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Study of Text, Chapter 13:III. The Fear of Redemption, P 4. 6-27-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 4

4 You have built your whole insane belief system because you think you would be helpless in God’s Presence, and you would save yourself from His Love because you think it would crush you into nothingness. You are afraid it would sweep you away from yourself and make you little, because you believe that magnitude lies in defiance, and that attack is grandeur. You think you have made a world God would destroy; and by loving Him, which you do, you would throw this world away, which you would. Therefore, you have used the world to cover your love, and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there. And it is this that frightens you.

Journal
Reading this I see that the whole problem is very simple. I love God and my love for Him is so big, so intense, so complete, that if I let myself remember that love, I would rush to Him, and into Him. My fear is that this would leave me helpless, crushed, obliterated. I would be nothing. I would cease to exist, is the fear I have. So I defend myself against God.

I attack His memory and then I run deeper into the darkness of the ego, to hide from His wrath. I believe that this attack and defend strategy is my strength. And all this is happening only in my mind. I attack what I am, and I hide from my Self. And nothing is happening because none of this is possible. God cannot be attacked and I cannot defend against Love.

I dream and dream and dream. I dream of suffering and loss and pain. Mostly, I dream of fear. I am afraid to come out of the dream and I am afraid to go more deeply into it. I am afraid of God and of my Self, afraid that I have hidden myself away, and afraid I have not hidden well enough. In my mind, I have made this self, this body, this world, and I have given it value and now I think I must defend it against Love. And all the time, I love God and He loves me, and I cannot hide from Love. I can only pretend to do so.

“and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there. And it is this that frightens you.”

And this is the essence of our resistance to doing the work. We are afraid of looking at our ego thoughts because we are afraid of finding the Love that is hidden there. I have been vigilant for my thoughts and have been taking them to Spirit for correction for years now, and yet I still resist at time. Recently, I have noticed myself pushing some of these thoughts down and away. Holy Spirit told me to stop doing that, to look at them with Him. I have nothing to fear in looking, because ultimately I will find only Love, and Love will not destroy me; it will fulfill me.

The world I made to play at separation is of no value. It is nothing, just thought given temporary form. It is meaningless. It is not me, not this body or this life or any other life. Letting it go would have as much impact as does coming into the house after a day of play has for a child. This is all we are doing with the study of the Course. We are convincing ourselves to let the memory of Love overtake us. We are choosing to come out of the dark, to return to our Home after a moment of play. The solution to the only problem we have ever had is simple; surrender into God; surrender into Love. Return to my Self.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

Study of Text, Chapter 13: III.The Fear of Redemption, P 3. 6-22-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 3

3 In honesty, is it not harder for you to say “I love” than “I hate”? You associate love with weakness and hatred with strength, and your own real power seems to you as your real weakness. For you could not control your joyous response to the call of love if you heard it, and the whole world you thought you made would vanish. The Holy Spirit, then, seems to be attacking your fortress, for you would shut out God, and He does not will to be excluded.

Journal
Is it harder for me to say I love you than for me to say I hate you? I think that may be true. It has been shifting, and I say I love you more often, and I mean it. But I still feel resistance sometimes, especially if I feel attacked. I don’t use the word “hate” not out loud and not even in my mind. But I mean it. I even feel that way toward people I love at times.

Yesterday, I said something that triggered a response in my daughter. I apologized but she didn’t want to let it go and I started to feel guilty for my thoughtlessness. Instead of being loving, I was sarcastic. That sarcasm was just another way of saying, I hate you for making me feel bad. Then, of course, I felt worse. When I feel threatened at work, I respond with hateful thoughts. When I catch that, I ask for help to see differently, but I see that I choose defense first many times.

The idea that I need to protect this body, this image, this life, is what inspires the desire to attack and what provokes the hateful responses. As long as I keep defending and attacking, I will not be willing to hear the call to Love. When I defend myself against my brothers I defend against union, and so I defend myself against God because God is not division. My strength lies in God. In my defensiveness I am choosing weakness over my own power.

