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HOW AM I VICTIMIZED?

Thanksgiving was more meaningful to me this year than it usually is. I have so much to be thankful for. That I am still here after the hurricane seasoning is top on my list. In fact, my life is one blessing after another. My home is undamaged, my family safe, my town getting back to normal. My life is so good that you would think I would have trouble finding things to complain about, but not so. In fact, I was thinking about something just the other day.

I have a new vehicle. Having a new car is good, but I really don?t like the process of buying one. This time it wasn?t all that bad, though. However, after the purchase was complete, I realized that they had not included a package that was supposed to be part of the deal.

I wasn?t really that upset about not having the package which was designed to protect the vehicle long term, and I seldom have a car long term, but I was charged for it and felt like I had been taken advantage of. As I sat there fuming over the situation, I realized that I felt like I was a victim of an unscrupulous dealership.

Hearing myself think the word victim brought me up short. There is a lesson from ACIM that I have found very helpful. It says, ?I am not a victim of the world I see.? Since I started working with this idea, I have seen the value in it over and over. When I hear the word victim, my mind sends up a red flag, as it did this time. As I sat there thinking about how I had bought into the idea that I am a victim, I realized that I have done this too often lately. I laughed at myself as I thought. ?How am I victimized? Let me count the ways.?

Well this promised to be a long list as I recognized that I often feel victimized even though I don?t always think of it that way. Take the dealership victim story. I felt like a victim because I paid for something I didn?t get, and it certainly looks like this is the case. It did actually happen, after all. However, there is a difference in what happens, and how I feel about it. Sometimes I don?t have a lot of control over what happens. I do have absolute control over how I think about it, and how I think about anything determines how I feel about it.

Knowing this is true, I could try to change how I feel by changing the world. For instance, I could call the dealership and complain until someone did something about it. But changing the world doesn?t always work, does it? Maybe they would comply, and maybe they wouldn?t. It is not something I can depend on. I cannot have peace around anything if I cannot depend on it.

So a better way to do it is to work with the only thing that I do have control over, and that is my own mind. I can always change my thoughts. What I chose to do about the dealership was to forgive the whole situation. I had to do this more than once because at first, I didn?t mean it. I wanted peace of mind, but I also wanted to be angry with them. I can?t have both, so I had to choose. Finally, I decided that I wanted to be happy more than I wanted to be right.

This does not preclude taking action, but it does mean that I can act from a place of empowerment, and of love rather than of victimhood. If I am peaceful when I take action, I will make better choices. Since my goal in life is to extend peace and love, I have already succeeded regardless of what happens with my car.

There is definitely an attraction to victimhood. I always prefer that my problems be someone else?s fault. It requires vigilance on my part just to be mindful of when I do this. I am not going to take each individual instance and try to convince myself that I am not a victim. I choose to know that I am never a victim.

An interesting thing happened after I chose forgiveness in this case. A couple of days later, I received a phone call from Honda taking a survey on my buying experience. As part of the survey I told them about the package. They assure me that I will be getting a phone call from the dealership about having it installed. If they do, it would be great. If they don?t, I am not going to waste any of my life worrying about it. My goal is to have peace and happiness, and that is my only goal. I have no desire to be a victim.

There are many opportunities to reject victimhood. When my computer got a virus, I felt like a victim of the malicious actions of the person who created the virus. I could have stayed there blaming that person for my anger and frustration, but I chose not to be a victim. I gave my feelings to the Holy Spirit and asked Him to join me in this forgiveness process. I forgave the writer of the virus, the person who inadvertently sent it to me, and myself for my brief foray into victimhood. Asking the Holy Spirit to join me in my forgiveness process allowed any unconscious guilt I might be harboring to be healed at the same time.

There are clues to let me know that I am falling into the victim trap. If I blame someone else for what has happened to me, or for how I feel, then I am setting myself up to be the victim. That someone did do something to me is not the issue. I cannot change what people do. The issue is that what I feel or do is in my control.

Forgiveness is the process given me by God to awaken from the dream that I am at the mercy of the world. I am not. In the crucifixion in which Jesus forgave his tormentors, he was showing us that, even in the most extreme of circumstances, forgiveness is the answer. Did Jesus choose victimhood by blaming the Romans for crucifying him? No, he used it to teach that our only answer to attack is forgiveness.

Of course the hardest thing about giving up the victim stance is that I am left with no one to blame. Who is responsible for how I feel if the other person isn?t. Oooh! It must be me! No wonder I would rather be the victim. Who wants to be at fault? And how unfair is that? Someone does something to me; I feel bad; I am at fault? That?s not right! And yet, I cannot be happy as long as I am a victim. I get some small satisfaction from seeing someone else at fault, but that hardly makes up for my lack of peace, and lack of happiness.

So if victimhood isn?t the answer, why do we so often choose it? What?s the payoff? Well, for one thing, if someone else is responsible, I don?t have to do anything about it. If I am in pain because you treated me badly, then what am I supposed to do about it? You are the one who is to blame. You have to apologize, or in some way make up for your behavior for me to be happy again.

Isn?t this a common reaction in many relationships? Your partner takes her bad day out on you. You, of course, feel abused, and the victim of her bad temper. So what is more natural than to be angry with her until she apologizes? You have just put your feelings into her hands, and made her responsible for your well being. Not being responsible is the hook that pulls you into victimhood. And not being responsible is the pay off. If you are not responsible, you don?t have to do anything about it.

