover for my fear that I am not enough. No wonder I don’t like her. She is an unconscious but constant reminder of what I don’t want to see in myself.

It’s funny that as I accept that everyone I know is a projection from my mind I can see those traits in myself. I couldn’t see them before. The reason we project onto others is that we don’t want to accept responsibility for the things we find in ourselves. So we throw them out and see them as belonging to someone else. But pretending they don’t belong to us doesn’t get rid of them, and so we just continue to attack others and hurt ourselves. Recognizing what is really going on allows us to withdraw our projections, and bringing them back to ourselves we can now ask for healing and truly be done with those errors in our mind.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: V. The Two Emotions, P 2. 8-8-16

V. The Two Emotions, P 2

2 Each one peoples his world with figures from his individual past, and it is because of this that private worlds do differ. Yet the figures that he sees were never real, for they are made up only of his reactions to his brothers, and do not include their reactions to him. Therefore, he does not see he made them, and that they are not whole. For these figures have no witnesses, being perceived in one separate mind only.

Journal
In order for me to understand the significance of this paragraph, I had to say it in first person. Maybe that would be helpful to others as well. So I said to myself: “Each of us people our world with figures from our individual past, and it is because of this that private worlds do differ.” I see that I do seem to have a private world different from other people’s world.

Sure we have some common features, but we have many different features and even those we have in common are experienced differently. Even my close family members have a different world, a private world different than mine. I listen to my siblings talk about their childhood sometimes and it is so different than what I remember that I barely recognize it. I want to say, “Wait, that’s not what happened!” But of course they would say the same to me.

“Yet the figures that he sees were never real, for they are made up only of his reactions to his brothers, and do not include their reactions to him.” So even the figures that seem real to me are not so. This is because they are one-dimensional. I see only what I think of them, my reactions to them. I don’t include their reactions to me.

My mind wants to argue with this. Many times I watch very closely for the other person’s reaction to me. In fact I seem to care more about their reaction to me than I do about them. But I am not really seeing their reaction to me. I am seeing my interpretation of their actions and words. So I do see that they are not who they are in my vision of them. They are only who I think they are.

And thus everything I think about them is a reflection of my self. Do I never really look at anyone? Or do I just look at myself as I imagine I appear in their eyes? I have a picture in my mind of who my younger daughter is, and I know my picture does not match hers. I know this because of conversations we have had. I also have had conversations with my older daughter about the younger one, and her picture does not match mine, or her sisters. Her brothers also have a different idea of who she is.

If you were trying to discover who this woman is, and you asked her family member and her friends, perhaps her fiancé, except from some few facts of her existence, you would get very different stories. You might think she is a compilation, that each person adds to your picture of her, but really, you would get a compilation of the people you talk to, because each one is giving you a reflection of their own mind.

In other words, I don’t know who my daughter is, I only know my thoughts about her and my thoughts are always going to be about how she fits into my personal world. I have no whole picture of anyone because I see each of them with my one separate mind.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: V. The Two Emotions, P 1. 8-4-16

V. The Two Emotions
1 I have said you have but two emotions, love and fear. One is changeless but continually exchanged, being offered by the eternal to the eternal. In this exchange it is extended, for it increases as it is given. The other has many forms, for the content of individual illusions differs greatly. Yet they have one thing in common; they are all insane. They are made of sights that are not seen, and sounds that are not heard. They make up a private world that cannot be shared. For they are meaningful only to their maker, and so they have no meaning at all. In this world their maker moves alone, for only he perceives them.

Journal
I use my eyes to show me the world I want to see. It is my world, complete in everything I want, and everything I don’t want is omitted. I look upon it and see that it is mine alone. How I see my child is a vision I share with no one, least of all that child. I don’t know who that one is and if I were to write all about her and put the writing out for her to see, she would probably think that the person I wrote about had some of the same experiences she did. But I am certain that she would not recognize it as herself, and would be astounded to learn I think of her in that way. She has her own world in which she images herself in the way she wants to see herself.