Another way to say this is that we know, deep within a hidden place in our mind, that the only way we can keep ourselves from responding joyfully and eagerly to God’s Call to Love, is to defend against it. We protect ourselves from this Call by convincing ourselves that guilt and fear are real, and that we must defend against them. So we have made a false association between hate and safety. In so doing, we have cut ourselves off from our true power which is love. Since we believe attack is our salvation, we have taught ourselves to see God as the enemy Who would destroy us with His love.

Understanding this, I feel more compassion for those who act out of fear. I can think of the man who killed all those people in Orlando and realize that he is unlike me only in that he acted on the fear and hate that is also in my mind. I can help us all if I ask that my mind be healed of hate, and that I open to love instead. Each time we see hate in our mind and allow it to be transformed by the Holy Spirit, we undo this insane thought system a bit more, and sanity becomes more attractive to us. We fear less and love more. We open to God a bit more and are more attracted to His love.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 13: III.The Fear of Redemption, P 2. 6-21-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 2
2 Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid. For this memory would instantly restore you to your proper place, and it is this place that you have sought to leave. Your fear of attack is nothing compared to your fear of love. You would be willing to look even upon your savage wish to kill God’s Son, if you did not believe that it saves you from love. For this wish caused the separation, and you have protected it because you do not want the separation healed. You realize that, by removing the dark cloud that obscures it, your love for your Father would impel you to answer His call and leap into Heaven. You believe that attack is salvation because it would prevent you from this. For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.

Journal
Jesus says that we would kill God’s Son because we believe it would keep us from remembering our intense and burning love of God and His for us. We hide from love and defend against God, all so that we can keep dreaming these stories of independence and separation. There seems to be no limit to the suffering we are willing to endure in order to keep our separate identities. Jesus says I do not want the separation healed, and I would argue with that if I could. But really, how can I?

Here I am, in the middle of it, resisting love, resisting happiness. And I do this for the shallowest of reasons; I want to be right, I want to be me. I feel like a child playing at being the princess and stomping my feet and running away when my parents call me home. Even if the dragon is so near I feel its scorching breath on my neck, even if the prince never comes to rescue me, even if it turns out that being a princess is not so much fun, even still, I want to be right. I stubbornly cling to my story and resist the love and comfort of home.

I deny my right to happiness and peace and the love of God every time I judge, every time I blame, am angry, resentful, or jealous. I deny God’s love every time I am afraid or guilty, and every time I claim to be a victim and unfairly treated. These are the treasures of my pitiful little kingdom and I hide behind them, not so that God cannot find me, but so that I don’t remember His Love. Because if I remember God I know in my heart that I would run to Him, leaving it all behind.

But slowly, ever so slowly, I am turning toward the light. Each time that I allow a bit of love in, I want more, and the stories of separation lose some of their appeal. I remembered when there was nothing I liked better than a good cry. I would seek out sad stories and revel in the emotional response I felt. I loved to play with fear, watching horror movies and reading scary books. I would hide under my covers and shiver in fear, as if this was the most delicious feeling in the world. And, oh, how I love my righteous indignation when I had been wronged!

Well, I have since discovered peace and joy and I am drawn to that instead. The happiness I experience now is just a small taste, a shadow of the real thing, but it has drawn me in and I am losing interest in the ego emotional roller coaster. “Oh my God, I think of what it must be like to experience Your Love more directly, and imagination fails me. And maybe it scares me a little.”

I have a battle raging in my mind right now. I desperately want to return to peace, but the ego mind just as desperately wants to be right. It is frustrating and upsetting. It feels like I am being compelled against my will, but of course that cannot happen. It is my desire for a self and my desire for my Self and the conflict is intense.

My Self will prevail, of course, but it is incredibly tiring as the conflict continues. Here is what happens. I feel so distraught and the ego says it is because of what others are saying and doing. When I have a moment of sanity, I ask Holy Spirit what it means and He says it is because I am defended against love.

