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Study of Manual for Teachers 3-16-12

Day 76
4 God’s teachers can have no regret on giving up the pleasures of the world. Is it a sacrifice to give up pain? Does an adult resent the giving up of children’s toys? Does one whose vision has already glimpsed the face of Christ look back with longing on a slaughter house? No one who has escaped the world and all its ills looks back on it with condemnation. Yet he must rejoice that he is free of all the sacrifice its values would demand of him. To them he sacrifices all his peace. To them he sacrifices all his freedom. And to possess them must he sacrifice his hope of Heaven and remembrance of his Father’s Love. Who in his sane mind chooses nothing as a substitute for everything?

Jesus assures us that we will not regret giving up the world of our dreams. He says that no one who has escaped this world will miss it, nor will they condemn it. That is an interesting statement. I can’t speak from personal experience about what it is like to no longer be confused. I have read books by those who have become self-realized, and they seem to find more joy and beauty in the world now that they no longer see it the way I do.

Byron Katie (in A Thousand Names for Joy) speaks of washing dishes as if it is a sublime pleasure. It makes me long for that experience. I even tried it. I tried to open to an experience of being one with the dish, the soap, the water… but evidently you can’t fake it.  It just felt like washing dishes to me. But then I have all sorts of stories attached to dishwashing and none of them are particularly joyful. As Katie often asks, I wonder what it would be like to be me without my stories.

Jan Frazier (in When Fear Falls Away: A Sudden Awakening) talks about what it is like to be suddenly awakened and she too has experienced this world in a much different way since fear fell away for her. She doesn’t hold any grudges against the world that used to be such a source of fear and suffering for her.  Seeing the world without her stories projected onto it seems to be a real joy for her. She says: There is a presence within you that has never suffered. It lives in joy that has no cause. It is who you most deeply are.

It doesn’t sound like either of these women miss the world they no longer see one bit. They don’t sound like they regret their awakening either.

I find their books helpful in many ways, especially A Thousand Names for Joy, which I listen to in its audio version often. I cannot make their experience mine by reading about them, but it has helped me accept that I am not being asked to sacrifice anything to experience spiritual liberation.

I know that Jesus has been saying this all along in the Course (that God does not want my sacrifice) but somehow I have had a hard time shaking lose of this idea. I don’t understand this stubborn belief in myself. I could swear that I don’t believe that awakening requires any sacrifice on my part, and that I want it more than anything. And yet, if that were true, I would be writing my own book about the experience of living awake, instead of writing about the process of letting go.

Holy Spirit, I have said to you that I am tired of suffering and that I am ready to fully surrender to You. You have since helped me to see the beliefs I still cling to and I am grateful. This has been harder than it needs to be, and I am sure it is because I am having trouble going with the flow. I seem to be trying to swim against the current as I try to escape from the feelings associated with these beliefs. Please help me to let go of my resistance and just let it be. I am willing to go wherever you would have me go, but I don’t want to prolong the trip anymore than necessary.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 3-15-12

Day 75
3 Once this confusion has occurred, it becomes impossible for the mind to understand that all the “pleasures” of the world are nothing. But what a sacrifice,-and it is sacrifice indeed!-all this entails. Now has the mind condemned itself to seek without finding; to be forever dissatisfied and discontented; to know not what it really wants to find. Who can escape this self-condemnation? Only through God’s Word could this be possible. For self-condemnation is a decision about identity, and no one doubts what he believes he is. He can doubt all things, but never this.

An example of a “pleasure” that I have valued and allowed to define me is the special relationship. The only enduring special relationship I have ever had is with my children. Even though I had considered myself a failure in many ways as a mom, my children persist in loving me and thinking well of me; I think even liking me. And yet, I have never felt secure in these relationships and since I value them above all else, I have gone to great lengths to keep them in place.

As I look at these relationships with the Holy Spirit I see that I have used bribery, sacrifice, martyrdom, guilt and fear to bind my children to them. I remember when my youngest child graduated from college and moved away, I felt bereft, adrift and anxious. When a very short time later he needed my financial assistance I remember the flood of relief that came over me. That was my first clue that something was seriously sick in this relationship. But it would be a long time before I was able to look at my thoughts without judgment and allow the Holy Spirit to help me see what was going on.

Because I believed that I could not be happy without the special relationships in my life, I condemned myself to misery. Special relationships are inherently guilt driven and destined to fail. What will not fail is the certainty that if I continue to hold onto the specialness in a relationship I will never experience real love, and if I don’t know Love, I will not know my Self. I fully understand the fear of letting go of special love because it seems to be all that I have ever known and yet, holding onto the specialness is what prevents me from knowing Love.

