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Losing Weight

I was thinking about a discussion with a friend about losing weight. This has been a long time challenge for me. It is really one of those issues that I have wrapped up so tightly with ego thoughts that I have only been able to work my way out of it a little at a time. First I had to understand that food is not the cause of weight gain though it is the vehicle I use in the illusion to create the illusion of a heavy body. That seems pretty simple and obvious but it took me years to get there. I truly didn’t want to know I was responsible for this. I wanted it to be my mother’s fault, the result of a fat gene, or any of dozens of other excuses. I was even willing to, finally, be responsible if responsibility looked like guilt, but I just didn’t want to know that if I was overweight then I wanted to be overweight.

But of course, that is where I finally had to go, because that is where I can accept correction and begin to heal. What I understand now is that being overweight or underweight or any shape and size of body projection is not a problem. It needs no solution. Being a certain size and thinking I should be a different size, and believing I would be happy if my size changed is the problem that needs a solution. This belief that I am somehow victim to my body is the problem that needs a solution. It goes without saying that the solution is not a diet or exercise program or any application of self will. These solutions keep the solution separate from the problem.

This is not to say that I should not exercise or eat a certain way. It is to say that any solution that comes from ego is an attempt by ego to maintain control, that is to be god. What I am doing right now, and this is to the best of my present understanding, is to be honest. When I say I want to lose weight and then have an éclair I have just lied to myself. Obviously, using the rules I set for myself if I eat an éclair I have no intention of losing weight. Can I change the rules I set for myself? Maybe, but first I think I need to work on honesty. I need to stop using the present rules to create victimhood and failure. So when I eat the éclair I notice what I have done and how it makes me feel. I hand-off the guilty thoughts and the fear thoughts to the Holy Spirit and consider my job done. Oh, here is a self judgment thought. I hand that one over, too.

I look in the mirror and see too much of me. I notice those thoughts I am thinking without God and hand them off to the Holy Spirit. I can’t fit into my favorite jeans and feel self-loathing; I hand that feeling off to the Holy Spirit. I am faced with a buffet of delicious food and notice I am not asking Holy Spirit to help me choose what the body could most use. I notice guilt and hand that off to the Holy Spirit. I watch closely for self judgment all the time and hand it off when I see it.

Will all of this help me lose weight? I don’t know, but it is my job, my purpose for being here. It will bring me peace and happiness. We’ll see about the weight. I don’t think it would even matter. Why do I want to lose weight? My reason for being thinner is so that I will feel accepted, loved, and admired because I think that will make me happy. Maybe I will just hand off those goals and allow the Holy Spirit to purify them and then I can skip the whole diet thing and go straight to being happy.

 

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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It’s Perfect

When I noticed that I was feeling guilty for feeling guilty I knew that the ego had lured me into one of its crazy cycles with no exit.  And when I notice that my thoughts are indicative of a false belief I am holding in my mind and I feel guilty or helpless in its grip, I know that , once again, I’ve stepped into the ego’s endless loop of guilt.

For the last couple of days I had been feeling sad, and mildly anxious. At first I wasn’t sure what story had hooked me, but when I examined my thoughts I realized it was the story of my daughter changing our special relationship. She has a boyfriend now and they have hit it off in a big way. This relationship could lead to her moving to be with him. I live on the same piece of property she does so the ego interprets this as meaning she is leaving me for him.

When I realized what was going on with me and really looked at this, it was pretty embarrassing to me. I’m sixty years old. I have lived alone for ten years and like my life. She is thirty-eight years old and has been independent for a long time. I feel ridiculous about the whole thing. Of course, if I hold the belief of loss and special relationships in my mind then I will feel these things when one of those special relationships changes. That’s just how it is.

I was also feeling guilty because my feelings imply I would have her stay alone and single so that she would remain near me. This is doubly ridiculous because even though she does live just a few steps away from me we don’t see each other very often, maybe only a couple of times a week and some weeks it is only in passing. I like that she is there, though, and I can now see my grandkids when I want to, so that relationship will change, too.

I asked the Holy Spirit to look with me as I examined my thoughts and my emotional reaction to them. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. The thought that came clearly into my mind is, “this is perfect.” At first I didn’t understand and so I sat with it awhile. Suddenly I got it. I have asked the Holy Spirit to transform my special relationships so that they will be holy relationships. How else could this happen except to see the specialness in them and to choose to have this healed. That is all that is happening here. It is my request being fulfilled. It’s perfect.