I can hardly believe I used to live like this all the time. I guess it seemed normal because I didn’t know anything else. Now that I have tasted of the peace of God it is painful to be without it. I remind myself that the peace of God is everything I want. I remind myself that I am conflicted only because I asked the ego what something meant, and then believed what it told me. I can undo that decision.

In the journaling of this morning’s lesson I was reminded of the reason I step back and let Him guide the way. “I do not know what anything, including this, means. And so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me.” My desire to be at peace compels me to release all grievances and to look on my brothers as the holy Children of God that they are. “Father, walk with me today, hold my hand, keep me on the path of peace. This is my true will and my heart’s desire.”

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 13:III. The Fear of Redemption, P 1. 6-20-16

III. The Fear of Redemption

1 You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent. You may also think that it would be easy enough for the Holy Spirit to show it to you, and to dispel it without the need for you to raise it to awareness yourself. Yet there is one more obstacle you have interposed between yourself and the Atonement. We have said that no one will countenance fear if he recognizes it. Yet in your disordered state of mind you are not afraid of fear. You do not like it, but it is not your desire to attack that really frightens you. You are not seriously disturbed by your hostility. You keep it hidden because you are more afraid of what it covers. You could look even upon the ego’s darkest cornerstone without fear if you did not believe that, without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more. You are not really afraid of crucifixion. Your real terror is of redemption.

Journal
I really hate it when Jesus talks about this. I accept that he must be right, but I don’t feel like I am afraid of redemption, and I don’t want to think that I am. So Ithought about it anyway. What am I afraid that redemption would take from me? Well, I wouldn’t have anyone to blame when I felt guilty. Of course, when redemption is complete I won’t feel guilty, but what about on the way to redemption?

I say I want to give up guilt forever, even the belief it could exist. But I notice that in the midst of an ego storm, I still run for cover under the leaky roof of guilt. I have been upset about changes at work, and what I see is that I keep telling stories about the guilty ones who are causing the changes. Sigh. At least I have begun to accept that this is happening. I am withdrawing blame and, using the Rules for Decision, I am undoing the mess I made of it by asking the ego what it meant.

Defense and attack find a place in my mind, still. I defend my image of Myron. I defend myself against love. I defend myself against too much closeness. I defend myself against lack and loss. I attack anyone or anything that seems to invade these areas of my life. I justify my attack however I need to. So I must treasure defense and attack more than I treasure redemption.

I would have to give up my sense of an individual self. I would have to let Myron go, and the things about her that make her unique, and with her, all the interesting stories of Myron. Would that be so bad? I talk to people like Cate Grieves who has done this and they seem very happy without their old self to hang onto. But I seem strangely attached to Myron in spite of her problems and her suffering. Weird.

I have also noticed the things that I used to think I couldn’t live without, only to discover that I don’t miss them now that I have let them go. I used to think I needed to be sick a lot. I used to think there was some value in anger and fear and I held tight to them … until I didn’t. I can vaguely remember jealousy as something to use, and I remember when hatred used to seem important to me. Some of all this comes back into my mind, and sometimes I respond to it. But I no longer believe that I want to keep any of this. So maybe that means I am not as afraid of redemption as I used to be. Of course I haven’t even looked at the fear of God.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 13:The Guiltlessness Son of God P 9. 6-17-16

II. THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD, P 9

9 Little child, this is not so. Your “guilty secret” is nothing, and if you will but bring it to the light, the light will dispel it. And then no dark cloud will remain between you and the remembrance of your Father, for you will remember His guiltless Son, who did not die because he is immortal. And you will see that you were redeemed with him, and have never been separated from him. In this understanding lies your remembering, for it is the recognition of love without fear. There will be great joy in Heaven on your homecoming, and the joy will be yours. For the redeemed son of man is the guiltless Son of God, and to recognize him is your redemption.

Journal
This “guilty secret”, the belief that I have undone the holiness of the Son of God, is nothing. It is not real and could never be real. It leads to an even greater fear. If I have made His Son into something He is not, then I must have undone God in order for this to happen. This is the source of all guilt I think. But it does not seem that I can forgive this of myself, at least not yet. So I work my way toward complete forgiveness and the remembrance of Heaven by forgiving guilt where I see it in my life.

