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Outside the Box

Outside the Box

I’ve been working on 908 Abundance Awareness. I have gained so much from doing this Pathways course. Of course, I always say that about all of the courses, but there is an idea in this one that is particularly helpful to me. The course talks about the ego process of solving problems on its own by bringing the past to the present, and how this guarantees the problems will keep coming. The course talks about how solving problems within the box (the ego belief in separation) doesn’t free it from the box, which is the problem; and then talks about how we need to go outside the box (to the Holy Spirit).

That whole concept has really caught my imagination. I am a very visual person and perhaps that is why this works so well for me. I decided to start using this process with some of those stubborn problems that won’t seem to go away. Weight loss is a good example. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I’d solved that puzzle, just to see it pop up again.

I decided that every time I felt guilty for eating something, or worried about what the scale reads, or concerned about how something fits, I would step out of that box. The way I do it is to first become aware of when I am thinking about weight. I’ve done it for so long that I have become unaware of my thoughts. It is sometimes like background noise; I hardly even notice the worrisome concerns.

Every time I am aware of these weight concerns, I see myself sitting in a box, which is a problem to solve, and I am surrounded by puzzle pieces. It is a familiar puzzle. I have put the pieces together many times. I’ve sometimes thought I had finally hit on a design that I really liked, one that would work for me; but, ultimately, I would find myself back in the box, pieces scattered around me. I started to examine the pieces and found some that fit together to create a low fat diet that I was once convinced was my savior. Then I found the pieces that created a picture of me exercising; weight dripping off me with the beads of perspiration. That one was especially ill conceived and very short lived.

I found all sorts of diet variations in the pieces; all stuff I picked up from women’s magazines and health publications and crazy stuff from other desperate folks. Oh yeah, there’s the popcorn diet. I remember that one. I found out one cannot survive on popcorn alone. Oh my, all those pieces; all those parts of my past. No matter how I put the puzzle together; no matter how I rearranged the pieces, nothing ever changed. I’m still imprisoned in this weight box.

As I dig deeply through all of the available pieces, I find some of my mom. As I put them together, I see a picture of her expressing her own fears of weight gain; the same fears that she learned from her mother. Weight gain seems to run in our family and with that, the fear has been passed down from one generation to another. The sins (errors in thinking) of the mother will be visited on the children?  I see that this is probably the basis for the thinking errors that helped form my box, and as long as I keep going back to the past for my answers, I am going to keep running into this wall.

The problem is obvious. Nothing from the past is going to help me change the future. It is just going to keep me in the problem, and all that I have to work with in this box are pieces from the past. So, since nothing from the past has worked, and there doesn’t seem to be anything in the box to help me, I decided to seek help outside the box. I asked the Holy Spirit to look at this with me. I asked Him to show me another way to see this. I asked Him to correct my thinking and heal my mind. I expressed my willingness to give up all my past beliefs and all my preconceived notions about how it ought to work. I confessed to the Holy Spirit that I don’t have the answer in my box.

I have had to go through this process a bunch of times. I have found it surprisingly difficult to give up the idea that I can do it myself, in spite of all the evidence that I can?t. Playing with those puzzle pieces has become such an ingrained habit that I find it difficult to give it up. I keep climbing back into my familiar box. Now that I’ve looked at the possibility of being out of it, I find it cramped and uncomfortable, so I don’t mind going through the process again. Often, once I start experiencing some success, I automatically try to take over and I wind up back in the box. Just tonight as I was leaving the restaurant, I started shifting through the puzzle pieces to see where the meal I had just finished fit into the puzzle. Then I remembered my willingness to give this to the Holy Spirit, and thanked Him for the reminder. I am grateful that I almost always remember to turn it over to Him. I?m pretty excited about this, because, I realize that while the size and shape of my body matters only in the illusion, which, by definition, doesn?t even exist; using this problem to practice following the Holy Spirit?s guidance is essential. In the Manual, page 70, it says, ?Do not, then, think that following the Holy Spirit?s guidance is necessary merely because of your own inadequacies. It is the way out of hell for you.

I notice that when I see myself in that particular box, it no longer seems as real to me; as if the sides of the box shimmer uncertainly in the light. The Holy Spirit whispers to my heart that soon I will see they are gone altogether, and I will know they never really existed except in my own mind.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Gift

The Gift

I learned something about myself around this whole surgery thing. The surgery was for a hernia repair. It was supposed to be a simple day surgery, quickly in and out, a week or so of recovery to get back on my feet. And that is exactly how it went for about ten hours, and then I passed out and hit the floor.