I also asked the Holy Spirit to show me everything in my mind that needs to be healed so that I can awaken. This is being done as well, as I have asked. I see the belief in lack and loss as I look at this. I see the belief that I could truly be separate from all others and be alone. This is absolutely what I asked for and absolutely perfect. It only appeared to be painful because I asked the ego what it meant. Of course, he showed me guilt because that is what he knows.

Here is the way the Holy Spirit helped me to see this more clearly. I saw myself working on an assembly line.  My job was to examine each part that came out and when I saw one that didn’t look right I was to take it off the line. It wasn’t my fault a piece was not as it should be, but it was my responsibility to spot it. I wouldn’t feel guilty because it was malformed, I would just remove it.

It’s the same way with my thoughts. I don’t create thoughts; they simply arise into my awareness. Most of them simply pass through my mind and I let them go on. They hold no emotional charge for me. They don’t hook me.  Some of them do get my attention and I react to them. These are the ones I believe. But none of them are my creation. I have no more reason to feel guilty they are passing through than I would have reason to feel guilty about a damaged part passing by on that imaginary assembly line. But just as on the assembly line it is my responsibility to spot it.

After seeing my special relationship problem in this new light I was able to use it for healing rather than to feel victim to the circumstances. Yesterday when I visited Sheryl’s house Barry was there. What I noticed is that I felt like crying and so I let the tears come. The reaction came and went. I invited them to eat supper with me, and cooked shrimp stew for them. This morning I notice that I am not reacting to the situation. Perhaps I am through with it. I remain open in case there is more to heal. It’s perfect.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Thoughts on Relationships

I have been thinking about the ways in which I try to fill that gaping hole that resides as ego in my mind. When I was young I tried alcohol and drugs but don’t have a taste for them. Shopping was a popular choice for a long time even though it never really did the job for more than an hour or two and left destruction in its wake in the form of mounting debt and finally bankruptsy. Food has been a lifetime device for gaining brief moments of relief or at least distraction.

The ego solution that has been the hardest for me to release is relationships. Ego is so desolate and loveless that it is desperate for relief and the promise of love is irresistable. Of course ego love comes with its own special sacrifice as do all ego gifts. I want from someone what I think I don’t have and so I steal it from them. I tell myself that it is a trade as I give to them what they want, and yet if I had anything valuable I would not need them, so I carry that secret guilt.

These special people become my love/hate objects and my hope of having my neediness fulfilled -  but it never happens. The most I can hope for are more moments of satisfaction than moments of pain and suffering. How could I expect anything good to come of something that is stolen and guilt laden? Even my children are not free of this unholy bargain, for surely I love them most when they are fulfilling my need to be loved, respected, and needed.

I love the Course. I love that it is helping me to recognize the uselessness of special relationships. Since I am not in a relationship with a man now, I am using the parent/child relationship to do this work. One of the most helpful things about the Course is that it is uncompromising. I look at the special relationship with my child and see that as long as I use my children to fulfill my needs I don’t love them. I don’t even know what it is to love them. That is very hard for me to say, but unless I am truly willing to go there, I will never experience healing and so will never experience love.

Once I accept that neediness is not love, it becomes easier. It is like that understanding is a gentle wind that blows away the fog and I can see clearly what I have been doing. I look in my relationships for need. Do I need my kids to call me? Do I need them to respect my opinion? Do I need them to agree with me? On anything? No matter how obvious it seems that I am right? Or that it is for their own good? Because if I do, then that is NEED, not love. And need is just another way to say use. When I say I need them, I am saying that I use them. It is a very ugly situation when I really look at it and I find myself motivated to take the next and final step as I choose to be healed.

When I first discovered the truth about my “love” relationships, I felt hopeless and confused. I tried to love differently. I tried to set aside my needs. It felt sacrificial and I was conflicted. I wanted my love to be pure but I didn’t want to give up what I knew. Maybe it was unsatisfactory and unstable, but it was familiar and I knew how to do it. Trying to have a holy relationship seemed to be beyond my abilities. It was a very uncomfortable stage of undoing.