On the other hand, not taking responsibility for your own feelings is also the cost of victimization, because it leaves you in misery with no way out. Oh, you may have developed a system to manipulate her into accepting responsibility for your feelings. Probably a liberal application of guilt will get you what you think you need. But now you owe her because the guilt you seemed to have placed on her is making her miserable, and of course now you?re at fault. She is now the victim of your actions. What a vicious circle! And where does it end? The whole thing is insane.

It ends when one of you is sane enough to see what you are doing. Whichever one is most sane in the moment decides that the payoff of victimhood is not worth the cost. One person in the relationship decides to take responsibility for him or her self. This breaks the cycle. When anyone calls on the Holy Spirit to join them in forgiveness, then it is done. No more victim, no more perpetrator. No more need for someone to blame. It is never a question of who is really to blame. It is always a question of what do I really want? Do I want to be a victim? Do I want to find someone to blame, someone to make wrong, and so avoid the responsibility of taking action? Or do I want to be happy? What is my goal here?

If I choose happiness, the next step is easy. I decide that I am never the victim, and that forgiveness is always the answer. I form the habit of forgiveness, always inviting the Holy Spirit to join me in that process. After that, it is just a matter of making this my new way of doing things.  Like all habits, it only requires practice, and believe me, life will supply me with plenty of chances to practice.

We all play the victim sometimes, and we all play the victimizer at other times. What I propose is that we give up both roles. The only way for me to give up the role of victim is to forgive your role as victimizer. The only way for me to relinquish my role of victimizer is to stop seeing you as victim. I gladly forgive us both, because forgiveness through the Holy Spirit is my only ticket out of this mess. Because this solution is a ?God solution? it will work for both of us and it will work every time. Halleluiah!

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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No Compromise!

Salvation is simple, and when it starts sounding complex, a wrong turn has been taken. The ego thought system likes complexity because it confuses things and keeps us bogged down in the world. Simplicity keeps things clear, and makes it easy for us to choose the direction of our spiritual life. I have some few beliefs which hold true for me, and are important to my spiritual life. It is not important that I list my beliefs for anyone else. What is important is that I live by the ideals that I have chosen; that I not compromise those ideals.

The ego loves compromise because it keeps me from accomplishing my purpose. Compromise dilutes what would save me, and leaves me awash in a state of confusion about what is important, and guilt that I did not live up to my beliefs. Keeping my beliefs simple and keeping them forefront in my mind, helps prevent this.

The most basic of my beliefs has to do with love. God is love. While nearly all Christian theologies teach this most basic of tenets, do they stay true to it? Or do they dilute the message as they add more and more rules which must be followed-or else. Or else what?  Or else God will have to enforce, punish, do things which are unloving? If God is love, He cannot be unloving or He is not being Himself.

Soon even the very nature of God is called into question by followers who have, in their own minds at least, twisted reality to suit their vision of it, then reinvented God to reflect this false image. Instead of learning to see ourselves as an image of a God of love, we have tried to make Him into a God of hate; a punishing God intent on vengeance.

How do we get back to basics? How do we get free of this web of deceit we have accepted as truth? I choose to identify the few truths I know and to refuse to compromise on them. God is love. God is perfect love. God is perfect. I refuse to compromise on that. I will not see God as a punishing God because that would make God something that is not Love. It would make God less than perfect because it would mean that, in creating me, He made an error. God does not punish me because He knows He cannot make an error and so He knows I am perfect as well. Anything that shows me something that doesn?t look like this is a lie. God is perfect love. I will not compromise on this belief.

I will not see God as an abandoning God. The analogy presented in the Garden of Eden story has been used to prove that God abandoned His children; kicked us out; is mad at us. This interpretation sees us as guilty and in trouble, and no clear way to get out of it.

Let us re-examine this interpretation. This story, as interpreted by mainstream Christianity, suggests that Love created man as a flawed creature and then punished him for it. Where is the sense in that? Is God love? Is He perfect love? Did He create me like Himself? To accept this interpretation I must either believe that God is flawed, or I must believe that the popular interpretation of the Garden of Eden story is flawed. I will not compromise on my beliefs. God is love and I am created in His image.

Looking at my life, it is obvious that I have often chosen to believe I am something different from my reality as a perfect creation of a perfect God. Because that is where I put the power of my belief, my experience is one of an imperfect creation, as if I am really this vulnerable body, living in fear. Because God is perfect love, He allows me to dream this absurd dream for as long as I can stand the pain of feeling like I am separate from Him.

Yes, God so loves me that he created me with free will. I am free to will a hellish experience, but I am not free to make it the truth. What God created perfect cannot be undone by me. I am not my own creator. Because He is perfect love, God placed in me His Voice that calls me back to my Father and the reality of Who I really am, His holy child.

It is the Voice of God, or the Holy Spirit, Who reminds me that in order to remember who I am, I must start acting like who I am. I am love, just as is my Father. So, in spite of all the chaos that my insane thinking has caused, there is this compelling Voice which calls me to love. This is not the kind of love the world offers. The world would have me think that love is a bargain. You act in a way that validates my thoughts about myself, and I will love you. That is the world?s view of what love is. But God?s love is completely unconditional. Nothing I can say or do will affect God?s love for me.

God doesn?t need my validation. God doesn?t want anything from me, because God is complete and doesn?t need anything. This is the kind of love I need to practice. This kind of unconditional love, if put into practice, will awaken my mind to my reality. So this is what I am trying to do in my life. I am trying to practice unconditional love. The only way I can make this work, is if I refuse to compromise. The moment I start to compromise, my love becomes conditional, and so loses all meaning.