I have never passed out before this. I was sitting down when it happened. At first I just began feeling very odd, as if someone was dimming the lights. I felt strangely disconnected from my body. This was one of those instances when everything seemed to be in slow motion. I had a number of clear thoughts and I?m pretty sure it happened more quickly than I am remembering it.

I first wondered what was going on with my body, and recognized that something pretty odd was happening. I wondered if I had taken too many pain pills. I mean, who puts a person under the influence of narcotics in charge of their own dosing, anyway? With that thought I wondered if I had over dosed and maybe I was going to die.

At first I felt a sense of panic at the thought, and I started a detour into fear. Then, just as suddenly, I thought, ?Well Ok, if it is time, then it is time. I don?t know how I feel about this.? And just as I very often do in everyday life (you know, every day life, when I?m not thinking I?m going to die in the very next moment!), I gave it over to the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to be in charge. I surrendered my efforts to think. I surrendered my desire to judge what was happening, or even what should happen.

As the physical process played out in my body, I felt stranger yet, but I had become an observer watching it happen. I was interested, but no longer emotionally attached to the outcome. I had called on a higher power, and as odd as it seems under the circumstances, I felt at peace with the situation. When I came to on the cold tiles, I wondered why I was sleeping on the floor, and a brief experiment with lifting my head convinced me that I wasn?t getting up on my own. Fortunately Toby was home taking care of me and with Sheryl and Archie?s help they got me to the hospital where I spent a couple of nights.

A friend and I were talking before this happened. I was saying that I think I am finally getting over my fear of death, but how could I know for certain until it happens. Thinking that I may be close to dieing gave me a chance to evaluate my progress. But, more important to me, is that I now know that my vigilance in bringing everything to the Holy Spirit for His interpretation rather than my own, has been working. Even in a moment of acute fear, I remembered Who I wanted to follow. I feel very humbled by this experience and very grateful. I also feel motivated to redouble my vigilance.

I would never choose surgery and losing consciousness as a learning experience. But, as long as I am inhabiting this body and living on this planet, things are going to happen to me. Some will be less enjoyable than others. What is true about everything that happens is that I have a choice about what I want to do with these experiences. I can choose to whine about them and bemoan how unfair life is. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and wonder why everything seems to happen to me. I?ve tried all of the above, by the way, and haven?t noticed that any of these choices has added joy to my life.

The other choice I have is to accept the gift each new experience brings me. Perhaps you?ve read Illusions by Richard Bach. In it he says, ?There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.? If I am having trouble seeing past the pain and discerning the gift, I ask God for clarity. Each lesson, each gift is a precious opportunity to move closer to my original state of grace. That is what they are for. I don?t want to overlook a single one.

 

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Discovering the Source of my Strength

Discovering the Source of My Strength

Another thing I learned while in the hospital had to do with strength. One of the worst parts of being in the hospital is how weak it makes me feel. There is a sense of vulnerability that is inherent in everything about a hospital stay.

First they take your clothes from you and dress you in an open gown that leaves you with little modesty and no dignity. They decide everything for you; what you eat, what medicine you will be taking, when you are allowed to get up and what you are allowed to do.

If you are having a procedure done it will probably be a mystery to you. You don?t know what they are going to do to you or if it will hurt, or, more likely, how bad it will hurt, or for how long.

If it is an invasive procedure like surgery, your body will feel assaulted and will require time to heal. During that time the body feels very weak and especially vulnerable. You hate for anyone to come near you and want to protect the injured site.

The body weakness can go on for a long time. A week after the surgery I drove to the doctor?s office to have a dressing changed and I wondered how anyone could get so tired just driving two miles and walking into an office.

While still in the hospital, I lay in the bed feeling both weak and vulnerable and thinking how unpleasant and unnatural these feelings are. There was nothing I could do to alter the circumstances of my life at this moment, but I could change my mind about how I was feeling about them. I asked the Holy Spirit to come into my mind and heal my thoughts. I could feel discomfort around the surgical sight so I put my hand on it. This reminded me that I could do a LaHo Chi treatment on myself. LaHo Chi is an energy healing method I had learned recently and this seemed an ideal time to practice it.

I began with a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to join with me in this healing. As I asked for healing I could feel the familiar warmth and tingling begin in my hands and then spread around my affected organs and move outward over all of my body.