I have had so much opportunity to do this the last few weeks. It seems that I am being bombarded with opportunity, but really it is simply the answer to the prayer that I awaken. When I remember the purpose of all these stories, then I feel calm and simply do what I came to do. But when I get embroiled in the stories, I forget their purpose and I start to feel overcome and emotional. This makes the process harder and more unpleasant.

I am using the Rules for Decision right now as the process that is very helpful in doing the forgiveness work, and also one that helps me to avoid some of the discomfort I would otherwise feel. Having used this process now every day for over a month, some things are becoming clear to me. The main thing I understand now is that there is only one reason I suffer. It is because I asked the ego to help me understand what is happening and what it is for. As soon as I change my mind about this and ask the Holy Spirit instead, I return to peace, and the peace of God is everything I want.

Because I have achieved some degree of peace through consistent forgiveness, when I do hold a grievance and see anyone as guilty, it is very distressing to me. That sudden and abrupt loss of peace is jarring, and if I hold onto it, it is painful. So I continue to bring my dark thoughts to the light and allow them to be dispelled. I want to remember God.

I want to remember that in choosing to experience separation, I did not kill the Son of God. He is immortal. He is me. I am immortal and I will remember this when I let go of the belief in guilt. As I choose to see my brother’s innocence, I will see my own, and then I will know I am one with him and with God. That’s the way it works. So holding a grievance is both foolish and painful, and completely unnecessary. A Course in Miracles has given me methods, practices that help me to return to sanity. I intend to make good use of them.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 13:The Guiltlessness Son of God P 8. 6-14-16

II. THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD, P 8
8 The Atonement has always been interpreted as the release from guilt, and this is correct if it is understood. Yet even when I interpret it for you, you may reject it and do not accept it for yourself. You have perhaps recognized the futility of the ego and its offerings, but though you do not want them, you may not yet look upon the alternative with gladness. In the extreme, you are afraid of redemption and you believe it will kill you. Make no mistake about the depth of this fear. For you believe that, in the presence of truth you might turn on yourself and destroy yourself.

Journal
Jesus says that we should not mistake the depth of the fear we have of redemption. I am not in touch with that, at least not on the level he is talking about, but I accept that he is right. He says that the Atonement is the release from guilt, and so redemption means that there will be no belief in guilt in my mind. I can have that. It is being offered to me and so all I have to do is accept it. Incredibly I resist letting go of guilt.

I find myself guilty for a myriad of things. I do let them go when I notice them, but the idea of guilt is persistent in my mind. I also find others guilty, and sometimes it is hard for me to let that go. But if I want to be free, I must let all guilt, whatever form it takes, be removed from my mind. That doesn’t mean I must look at each form, but it does mean I must look at these individual forms of guilt and let them go one at a time until I am fully convinced that guilt is an illusion.

Guilt is such a heavy burden to carry around that it is amazing I have the stamina to make it through the day. In this section on guilt I have talked about some of the ways guilt finds a stronghold in my mind. One I am thinking about now is that when I think someone should act or speak differently, I am assigning guilt. And if I don’t forgive this idea about a person, I will continue to find fault so that I can justify my failure to forgive. I will gather proof that this person is guilty and the more I do this, the heavier my burden.

My work place situation has changed suddenly and radically. I have found myself resisting this change, and the more I resist it, the angrier I become. This is a form of guilt, this belief that circumstances should not have changed. The world is guilty of making me unhappy, is what I am really saying. Blaming it on the circumstances was just the beginning. Because blame and guilt were building in my mind, I began to see everything that happened at work through the lens of blame and guilt.

I started looking at my coworkers as enemies instead of helpers. When someone quit suddenly yesterday, I felt betrayed and abandoned. It is funny really, how I saw his actions, not as a positive step for his career, but as an affront to me. But this is what happens when we start looking at the world from a place of fear and guilt. All things start to look like an attack, and all our brothers start to look like enemies.

