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Study of Manual for Teachers 4-29-12

Day 119
4 How is the peace of God retained, once it is found? Returning anger, in whatever form, will drop the heavy curtain once again, and the belief that peace cannot exist will certainly return. War is again accepted as the one reality. Now must you once again lay down your sword, although you do not recognize that you have picked it up again. But you will learn, as you remember even faintly now that happiness was yours without it, that you must have taken it again as your defense. Stop for a moment now and think of this: Is conflict what you want, or is God’s peace the better choice? Which gives you more? A tranquil mind is not a little gift. Would you not rather live than choose to die?

So what we are being told here is that peace is a moment to moment choice. As soon as I return to conflicted thinking, I lose my peace. At one time in my life I was so confused I didn’t even know that consistent peace was an option. I woke up in the morning and my first thought would be, “I wonder what kind of day this will be?” And I would lie there checking to see if I was going to be depressed, or if this would be a happy day. As if I had nothing to do with it. And I believed this! Incredible.

I remember a time when I would be angry with someone and upset about that thing, worried about lots of stuff and didn’t even realize that I was miserable, much less that my thinking was causing the discomfort. Eventually, I must have had a thought that life had to be more than unhappiness with brief respites, and I found the Course and opened my mind to the possibility I was responsible for my life. Slowly, I began to watch my thinking and began to choose forgiveness. I learned that when I forgave I was happy and when I held grievances I wasn’t.

The more I did this the less willing I was to accept even small upsets. I have quickly become spoiled to happiness and peace and, mostly, I am unwilling to sell my peace so cheaply as I once did. Even so, I still surprise myself from time to time with a foolish stubbornness as I latch onto a judgment and decide I would rather have my way than to be happy. I know. Crazy, right?

When I choose God, I am so happy and my mind is so peaceful I can’t believe I would ever choose anything else. Then I make a judgment about something and get lost in my anger and it really is like a heavy curtain has dropped. Or like I am in a fog and can’t figure out how to get out. But having done this a lot now, I do remember that I want out and my desire to be free again blows the fog away.

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