Afterward, I felt better and I realized something very important. My body may have been temporarily weakened, but I am not my body. I am spirit and spirit is not weak. It doesn?t matter how weak my body is, my spirit is unchanged and is as God created it; perfect, whole, and powerful.

After that experience I lost that feeling of being weak and vulnerable. Sure, my body is experiencing these things as part of the healing process, and I intend to give my body all the rest and supplements needed to support it as it heals. That doesn?t mean I am going to identify myself with my body.

When I get into my car, I am surrounded with a protective shield of metal. It takes me places quickly and comfortably. I am very grateful to have my car, but I never think of myself as being my car. I never think when my car is broken that I am broken. I don?t identify with my car.
My body is a useful instrument for living on planet earth. I appreciate it and am glad to have it. The problem comes when I start to identify with it. I start to think I am my body. I forget that I am spirit. Just as I get out of my car at the end of the trip, when I am at the end of this life, I will step out of my body.

I had surgery to correct a bodily problem, but I had a healing of another, more important kind. I recognized that I was feeling something other than joy and I chose to change my mind about it. I brought those thoughts to the Holy Spirit and he healed my mind. He showed me that my strength is not dependent on my body, that my strength does not come from my body. He showed me that I am not my body.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Monster Within

The Monster Within

Since I had my surgery, I?ve needed a lot of help. At one time, it would have been hard for me to ask for help. Heck, it was even hard for me to accept help that was offered. I always hated to ask people to go out of their way for me. I?ve always hated to ask for favors. That?s odd, really, because I?ve never hesitated to do favors for others; I just hated asking for favors. What I noticed this time, is that I have been much more comfortable allowing people to help me.

I think there is more than one reason for this change. First, I have learned that helping others brings me joy. I?ve always been one to pitch in and help if asked, and sometimes without being asked. So you would think I?d already know that helping others brings joy. I believe, though, that in the past I was not helping others for the sheer joy of helping. I had ulterior motives.

I helped so that people would like me and think well of me. I helped, sometimes, because I didn?t know how to say no. So, instead of feeling the joy that could have been mine, I was feeding my ego. What a hungry ego it was! Enough is never enough. It seemed the more I fed it, the hungrier it got. The more praise and admiration I garner for it, the more it demands just to, temporarily, quiet the hunger pains. I would never satisfy its ever growing need to be adored.

I may have started out motivated to feed the monster within, but it became a real chore. Sure, at first the ego seemed pleased with my offerings of respect and friendship, and it whispered to me of how loved I must be. But, the glow of satisfaction would fade with the murmurings of gratitude, and I would be left feeling empty and bereft of love until I found another opportunity to feed my ego.

It was much like the phenomenon of taking a drink for the pleasant feeling it brings. It seems such a lovely gift. Then you discover that it takes two drinks just to experience the same glow. When the glow is gone- how dark it seems.

It started out innocently enough; I feed the ego with a little praise such as the compliments my boss tosses my way for giving beyond the call of duty. Then I add some gratitude for a favor done for a friend. It was only a mild inconvenience to me, and it pleased her so much. There was a nice glow from my ego as I laid these offerings at its altar. When the glow faded, I was uncomfortable in the seeming darkness left behind, so I found more food for my ego. Soon it seemed that I was trying to feed an elephant with a tablespoon. That?s when I started feeling resentful.

When someone would ask a favor, I would say, ?Of course, how can I help?? In this way I would gather the praise and gratitude needed to keep my monster within fed. But, beneath that would be the carefully controlled anger and resentment; the feeling of being taken advantage of, of not being appreciated for myself, but only for what I do.

The problem was that the more I fed my ego, the more it grew until I forgot there was anything else. I began to believe that I was my ego. I identified so completely with my ego that if I didn?t continue to satisfy its ever growing appetite, I thought I would cease to exist. But behind that ugly monster there was the true me-the me that God created. This Divine Spark created by God to be like Himself, glows eternally. While I can ignore it and act as if it is not there, I can do nothing to extinguish it. I had become so busy feeding the monster that all my attention was focused on it,and I forgot there was anything else to see.

As I started working with the Holy Spirit to return my focus to my spiritual self, I was able to see that Divine Spark, and, lo and behold, it wasn?t really what I would call a spark at all. It was an ever expanding light that filled my mind until I began to identify with it instead of with my ego. This light showed me that I don’t need to be adored. I am adorable whether anyone notices or not. I don’t need anyone to accept me, love me, respect me or be impressed by me. I am already all of those things.