When this particular person resigned yesterday, I felt such a strong reaction that I had to go into my office and let myself cry. It was particularly hard because I had let guilt build in me to the point that it was affecting me physically and emotionally. This resignation was like the straw that broke the camels back. But it was also the straw that broke the ego’s back, or at least that was so apparently an ego effect that I decided it was time to undo this thinking. So I began to pull my attention away from the story and look at it as mistaken beliefs in my mind.

Since I am working with the Rules for Decision right now, I used this wonderful tool to help me. I began by realizing that I felt like I did about Lee’s resignation because of a decision I made. I make decisions continuously and usually don’t even realize I did so. I brought my attention to this particular decision, and asked the Holy Spirit to help me see clearly what happened. I had started the day by deciding to make no decisions on my own, and I had decided with Holy Spirit that the day would be one in which I would see Christ in everyone. So what happened?

When I discovered that Lee had resigned, without even realizing I had done it, I asked the ego to interpret this situation for me. We always ask either ego or Holy Spirit to help us with our decisions, and this time I had asked ego. This is not really surprising since I had been so embroiled with the belief in guilt, and guilt always causes fear. The ego advised me that Lee quitting was an attack on me, just another example of how unfairly life is treating me.

I asked the ego what the situation meant, and since I was already looking for proof of guilt, I bought into the ego’s interpretation and Jesus tells us in the Rules for Decision that this is our major problem now. We still make up our mind and then decide what we should do. Here is why this is such a big problem. Once I decided (with ego) that my problem was being abandoned and betrayed, I was expecting an answer to the problem as I now saw it.

Holy Spirit is not going to answer that problem because he knows I cannot be abandoned and betrayed. He knows that no one is guilty because guilt is an illusion. Since He is not going to answer the problem as I see it, His answer is not going to satisfy me. In fact it made me feel attacked and angry. It was as if the Holy Spirit was also abandoning and betraying me. So in order to free myself of this misery I was in, I had to correct my thinking.

So I started the process as Jesus instructs. I reminded myself of the day I wanted when I began my morning. This anger and upset was not part of the plan. So I realized I must have asked a question by myself (that is, with ego) and I must have set an answer in my terms. I cancelled all that out, when I said: I have no question. I forgot what to decide. This meant that I had asked the question, what does this mean? And I had forgot to decide with Holy Spirit. So, cancel, cancel. ~smile~

Because I had waited too long to do this, I had already gotten angry and afraid of a different version, a different question, a different answer. So I had to go through the rest of the steps. I next realized that at least I could decide that I didn’t like how I felt. And man, was that the truth! Just thinking about how I felt made me so sorry for myself that I cried again. So I admitted that I hoped I had been wrong.

Now that I had gone this far, I began to feel hopeful. I wasn’t having any change forced on me; I was choosing a change. This change was my idea and was going to help me. This bit of wisdom helped me to take the next step. I could honestly say that I wanted another way to look at this. Now that I had changed my mind about the day and remembered what I really wanted, I felt better and ready to take the final step.

I said: Perhaps there is another way to look at this. What can I lose by asking? I was so relieved by this time that I felt like I was coming out of a dark and gloomy day into the light. I was very ready to ask. I let my mind rest in God for a moment to clear it of any residual upset and then I turned it all around. In deciding with God, instead of ego, I felt such love and appreciation for Lee, that I wanted only what was best for him. He had been such a good help to me for a long time. I thought how lucky I was to have worked with him for all these years and so gotten to know and admire him.

Another thought that was given me by my Adviser is that I was mistaken in my belief I needed Lee to stay. And this reminded me of The Work by Byron Katie and so my mind went immediately to the four questions and the turn around. I had thought that I needed Lee to stay. I turned this around to realize that I did not need him to stay. Another turnaround is that I needed him to leave. The Holy Spirit showed me how both these turnarounds is true.

With a clear mind I was back on track to the day I decided on, and my mind was freer of guilt that it had been before. Each time I do this I experience some transfer of learning and I will continue to undo the guilt in my mind until that transfer of learning is complete and I no longer believe in guilt.