I have grasped these relationships so tightly and for so long that it has taken me a very long time to let them go. I am still letting go, but now it is easier because I see that the specialness I thought was precious was actually painful. It defined me in ways that diminished me, and in my desperation to hold onto it, I tried to teach those I loved that they were needy too. Specialness defines me as separate from others, and holds that belief in place. I believed in this definition of myself until I began to accept the Word of God through His Voice. I am letting go of my definition of my self and accepting His definition instead.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 3-14-12

Day 74
2 It takes great learning both to realize and to accept the fact that the world has nothing to give. What can the sacrifice of nothing mean? It cannot mean that you have less because of it. There is no sacrifice in the world’s terms that does not involve the body. Think a while about what the world calls sacrifice. Power, fame, money, physical pleasure; who is the “hero” to whom all these things belong? Could they mean anything except to a body? Yet a body cannot evaluate. By seeking after such things the mind associates itself with the body, obscuring its Identity and losing sight of what it really is.

In this paragraph Jesus points out that it is only the body that receives the “gifts” of the world. In the story from the point of view of Myron, she is our hero. Over the course of her life so far she has accumulated very little, really, but she is very protective of her little kingdom. She has special relationships with her children, which she jealously guards and is ever on alert in case something should disturb the delicate balance that holds them bound to her.

She has a good job that pays well which requires diligent effort to maintain lest the enemy steal her customers or the company realize she is not indispensable to them. Hardly an hour goes by that she does not have a plan in action to protect that bit of her kingdom.

She has a relatively healthy body to carry her through the rest of her life but it is proving to be something of a disappointment as it is giving into the pull of gravity and is showing signs of aging. It is useful still, but every look in the mirror is a reminder of its fragility and its ultimate demise.

Who is it that makes these evaluations? It cannot be the body itself, so it must be the mind and as Jesus points out, this is the real problem. By placing value in the destructible, the weak and the vulnerable, our hero has identified herself with these qualities, and therefore has forgotten who she is.

The more absorbed she becomes in maintaining her fragile kingdom the more obscure her reality becomes to her and the greater the feeling of sacrifice at the thought of its loss. She is the bag lady, living in a box under the bridge, afraid to go asleep because something might happen to her she own treasures if she fails to guard them closely, never realizing that it is all worthless anyway.

Myron, you’re confused, honey. You’ve placed such great value in all the wrong things. Wake up, sweet lady! Wake up and let go of this worthless and distracting illusion. You cannot imagine the joy and the peace that await you. You can walk away from your false kingdom, and all you need do is lose interest in it. You will lose nothing of any value and will walk into your Self.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 3-13-12

Day 73
13. WHAT IS THE REAL MEANING OF SACRIFICE?

1 Although in truth the term sacrifice is altogether meaningless, it does have meaning in the world. Like all things in the world, its meaning is temporary and will ultimately fade into the nothingness from which it came when there is no more use for it. Now its real meaning is a lesson. Like all lessons it is an illusion, for in reality there is nothing to learn. Yet this illusion must be replaced by a corrective device; another illusion that replaces the first, so both can finally disappear. The first illusion, which must be displaced before another thought system can take hold, is that it is a sacrifice to give up the things of this world. What could this be but an illusion, since this world itself is nothing more than that?

I am accustomed now to the idea that Jesus replaces an unhelpful illusion with an illusion that is closer to truth because it helps me to make the leap. He has explained that to me when he talked about the difference between perception and true perception. Both are perception and therefore not truth, but true perception is as close as I will get while I still believe I am what I am not. Now he is going to use its real meaning as a lesson, and then explains that a lesson can’t be truth because in reality there is nothing to learn.

I appreciate that Jesus takes every opportunity to remind me that I am before and beyond what I mistakenly believe about myself. These explanations help me to remember that these corrective devices, while not ultimate truth, are useful to bring me forward enough that I can finally breach the divide I have created in my mind. This final step, Jesus tells us, is taken by God, who then lifts us up.

I visualize Jesus bringing me up, step by step, to an altar where I stand without fear or doubt before my God, and all that seemed to be dissolves before the Light and I gladly disappear into that Light and finally know my Self as All that I Am. This is my story of the return to God. It is just a story, but the mind seems to want a story so I give it one. In the moment of Truth, my story will disappear with all the useful and useless stories alike.

To understand that sacrifice is not asked of me, I must first give up the false idea that the world offers me anything I want. If I think I want its meager offerings, I will think of its loss as a sacrifice, and will be unwilling to accept another thought system. I wish I could say that I saw the sense in this since after all, the world is an illusion and so how valuable could it be, but, alas, I have stubbornly clung to the good and bad with equal tenacity.

The Holy Spirit understands this and so has gently led me through a step-by-step process. Its like He picks up something in the world and says do you want this? Would you like to know what it symbolizes for you? Do you think it is more precious than Life, than Love, than pure unending, blissful joy? If I decide that I would rather have that illusion than to have the memory of my Divinity, then He simply waits patiently for me to change my mind.