I was talking about this with my friend, Carrie. We were discussing how to tell the difference between joy and pleasure. We decided that joy is of the Holy Spirit. It is ours anytime we want it, and it doesn’t go away as long as we choose it. Pleasure, on the other hand is of the ego. It feels good for awhile, but doesn’t last. When it is gone, there is an emptiness that feels painful. If I think I need to be adored and I get that kind of feedback, it feels good for as long as it lasts, but when it is gone, it feels awful. Since it seems to be outside of me, I can never be sure of getting it back, and that is scary. Even while I am being adored, I cannot really enjoy it because I know that I can lose it at any moment. So if I want to choose joy instead, I just bring everything that isn’t joy to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to heal it for me. It isn’t complicated or hard.

My ego still begs for scraps, and sometimes I feed it, but it is just an old habit, and I can see myself giving it up entirely someday. Now I don?t believe I am that needy, grasping person. When I give, I give because of the joy it brings me, not to feed the monster within.  So, when I need help from someone during my recovery, I ask for it. It takes nothing from me to ask for help, and what I understand now, is that giving truly is a joy. I am pleased to give my loving family and dear friends the chance to experience that joy for themselves.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Choose the Good Thoughts

Choose the Good Thoughts

If I had to choose a single idea (or perhaps the first idea) that helped me to change my life, it would be that my thoughts are powerful. Anthony De Mello says that you are what you think. When your thinking changes, you change. I know that this is true. Thoughts are how I create my world and because I am constantly experiencing thoughts, I am continually re-inventing my world. Mike Dooly, author and motivational speaker says, ?Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones.?

This is an excellent reminder to me that my mind is my territory. I do have total control over what I think. I had abdicated that seat of power for a long time, but now I have reclaimed it. For many years I acted as if someone else was in charge of my thoughts. For instance, I decided that the reason I used to suffer from low self esteem was because of the way I was raised, because of the things that were said to me when I was young and impressionable. I could recall plenty of evidence to support this theory. I accepted this evidence as proof that I was unalterably lacking in some fundamental way.

When I began to grasp this brilliant new idea, that I had control of my thoughts and that my thoughts are powerful, I started to question the long held belief that who I had become up to this point was unchangeable. I started using my thoughts to change who I was. When I showed signs of low self esteem such as thinking I couldn?t accomplish a task or that I wasn?t as good as other people, I would stop myself. These thoughts and emotions are based on beliefs that I formed growing up. They are just beliefs, not facts. Even the so called facts they seemed to be based on were really just someone else?s perceptions; their way of seeing things, not really facts at all.

I learned that my low self esteem was caused not from what was said to me, but rather, because of my belief that they were right in what they said. That belief was a choice, and I could change my mind about it. I did not have to use someone else?s thoughts as my own. I could choose new thoughts; thoughts that would serve me.

So, what were those new thoughts to be? I needed thoughts that were more in line with the truth of who I am. I know that God created me perfect. I know that I am a thought in the Mind of God. I know that God is all there is, so I am part of God. I live and move and have my being in God. I know that in my creation God looked at me and said I was good. I know that God created me like Himself in His own image and after His likeness. I know that what God has done cannot be undone. I know that my mind is part of God. I am very holy. I am God’s Son, complete and healed and whole. These are facts!

There, does that sound like someone who can?t accomplish? Does that sound like someone who needs to feel less than others? I think that?s a pretty impressive resume in anyone?s book! My everyday thoughts about myself, however, were not always so lofty. Still, they were my thoughts and so I could change them. I learned to turn to the Holy Spirit to be my guide in this. After all, I was the one who had gotten myself into this state and so I hardly seemed to be a good choice for getting me out of it. I was like an explorer wandering lost in the jungle. If I wanted out, I would need a guide. Since God placed His Voice in me to guide me back to Him, I would be foolish not to use it.

So, how did I get started on this? Well, to be honest, pretty slowly; in stuttering fits of starting and stopping. After all, I had spent most of my life like a balloon in an air current. My emotions were up, then down, pulled here and there; all seemingly with no control from me. I didn?t just change that over night.

