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Gentle Healing Journal Day 74. 12-20-18

Journal for Day 74
LESSON 70
My salvation comes from me.

“2 The seeming cost of accepting today’s idea is this: It means that nothing outside yourself can save you; nothing outside yourself can give you peace. But it also means that nothing outside yourself can hurt you, or disturb your peace or upset you in any way. Today’s idea places you in charge of the universe, where you belong because of what you are. This is not a role that can be partially accepted. And you must surely begin to see that accepting it is salvation.”

I used to think that I could be happy if only something in the world changed. Maybe if I had more money, or a new customer, or if my children would only be safe, always something outside my own mind was my salvation. I was like a child in my thinking. I even had the thought that God should save me from my own choices and my own thoughts. If only He would just snatch me up out of this illusion and bring me back to Him.

I don’t believe these things at all. Except for when I do. When I worry about my son, I am, in effect, making him responsible for my happiness. The difference now is that I believe it briefly, then I release that belief. It is a stubborn one, though, and I pick it up again and again. Even though, I do this, I know, I absolutely know that my son’s unhappiness is not an attack on my peace and his happiness is not the solution to my lack of peace. It is just the latest justification and not one I really believe.

My problems are in one place only and that is in my mind. The solution is in the same place and so if I am not finding the solution, I must be looking for it with my eyes closed shut against it. I am learning to face this and to make new decisions based on what I really want, which is the peace of God. And I am willing to finally admit that the peace of God is not found in my son’s behavior changing, but in my own mind changing.

I think that I must lose weight in order to be happy. In my mind I want to say that this attempt to place my salvation outside my reach is pretty shallow and even silly. But the truth is, this overweight body is an illusion and my son’s body is equally an illusion. The story of Myron and her son is an illusion. The keyboard is an illusion. The computer is an illusion. None of it is real so how could one error in an illusion be worse or more important, or even different than another. It is all the same.

“My salvation cannot come from any of these things. My salvation comes from me and only from me.”

And thank God for that! I want to awaken, and God wants me to awaken. He placed the solution to my problem in my mind right where it was needed. It has taken me a long time it seems to decide that I really want the solution, but that time has come. I was having trouble seeing my son as simply a symbol of the separation idea, and it still makes me flinch to say it now. But either the world is an illusion or its not.

What makes this possible for me is that I know that my love is not an illusion. The idea of mother and son will not endure, and so it is not something I will cling to. I know for a fact that when I let go of the form of the relationship, I enjoy it far more and it stops being a block to universal love. I know it because I have experienced it. I also know that I cannot hold onto any idols if I want to walk through the clouds to the light within. And when I give up the illusion of a relationship, I experience true union instead.

“Try to pass the clouds by whatever means appeals to you. If it helps you, think of me holding your hand and leading you. And I assure you this will be no idle fantasy.”

And so I call on Jesus to be with me, to hold my hand and I believe in him and his promise.

That was a lovely meditation. No light, but a beautiful peace.

Regina’s Tip on this lesson. (https://awakening-together.org/tips-from-regina-lesson-71-only-gods-plan-for-salvation-will-work/)

This was such a helpful tip that instead of quoting the part that stands out to me, I am quoting most of it.

“My salvation comes from me” does not mean that the little self saves itself. It cannot. Nor does it mean that absolutely nothing is required of the little self.

It may be helpful to look at it this way: There is no clear dividing line between the little self and truth. The little self’s mental chatter is like the foam on a wave. The personal sense of self is like a wave. Internal wisdom is like the part of the ocean that can be reached by the light of the sun. The source is like the depth of the ocean that is beyond the sun’s reach. Although on the one hand there are degrees of difference between these aspects of the ocean, they are all ocean.

In this figurative example, you are the ocean. If you are the ocean, then you are the mental chatter, the individual sense of self, internal wisdom and the source. So when we say that your salvation comes from you, all these parts of you can participate in your salvation.