For love to be unconditional, it must be universal. In other words, I must love everyone in exactly the same way with no one left out. I cannot love your children less than I love my children. I cannot love my best friend in a way different that I love a total stranger. I cannot love you when you meet my conditions and then not love you when you ?sin? against me. I must love Saddam Hussein. I must love Hitler. I must love rapist, and killers, and thieves. I must love Buddhists, and Catholics, and all the people in every other sect. I must love them all equally.

Perhaps even harder than that, I must love my boss when he fires me, my husband when he is unfaithful to me, my children when they abandon me. I must love the one standing before me, no exceptions. If the person before me is loving me, then the only response would be to love him back. If the one standing before me seems to be attacking me, that person is just calling out for love, and the only response to a call for love, is love.

I was thinking about a time when Toby was just a toddler. He had a very volatile temper, and would lash out when he became frustrated. One time in particular, I remember him becoming frustrated with circumstances he did not understand. He tried to hit, scratch, bite, whatever he could do to express his anger. I knew that he wasn?t angry with me, and in spite of how it looked, he didn?t want to hurt me. He just didn?t understand what was going on around him and so he was expressing his fear of the unknown through anger.

This is something we all do at times. We tend to express our fear as anger and we lash out either physically or with words. Sometimes we bring it inward and it feels like depression. When Toby expressed his fear through physical attack, I didn?t hit him back. I wasn?t even angry. I knew that he was just asking that someone love and comfort him. The form of love he needed at that moment was for someone to put things right.

The only response for a child of God asking for love, is to love him. This is the same response appropriate for any child of God. This does not mean that one should accept abuse. I stopped Toby from hurting me, and then I addressed his needs.
If someone were physically attacking me, I would do what was necessary to protect myself, but then I would address the need.

I would love that person in whatever form would be appropriate. Sometimes it is an understanding word, an offer to correct what seems to be wrong, or just silent and intent listening. So often, people just need to be heard. It may be that the only loving response needed is that I not judge. Judgment is just as much an expression of fear as is attack.

What happens when we respond to attack with attack? War happens. It happens in our lives just as it does in our political world. War is not love and love is the only response I am interested in. I accept no compromise on this.

This would seem to be impossible, except that I am not inventing love, or manufacturing this love. I do not have to make myself feel this kind of love, I only have to learn how to allow it to come into my awareness.

Love is who I am. It was how I was created. There is nothing in me but love. If it seems otherwise, it is because I have put up blocks in my mind that keep me from being aware of who I am. My job now, as it says in A Course in Miracles, is to remove those blocks to my awareness of love?s presence. Once I remove the blocks, love will flow unimpeded without any additional effort on my part.

The way I remove the blocks is to practice forgiveness. I bring each and every unloving thought to the Holy Spirit and express my willingness to forgive. I ask Him to correct my thought. I simply want love, more than I want this grievance. I want love and the peace that love brings, more than I want the drama of the moment. I want love more than I want the other person to be wrong. I want love more than I want to be right.

It isn?t hard to do. It isn?t complicated. It does require great vigilance. But then, if I am not practicing love, what else do I have to do with my life except to live in misery, sprinkled with moments when I am not so miserable. It is said that Heaven is being with God, and hell is feeling separate from God. That means that I don?t have to be afraid of going to hell. It means I am in hell, right now. The way out is to awaken to my true reality. I awaken by listening to the Voice God gave me for that purpose. Awakening to my place with God, awakening to Heaven; is this something on which I can afford to compromise? I don?t think so.

 

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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A LETTER TO MY FRIENDS

Hello to all of you from down here in hurricane land. If you are wondering if the media reports about what is going on are overblown, let me assure you that they only begin to cover the horror of this illusion.

However, when we set up fearful illusions of this magnitude, we are giving ourselves opportunities of the same magnitude. We are giving so many of us the opportunity to forgive on a grand scale, and to do so repeatedly. As soon as the horror subsides somewhat, I am sure the finger pointing will begin. At the moment, everyone is giving from the heart and this is bringing people together. The problem is, a month down the road when the refugees are still here, still reminding us of our frailty and vulnerability, will resentment set in?

As it is going on in the moment, it is a challenge to be in the illusion while not of the illusion. The church I work with down here is assisting several families. It is a financial burden for such a small church with so few resources, but everyone agreed to do it anyway. A request for financial assistance was met warmly by many who are “seemingly” untouched by what is happening. (Thanks to all of you who are helping) I am seeing a coming together of the members of the church and an increased sense of unity and the importance of having a spiritual community. Everyone is stretching their spiritual muscles in many ways; the ways that seem lovely to see, as well as through the conflicts that arise.

As I became aware of all that had happened and continues to happen, I realized that I was feeling a lot of anxiety. I am doing 905 again and there is a meditation that I used to help me rise above. I am also becoming aware of how hard it is to stay in that place as I am daily confronted with so much misery, pain, and confusion. I think that if I remember to bring even half of these wrong-minded thoughts the the Holy Spirit for correction, I will experience a real time collapse, and come out of it much further ahead when it all ends. Please keep me and all of the others in your prayers. There is just as much opportunity for growth and blessings in this situation as there is for fear. We are helped to choose for God when we are supported by our brother in that effort. I feel so lucky to have the Pathways family to support me. If you would like to contribute monetarily to this relief effort please contact me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Love to you all,
Myron

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Hurricane Within and The Hurricane Without

This is a sermon I delivered at a local church after Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana and Mississippi.