I started with easy stuff, using my thoughts to manipulate form. I would choose some goal that seemed beyond my reach. At one time, we owed the IRS a lot of money. I chose paying off the IRS and never owing them again as one of my first big tests of this theory. I can?t say that I really believed in it. I owed them so much money and I had so little with which to pay. But, I did believe in the idea that it might be possible. God met me where I was. He sent me lots of good ideas through other people and through books by people who had already accomplished what was brand new to me.

I was new at going to the Holy Spirit for guidance, but I did the best I could and that was all that was necessary. Every time I would be tempted to look at that crushing debt and think that I would never get free of it, I would recognize that thought as self defeating. I would give it to the Holy Spirit and ask him for a new thought to use instead. He gave me thoughts like, ?I am so excited to finally see the end of this debt.? Or, ?I am glad that soon I can use this money for things my family needs, instead of paying it to the IRS.? I did get that debt taken care of much more quickly than I had any right to expect. What was really neat about it though, is that all the time I was working on it I was learning that my thoughts are truly under my own control. When I would feel helpless and hopeless, I would stop those thoughts in their tracks. It required persistence, but that?s OK. I can do persistence.

I practiced controlling my thoughts through working with form for awhile. I would think of something I wanted or thought I needed and I would visualize having it. I would practice going to the Holy Spirit for inspiration. I would bring him my discouraged thoughts and my fearful thoughts and let Him heal them for me. It was a good way to practice because I was able to break it down into little easy steps, and to see the end result so readily. It helped me to make choosing good thoughts a habit in my life.

It has become such a good and permanent habit now that I use it all the time. I don?t use it just when I need something specific. It?s like house cleaning. My mind has many rooms and like my home they tend to get cluttered if I don?t keep them cleaned out. Sometimes I just sit with God. I imagine in these quiet moments that He is washing the rooms of my mind clean of all the thoughts that do not serve Him. Sometimes there will be specific thoughts that I take to His Voice and ask that they be healed.

When I sit down to compose a message to share with you, there is sometimes the little voice from childhood trying to undermine my efforts with doubts and fears. Perhaps you?ve heard that little voice in your head sometimes. You know the one; it says, ?You can?t do this. What do you think you are doing? What if you fail? What if you say the wrong thing?? These thoughts don?t mean anything anymore. They are just echoes from a time when I didn?t know who I was. I have cast them out and stripped them of their power. Anytime they try to get back in, I give them back to the Holy Spirit; silly thoughts, foolish thoughts, meaningless thoughts.

My thoughts are my own. I will choose the good ones. I choose thoughts that support love. Fear doesn?t support love. If I feel fearful I know that behind that fear is a thought that is causing that emotion and so I look in my mind for that thought. Perhaps I am afraid of failure. Perhaps I am afraid of a compulsion I think I cannot control. Maybe I am afraid of not being accepted. I look for the thought causing the fear. It is at this level that I have control. I then look behind the thought to the belief. I think I can?t succeed because I believe I am unworthy of success. I am strangled by my compulsions because I believe I am weak. I am afraid of being rejected because I don?t believe I am loveable. It is at this level that the Holy Spirit heals my mind. He teaches me that none of these things is true because none of them is in accord with the Will of God.

If I want to take conscious control of where my thoughts are taking my life I must watch my focus. I must think about what I want, not what I am afraid of. Remember the passage from Philippians 4:8? It says: Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things.

So, I am encouraged to focus my thoughts on the good things in life. Does this mean that I should deny that something troubling is happening? Should I pretend that terrorists didn?t attack? Should I act as if it didn?t happen? No, of course not, but neither should I spend hours scouring CNN for possible threats. I know that it happened once. I know that it can happen again. I do not, however, need to keep my focus there. I can choose, instead to think of other things, useful and lovely things. What? Do I think that the terrorists are just waiting for me to quit looking so that they can attack again? I doubt it. It is tempting to look at what I am afraid of. But, as the Bible says, that which I fear is what will happen.

I remember a story I heard from Tony Robbins. He was telling about his experience with race car driving. Tony had always wanted to race cars, but had not been able to do so. Finally, he decided that, while he couldn?t do it for a living, he wanted to at lease experience it once. So, he took lessons because he didn?t want it to be the last thing he experienced! The driver who was instructing him, had Tony get his speed up pretty good. Then he took him around the track, next to the wall. It seemed to Tony that the faster he went, the closer he got to the wall. He began to think that the wall was going to be the last thing he saw in this life. He just couldn?t take his eyes off it and it was looming larger and larger as he moved closer to it. Finally, the instructor got through to him and Tony heard him say, ?Don?t look at the wall!? It was very hard for Tony to take his eyes off of the wall, but at the last moment, he did look away and when he did, his hands automatically followed his eyes and he moved away from the wall and into the middle of the track. Tony said he never forgot that lesson and neither did I.