You would think we would all make up images that are amazing and perfect, but we don’t value ourselves enough to do that. No, we project out shame and guilt and fear onto the image and claim that instead. We made it, however, and we claim it and so we take pride in it and clutch it to us as if it was actually valuable. Have you ever heard two people arguing over who was the worst person, dragging the past forward to prove their claim? Maybe even heard yourself doing something like this? I was sicker, my surgery lasted longer, my workplace the worst, my finances in greater disarray, my children the least grateful, all proof that I love my dysfunction and claim it proudly.

Never mind it is painful. Pain becomes pleasure in our confused minds, and we keep adding to our litany of suffering because we have taught ourselves there is some value in it. We cannot live if we have nothing to live for, so our mind finds areas in which it will excel and it grasps at these bits of pleasure and holds them up to prove its worth. Defending this self-image, both the seemingly good and the bad become a bloody battle that only adds to a personal, private world. And the competition, the blame, the attack and defend mode grow and take over our lives. We get so accustomed to feeling like this that we think it is normal and we don’t even question it.

When we begin to feel the draw of Heaven, we begin to question what has always seemed normal and expected. We are given the help and the guidance we are needed to find our way out of the quagmire of thoughtless thoughts that drag us deeper into the illusion of life. We find A Course in Miracles or some other nondual path to help us with this. We begin to vibrate at a different level and so we are more attuned to the Higher Realm and hear our guidance more clearly. This leads us inevitably to a realization of oneness and away from the desire to be separate. Our little personal kingdoms lose their glamour as we see them for what they are, pits of suffering, pain and death.

What becomes crystal clear is that the lower mind, the ego, is interested in fear and the higher mind knows only love. It also becomes clear that God is Love and God is One and so to return our mind to that blissful existence we must know ourselves as part of that Oneness and then we will know only love. In love there is no fear and thus no suffering and no death. There is only happiness, joy, freedom and other aspects of love, but to want that we must let go of what we used to value. I cannot be in Love’s presence if I am still attacking His Son; not one of my brothers and not myself.

I cannot bring my fancy house and big car and pile of money as proof of worthiness, as proof that I won; I cannot bring this into the Kingdom. I cannot bring my sorrows and my victimhood and suffering as proof that I am indeed the lowest of them all and stand cringing before God hoping I have already suffered enough, hoping He will see my suffering is greater than the others and turn to them instead. I must let it all go, all value in anything except love and oneness, and come empty handed to Love. I must come with my brothers neither behind nor before me, but beside me.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13:IV. The Function of Time, P 9. 8-3-16

IV. The Function of Time P 9

9 You, too, will interpret the function of time as you interpret yours. If you accept your function in the world of time as one of healing, you will emphasize only the aspect of time in which healing can occur. Healing cannot be accomplished in the past. It must be accomplished in the present to release the future. This interpretation ties the future to the present, and extends the present rather than the past. But if you interpret your function as destruction, you will lose sight of the present and hold on to the past to ensure a destructive future. And time will be as you interpret it, for of itself it is nothing.

Journal
I have been working diligently at letting go of the idea that I must defend myself. As I look at what happens when I feel vulnerable and go on the attack, I see that I am teaching myself I am weak and that attack is my salvation. So I want to stop doing this. I also want to stop because in attacking I have made separate, and this is like walking in circles when I want to walk forward in a straight line.

My workplace has been an excellent classroom for that, and particularly one person. Monday I gave into the impulse to defend. It was very hard to back myself out of my anger. My mind said that my salvation was to justify the attack and this was making me feel worse. I finally reached a point of surrender and I accepted healing. I had hoped that it was fully healed, not to return.

Then yesterday I was talking to someone that had been my “venting buddy” someone I went to when I wanted to belly ache about what was bothering me. Automatically I started telling him what happened with this co-worker and what I said and even as I was doing it, I could hear my sane self trying to get my attention.

But it was kind of like a train wreck you can’t stop. You just look at it happening. It was weird. I am talking and at the same time thinking that I should stop talking. Then I felt bad about this. I was making the problem real in my mind again and at the same time, I was teaching dissention and judgment. I was not being a teacher for God in that moment.

The point I want to make is this. The day I attacked, and the day I vented were just ego moments occurring in the illusion of separation. I attacked. I vented. I then had a choice of what I wanted to do with this. I could undo these ideas in my mind through recognizing that I don’t like how I feel and asking for another way to see them. Or I could think about how bad I feel and worry that I never seem to get rid of the desire to defend. I could feel guilty and hopeless and helpless against my own inclination toward blame and anger.