I hear people talk about the hurricane and its aftermath. They are looking for some kind of larger meaning. I hear people say that it is God purging evil, punishing and testing his children. I do believe there is a greater meaning, but I know my God, and He is not a punishing God. God loves me completely and unconditionally. He loves me because He created me.

He does not need to test me. Because He created me he is certain of me, as He is certain of Himself. To doubt His creations, God would have to doubt Himself. Doubt is a human quality that we sometimes project onto God, but if we give it even a little thought we can see how patently absurd it is to see God as uncertain and doubtful.

As I look for the larger meaning of what has happened here, I see that what we experience in our outer world is a reflection of what is happening within ourselves, and within each of us is a little hurricane, brewing discontent. Each time we look with judgment upon a brother, the winds of this hurricane pick up. Each time we treat someone in a way we would not want to be treated ourselves, the hurricane within picks up momentum.

Every time we see someone suffering and look the other way, our own personal hurricane grows bigger. When we look at our brother and say he is wrong, he is different, he is less than, we sow the seeds of inner destruction. When we construct these invisible barriers that separate us from other brothers; he is from another country, speaks a different language, is a different color, has a different sexual orientation, goes to a different church, worships God in a different way, votes differently from me, watches movies and reads books I don?t approve of, raises their children differently than I do (the list is endless) we separate and make different.

God is not a god of separation and divisiveness. He is a God of unity and love. He is a God of inclusiveness. He made us in His image and so we, too, are meant to be united and loving and inclusive. When we see ourselves differently from the way God created us, the storm within brews.

God does not make hurricanes, or tsunamis, or earthquakes. God is not a murderer who destroys thousands of people. But God is in these situations. He is in this specific situation, and His presence brings meaning to what is happening to all of us. Because He is in this situation, we have His love and His comfort to sustain us. We have His strength to draw upon.

In order to calm the hurricane within, and to clean up the aftermath of these destructive thoughts, we only need to turn to our Father for help. We can bring Him our thoughts of separation and judgment, of guilt and fear, and He will lift us above the battleground of our inner turmoil. He will show us another way to think and to live.

In the aftermath of Katrina, we are given abundant opportunities to practice in the world the healing we want to effect within. We have the chance to give of our time, our energy, our money, and our spiritual support to those who now need us. If we are tempted to say that we want to help this one but not that one, we are given the opportunity to receive healing for that thought. Just as it rains on the just and the unjust, we send our love and support to all regardless of judgments we are tempted to make.

In this way we clean up after our inner hurricane as we clean up after the outer manifestation of that destructive force. There are so many opportunities for us right now. I don?t want to miss a one of them. When I see signs of bad behavior or seeming ingratitude, I have a choice in how I choose to perceive this. I can choose with my little ego and experience anger. Or I can choose with God and recognize these are a desperate and fearful people calling out for love in the only way they are able at this time. One choice feeds the next hurricane within, and the other feeds peace instead.

For those who have lost everything and are facing financial ruin, and perhaps have missing or lost relatives, there is a choice as well. Choose the unproductive path of anger and hopelessness, and certainly they won?t have to look far for justification for this choice, or choose for God. In choosing for God, they are choosing for life, for new beginnings, for another chance. In this choice they cannot fail for in God they have a powerful friend, because my God is an awesome God!

This is just as true for those of us who were not directly hit by the hurricane. At different times in our lives we are severely challenged. Sometimes it is through illness, or financial losses. Carolyn has shared with us her own personal challenge with her ex-husband, and we have seen how destructive that has been to her life. Some have experienced problems with addictions, or have relatives who have this challenge.

If you are in this life, you have or will have challenges. You, too, have those same two choices. Choose to hear the little voice of the ego talk to you about victimhood, blame, shame, fear and guilt, or choose to hear the Voice for God speak to you of strength, unity, abundance, power, and love.

Do not wait for circumstances that prove God is in your life, because it is your claim on Him that changes the circumstances in your life. Step out on faith, walk on water. Give God all the thoughts that speak to the littleness in life, and allow Him to replace them with His thoughts. Then step back and watch the miracles take place all over your life!

As the winds die, the skies clear, the water begins to recede, the real work begins. Those who came from New Orleans have come with little more than their lives and their faith, but it is a strong foundation on which to build. Those of us who were not directly involved are also touched by their plight. We are first reminded of our own vulnerability, and this brings our fears to the surface. We too, are left with work to do as we allow our fears to be healed and begin again with a clean slate.

What do we want to build on that slate? Do we want to build the same old thing? I don?t. I want to take full advantage of this opportunity to receive many healings. I ask the Holy Spirit to come into my mind and to correct my thoughts where they do not reflect the love I was created to be. And I want to use these outward opportunities to express this love. This is my practice. This is how I make my expression of love perfect.

I ask God, ?How might I be of service? What would you have me do?? There is so much to do I hardly know where to start, but I know that it is important that I do start. In the face of the horrible destruction and the seeming impossibility of dealing with the aftermath, assimilating the homeless and finding a way to help them get back on their feet, I start to feel helpless, to feel so overwhelmed. It also brings up in me my own fears of being vulnerable. If I stay hooked into the drama of what is going on, the fear will take over and fear always brings with it blame, hate and violence. How can I get past these feelings?