What is happening for me right now is that I have stopped trying to have a holy relationship. Now I notice the specialness in my relationships. I look at it full in the face with a willingness to see how lacking in love they are. Then I make my choice. Am I ready to let them go? Would I be willing to trust God that there is something better? If I am truly willing to let go of the specialness, I ask the Holy Spirit to take the specialness from this relationship and leave it holy. Actually, I do that even when I am not fully willing to have it done. I need the practice. (smile)

I have reached the point that I want healing more than I want my specialness. Well, much of the time this is true. And each time I am willing to give my relationship to the Holy Spirit for purification, my trust grows and the next time it is easier to make that happier choice. I am discovering that I don’t really need my children to agree with me, and that I am no longer using them for that purpose. I am perfectly comfortable with all four of them being where they are, knowing they have their own Master within and don’t need my help. I don’t need them to be where I am either.

Yesterday I was thinking about my oldest daughter. She has a boyfriend now for the first time in several years. Suddenly she is unavailable to me and I noticed a twinge of resentment, and a feeling of sadness. That is like the tip of an iceburg. I offered to look deeper and see what was under the tip. I know that sadness is just a quiet temper tantrum so really I am angry. I know that a twinge of resentment is just a veil thrown over rage. So the ego says I am sad because the one I love is no longer sharing her time with me. How wrong she is to be that way, and how mistreated I am. I love her so much and she treats me like this.

Ha ha ha. I can only laugh at this now. How could I have ever bought this ridiculous story? How could I have ever called that love? The truth is I think I have an emptiness in me because I think I am separate from God. I am trying to use this woman to fill that emptiness and she doesn’t seem to want to be used by me. Holy Spirit, please remove this specialness from my relationship with my daughter that I may love her truly with the love of God.

My experience has been that the only way this works is to make no exceptions. If it looks like need, smells like need, tastes like need, then its not love. Period.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Cripple Creek Adventure

Regina drove us up to Cripple Creek for a day of entertainment. Cripple Creek is a small town at the top of a mountain (9500 ft of elevation). We went there to watch a play and be tourists. I knew that if it was at the top of a mountain and if I wanted to go there we would have to drive up there, and I also knew that I am very afraid of heights. Recently I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what I was choosing to hold onto that was blocking my awakening. So here was a chance to look at this fear, and since I know that fear is a block to freedom I decided I needed to do this.

The GPS directed us to the shortest route which just happened to be a narrow winding road (which turned into a one lane road in many places) and which also had patches of snow in spots. This southern girl does not like the idea of driving in snow especially since the steep drop over the side is not forgiving of driving errors. Regina is a good driver who is accustomed to mountain driving and also to snow so that was good.

I’m not sure how long it took us to make the drive up the mountain because my mind was busy calculating the exact moment my heart would stop beating if we went too close to the edge. It felt like it was about five hours but was probably closer to one hour. At any rate, it was plenty of time for me to look at my fear.  Now, with my feet firmly planted on relatively flat ground I can joke about this, but while it was happening I couldn’t even talk about it because it is remarkably hard to talk when you are holding your breath.

I really was very afraid. I don’t think I was afraid of dying, but of falling. This makes no sense at all, but that seems to be the way it was. I think I did ok because I didn’t cry, or become hysterical, and the whole time I remembered what this was for. I was able to stay in touch with the sane part of my mind no matter how afraid I became. I knew that I wanted to release this fear that was gripping my mind and holding it hostage. I wanted to be free. I recognized that I could not do this by myself and so surrendered it to the Holy Spirit. No matter how often I took my fear back, I remembered that I did not want it and returned my mind to the Holy Spirit.

I saw very clearly how my fear said it was protecting me. It said that without the fear I would someday do this again. and so if I managed to live through the first trip surely I would wind up here again. My fear said that if I didn’t hold onto it I would stop leaning toward the mountain and without my efforts the car would surely slide over the side. The ego makes goofy promises, but while in the grip of terror I believe them all.

I was never able to let go of my fear. I was never able to look over the edge without wanting to throw up, or to enjoy the absolutely beautiful scenery (I know it must have been beautiful because everyone said it was. Ha ha ha). At first I was disappointed at the end of the ride because I was still afraid of heights but then I remembered something. I was afraid but I did not give into the fear. I went up the mountain anyway. There was a place on the route that said it was the last chance to turn around and I could have asked Regina to do so, but I didn’t. I stuck with it, not because I am brave (I’m not) but because I did not want to give into the fear thoughts. More than I wanted to avoid the fear I wanted to be free of it.