This healing process of Rules for Decision is like a condensed version of all the processes of A Course in Miracles. I highly recommend a deep study of this. It has benefited me so much. In fact, I have found it so helpful that I am offering a weekend workshop in Portland OR in July. It will be an intimate group of students studying and practicing this process so that when they leave they will have a strong foundation in using it. If you are interested in doing this for yourself, check out the details at http://forgivenessisthewayhome.org/events/

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 13:The Guiltlessness Son of God P 7. 6-13-16

II. THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD, P 7
7 This course has explicitly stated that its goal for you is happiness and peace. Yet you are afraid of it. You have been told again and again that it will set you free, yet you sometimes react as if it is trying to imprison you. You often dismiss it more readily than you dismiss the ego’s thought system. To some extent, then, you must believe that by not learning the course you are protecting yourself. And you do not realize that it is only your guiltlessness that can protect you.

Journal
My immediate thought was that this could not be true for me anymore. Surely, I am not afraid of peace and happiness. I know this used to be true, but not now. I am not resisting the Course, I don’t think it is imprisoning me. I want this and I practice it and make it part of my life so this could not possibly apply to me. Sigh. Then I asked Jesus how this applies to me.

I was resistant to this but I also wanted to look at it. So Jesus helped me out by doing this slowly, a step at a time. He knows I learn from concrete examples so he used one that has been in my life for a long time. First he reminded me of today’s lesson in which I included a conversation with Holy Spirit about body image. Then he brought my attention to the thoughts I had this morning about my body. I had to shop for clothes yesterday and this brought to my attention that I have gained more weight than I realized. I had to buy a larger size.

As I looked in the mirror I thought about losing weight and I felt my familiar confusion about what that means. Should I even care? If so, does trying to lose weight through adjusting my eating habits make sense? After all, this is a matter of beliefs being projected outward. Shouldn’t I focus on changing my beliefs, and if so, how do I do that? I am not happy and I am not at peace.

So then Jesus directed me to this paragraph again. As I read it, I realized that I did not really want an answer about how to see this body image problem. I don’t want to be told that it is not important. Not even if accepting it as not important would bring me back to peace and happiness. I don’t want to be imprisoned in this bigger body, so the words of the Course seem to be imprisoning me.

And what does this have to do with guilt anyway? Well, when I asked, I realized that I feel guilty for being overweight and guilty for caring, and guilty for wanting to change that and guilty for resisting a different way to see. Ok. I see the guilt. Ha ha. So what is next, Jesus? What do you want me to notice now? I was then brought to something Cate Grieves posted on her Timeline and I shared on mine because it felt so meaningful to me, and yet was something I resist. Here is what it said.

“The lack of everything – money, love, friends, health is caused by the mind believing there is a “self” that “cannot have something it wants.”

Ok, this applies. I believe that I lack a body image that appeals to me and so I think I cannot have something I want. More importantly, I think there is a “self” that wants this, and that is the real problem. I believe in that self and think it is me. Then she said:

“The self we think we are doesn’t exist. It’s made up by the mind. So on the chance you actually get more of what you want, the mind will go straight back into belief of lack. Because the mind (ego) is the cause. The belief that there is a you that needs something is the cause.”

Oh man. Talk about conflicted thinking! I know this is true. I understand this. I don’t want it to be true, and yet I do want it to be true. Yikes! Ok, this self I think of as me, which includes the body of Myron, is not me. I made it up, body and all, as well as the belief that it cannot have what it thinks it wants. As long as I keep the belief in lack, it will continue to manifest in this story of Myron, including in the body of Myron.

I know this is true because I have watched it occur over and over throughout this lifetime. I don’t want this to be true because it would mean I would have to look at the body thing differently, and I just want to go on a diet and lose weight. I want it to be true because if it is, I might can learn to see differently and this lifetime problem will be over, and I will be free of it, and happy and peaceful. See my problem? I am conflicted.

Cate ends this message in this way.