• The part of the mind that engages in mental chatter can contemplate the workbook lesson or practice inquiry instead of chattering meaninglessly
• The sense of self can rest in awareness instead of resting in mental chatter
• Inner wisdom can provide guidance
• The source can awaken us entirely

As you see, “my salvation comes from me,” but it doesn’t come from one part of me in a vacuum. All parts of me cooperate in salvation. From the perspective of the little self, I have a part in my awakening and God (grace, the universe) has a part in my awakening too. So as yesterday’s lesson emphasized, I do my part and trust that God (the deeper parts of the ocean) will do its part.

Awakening is a focus for the whole of me, or all of me, as one joined will.

My Thoughts
I don’t know that I need to add much to this. The one thing that I will comment on is the last paragraph. As Regina says, from the perspective of the little self, I have a part and God has a part. From my perspective, I recognize that God includes me, not me as my ego self, but me as I was created. Perhaps my perspective is not fully Regina’s perspective, but close enough that I understand and can make use of everything Regina said in this tip.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Gentle Healing Journal Day 73. 12-18-18

Journal for Day 73
LESSON 69
My grievances hide the light of the world in me.

“2 Today let us make another real attempt to reach the light in you. Before we undertake this in our more extended practice period, let us devote several minutes to thinking about what we are trying to do. We are literally attempting to get in touch with the salvation of the world. We are trying to see past the veil of darkness that keeps it concealed. We are trying to let the veil be lifted, and to see the tears of God’s Son disappear in the sunlight.

3 Let, us begin our longer practice period today with the full realization that this is so, and with real determination to reach what is dearer to us than all else. Salvation is our only need. There is no other purpose here, and no other function to fulfill. Learning salvation is our only goal. Let us end the ancient search today by finding the light in us, and holding it up for everyone who searches with us to look upon and rejoice.”

“Your little effort and small determination call on the power of the universe to help you, and God Himself will raise you from darkness into light.”

“Then let the power of God work in you and through you, that His Will and yours be done.”

I find The Code (https://awakening-together.org/the-code/) to be very helpful to me. I know that it is not truth but then what is in this world? It is a helpful idea that reflects truth in a simple way that helps me to detach from the world and that is good enough for me. On the other hand, the poetic language and the passion, the majesty of this lesson and passages from the Course like it make my heart soar. Also, though I know there must be some fear of God and Reality still in my mind, there is also a deep and abiding love for God and for a higher Purpose.

I feel a heart achingly longing for Home. And despite all of that, I did not reach the light. My mind wanted to return to the familiar thoughts and though I finally moved past that and to peace, nothing else occurred. Still, that is much further than I have ever gone before, so perhaps next time.

Regina’s Tip for this lesson.
~ Awakening is possible for me
~ Awakening is God’s (the universe’s) will for all of us
~ If I simply put one foot in front of the other consistently and do not forget my purpose, God (the universe) will recognize my readiness and naturally respond by doing its part

When we walk the middle way, we remember to practice and we practice willingly, but we also have confidence in something beyond the little self to assist in bringing us to truth. We don’t have lack of interest and we aren’t struggling like we have to bend the universe against its will. We have confidence that we are working in cooperation with God (the universe) in a joined will, one we are becoming fully ready for now. … God (the universe) was already ready.

My Thoughts
This tip from Regina is very encouraging to me because I do walk the middle way and my desire and willingness grow daily. I was just given the thought that I must not let my desire and willingness become my function. It is the way I achieve my function, but it can also become a goal in itself, a way to be comfortable as a seeker without ever taking that last step and becoming the one that found what she sought. I get that.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Gentle Healing Journal Day 72. 12-17-18

Journal for Day 72
LESSON 68
Love holds no grievances.

“To hold a grievance is to forget who you are.”

Holding grievances keeps us asleep dreaming of a life filled with hatred, fear, guilt, pain, and death. It keeps us afraid of a God that we imagine must be like us. There is not a grievance in the world that is so important to me that I am not willing to release it. I want to remember who I am. I want to remember God as He is, not as I have made Him. I want to wake up and go Home. I cannot do that holding onto a grievance.