I feel very grateful to the Holy Spirit in my mind for all the true thoughts I had while I was afraid. I am also grateful that I can see the good that came from that experience, and for the certainty that it was not a failed experience, but was really a success. I succeeded in doing what I was afraid of, in remembering what it was for, and in finding God in the experience.

It was a great play and the rest of the day was lots of fun. Thanks to Regina for being my voice for the Holy Spirit all the way up the mountain. Also thanks to Jasmine and Danielle for not joining me in my fear because that would have simply increased my belief in it. They listened to the truth they heard in Regina’s voice and so that helped me feel stronger. Thank you, Holy Spirit for remaining that gentle, consistent Voice for God that keeps me on track no matter what is happening around me.

Regina’s Single Quiet Thought for today ends by saying:
Seek out those things that are not but love, and be done with them, because they are not the reflection you choose to be.

Every time I notice a thought in my mind that does not reflect my true self I know that this is a thought I want to be done with. This fear thought about heights is one of those thoughts to be done with and yesterday I took a big step toward doing just that.

 

 

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Look on All You See and Love

Lately I have been very mindful of the treasures to be found in my everyday life. And I have been very mindful of the gifts that come through my apparent “enemies” that is, those who seem to attack in many ways during the course of a day. You know the ones; the clerk at the store who rolls her eyes when you can’t immediately find the right change, and the impatient man standing next in line who keeps looking at his watch. There is the kid driving recklessly who nearly hits you because he isn’t paying as much attention to you as he is to his radio dial. The list is endless on some days.

Its easy enough to see the gifts that seem like gifts but not so easy to see the gifts that come wrapped in frustration, anger, fear and guilt. NTI Colossians, Chapter 3 says this:
Look on all that you see and love it, but do not identify with it. It is not your truth or your reality. It is a reflection of your thought.
Be grateful for the love that you find. Embrace it. But also be grateful for the reflection that seems not to be love, for it is what it seems not to be. It comes to you in love and grace to show you what you have thought, that you may choose again. NTI Colossians 3:18-25

As I reflect on this verse I see I need to read this slowly and thoughtfully. It begins by telling me to look on all I see. There are times when I turn my attention from unpleasantness so quickly that it is almost as if I am unaware of it. I say almost, because in truth I miss nothing and so I am aware, I have judged (or why would I have turned from it) and it is affecting me. I am the ostrich with my head in the sand thinking that what goes unacknowledged by me cannot hurt me. Not true.

Why is it important for me to look on all I see and how do I do that? What I am unwilling to acknowledge cannot be healed by the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit never imposes on me what I do not want. How can I truly ask for healing if I am unwilling to see what needs to be healed. My experience has been that vigilance is the key to heaven; vigilance for my thoughts, my beliefs, and my actions.

The other day I stopped at a convenience store and bought some water. While there I bought a Moon Pie. This is unusual for me because I don’t usually eat sweets and when I do, I save it for the really good stuff, like homemade pastries. But I really wanted something sweet and I really wanted that Moon Pie. As I picked it up I asked the Holy Spirit why I wanted this. I bought the pie and ate it.

As I sat in the car contemplating the number of calories in a Moon Pie and wondering what happened,  I thought that it didn’t do me much good to be vigilant for my thoughts in this case. I still ate the Moon Pie. But I was wrong. The next day while talking to a friend I received my answer. Before I bought the Moon Pie I had been feeling guilty about something going on in my life, and I had been believing something that wasn’t true. Guilt very quickly triggers addictive behavior. There wasn’t a Dillards nearby so I indulged my other addiction which is sugar.

That was an example of looking at what I see. I saw myself buying something I would not normally by and I really looked at that behavior and asked Holy Spirit for clarity. So how do I love it without identifying with it? Sitting in the car I didn’t love it, but I was definitely identifying with it.

Now looking back at it with my question answered I see some things more clearly.  I love whatever is happening right now. When I don’t love it I am resisting and resisting is painful. Eating that Moon Pie was simply a reflection of the thought that I felt guilty. When I believe these kinds of thoughts I react in certain ways and this is one of them. How perfect is that?!