I read this from an article by Rev. Sue Borg of Salt Lake City: When our focus is on helping, our minds move away from fear and anxiety to a place of peace and clarity. There is no place where love and fear can exist simultaneously, so if peace is your goal, you must find a place to share your kindness and service and then watch how things change.
 

Once again, I have reason to be grateful to this church where I am given a place to do this, and the joy of uniting with others as I do it. I am grateful that I have the chance to give my time and effort to the hurricane victims. I am also grateful that I can share my peace, my joy, my spiritual faith with them and with all others God sends to me. The thing is, I cannot share what I do not have. So I must be mindful of that inner work, as well as its expression in the outer world.

It is very easy to become drawn back into the drama of what is happening around us. But there is a place I can be where I honor the story of what is happening, and yet I don?t believe in it. This is what Jesus showed us through the loaves and fishes. He saw that the people were hungry. He honored that need by supplying food, but he did not buy into their belief in lack. He used this opportunity to teach that there is no lack. He is telling us in this story that what we need will be supplied when we are faithful to our belief in abundance through Him.

So this tells me that I am to supply a seeming need, while keeping my faith that in spite of appearances, there is plenty. It is just as much my job to remain steadfast in my belief in God?s presence, in His Love, and in His power in our lives, as it is to gather supplies, prepare food, and write checks.

This seems to be a moment by moment job. My friend said something to me that is very helpful. She suggested that I not look too far ahead; that I ask of God, ?What can I do in this moment.?  She also reminded me that this works well in maintaining my peace as I remind myself that in this single moment, I can have peace. That has become my mantra.  As I center myself in God, I am peaceful and so I have tamed the hurricane within. Now I have something of real significance to give.

I invite you to meet the challenge before us. This is what Jesus taught us to do through many stories in the New Testament. Helping each other when we are in need is at the core of Christianity. Go to the civic center and volunteer for a few hours. Come here to see how you can help. Give of your time, your money, your prayers, of the many blessings you have been given. But most of all, do not buy into or support those thoughts and words of divisiveness and fear and hate that we are beginning to hear. Be true to your faith. Be strong in your faith. Allow God to work through you.

 

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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THERE ARE NO JUSTIFIED RESENTMENTS

I was listening to a Wayne Dyer CD yesterday and I heard something that was very helpful to me. He said that there are no justified resentments. That?s great isn?t it? There are no justified resentments. I love that it is so clear. It doesn?t say there are almost no justified resentments. It doesn?t say that most resentments are not justified, just that there are no justified resentments.

If I accept that statement as true, then letting go of resentments becomes much easier. I don?t have to decide which resentments to let go of. I don?t have to decide which resentments deserve my attention because they are just so justified. I simply accept that none of them are justified, and go from there. And why would I accept that statement as true?

I accept it as true because I want to be happy. If I have even one resentment in my life, I have given up my peace. I have placed my happiness in someone else?s hands. I have said that my happiness and my peace are up to you. If you will just apologize or act differently, if the world will just modify itself to accommodate me, then I can be happy. Well, good luck with that!

If, on the other hand, I am willing to take full responsibility for how my life is at this moment, then I can have peace; I can be happy. It is all in my own hands as soon as I acknowledge that there are no justified resentments.

The only problem with this is that I want to argue that there are a few of my resentments that seem justified. I mean, that person really did something bad to me. He did it on purpose and ruined my life. Actually, once I get to thinking about it, my whole life is just a string of justified resentments. Well, ok, there a few resentments that become a stretch as I try to justify them, but the rest are certainly justified.

That?s the problem when I try to justify any one of them, the rest ride in on its coat tail. And the simple truth is, no matter what anyone did to me, or said to me, or how the world treated me, it is entirely up to me what I do with that. I can bemoan what happened and feel sorry for myself. I can continue to allow it to poison me for the rest of my life. Or, I can accept that the world does what it does, and how I feel about it or choose to see it, is the only reality it has for me.

I can recognize that what this person standing in front of me says is not the cause of my unhappiness. I am not angry because of what he said. I am angry because of how I chose to experience what he had to say. In this way, I am entirely responsible for my life. I am free at any moment to change my mind about how I feel about what happens to me. It is that simple.

While it is that simple, it isn?t always that easy, I grant you that. I have a death grip on some of my resentments. I can?t let them go because I don?t want to. I would prefer to be right than happy. It is insane to think that keeping you in the prison of my blame is going to make me happy or do anything good for me, but there you are. I do it all the time.

Since I made the decision to be happy I have been systematically releasing resentments. As each one comes up, I let it go. I give it to God and I ask Him for another way to see it. No one is prying it from my clenched fist; I am choosing to open up and let it fall away. I tell you; such a weight is lifted from my shoulders when I do this.

Sometimes, though, I will hide a resentment from myself. I?m not exactly lying when I say there are no more resentments. It is more like I am just withholding the truth. If I never think about them, then they can?t really hurt me, right? Wrong. I was reading Conscious Loving by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. These two psychologists say that withholding is a form of lying and that, physically, it can show up in several ways.

? Tight throat
? Clenched jaw
? Headaches at the temples or back of the neck
? Held or shallow breath
? Tension areas between shoulder blades or in the forearms
? Fluttering sensations in the stomach
? Evasive eye contact

I mention these symptoms because the other day I got a chance to experience them all. I didn?t realize what was going on at the time, but when I read this book I was amazed at how accurate they were.