“If there was no story of “you” needing anything, everything would be just provided in this moment and the unchangeable awareness that is you, would be still and happy and just expressing love. Because there is nothing to do or get.”

And my one track ego mind skips the whole wonderful true me and the thought that comes from it is, “Does this mean I will be thinner or that I will have to be fat?” Holy cow. What a mind that ego is. Missed the point, Myron? But I see that I really want what is offered in that last paragraph. I want to be free of the belief in lack. I want to feel like and respond from, the true self. I want to live as my true self, so I am willing to do this. How do I do it, Jesus?

The next thought that comes into my mind from Jesus is to use the Rules for Decision. I feel some strong resistance to this and I know that it is because this will make a real difference and I am still not certain I want this change. At least I am still conflicted about it. I still want it and don’t want it. But I am going to do it anyway. So here goes.

When I look in the mirror I feel dissatisfied and unhappy. I feel judged and found wanting and I want to change the mirror image until it is something that makes me feel worthy. I recognize that this assessment is coming from the ego mind. This means I asked the ego for its judgment. As usual the ego finds me guilty and I have accepted its judgment of guilt.

But I remember that I don’t want to judge the situation because I don’t want to set the rules about how I react to it. As long as I decide what this image in the mirror means and what it is for, I will react in a certain way. I will have made up my mind and then asked what I should do. That is when I get the thought that this image means I lack and am unworthy. From that judgment, I decide the thing to do is to lose weight and so feel worthy again.

I recognize this as ego, and I have tried this solution so often that I know for sure it is going to work only briefly, if at all. So now I am going change my mind to something that will work. I am going to cancel this judgment, and I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to advise me, rather than listening to ego. Jesus says to do this step by step and not to skip any of them.

The first step, the cancellation, says this:

I have no question. I forgot what to decide.

I thought I knew the question, based on the ego judgment. The question was, what do I change to get the appearance that I want? But I am cancelling out that question because I forgot to decide to ask the Holy Spirit for his interpretation of the problem.

The next step is very gentle and non-confrontational.

At least I can decide I do not like what I feel now.

As I sit with that idea, I realize how true it is. I feel bad about myself. I feel unworthy and helpless. I feel like the situation is hopeless because I never solve it for more than a short period of time. I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. No, I don’t like how I feel.

The next step is also easy, and is a natural progression from the previous step.

And so I hope I have been wrong.

I sit with that one, too, and I see that I can say this and believe it. I do hope I have been wrong about how I see this. The only way I can feel better is if I have been wrong. It is a small step but it does open me to the possibility of something else.

The next step is a further opening to something else, another small step in that direction.

I want another way to look at this.

Right now I think my problem is how much I weigh. I think that what I see in the mirror defines me and not in a good way. I think that I am in a hopeless situation. But I don’t like how this makes me feel and so I hope I have been wrong about this assessment. I want another way to look at this. Yes, I really do want another way, though looking in the mirror I can’t think what that would be. Still, if there is another way, I want it.

The next step doesn’t ask me to be certain or even to understand. It only asks that I take a step through the small opening I have made in my mind.

Perhaps there is another way to look at this. What can I lose by asking?

I sat with this and I realized that Jesus is asking for just a small willingness, a little bit of trust that he knows what he is doing and that he wants me to be happy. He doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything, just to consider that I am wrong about what I think the sacrifice would be.

I am not going to think about this too much, because the ego mind would like to draw me back in to the habitual way of thinking, and that does not make me happy. I am willing to consider that not only am I not guilty for the body I have projected, but that I have never been guilty. I am willing to believe there is another way to see this and that it would be good for me to know what that is.

I am also going to do the Rules for Decision on the idea that there is no “me” that needs anything, being a scary thought. I have been very attached to the idea of a self that wants and a self that cannot have. I accept as a concept that I made this up and that there is a “me” that is real, but I am uncertain about what this feels like if fully known as reality. I tell myself that this is not a problem. I know I am not the ego. I know that I am spirit. But I act like an ego, and I often live my life in fear, guilt and lack, so I have not let that little self go. I am going to explore that fear as well.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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