It is like a red flag I wave before my own face telling me that I need to pay attention. Something is going on in the back room of my mind and I need to see it. This is why I love it. Everything is a reflection of my thoughts and how I experience that reflection is up to me. I can love “all that is” and allow the Holy Spirit to show me the gift it brings me, or I can resist and fight it and reinforce the ego belief in separation. It is ok for me to choose either course, it is my right as the perfectly free Son of God to do it either way I want.

As I make the choice for ego over and over again I will eventually begin to notice that it hurts. Every time I choose separation it hurts. The very act of choosing separation is an attack on myself and it will bring me pain. Then it becomes a matter of how much more pain I am willing to suffer in order to experience separation. 

How about the identity part? Where does that come in? While I was sitting there in the car thinking that I should not have eaten the Moon Pie and that I was weak willed, I was identifying with the action. I was thinking that I am a person who cannot control her own urges. I am a person who is guilty and my guilt is written all over my body in fat cells. That is identifying with what I see.

I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not even personal. They are just recycled thoughts that have passed through mind since time was made for the purpose of separation. A thought floats out of your mind and into my mind. I can watch it as it goes on through to someone else’s mind, or I can grab it and say, “That’s me.” When the thought went through my mind that eating a Moon Pie means that I am less than, I grabbed hold of it and claimed it as the truth about me. I identified with that thought.

There are other things I can do with these floating thoughts. I can let it go on by and watch the next thought that comes through. Or I can look at the thought with the Holy Spirit and ask that it be healed. Just as thoughts are not personal, neither is healing. It doesn’t matter who heals a thought so it may as well be me. There is only one mind and one thinker.

I am learning to love “what is” regardless of how it appears in my life. The clerk who rolls her eyes as I dig around in my purse for the correct change used to be my receptacle for shame. She rolled her eyes and I felt less than. I identified with the thought and saw myself as inept, disorganized, and someone people would rather not be around. I projected those feeling onto her and decided it was her fault I felt like this. She was the guilty one. What an awful way to live, always attack and defend, attack and defend.

As I really look at this woman I see something different. I see my sister offering me the gift of enlightenment. I see her holding out her hand and winking at the joke that she could attack me and I could ever need to defend against her. I laugh at the humor of the charade we engage in.

“Sister, I have pretended you are my enemy and you have pretended I am yours. What a story we are sharing. But it is an old story, played out so many times and I am tiring of it. I am going to add a new element. I am going to look through the story to the love beneath it. I wonder how that will change things. Thanks for playing your part so that I could reach this moment in my awakening. I am eternally grateful.”

And if I choose differently, if I choose to see only the story and to believe the story, I can love that too.
Chapter 3 of Colossians ends with these words:  Praise your mistakes, that they may be corrected. For it is only in praise and acceptance that the truth may be known.
I can love “all that is” including my mistakes. Nothing was ever healed through fighting it, or hating it. I embrace my mistakes, I love them, honor them. They are the steps I took to get where I am right now. And if I choose not to correct them today, they will return tomorrow, gift in hand so that I may make another choice.  How could I not love them?

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Defensiveness is War

I’ve been reading a lot of Byron Katie recently, and have found much of what she says to be really helpful. Something that really helped me was hearing her be completely defenseless. She says something like, “So you think I am too emotional. Maybe you are right. Let me sit with that awhile.” This is peace. What might she have said instead? She might have denied it. “What do you mean I am too emotional? That’s ridiculous. I am nothing like that.” That is war.

I have been in both places, but most often, I have been to war. I can remember being defensive even when I knew my accuser was right. What drives me to defend myself at all cost? Katie says that I do this because I believe my thoughts. I have thoughts which I have not examined, have not questioned, but have simply accepted as truth.

Someone says, “Myron, you are too emotional.” I have a thought that says I have been attacked by this person. I must defend myself. Instead of questioning whether this thought is true, I simply accept it as gospel and set up my defenses. There is another choice, though.  Using The Work, I would consider the thought I am being attacked by this person, and ask myself if that is true. Can I absolutely know this is true?