Mary had invited me to the AA convention in Beaumont and I agreed to go. At the time I agreed, I felt a slight flutter in my stomach, but put it down to concern that I would have to cancel appointments and free up an entire day to accommodate this plan. By the time I got everything all arranged and arrived in Beaumont, I was fine with it, and was wondering what it would be like.

Well, when I went in I immediately realized I was way out of my comfort zone. As I started walking through all the people there, I felt myself closing off, putting up my shields. I knew this was crazy, but I couldn?t seem to help how I was feeling. I kept trying to see it differently, and just got more and more uncomfortable.

This really made no sense. Why was I feeling so threatened? I tried to think it out and couldn?t. There was a speaker for Al-Anon and I thought that this would be interesting to me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have several relatives and many friends who are alcoholics and drug addicts. Even so, I have never been interested in going to Al-Anon, and had never attended a meeting.

If I had been really truthful with myself, I would have realized that it was more than a casual disregard that kept me from joining this group at some point. Well, we listened to a really nice lady who spoke very honestly about her experience as a wife of an alcoholic. She has been his wife for a very long time, and though it was a difficult marriage for much of that time, she loves her husband, and is very happy.

Those are the facts of what I heard, but my reaction indicated I was hearing something different. The more she spoke, the angrier I became. I didn?t know why. I just knew that I felt such resentment toward her, and now that I thought about it, I felt resentment toward the rest of the people in the room. What was going on? I was feeling all of those symptoms I told you about.

I couldn?t figure it out and I couldn?t really think about it. I was so busy keeping a tight control over my emotions that I couldn?t really think clearly. I just knew that I was going to have to look at this when I got home and could think again. I asked the Holy Spirit to look at it with me-later.

Well, later stretched on awhile. I kept myself pretty busy for awhile, but finally I couldn?t take the loss of peace any longer. I sat still and meditated. When I felt calmer, I asked the Holy Spirit to look at it with me and to help me see this differently. I took it a step at a time, and allowed myself to look closely at what happened, and to experience my feelings fully.

This is when I got a glimpse of some of those unconscious, deeply buried resentments. I remembered that I felt discomfort from the first moment I encountered the attendees in the halls. Why should I feel discomfort around people I don?t even know? The Holy Spirit helped me to see that I wasn?t seeing those people-I was seeing my fears. It was as if there were hundreds of people representing my fears rushing at me all at once. No wonder I was feeling overwhelmed.

Immediately, I got a picture of my father in my mind. Oh my, I thought I was through with that. I thought my dad was all dealt with and put away. I knew in that moment, I had been withholding the truth from myself. I felt such rage toward him. And the resentment I felt toward the people in the Al-Anon group, what was that all about?

The Holy Spirit helped me to see that they were bringing up for me the un-forgiveness that I was hiding from myself. That woman had forgiven and was happy. There was a part of my mind that was outraged that she had forgiven. Her story proved that she was fully justified in her resentments, and yet she had chosen forgiveness instead. Seeing this, I had to look at my own un-forgiveness toward my dad and also toward my ex husband, and what it was doing to me.

Ok, I thought I had fully forgiven these people, but I will just do it now. There, that?s done. Then I would see the face of the speaker in my mind, and it was like I put up my hand and said, ?Stop.? All the anger and hostility would rise up in me again. I tell you, I was really having issues with that poor woman! Every time I thought about her, I got mad.

I didn?t know what to do. This was just so disheartening. You think you have worked through something, and there it is all over again. I just couldn?t seem to get past my anger. I said, ?Holy Spirit, I just can?t do this. What am I going to do?? And the thought that came very clearly in that moment was, ?But you are not alone. I am with you.? I felt such a deep sense of relief flow over me.

I said, ?OK. I don?t know how to forgive this, but I am willing. What do I do?? He said to me, ?Nothing. You have already done your part. I will do the rest.? I just stood there and cried. I felt such peace.

After this, I saw that this had nothing to do with anything that happened outside of me. It had nothing to do with the convention, or the people there. I was no longer angry at that nice Al-Anon lady. I saw that it didn?t even have to do with my dad. My mom and dad came here to work on their forgiveness lessons, and that is what they were doing. I joined them so that I could work on my own. Why on earth would I resent them for providing the very circumstances that allowed me to do the work I had chosen to do?

I told my dad that I love him and that I appreciate him. I also appreciate that, all these many years after he died, he is still providing me with an opportunity to practice forgiveness, and to love unconditionally.

If I told you all the stories about my life living with an alcoholic father, and then with an alcoholic husband, I might convince you that my resentments are justified, but I don?t want to be justified. I don?t want to be right. I want to be happy. I want peace and joy. The world is just chock full of teachers, people who help me to see my own buried resentments, and so give me the chance to heal. I feel only gratitude toward them.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Hurricane Meditation

Complete Release Through the Restoration of the Sonship from 905

My mind is on Hurricane Katrina. I read this morning that the levies which keep Lake Ponchetrain out of New Orleans have been breached. I feel the sadness of the people who love that city. I feel the grief of those who have left behind their homes and everything they own, and may never return to. I feel my son, Toby?s upset over losing his first real home away from his childhood home, and the school he loves.

As I begin to do this meditation, I realize that this whole drama was created as a fantasy. It is an extreme and vivid way to make the illusion feel real. How very special are the people involved in this. How special, separate and unique. How special is the situation, and how separate and unique it is; very different from what is happening to other people.