I don’t think that it matters if a grievance feels major to me or if it feels like a minor one, any grievance is an impediment to my purpose. I don’t have any grievances that loom big in my mind now, I haven’t for a long time. The only way I can find a grievance now is to ask myself what I wish were different in my life. I wish I could believe my dear friend was safe.

So I guess I could see this as a grievance against my friend, maybe? It hurts my heart that he believes his addiction makes him less than he was. His depression scares me. Thinking about him makes me want to say something that fixes him. All of that is code that maintains the illusion and can be seen as a grievance. I don’t want that anymore.

None of this is real, not the story of Myron, and not the story of my friend. But before I can have the real, I must let go of the code for the fearful, guilt ridden illusion of the ego mind. I must accept the code for the Atonement that is represented by the happy dream in which I have no grievances.

I have tried to see his situation differently and have made great strides, and yet, I still hang onto the story as if it is real. I act as if this story having an ending I can love is my most urgent need. If I look at my beliefs about my friend and his situation as code, it is easier for me to be dispassionate about it. I wonder if this is the way I can finally see this differently.

Neither code is real, but one is more helpful and it is the only one that is in alignment with my purpose. I choose that code for my illusion. I am going to continue this practice, releasing the old code so that this new code can write a different story. I can imagine a truer story, one in which I see my friend as another part of the Sonship dreaming his way home just as I am, rather than a separate person, someone lost and suffering and possibly heading for tragedy.

To read about the Code:
https://awakening-together.org/the-code/

Regina’s Tips
Two specific parts of ‘What the Bleep’ are with me today as I contemplate Lesson 68, Love holds no grievances:

1 – Our brain processes over 4 billion bits of data per second, but we only aware of about 2000 bits of data per second. We select the data that is most related to our individual body, and pay attention only to that.

2 – At the quantum level, one thing can appear in many places simultaneously.

These have communicated in my mind in this way:
Our one awareness is the one observer. It appears to be in many places at one time—in many bodies at one time—but it is one awareness. However, at the experiential world level, when awareness sees through a particular body it biasedly selects only the perceptional data that it feels pertains to it. This is the limited individual point of view and the idea of ‘me’.

So as I contemplate, “Love holds no grievances,” it has morphed for me. “Grievance” is redefined as ‘limited and biased point-of-view’. In other words, “Love holds no grievances” for me today means:

Love—wholeness, or the awareness of totality as my Self—holds no limited and biased point-of-view.

As a result of this contemplation, my awareness is noticing and questioning ‘personal’ points of view today whether it appears to be a grievance or not.

My thoughts
That’s a really good point that Regina makes. I want to hold no grievances, but at the same time, I can look at it as my Self holds no limited and biased point of view.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Gentle Healing Journal Day 71. 12-14-18

Journal for Day 71
LESSON 67
Love created me like itself.

This lesson is giving me the opportunity to sink below the ego thoughts so that I can find the Self that I am. Just as it was time for me to do this, I received a call from my son. He had some concerns and wanted to talk about it. When he was done, I started to do the lesson but I could only think about my son’s problems. I was worried with him and about him.

Luckily, I have been listening to Regina Dawn Akers brilliant teaching, The Code.(https://awakening-together.org/the-code/) I used it to help me with my anxiety. I remembered my purpose which is the peace of God. Each thought that came into my mind was measured against my purpose. Did the thought that my son’s job was endangered and this was not good bring me peace? No. Then this was not a thought I had any interest in. It is just code, or as the Course would phrase it, this is just ego.

I did this with all the thoughts that came to me from that conversation. I love the fact that I can change my mind and in so doing, I can change the Consciousness and all of us will benefit from it. So, you’re welcome. ~smile~ I had a student afterward and then it was one thing after another until now. I am going to do this meditation again tomorrow. I am grateful for the opportunity to change the way I saw this situation this morning. This change will benefit me from now on. And, incidentally, the situation was resolved nicely.