The first choice, to simply use the story to undo the story, is the quick way to salvation. The other choice to wallow in the error is what Jesus is talking about here in this paragraph. When I do this, I am carrying the past right through the present to the future. I am keeping time in place and keeping the ego in place. As I did this, I was using time to ensure ego continuity.

The Holy Spirit uses time to heal and thus undo the need for time. This is done in the present moment, but my mind went straight from the past to the future leaving no present moment in which healing could occur. It was attack in the past, remembered and regretted and fretted over, and the battle continues as I dread having to face this in the future. I felt a powerful pull toward this option and even this morning, I feel sad about yesterday. But I am also a little saner today. Last night I asked for help. I told Holy Spirit I really want to stop doing this.

So this morning I am using the Rules for Decision to help me change my mind about this. I chose the ego this week, but that was in the past and the past doesn’t exist. I was thinking of those big street cleaners that in the early morning hours sweep away the detritus from the day before and leave everything clean. I have this big machine following me around sweeping away the past actions. Nothing follows me, nothing is left behind. A moment after it occurs it is gone.

This moment is the only moment that exists and this moment is the only one in which I can forgive. It is the only moment that I am healed. I accept healing and allow my mind to be filled with the thoughts of God and I know that I am invulnerable and have nothing in this world worth defending. I know that everyone is dreaming and, as my friend pointed out yesterday, I will be respectful of their lessons. And so I enter the next moment with a new mind, and nothing else is there. It has been swept away.

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Study of Text, Chapter 13: IV. The Function of Time, P 8. 8-1-16

IV. The Function of Time, P 8

8 The ego, on the other hand, regards the function of time as one of extending itself in place of eternity, for like the Holy Spirit, the ego interprets the goal of time as its own. The continuity of past and future, under its direction, is the only purpose the ego perceives in time, and it closes over the present so that no gap in its own continuity can occur. Its continuity, then, would keep you in time, while the Holy Spirit would release you from it. It is His interpretation of the means of salvation that you must learn to accept, if you would share His goal of salvation for you.

Journal
I must accept the Holy Spirit’s interpretation of the use for time if I want salvation. Here is what I envision salvation to be. I will live this illusion in fearlessness, in love, and in peace. I will live in the present moment only and will be free of the tyranny of the ego. I will use that part of the mind rather than it using me. Then, when it is time, I will leave the illusion altogether and permanently. I will no longer be subject to death and rebirth only to die again. I will be in God and part of God and will not imagine it could be any other way.

So how do I get to that freedom? How does salvation become my goal? Jesus gives us various processes we can use to undo the belief that the ego mind is me and is my only option. What they seem to lead me to is this: I am His Son and He loves me. I am dreaming of something else and I can dream a happy dream and I can stop dreaming altogether. I dream of suffering and death when I believe the ego interpretation of circumstances. I dream a happy dream when I believe the Holy Spirit’s interpretation of circumstances.

Two simple things that help me to make this mental leap are surrender and the uncompromising choice for peace. The more completely I surrender the self, the body, the desire to control, the easier it is to do the rest. Time is no different. I surrender time to the Holy Spirit to use as He wishes and I win. I ask ego how to use time, and I lose.

The peace of God is everything I want. These were just words at first, but then they became my salvation. I still choose to ignore this desire for peace at times, but I always return to it, because it is true. I want the peace of God and I want nothing else. I start to think that I want more money or more time to myself, or I want my children not to suffer.

I start to think I could be happy if I had different circumstances in my life. I start to think that I know what is best for those I love and that I can only be happy if these things happen. Then I remember that the peace of God is everything I want. My mind narrows to this one idea and I let the rest go. I want the peace of God. I remember that all those other things I thought I needed to have were supposed to bring me peace.

First of all, I am not very good at deciding what brings peace, and secondly, even if I were right, I cannot make most of these things happen. So if I must depend on my own poor ability to control, and if I must depend on the ego to guide me, I will not find lasting and perfect peace. If, however, I surrender the desire for peace to God, I will receive peace. Easy choice, easy solution, whatever the ego argues to the contrary.

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