This kind of drama on such a big scale, makes it easy to see how specialness works. As I am reading the accounts of Hurricane Katrina, I notice that I am buying into the specialness of New Orleans as a target; making us so very special because of special circumstances. It becomes so big in my mind that I am not interested in what happens in Alabama or Mississippi. There is even a sense of competition; they lost fifty people, but wait until the water goes down and we count the dead in New Orleans. I bet the count will be even higher.

As I realize how this is happening to me and I am sure to many other people, too, I can see so clearly how we use our twisted fantasies to support our belief in specialness-to make it feel even more real to ourselves. I also notice that the bigger, and more dramatic the illusion, the harder it is to remember that it isn?t real.

As long as we treasure our specialness and continue to support it with our fantasies, these special circumstances will continue to develop within the illusion. We cannot have more favorable illusions, gentle, sweet and precious illusions without also having the more dramatic, frightening, and devastating illusions. We cannot keep any of our illusions without keeping all of them.

I am suddenly aware that I have been counting my lucky stars because I don?t live in New Orleans, and this isn?t happening to me. But it is; there is only one mind. They are me, this is happening to me; that is to me as I am truly, when I am not experiencing myself as separate. So, my relief at not being literally part of the experience of living thru a direct hit, reinforces my belief in separation. It happened to them-how sad; it didn?t happen to me-how lucky. But there are no differences in us. The Sonship is whole; we are one, and it happened to all of the Sonship. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say this illusion was created by all of the Sonship-we made it and it is our experience.

As I think of the people who were directly involved in this experience, I am tempted to feel sadness and sorrow. In fact, not to feel these things seems cold and callous. But in truth, I know that they are not suffering and devastated people. In truth, they are still loving extensions of God. They are still in God?s Mind. How could they be in harms way if they are in God?s Mind? They can be in danger only in our twisted fantasies. My part will be to remember for all the truth of who we are, rather than to join in the illusion of separateness and make it stronger in our mind.

I see myself embracing all of these people who are experiencing themselves as separate, suffering individuals. I see myself embracing the mayor of New Orleans whose heart is heavy as he sees his beloved city drowning under the waters of Lake Ponchatrain and feels the helplessness of not being able to stop it. I see myself bringing comfort and reassurance to all parts of the Sonship as I know for them that we are all one, and that we are all really safely at home in the loving embrace of our Father.

Our sick fantasies, no matter how real and devastating we make them, remain fantasies. Nothing has changed. I am part of All, and so are you. In my body and within my own story, I continue to offer refuge to those who see themselves as harmed, but my real work is in holding the truth for them, and for me. Holy Spirit, please support me in this work. Please keep the truth firmly in the forefront of my mind. Please do not let me become distracted by the illusion of pain and destruction we have made. 

 

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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I AM HERE ONLY TO BE TRULY HELPFUL

A Course In Miracles has a prayer that begins; I am here only to be truly helpful. How can I be truly helpful? What constitutes true help? Have you ever had someone interfere in your life, and when you called them on it they said, ?I was only trying to help?? Have you ever been asked, ?How can I help?? only to have no answer because though you wanted help, you didn?t really know what would help.

A common mistake I have made is to think that it is truly helpful to fix people. I have spent my life thinking that it is my responsibility to fix everyone. I thought that this was being helpful, and a good person. I thought this gave my life purpose.

What I have learned is that when I see another person as needing to be fixed, this is wrong-minded thinking. Now I am learning to trust my brother, to know that he is not his actions, but rather he is perfect as God created him.

I have learned that if I truly want to be helpful, then the most useful thing that I can do is to hold him in the Light. By holding him in the Light, I mean that I never lose sight of his wholeness, of his holiness. I know who he is. He is God?s perfect child. In God he is mighty.

Does this mean that I pretend he is not facing a challenge? Do I turn a blind eye to his pain?  No, I honor his story. Yes, he is experiencing himself in pain and I know what that feels like. I know how real it seems and how difficult it is to move out of it.

At the same time, I don?t join him in his illusion by making it real. I don?t believe in his illusion. I don?t believe that this person is a weak, vulnerable creature in need of outside help. God knows how strong and perfect we are. He does not reach down and move us out of the sticky traps we have put ourselves into, because He knows we don?t need Him to do that. If He did this for us, He would be saying that we are weak and needy. If God did believe this about us, it would be true.

Something that I learned listening to a set of tapes by Tom and Linda Carpenter is that anytime I am counseling someone, formally or informally, the moment I think I know the answer, that I know how they can fix this, this is the moment I back off. I know that I have put the ego in charge. I step back, and ask the Holy Spirit to take the lead.

One thing I know for sure-I don’t know what I am supposed to say or do. This is why I always ask Spirit first. I surrender my need to be in charge and to be right. As I do this, I am also releasing my attachment to the outcome. My son called me the other day to tell me that he is having trouble with his landlady, and can’t figure out what to do about it. As he told his story, it did indeed seem that he was justified in his anger and confusion.

He has a window in his apartment that opens from the outside and, for security reasons, he wanted to put some kind of lock on it. She didn?t want him to, and all of her reasons for not doing so were unreasonable. She has such an odd way of looking at things that one doesn?t know how to talk to her. It left Toby feeling confused and vulnerable.

I could easily have joined him in this perception of what was happening. In fact, that is exactly what I did at first. I looked at what seemed to be going on, and saw that his landlady was being unreasonable, and that she was a threat to him. I saw my son in a position of vulnerability and I looked for ways he could defend himself. I made some reassuring comments, and some suggestions on how he could get the upper hand.