Regina’s Tips for this lesson.
For beginning meditators, and on some days for seasoned meditators, step 1 takes some gentle effort. We need to softly work at not being lost in thinking. As today’s lesson recommends, we can repeat the workbook lesson to ourselves to remove attention from thought and to go back to being the inner astronaut. However, sometimes if we use the same idea too much to make this transition, the mind will begin to mindlessly repeat that idea while we are lost in thought at the same time…even while the idea is being repeated by the mind. When we notice this is happening, we can move to related thoughts. This will bring our attention out of being lost in thought, because it will take more attention (focus) to allow the related thoughts to come clearly.

Whether you are repeating the workbook lesson for the day or allowing related thoughts, let the words come slowly with space between them. Also allow as much space as possible between sentences, and move into exploring the inner environment during the space between sentences. This space between sentences may gradually become longer and longer until you are involved in the inner exploration and the sentences are no longer needed to ground your attention in meditation (or they are only needed from time-to-time).

My Thoughts
Perfect! Instructions for the meditation. Just what I need. I will give it another try tomorrow.

Second Day
The Code was helpful this morning. When I sat down to do the meditation, I had the usual distracting thoughts. I remembered that this was just code and that I was not interested in it. It came to me that we made code for the separation story and we also have code through Jesus, who is in charge of the Atonement, that is for awakening. It can be thought of as code for the happy dream.

It is easy to realize, thinking of it this way, that one cannot run two codes at the same time and expect to accomplish anything. It is just chaos to do this. I noticed code that said this is hard and I won’t succeed, that I never have. I noticed code that distracted with possible scenarios. I rejected all of that. I also noticed code that said I will succeed, that Jesus said he would never ask me to do something that I could not do. I noticed code that said it was just a matter of patience and consistent effort. That was helpful code. I stayed with it for as long as I could. I think I will try again later today. This is interesting. I like thinking of it as code because it depersonalizes it and so makes it easier to release what I don’t find useful and also depersonalizing helps me release the beliefs that make up a self.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Gentle Healing Journal Day 70. 12-13-18

Journal for Day 70
LESSON 66
My happiness and my function are one.

God gives me only happiness.
He has given my function to me.
Therefore my function must be happiness.

I fully accept this chain of logic. I have also witnessed the truth of it. As my commitment to my purpose has grown stronger, I am much happier than I ever have been in my life. I also find that I do not miss any of the other things I used to do in the hopes of finding happiness, so no sacrifice was asked of me. Nothing in the world is responsible for my happiness.

The ego wants me to think that my function here is to make decisions and win, basically. It thinks that things will make me happy and pushes its agenda. I remember when I was a sales person that I thought the best feeling in the world was getting a new customer and if I took my competitors customer that was a cherry on top.

What I quickly discovered is that what the ego gives, the ego takes away. The idea that I could take his customer left me open to the realization that he could do the same thing to me and so pleasure was quickly replaced by anxiety. My babies brought great joy and at the same time, great anxiety because what was given could be taken. This is typical ego.

What God offers is permanent happiness, happiness that does not vary or change in any way, and that does not come with a downside. What He gives is given completely and forever. If my happiness wavers it is because my dedication to my function wavered. This is a good way to stay on top of things. If I notice that I am not happy, I immediately look at my thoughts. What was I thinking that was not true?

Regina’s Tips on this lesson.
Every time you disengage from ego and bring your attention fully to the present, you are happy. You may make the mistake of thinking it was the fruit or candy (or hike or playing with your grandchildren, etc) that made you happy.

However, in actuality you are happy because you temporarily disengaged from ego, so there was nothing to block your natural state.

In the language of A Course in Miracles, the act of removing your attention from ego is called forgiveness. A Course in Miracles teaches that forgiveness is your function. Since disengaging from ego returns you to your natural state, our function (forgiveness) and happiness are one.