I will have to say no right off because I can see that this might not be his intent at all. Maybe he is trying to help me. Maybe he is projecting his own stuff on me and so cannot see me at all. Actually, I could delete the maybe because I know this is true. That doesn’t mean he is not right.

Now here is a thought. Maybe I don’t understand the nature of attack in this case. Maybe he means to attack me for whatever reason, but choosing to see it as attack is my choice. Perhaps I could see it as a chance to go within to examine my thinking and my motives. In this case, however he might have meant the remark, for me it is not an attack but a gift.

So, no, I cannot know for a certainty that he has attacked me. Katie would then encourage me to notice how this lie affects me when I hold onto it. I put myself back into that place where I heard him say that I am too emotional and I decided he was attacking me. I notice my feelings, my body, my reactions. I see that I tense up, I become agitated and I defend myself through attack.

The way I defend myself is to make him wrong so I can be right. He becomes the guilty one so that I can preserve the illusion of my innocence. I cannot defend myself without attacking him. Even if I make my words pretty and spiritual, it is still an attack, perhaps a veiled attack, but still an attack. Maybe I could try to fool myself and him by saying, “Honey, I know you mean well, but this simply is not true.” Take the pretty words, and gentle delivery away, and what do I have? “You are wrong and I am right.”

If I want to protect my illusory innocence I will have to justify my response by reminding myself that he threw down the gauntlet. He fired off the first round so he is at fault. I am just doing my best not to be taken out by his unwarranted attack. Now I have to gather some ammunition so I can return fire. I have to think of all his faults, all the times he has been wrong and gather them close to me because I will be needing them. I also need to reinforce my embattlements so that he cannot pierce my heart again with his unkind words. All meaningful communication has ceased because we are both busy preparing for war.

And what am I protecting? A lie. An unexamined theory as Katie would say. I listened to the thinking mind, the ego mind, and I believed the thought that he is attacking me. There is more at stake here than simply arguing who is right. There is an underlying idea behind this state of war. To argue who is right it is necessary that I see us as separate. He is over there and I am over here. He has an agenda that is different from my agenda.

God created us whole, one, undivided and forever a part of each other. In a moment of senseless defense I have taught myself that I am divided, separate, weak and vulnerable. And what I teach myself I teach my brother. Wherever we go, we go together. We remain in hell… together, or we go to heaven… together.

In Lesson 135 in A Course in Miracles, it says, “For no one walks the world in armature but must be afraid.” It goes on to say, “Defense is frightening. It stems from fear, increasing fear as each defense is made.  You think it offers safety. Yet it speaks of fear made real and terror justified.” As I defend myself I teach myself that I am one in need of defense, that I have reason to be afraid.

Then Katie would have me put myself in that place again and examine how I would feel if I let go of my story. How would it feel to hear him say that I am too emotional if I did not have the thought in my mind that he was attacking me? I could answer that by saying I would be free, and interested, and curious.

I might even be grateful that he cared enough to chance being attacked. I might feel compassion for him if he was projecting his own stuff because I know how that feels. I could be so open to possibilities. I feel excited just thinking about it. I feel grateful for this gift.

I have experienced not being willing to let my story go. It feels like I can’t. The story isn’t true. It hurts me and yet I cannot bring myself to even imagine what it feels like without the story. That kind of resistance is painful. My saving grace is that I know I am not alone. I go within and ask my Holy Spirit for help. I give whatever willingness I have to this and then I don’t worry about it. I know that if I ask it will be given.

Katie has what she calls the turnaround and this is especially helpful when I am resisting. I had said that that he attacked me and I turn it around to say that he did not attack me. I have seen already where this is at least as true as my original thought. I saw that maybe he was only trying to help me. I saw that maybe he didn’t mean it the way I heard it. I saw that maybe he was only talking to himself, whatever he believed he was doing.

Another turnaround is that I attacked him and I know this is equally true. When I saw him wrong it was an attack. When I blamed him it was an attack. When I wanted him to change it was an attack. I was as good as saying that it is not ok that he be what he is. This is an attack.

Katie says that all our suffering comes not from what is happening to us by from what we think about what is happening to us. I was reading NTI, The Holy Spirit’s Interpretation of the New Testament, and in Luke 13 the Holy Spirit says, “It is your thoughts that have made you suffer. And so, if you would choose freedom, you must also choose freedom from your thoughts.” A Course in Miracles says, “The fact that I see a world in which there is suffering and loss and death shows me that I am seeing only the representation of my insane thoughts, and am not allowing my real thoughts to cast their beneficent light on what I see.”