It matters where I focus my attention. I will focus my thoughts on what I want, not what I am afraid of. If I sat around thinking all of the time about what could happen if the terrorists strike again, they may as well save their time. They don?t need to strike in order to ruin my life. I have done it for them by focusing on the fearful and frightening, and so I make my life a fearful and frightening thing.

I was reading an article by Alan Cohen. He told this story. A man went to visit a friend in his country home. In the middle of the night, the man got up to go the bathroom and found a huge deadly snake coiled up on the floor ready to strike him. The next morning his host found his guest dead on the floor next to a coiled up piece of large rope. The fellow died not of a snakebite, but of fright. He was just as dead as if the snake had been real. His murderer was not the snake, but his own mind.

Nothing can hurt you unless you give it power with your thoughts.

Another example of how focus works is when an addict wants a drink. If he sits around thinking about how badly he wants to drink and how hard it is not to drink, what do you think will happen? If, on the other hand, he chooses to go to a meeting he will change his focus. Now his thoughts are on not drinking. Changing his focus can make all the difference in his life.

Thoughts are powerful. We have total control over our thoughts and so we have total control over our lives. We can use this powerful force for good if we so choose. One step at a time we turn our lives around as we take conscious control of our thoughts and place that contol under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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I See the Christ in You, My Friend

I See the Christ In You, My Friend

I have a dear friend. If she were to describe herself to you she would probably say she is a recovering addict. When I look at her, I don’t see that at all. I know she is recovering. But I also know that while that may be what she is doing, that is not what she is. From the moment I met her, I knew she was a teacher of God, and that is all that I see. When she calls to express her frustration at not being able to apply forgiveness in a particular circumstance, I talk her through it, but I never, for an instant, think of her as anything less than a teacher of God. Sometimes she gets down on herself and we talk about it, but nothing she says about herself alters in any way how I think of her. I think that must be close to what it means to see the Christ in someone. Certainly, that is what I mean when I say I will pray for you. I mean I will hold the light of certainty until you can join me in it.

Someone else I love very dearly is deeply depressed. This is not the first time it has happened, but this time it is different for me.  I have been very concerned, just as I was before when it happened. This time, though, I am not feeling afraid and helpless. I am not praying frantically for a miracle to make everything right. I am not feeling pressured to fix her life for her.  She is just as depressed as she has ever been and I love her just as much as I ever have. The difference is that I have a certainty about who she is.

I have examined my own feelings in this very closely because it seems strange to me to feel so differently than I have in the past. My ego wants to know where the fear and panic are and keeps inviting me to return to the familiar. But I can’t. I know this woman is a Son of God. However she chooses to learn her lessons in this illusion, nothing changes that. “And what if she chooses death while you stand around and do nothing,” my ego taunts. Of course I know that is a possibility, and if it happened I would grieve for the rest of this life. I would so miss having her precious body and personality here with me, but I no longer believe in death and I know that I can’t really lose her.

I have taken reasonable steps to help her through this crisis. I wish she were more open to my help and that I could say something to her that would help her to see things differently. But perhaps that is my lesson in all of this. What I say to her is not nearly so important as the light I hold for her. Perhaps it is my part to just know with absolute certainty that who she is is unassailable, and that nothing she can feel or do will change it.

I have always been a fixer. When someone or something is broke, I waste little time on lamenting it. I just start looking for ways to fix or replace. My first thought is always, “What do I need to do to make this right.” It seems strange not to react in that way, and I have to remind myself that I’m not slacking off. I have to remind myself that while doing has a place in the illusion, knowing is reaction of a higher order. My gift to this woman is my knowing who she is. I give that gift gladly. I gladly accept it’s gift to me as I move through the dream in peace.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Little Easy Steps

Little Easy Steps

There is a song I like a lot. It?s called Little Easy Steps. I like this song because it reminds me of my spiritual practices. Each practice is a process made of many little steps. I told you about my grandson’s experience at his school in my last entry. With help from the Holy Spirit, I was able to forgive myself and the school. That forgiveness process is a good example of how I can take many little steps and finally get where I want to be. When I first heard about Julian?s problem at school, I got angry. I knew that wasn?t where I wanted to stay, but I couldn?t just move from anger to forgiveness in one giant step. My legs aren?t long enough, so to speak. So, I took it one small step at a time. I started with a willingness. True, it wasn?t much of a willingness at first, but it was all I had. God doesn?t need much. He just needs for me to offer Him what I have. Remember, he only needs faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. My anger felt like a mountain, that?s for sure. It felt like a mountain sitting on my chest. That?s why I had to get rid of it.

