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Study of Text, Chapter 12, II.The Sane Curriculum, P 3. 2-25-16

V. The Sane Curriculum, P 3

3 You will never realize the utter uselessness of attack except by recognizing that your attack on yourself has no effects. For others do react to attack if they perceive it, and if you are trying to attack them you will be unable to avoid interpreting this as reinforcement. The only place you can cancel out all reinforcement is in yourself. For you are always the first point of your attack, and if this has never been, it has no consequences.

Journal
When I attack myself I have always, in the past, projected that attack outward onto the situation or someone else. I do this less than I used to, but I still do it. The reason I am quick to project is that I believe in my own attack. I believe that I deserve attack, that I can hurt myself, that I am vulnerable. The result of this, besides making myself miserable and possibly creating more problems, is that I reinforce the idea that attack is real and a solution.

I cannot undo attack by defending myself against someone else’s attack, and I cannot undo attack by finding solutions in the world. The world is an effect of attack, not the source of attack. The source of attack is always in my mind and nowhere else so it is my mind that must be healed of the belief in attack as a possibility and as a viable solution to problems.

I used attack in my mind twice yesterday. First, one of my customers told me about my competitor coming by and trying to woo them away. I felt a twinge of concern that didn’t get worse because he assured me they were not interested. That twinge was an attack even if it never bloomed into something bigger. He then told me that a neighboring system, one of mine, did switch to my competitor. Ok, now the bloom is getting bigger, but not full blown yet.

I went to see that customer right away, and all this time I am noticing the feelings of concern trying to grow into panic. I am asking that my mind be healed of this desire to attack and defend. For instance, I would think of things that were done wrong with this customer and feel resentment toward our driver who one time made a mistake. I would think of all the many things I do for these guys to make their work easier and then feel resentment toward them.

This is pretty typical ego thinking, but I notice each one and ask for the Atonement. This is good stuff when viewed from the perspective of purpose. My purpose is to awaken and I do that by undoing the ego in the mind. This situation is providing me with opportunity to see what yet needs to be undone. These attack thoughts seem to be about the situation, but the situation is just an image I have made of the belief that I am unworthy and sinful because I left God. That is the original attack and the one that keeps appearing as images in the world of my making.

When I got there I found out they had indeed agreed to go with the other company, but probably because my constant communication with Spirit has kept me calm and not so self-absorbed, I am able to talk them back to us. I never fell down that rabbit hole, just circled it some. ~smile~ Here is one of the things Spirit asked me while this was going on; “What are you defending?” I could answer truthfully that I was defending the little self, and I could honestly say I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to know that there is no little self to defend.

I had another situation later that night that was more difficult. The competitor that was the problem earlier was at the same meeting as me. I had to face him for over an hour and look at my thoughts about him. As soon as I saw him I asked Holy Spirit to remind me of who he really is. It was tough going, but good practice. I woke up this morning feeling bad that I spent this time attacking, but I also realized I did much better than I would have even a short time ago.

Each of those attacks began in me. I attacked myself, then I projected it outward. In both cases, it was only my mind that needed my attention. Yes there were things to be done, but I could do them in peace and from love if I stopped the attack thoughts in my mind. Especially in the first case, I feel like by the time I reached my customer, my mind was pretty clear. I said what needed to be said, and I did not project attack thoughts. I did not do a victory dance. I am very grateful for the healing. Later that night I had an opportunity to do more work, peel that onion some more. I hope to be done with this one soon.

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