I am not slave to my thoughts, and though they come and go seemingly without my control, I do have a choice as to whether I believe them or not. I have thoughts that are true. Those are the thoughts I think with God. But I also have many thoughts that are not true. Those are the thoughts I think with the ego. They are defensive thoughts because that is the ego’s job. It represents a false system of thought and so must always defend itself. But I am not the ego and so I do not have to believe what it tells me.

The next time I feel attacked by someone’s words I can believe that thought and suffer. Or I can choose not to believe in attack, and simply listen with a child’s open curiosity and consider the possibilities that acceptance opens for me. Perhaps someone reading this will not agree with me and will tell me that I am wrong. And perhaps I will be willing to lay aside my armament and instead go inside to question if they might be right. In so doing, maybe I will become aware of a deeper meaning or a truer way to see.

The difference between holding onto the story and letting it go is the difference between suffering and joy, between war and peace. It is my choice which I experience. I am free to open my mind and loose it from all thoughts that are not the truth. Then my mind will hold only what I think with God.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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I am Essential to the Plan for the Salvation of the World

I stay busy doing my spiritual work just as do you. It is the way I remain faithful to my purpose and the way I achieve my purpose. Sometimes the form of the work varies. The most important work I have ever done has been the lessons from the workbook for A Course in Miracles. This is a mind changing, life altering experience. It has been enhanced since by using the Illumination Journal by Revs Paul and Deb Phelps. Journaling with the Holy Spirit through these lessons has enriched my experience in ways I cannot explain.

I love using the courses from Pathways of Light to inspire and guide me as I do this work. I have found Dan Joseph’s three step process to be invaluable in my work. Everything I do is based on his steps of honestly acknowledging my dark thoughts and feelings, then offering that darkness to God and become willing to release it. And finally, having cleared a space, I now open to a new inner experience of comfort and love. Steady and consistent use of this process has helped me to see things differently.

I have found some of Regina Dawn Aker’s practices to be especially helpful to me. She has taught me to notice that while I have many thoughts, I do not have to believe them. She has also taught me not to be attached to the “I” thought, to be fully surrendered so that the truth of God can be made manifest through me. I practice this by noticing those ideas that I seem to attach to and remembering that I am not that.

Lately I have been using Byron Katie’s, The Work which is helping me to break the cycle of believing my thoughts by questioning them. She calls this inquiry and she makes it very simple through her process. Katie asks that I consider my beliefs honestly and without sugar coating them. She asks that I let the ego run wild and express itself fully. Then she suggests that I question if that is true. Is it really true?

Using her process I then ask myself how I react when I believe that thought, and then I follow that question with one which wants to know who I would be without that thought. Once I have answered these questions, I turn it around, and the see the opposite as true. I then give myself three genuine specific examples of how it is as true, or truer, than my original statement.

All of these processes and many more have helped me so much. This is my life. This is what I do, and have been doing for a very long time. It takes motivation to stick to this kind of effort. It is easy to read about it and think you understand, but that does not change you. It is only the practice of it that creates change. It is easy to practice it for awhile, but it has been my experience that choosing God over ego requires constant vigilance. It is a moment to moment endeavor. What is my motivation?

When I first began this spiritual path, or should I say when I first realized I was on a spiritual path, my motivation was to create a better life. I didn’t like my stories and I wanted new ones. I was unhappy and wanted to change my world so I would be happy.  I wanted what is to look like something else thinking that would make me happy. God said, “Ok, let’s start there.” He loves me so much. Wherever I am, there He is.

Then I began to realize that there was a lot more to this than fixing my life. As the Course says in many places, “I am the means God as appointed for the salvation of the world.” How is that for motivation? The salvation of the world depends on me. How could that be?

The ego mind finds that thought to be a fearful thought. It says that probably it was the same thought Jesus had right before they crucified him. It seems to suggest sacrifice and the ego can get really whiny about this. “I have little enough, and now I’m supposed to give it up? I can’t save myself, how am I supposed to save myself?” And of course, the ever favorite, “Why me?”