So I offered God my willingness to see the situation differently. Pretty soon I was entertaining thoughts that maybe the teacher wasn?t a demon from hell. I considered that a good start. It was a tiny step, to be sure, but a step in the right direction. When I got comfortable with that new idea, I moved on to the next step. Next, I decided to reconsider the conspiracy theory I was working on. Maybe the entire school wasn?t ganging up on my darling grandson. This step didn?t take as long. All this time I?m gaining spiritual strength through prayer. I am asking the Holy Spirit to heal my thoughts. It has become something of a mantra for me.

Anytime I am practicing forgiveness, I am doing God?s work and He sends me all the help I need. I have the Holy Spirit which God placed in me to be His Voice. I have His angels who look after me and cherish me. I am heartened by these thoughts.

Another tiny step brings me closer to forgiveness. The Holy Spirit whispers in my heart that my grandson is in His care and that he is invulnerable and so am I. This, He tells me, is my lesson and what I am to teach, not through words, but with my actions. And so I understand that by showing others I am invulnerable, I am teaching them that they are invulnerable. This kind of invulnerability comes only through Love, which is another name for God. I cannot express my invulnerability through fear because fear is not of God.

Another small step takes me nearly to forgiveness, as I receive the vision of all the people involved as little children striking out in terror, trying to defend what they think they need to feel safe. Then the Voice for God gently reminds me that everything is either love or fear. If it is not love, it is fear no matter what it seems to be. In my heart He said to me, ?This is your brother calling out for love. Can you respond with anything but love??

And finally, the last tiny step brings me to forgiveness. After much healing, the Holy Spirit is able to show me the face of Christ in each of my brothers. Now I understand that I don?t have to grapple with their behavior, trying to make sense of what is nonsensical. I was never going to succeed at that. I don?t have to look at what they did and see that they were wrong and then give them forgiveness they didn?t deserve. I am simply going to look past all of that and see that the teacher is not what she did. Behind the mask of what she did is the child of God, perfect as He created her. And, that is forgiveness.

It took me a while to get there one small step at a time. But I noticed that after the first step, each step got easier and as each step brought me closer to forgiveness, my steps quickened in anticipation. I think the next time, I won?t take quite as long. One thing I learned during this process is that if I hold someone prisoner to guilt, I, who am their jailer am prisoner with them. I had been saying to the school, you are guilty of making me miserable and of making me afraid for Julian. In order to keep them guilty though, I had to be constantly on guard with new accusations or they might escape their just rewards, which meant I had to be constantly miserable and afraid or they wouldn?t be guilty of anything. Good grief, no wonder I felt so good when I forgave.

I was thinking of another spiritual process where I used the one tiny step method; praying. I pray differently now than I used to. I started out like a child asking a favorite uncle for a gift. I would tell God what I needed to make me happy and ask Him to supply it. If it didn?t fall in my lap, I would try to wheedle it out of Him. If that didn?t work I would try making bargains with Him. If I didn?t get what I had asked for I would feel bereft and wonder why God didn?t love me when it seemed He loved others.

My first step past this childish attitude toward God was to understand that you cannot bargain with God and that you do not need to beg. God does not want our subservience. He wants only our love. But there were still times when my prayers seemed to go unanswered and I still felt afraid that there must be something wrong with me.

I took another small step which brought me a little closer to real prayer. I lost a lot of my fear of God. I began to believe that God really did love me and that He never wants sacrifice from me. He doesn?t think I ask for too much, but rather, too little. Also, I began to realize that often I was asking for things when what I really wanted was love and comfort.

My next small step showed me that I could trust God. I began to believe that when I learned how to ask for what I needed, it would be provided. I saw this happen, though not consistently, and I yearned to know why it wasn?t consistent. I knew it had to be something I was doing. I knew that God wasn?t inconsistent because, well, because He?s God.