In order to see that this is true, pay attention to your experience. Notice that whenever you are not happy, there is a thought or story present that is driving your experience. Whenever you are happy, notice you are being present with your current experience and not caught up in ego ideas in that moment. By observing this in yourself, you will come to see that ego blocks happiness and happiness is natural when we are not lost in ego’s thoughts or perceptions.

My thoughts.
Regina, mentioned something I had not taken into consideration. She says that when I am disengaged from the ego, I am happy. This is because without the ego there is nothing to block my natural state, which is happiness. When I disengage from the ego this is forgiveness. I think her wording is helpful to my understanding.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Gentle Healing Journal Day 69. 12-11-18

Journal for Day 69
LESSON 65

My only function is the one God gave me.

I am fully committed to the function God gave me. I am the light of the world and the salvation of the world is my goal. Forgiveness is the way salvation is accomplished. In the past, I could not really see how I could save the world, but I accepted my function as best as I could because I trust Jesus.

Now I understand better. Every time I choose to forgive, the idea of forgiveness grows stronger in our mind. The idea of guilt grows weaker. As I continue to forgive, my mind becomes purified and I am prepared to awaken. Every time someone awakens, the mind is stronger. So, I am affecting everyone’s mind because everyone’s mind is part of the one mind.

It is not enough, though, that I forgive each time it occurs to me or every time I feel like it. It is not enough that I forgive most of the time. I must forgive every false idea that comes into my awareness. This is the way that I strengthen the idea that forgiveness is salvation and that it is the only way to salvation. It strengthens the idea that salvation is what we want. If I choose other goals, I am strengthening the idea that forgiveness is a good idea but not the only idea. I strengthen the idea that we can have illusion and Heaven.

Looking at my thoughts and paying attention to the emotional reaction to them, I see the goals I am holding onto that are in opposition to or a distraction to my only purpose.

I see the thought that someone dear to me is still vulnerable to depression and addiction and the emotion that I felt was anxiety. That means I have a goal other than forgiveness. I am recalling the vision I was given and I see myself as pure light aware of this situation and forgiving it because it is the only solution and my only purpose.

I want to lose weight and I want to be free of whatever thought it is that compels me to gain. The emotion I feel is uncertainty, and hesitation, so I don’t believe I can do it or I don’t want to let go of the underlying problem. Maybe I don’t want to look at it. Again, I recall the vision of light and this time I feel compassion as I forgive.

I overspent recently, and with the very tight budget I live with now, this is a problem. I am not obsessed with worry or anything, but I notice concern coming up from time to time and some anxiety around this problem. So this idea that I don’t know how I am going to pay that credit card off is another purpose other than forgiveness. But the solution, the only solution is forgiveness and I happily do so now. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds.

I can’t think of anything else right now.

Regina’s Tips for this lesson.
1 – Realizing total commitment to awakening by realizing truth is the only thing we really want.

2 – Seeing that mind’s thinking is filled with other goals & desires, which distract from our commitment to awakening.

As we’ve learned from both NTI Ephesians and The Code, the thoughts that show up in our mind and seem like our personal thoughts are not really ours. They are part of the code. They are made up by totality’s deluded fascination with the dream. As totality involves itself with dream-thoughts, more dream-thoughts become manifest. We experience those manufactured thoughts as ‘my thoughts’, but they aren’t what they appear to be. That means the goals imbedded in those thoughts are not ours either.

Ultimately, it also means that we are not the character/person those thoughts tell us we are. The entire thought-driven identification is a hoax.

My Thoughts
I understand that the thoughts in my mind are not my thoughts. They come from the Consciousness that we all share. This is why I am diligent to weaken the thoughts that are not true and to strengthen those that are. But it is also important to remember that if these are not my personal thoughts, the other goals I have enumerated are not mine either. They are just goals set by these random thoughts that I activated through my attention.