Jesus knew this would be the ego reaction and he answered it before we even got around to asking. He assures us that crucifixion was his method of teaching and need never be repeated. He tells us over and over in the Course that God does not want our sacrifice. One objection, at least, is true. I cannot save myself. But I am not alone. I am surrounded by enlightened help.

In Lesson 153, Jesus tells us, “We rise up strong in Christ and let our weakness disappear, as we remember that His strength abides in us. We will remind ourselves that He remains beside us through the day, and never leaves our weakness unsupported by His strength.” He also says, “Be not afraid nor timid. There can be no doubt that you will reach your final goal.” Thank you, God. Thank you, God!

I was trying to remove the flooring in my room and realized I could not do this alone. I stood looking at it wondering how the job was going to get done. Then once the flooring was up, I still had to figure out how water collected under it. It seems impossible as I follow the water line and realize it does not go into my bedroom and yet, there is water pooling under the flooring. And I still didn’t know how to get the flooring up.

I began to feel helpless and victimized, when I remembered the Work. I looked at that thought, “I am helpless and victimized by this circumstance.” Is that true? Well it seems to be true. Can I absolutely know it is true? Well, no, not absolutely. It might not be true.

How do I react when I believe that thought? I feel afraid. I feel like crying. I feel embarrassed. I feel anxious.

Who would I be without the thought that I was a helpless victim? I would be a person with a problem to be solved. I would be free to solve the problem with a sense of anticipation as I watched the solution come into my mind.

I turn the thought around. I am not a victim. I am not helpless. I am not a helpless victim because there are solutions to my problem and if I can’t find those solutions I can ask for help. There, that is two examples right there. I am not a helpless victim because I have solved many problems.

That was how I did The Work on this particular problem. I stopped the cycle of ego thinking, and ego story telling by questioning the legitimacy of that thought. If I had not done this I would soon have had many ego stories to support my belief in victimhood and helplessness. It would only take me a moment to come up with half a dozen of them.

Instead I used my practice to bypass the ego and to reinforce the truth that I don’t have to believe my thoughts. I still have to get the flooring up, but now I can do it in joy. I look forward to seeing how I solve this problem rather than dreading the anxiety and fear it could have generated had I chosen to believe the lie that I am a helpless victim.

So how does this tie in with my job of saving the world? How could this possibly have anything to do with the salvation of the world? Nothing I experience in this world is real or means anything, not the floor or the leak or the solution. But as I remember my purpose, which is to save the world, I can use this event to heal my mind. As my mind is healed, the Sonship is healed, because my mind is part of the whole Mind of the Sonship.

Let me take this even further.  Lesson 115 says, “I am essential to the plan for the salvation of the world.” It does not say I have a little part or even a big part. It says I am essential. I looked up the word essential. It means, of the utmost importance, basic, indispensible, and necessary. That’s me. I am essential to the plan for the salvation of the world. That’s you. You are essential to the plan for the salvation of the world!

Not obsessing over my floor and not feeling victimized and helpless kept me from having a bad day. I was happy all day long with my destroyed floor and no plan of action. That is a miracle all by itself, but it is nothing compared to the real miracle. Because I chose not to believe that thought I saved the world. The world may not look any different to you, but it was essential that I chose not to believe that ego lie.

If I held onto that thought and believed it the world would still be held hostage by the ego belief in separation. It was essential that I let it be healed. It was essential that I forgive the idea of victimization and helplessness because these things are not part of the Son of God. If I hold onto a lie, I cannot hold onto the truth. If I do not hold the truth in the mind of the Son, it is not held. It is in this that my part is essential, as is yours.

This is what I am finally learning about this spiritual work. It is not about making a better life. It is not about me at all. It is not personal. It is about the healing of the Sonship. These are not my thoughts, this is not my body, this is not my life. I don’t need to wake up. I don’t exist. My identity as I experience it in the world is tied to an illusion. It is an illusion.

But I do exist outside that illusion and I want to wake up to that Self which is real. And so I use the ego body and the ego stories and the ego thoughts to awaken the sleeping mind of the Son.  This awakening has nothing to do with Myron but that’s ok; I don’t have anything to do with Myron either, other than to use her story as a symbol for the separation belief, and to use her story as a tool to awaken from that belief.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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