I would like to say that good sense brings me back to Him for another look, but its usually pain that prompts this reappraisal. The illusion that has been hardest for me to see as useless is special relationships, especially the ones with my children. I had a death grip on that illusion, and I have had to experience that pain many time to become willing to even acknowledge that there might be something else. 

The Holy Spirit has spent all of this lifetime helping me to see that pain is not love. Once I was willing to accept that what I thought of as love was an illusion I became more willing to let it go, trusting that there was something to take its place. Have you ever seen a baby’s confusion when his hands each hold a toy and you offer him another? He wants the new toy, but his hands are full, and he doesn’t want to let go of what he has. Eventually, he puts one down so that he can accept another. That is me with my special relationships.

The Holy Spirit hold out Love, and my hands are full of my substitute for love and I have been afraid to let go of what I have for the hope of something else. What I have is not making me happy, but I do have it. I am finally learning to loosen my grip and tentatively lay aside what I have clung to for so long, but I don’t set it too far away, because I am still uncertain. I still believe that maybe it will be a sacrifice to give up this illusion. The Holy Spirit is infinite Patience. He knows that I will finally see that it is no sacrifice to give up illusions, and so He waits for me.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Manual for Teachers 3-12-12

Day 72
6 Oneness and sickness cannot coexist. God’s teachers choose to look on dreams a while. It is a conscious choice. For they have learned that all choices are made consciously, with full awareness of their consequences. The dream says otherwise, but who would put his faith in dreams once they are recognized for what they are? Awareness of dreaming is the real function of God’s teachers. They watch the dream figures come and go, shift and change, suffer and die. Yet they are not deceived by what they see. They recognize that to behold a dream figure as sick and separate is no more real than to regard it as healthy and beautiful. Unity alone is not a thing of dreams. And it is this God’s teachers acknowledge as behind the dream, beyond all seeming and yet surely theirs.

There are three things in this paragraph that stand out to me. First that I am fully aware of the choices I make and their consequences. Second that my function is to be aware that I am dreaming. And third that only Oneness heals.

The one that really surprised me is that all choices are made consciously and with full awareness of the consequences. I have accepted that on some level I knew and understood what I was doing as I made choices, but I’m getting a different picture of this now. It seems that I am fully aware when I decide on a thing, and then I am hiding my culpability from myself. It makes even more sense now, to realize that I must take 100% responsibility for everything.

My function is to be the observer of the dream, to be aware it is a dream. I have been practicing this for awhile now and I can do it some, then I slip back into being fully involved in the dream. It seemed that this just happened, and yet, in light of what Jesus is telling me, I deliberately choose to give my full attention to the dream character, and to forget I am actually the dreamer.

When I go to sleep at night I have all kinds of crazy dreams that I seem to have no control over. And yet, I have had a number of instances in which my dreaming became lucid. I made a deliberate choice to change a dream right in the middle of it. I have also had times when I would be in a dream and then said, “This is a dream.”

I think this new “ability” to have some control of my dreams at night is a reflection of my willingness to accept responsibility for my dream state during the day, and this section of the Teacher’s Manual is encouraging me to accept full responsibility.

Those times when I am simply watching the show without involvement in the drama are pretty rare right now, but there are many times that I remind myself that this is what’s happening and take a deliberate step back. This is how I practice so that I will be willing to more often be the observer. Its kind of like putting my toe in the water to test the temperature, and then occasionally I decide to dive right in, only to surface again and climb back out.

I must be insane to want to lose myself in the story like this. It so often goes from mildly interesting to very upsetting, and eventually to nightmarish. It might be an interesting story to observe but its often painful to experience, and sometimes unbearably so. And yet, I have made a deliberate choice to be the character rather than to watch the character, and I make that choice again and again in every moment.

Something that has been happening for me is that a lot of old guilt stories have been coming up for my healing. They arise as painful memories into my awareness. Its very unpleasant and I want to push against them, and yet, I know that I asked for this. The confusion is extending the process longer than necessary and making it more painful than it needs to be.

I asked Holy Spirit for help, and He whispered into my heart that I should surrender to the process. I don’t know how to do that, but I am willing. Can I watch Myron suffer all the while knowing that it is an illusion of suffering by an illusory figure in the dream? Would it hurt less? Would it be done sooner? Is doing this from the point of view of the character keeping me in this purgatory of memory without the relief of healing?

When I think of surrender I equate it with a willingness to suffer more and so I push against it again, and yet I know that these errors must come up in order to be healed and this is actually my decision. Its like encouraging a splinter try to rise to the surface of my finger so it can be extracted. I want to stop squeezing because it hurts, and yet leaving it in is painful too.

What I really want is to see this from the viewpoint of the observer. This is my function. It is the way I remember that it is all illusion and that I am One with All That Is. Then I see there never was a splinter or a finger or pain and suffering. Oneness and sickness cannot coexist. 

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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