Finally, I took one more tiny step and understood that I was asking God to fix things for me and then telling Him how to do it. I was telling Him I was lonely and then telling Him who to send me. I was telling Him I was needy and then telling him how to fill that need. And I wasn?t doing a very good job either. Sometimes I would get what I asked for, but I know it wasn?t from God, because God gives perfectly. Now when I pray, I bring my needs to God and lay them at His feet. I trust that He will provide exactly what I need. I trust that He doesn?t need my advice. I don?t believe God deals in form. He is not Santa Clause. I would wake up every morning and check my desk and, no, there wouldn?t be a laptop there. But, when I laid my need at His feet, sans advice, He gave me a terrific idea and now I have a laptop. God deals in ideas and inspirations.              .

It was important that I take it one step at a time because I was not ready for the last step until recently. Before that, I did not trust God enough to just turn things over to Him. I was still too full of fear. But, each small step I took, brought me closer to that truth. I can trust God. Which reminds me of another spiritual practice where I had to take small steps. I had to learn where to look for answers. Like most people, I was taught as a child to look to myself for answers. I was encouraged to become independent and to be careful not to depend on anyone else. As I grew older and matured, I learned to follow this advice. Like some other lessons I learned as a child, this was not helpful.

I had to unlearn some things. I associated maturity with independence. Now I had to learn to become as a little child and turn to my Father for guidance. He meant for me to have His guidance in all things, and so placed His Voice in me as the Holy Spirit so that I would always have access to It. It took many small steps over many years before I would return to my natural state and become as that little child again.

My first steps were all about coming to realize that I wasn?t ever going to make consistently good choices. It finally dawned on me that I would have to know everything there was to know about all facets of every situation. And further, I would have to know how any action I chose to take would affect every person involved now and in the future. It?s truly amazing that it took me so long to figure out I couldn?t do this.

My next steps were all about finding an alternate plan. I knew that I wasn?t doing a very good job of making decisions, but I didn?t know what to do about it. I tried giving the job to a variety of persons that, for some reason, I felt were better equipped for the task, but found they tended to fall into one of two categories. Either they were willing to make my decisions for me and were not any better at it than I was, or they were too wise to take on the job.

When I finally figured out that God had this covered with a plan of His own, I was more than ready to listen, but I had forgotten how. These were my next small steps. I had to relearn how to hear the Voice for God. This was pretty frustrating at first. I spent a lot of time asking God why He made it so hard. I understand now that He didn?t make it hard; why should He? He wants me to succeed. It was my stubborn resistance to giving up my pitiful independence that was making it seem hard.

I am still taking small steps in this direction. I have gotten much better at remembering to turn to the Holy Spirit and much better at listening to His answer, but I have a ways to go yet. The Holy Spirit is very patient and very gentle with me. If I am resisting His help, He waits until I am ready to listen. If I don?t understand what He is trying to tell me, He finds another way to get the answer to me. He sends His answer in a comment on a forum, or through the Course or, through a group discussion,  or a book or even a movie.

I remember a friend telling me once about his frustration at not being able to figure out God?s Will in a particular situation. He had asked and absolutely knew that God answers all His children when they call. But some part of him must have been resisting the answer because he wasn?t getting it. ?Finally,? he said, ?I just told God that I wasn?t doing anything until I heard from Him.? He then got into his car and took a ride hoping the solitude would break something loose. He stopped at a red light and there on a bumper sticker on the car in front of him, was the elusive answer to his quandary. He had to laugh out loud at the beautiful absurdity of it all.

I know how he feels because I can be just as dense and Spirit doesn?t seem to mind. He works with me where ever I am. He uses whatever is available to answer my questions. All I have to do is ask, and give Him whatever willingness I have, to hear His answer. He will work out the details. It?s very simple really, no matter how complicated it may seem. I have only two choices. I can choose to follow my own ego or I can choose to follow Christ. Once I make that choice, the rest will work itself out.

I had been thinking that my strength lay in my independence, in relying on my small self. That is false independence, weak and unsure, built on unreliable sources. What I am learning now is that my strength lies, not in separation, but in unity; unity with my God and unity with my brothers. I can choose my teacher and I choose the Holy Spirit.

Intellectually, I accept that I am a Holy Son of God. I accept my unity with all that is. I accept that I am not my ego and that my seeming life in this body is an illusion. Intellectually, I am glad of it. But, it is taking many wonderful, easy little steps to reach an awareness of all this that goes beyond the intellectual. I am on my path. I am taking those steps. I am grateful for all the help I am given. I am grateful that my destination is inevitable. I am grateful.

 

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