As we said goodbye and I put the phone down, I felt uneasy with my response. At first I didn?t realize why. I just knew that I didn?t feel peaceful with what I had said. I asked the Holy Spirit to show me where I went wrong. I was reminded of a message I had recently heard on one of those tapes by Tom and Linda Carpenter. Tom said that any decision made should be of benefit to all. 

What could Toby do or say that would fit that description? I asked the Holy Spirit what I could say that would be truly helpful to Toby and to the landlady. I called Toby back and told him that I had a different answer for him. I don?t remember exactly what I told him, but it was something like this. I suggested that he recognize her behavior for what it was; fear. As a matter of fact, Caroline, his girlfriend, had already noted this, and so he had been thinking about it. When people are fearful, calmness and kindness is a better response than retaliation.

I suggested that even when she wasn?t around that he might think of her as she really is, that perfectly created child of Light and Love, and that he could use this time to practice seeing past her fearful actions to the truth of her. This is holding her in the Light. It is the best prayer we can have for someone. It is the solution that benefits everyone.

As we see others we see ourselves. If I think you are lacking in some way, I am teaching myself that I too, can be lacking in this way. What is possible for you is also possible for me. I don?t want to teach you that you are something I don?t want to be. So as Toby is learning that unreasonable is what his landlady is doing, not who she is, he is at the same time teaching himself that neither is he the errors he makes. They both remain as they were created. This is a win-win answer.

I was given a spiritual response and so that is what I gave him. What I told him felt right, but I had no attachment to the outcome. It was not the quick and easy answer I am sure he was looking for in the moment. He listened with interest, but I am not sure he will do it. That?s ok, I fully trust Toby to make his own decisions. Even when he makes decisions that cost him in some way, I trust that these errors are just stepping stones to the place he needs to be.  I fully trust him to do just that. I love him enough to allow him to do that. Whatever Toby needs to do to learn his lessons is what I want him to do. This is holding Toby in the Light. The way I can be most helpful to him, in any circumstance is not to be sure he does what I say, but to believe in who he is, and to never mistake what he does for who he is.

Sometimes I feel the need to fix someone because, while I hate to see her suffer, I also recognize that a lot of that pain I feel is caused by my own projections. I see that person doing what I have done in the past and what I am afraid I will do in the future, and I hate that she is mirroring my own nightmares back to me. I even find myself feeling resentment toward her when what she mirrors for me is particularly painful. But on the other hand, I am also able to feel gratitude that I am being shown what needs to be healed in myself, and so can now ask the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking on this.

When someone I care about found herself in desperate financial straits, I wanted to do something to help her through this. The problem was, I didn?t have the kind of money that it would take to do it. Every time I would think about what was happening in her life, I would feel anxious. I kept taking it to the Holy Spirit and asking for another way to see it.
The next morning as I was once again feeling anxious about the situation and asking for help seeing this clearly, I found my mind wandering to my own finances. I was doing OK, but I started thinking about what would happen if I suddenly lost my job, knowing that I am not financially prepared for something like that. What would I do? How would I cope?

Ah, now I understood why I was having so much trouble seeing my friend?s problem clearly. The Holy Spirit was showing me that she was being a mirror in which I could see my own fears plainly-fears I didn?t even realize I had. Now, with this new clarity, I could ask the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking. With my thinking on the subject healed, I was able to see her as healed as well. I was able to be truly helpful to her.

My job is to allow healing for myself. As I am healed, I will be a blessing to the other people in my life. I cannot bless them in this way unless I first accept healing for myself. When they see how happy that makes me, they will just naturally want it for themselves. It is not my job to correct anyone; it is only my job to model for them what has been corrected in myself.

So, when my motivation to help someone flows from a feeling of discomfort, I can recognize that the discomfort is my own, not theirs. When my friend told me that her husband was getting drunk and acting out violently, I felt a flash of anger. I was angry at him for his behavior and at her for staying there and putting up with it. I stepped back for a moment and asked the Holy Spirit why I am feeling so much anger.

I was shown that when I looked at my friend?s situation, I was seeing my own past vulnerability. I saw myself in a similar place and felt my fear and frustration at the situation. I remembered how long I stayed in it and felt stupid. I never want to be in that situation again, and here is my friend showing me how easy it is to get caught up in it again.

I can see that I am not really reacting to my friend; I am reacting to my own feelings. My motivation is mixed. Sure, I want my friend to be happy and safe, but I also want to protect myself from what she is reflecting back to me. My friend is the mirror in which I see something about myself that I don?t like. My secret dark heart that I don?t want anybody to see (including myself) wants to reach out and smash that mirror. Instead, I become invested in trying to fix her so that I don?t have to look at what upsets me.

The solution I chose was to look, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and with complete honesty at what I was feeling. I owned all my feelings, even the ones that I felt embarrassed or ashamed about. I then asked the Holy Spirit to correct my wrong minded thoughts and so to heal my mind.

Now I will have something real to offer my friend. If she sees my joy and my peace she may be motivated to get out of her present situation so she can have that, too. If she is not, then I know that it is OK. I have planted a seed, and someday it may take root. In the meantime, I will do my part and hold her in the Light, knowing the truth about her until she is ready to acknowledge that truth herself.

So how can I be truly helpful? Let me read you the rest of the prayer:

I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say or what
to do, because he who sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing
He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.
                          ACIM T-2.V.18:2-6

I can be truly helpful by getting my little self out of the way and allowing God to direct me.

 

 

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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