Knowing these goals are not “mine” makes it easier for me to let them go. I am not identifying with them now. It’s funny how different it feels when I think of it that way. When I thought that I must worry about my friend, it was hard to let it go. When I think that this is an idea that I noticed and decided to pay attention to, it is easier to release it.

This reminds me of what ACIM tells me. I can now ask for another way to see this. Or, staying with Regina’s language, I can allow a true thought to take its place. The only true thought is that of recognizing the hoax and choosing not to believe it. This leaves my mind clear so that I can know the truth.

Regina says it like this.
“My only function is the one God gave me.” That function is determining the difference between what is unreal and what I am, removing attention from what is unreal and abiding as myself. Ultimately, abiding as myself—being who I am—is my function.

As you look at thoughts today and tomorrow, try to see beyond the story being presented to the content of the thought. The content is the energy that the thought represents. Is it fear? Worry? Guilt? Unworthiness? Attack? Defense? Jealousy? Control? etc.

After you notice the content, ask yourself, “Is [content] what I want?” It will be easy to see it isn’t. Then you can genuinely go on to say, “This thought reflects a goal that is preventing me from accepting my function.”

My thoughts
I’ve looked at the content, the anxiety and doubt, the worry and fear. I know that I don’t want the content and so I can genuinely go on to say that this is a thought that reflects a goal that is preventing me from accepting my purpose of abiding as my true self. This is exactly the same as forgiving (undoing) the other goal and accepting my true purpose as my only goal.

Salvation is remembering the world is an illusion and my thoughts are maintaining it and so deciding to forgive all of that and be who I am.

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Gentle Healing Journal Day 68. 12-10-18

Journal for Day 68
LESSON 64
Let me not forget my function.

Today’s idea is merely another way of saying “Let me not wander into temptation.”

The purpose of the world you see is to obscure your function of forgiveness, and provide you with a justification for forgetting it.

“…every time you choose whether or not to fulfil your function, you are really choosing whether or not to be happy.”

Seriously, my function is to save the world through forgiveness. I was given a vision of myself as a light being that stood in place as the world of time passed by me. When I would become aware of a false thought, or an image that represented untrue beliefs, I would through the power of God in me undo that error. It didn’t matter where I saw it, in myself or in another, in a person or a situation, if it was false, it was my responsibility to forgive it.  It was a simple and joyful occupation of my time here and absolutely necessary.

I understand my function and I accept it. I also am aware of the temptations that pull me away from it. Sometimes those temptations are the belief in guilt, sometimes it is the desire to ruminate about the past or speculate on the future. Other times it is the temptation to occupy myself with mindless entertainment. But I make a conscious decision to stop or at least limit that kind of thing. The more attention I give my function as the light of the world, the happier I am and so the more I want to complete my function.

Regina’s Tip for this lesson.

“Let not the form of the decision deceive you. Complexity of form does not imply complexity of content.” Every decision is one of fear or freedom. To let the mind seek for a solution is to choose the perception of fear. To watch and see how spontaneity unfolds is freedom. Fear hides being. Freedom reveals it.

My thoughts
Regina had several helpful tips but this is the one that attracted me. Sometimes the story grabs my attention and I get caught up in its apparent complexities and overlook the only thing that matters which is the belief behind the story, the content over form. An example might be the recent Kavanaugh story.

There was a lot of complexity in this issue and many people were deciding what was true and what it meant if it was true. The ego mind likes to have an opinion about everything and thinks its opinion is valuable, and that is a form of ego distraction. I read some of the articles and I noticed how it brought up a lot of distress for some women.

I had a few thoughts about it pass through my mind, but in this case, I saw the underlying content, which was fear. Fear showed up as rage and disgust and conflict. I felt compassion for everyone involved. At the same time, I saw the situation as an opportunity for healing for everyone involved, so I did not see it as a bad thing. I saw my part as weakening those thoughts by not giving them my attention or my belief. That is a form of forgiveness.

© 2018, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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