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Study of Text, Chapter 9, V. The Unhealed Healer, P 1. 2-18-15

V. The Unhealed Healer
1 The ego’s plan for forgiveness is far more widely used than God’s. This is because it is undertaken by unhealed healers, and is therefore of the ego. Let us consider the unhealed healer more carefully now. By definition, he is trying to give what he has not received. If an unhealed healer is a theologian, for example, he may begin with the premise, “I am a miserable sinner, and so are you.” If he is a psychotherapist, he is more likely to start with the equally incredible belief that attack is real for both himself and the patient, but that it does not matter for either of them.

Journal
When I was in college, I had a breakdown, which I think of as so much ego pain and suffering that I broke under it. I went for therapy and in the process, the therapist helped me to see that all my problems were my mom’s fault. My ego self was enormously relieved. Here I thought I was the one who was responsible and had no way of changing it, so I was doomed. Then this lady helped me to see that, yes, I was screwed up and had made some terrible mistakes, but then she showed me how it was caused by my mother’s behavior. The relief I felt was very temporary because nothing was solved. She encouraged me to shift the blame so that I didn’t feel quite so guilty, or at least that I was not born flawed. However, now the problem is real and there is no solution.

I got through the rough spot, and went on thinking I was damaged but surviving, taking solace in that I was able to cope and even improve my ego. Of course at the time I didn’t know that there was anything but the ego. In perfect timing I found A Course in Miracles and I learned about the ego and that I am not that. I learned about forgiveness and through forgiving myself I was able to forgive my mother for what she had not done. It is funny when I think about it now, but not so much while it was happening. From my present perspective I can see that the therapist was an unhealed healer, doing the best she could under those circumstances. I doubt I could have heard anything else at that time in my life anyway, so she was the perfect solution for me at that time. She relieved the pressure long enough for me to survive the pain and reach a level of spiritual maturity that made real healing possible.

If a friend or a student comes to me with a problem, and I try to help them find a solution within the story, I am making the same mistake. I am making the problem real and then trying to help them change the problem so it is not so painful. For instance, a friend had a relationship problem and wanted me to look at it with her. I did so, and I could see that there were some basic communication skills that would help solve this problem. I did share that information with her, but if that was all I had done, I would have been helpful only in the short course of things. Instead I helped her to see her projections and we talked about withdrawing those projections and allowing her mind to be healed so that she could perceive the situation differently. This helped her to see that it was not a real problem, but simply a misperception. I did not add to her fear that the problem was real, but helped her to see it was just an error in thinking that was easily solved.

There was a time I could not have done this because I had unhealed relationship issues of my own. When a friend asked me to help her with her relationship problem, I could see myself getting sucked into the story because it was too similar to the story I had going. I believed her problem was real because I believed my problem was real. I could not offer her help because my mind was clogged with unhealed beliefs and so I could not receive guidance about what to say. I suggested someone else who could help her. I then asked the Holy Spirit for help in healing my mind of these misperceptions so that I could be helpful in the future and with some work, this was done. That way when someone else came to me I was a healed healer and could be truly helpful.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgivness, P 12. 2-17-15

IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgiveness, P 12
12 Behold, my child, reality is here. It belongs to you and me and God, and is perfectly satisfying to all of us. Only this awareness heals, because it is the awareness of truth.

Journal
In the end this is all that forgiveness does. It allows the truth to be true in our minds. We choose to be aware that there is only God and we are part of His Mind. I can choose to allow the sense of Oneness that we are all a part of, and when I do the world as I have known it falls away for the moment. This happens when I give myself to this writing in the quiet of the early morning. I feel the connection with Spirit, with Jesus.

It happens when I set aside all else and join with a student to do our course together. It is sharing from the heart, and joining in purpose that brings the truth into awareness, and with truth, joy. Sometimes it happens at random moments as I set aside whatever the ego mind was focused on and allow myself to join with… well, with anything, and in that joining, comes the sense of being one with everything.

In those moments, what have I forgiven? I have forgiven the belief that I could be alone, separate, not part of all that is. I have forgiven the very idea of separation in whatever form I imagine it. I have forgiven the idea that I could ever be separate from my Source. I don’t yet stay in this purified awareness, but each time I experience it, even for a brief time, I yearn for its return. It is my desire that brings it to me, but my desire is not always for peace.

It is astounding to me that I still choose the illusion at all, and yet I spend a lot of time there. I believe a fear thought and I am right back in the muck of separation beliefs. I become angry or frustrated over the smallest things, and I have lost the awareness of the presence of Love that had been mine just a moment before. These things don’t just happen. They require my active decision to place my awareness on them rather than on reality. This is what I forgive. And the return to peace is what forgiveness brings me.

I become angry about a situation, I place blame on a brother and hold a grievance, I become afraid of the future or regretful of the past. These are all ways in which I avoid reality. None of these behaviors or feelings in any way affects reality, but they affect my experience of it. Regardless of my experience, though, reality remains reality and is always available to me. Forgiveness has revealed to me my desire for reality. Now I am only learning to master this choice. I do so every time I realize I have chosen illusion over truth and choose again. 

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgivness, P 11. 2-16-15

IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgiveness, P 11
11 The impossible can happen only in fantasy. When you search for reality in fantasies you will not find it. The symbols of fantasy are of the ego, and of these you will find many. But do not look for meaning in them. They have no more meaning than the fantasies into which they are woven. Fairy tales can be pleasant or fearful, but no one calls them true. Children may believe them, and so, for a while, the tales are true for them. Yet when reality dawns, the fantasies are gone. Reality has not gone in the meanwhile. The Second Coming is the awareness of reality, not its return.

Journal
It can be hard to remember that this experience we are having is a fantasy, an illusion, a dream. It is hardest to believe this when things are going badly. When we are afraid it can be very hard to pull the mind away from the story long enough to allow the Holy Spirit to purify our thoughts. But this is the time when it is most helpful to ask that the mind be healed. As we do this, we are remembering that the only thing that matters in this world is that we use the story to learn it is yust a story.

It can be very exciting to realize that we are at this moment a part of the second coming. This is what we are doing as we study the Course and put it into practice in our lives. For eons of time we have had the experience of being unreal, but reality did not cease simply because we ignored it. The second coming is the awareness of reality. We will stop ignoring reality as we remove our attention from the illusion.

This is no small thing that we do. As I go through the day I will have many false thoughts and many illusory experiences. I can indulge all of this, throw myself into the story, and pretend that it is reality. I can feel excitement, boredom, fear, love, depression, all the emotions that are fed by the story. I can live a life without purpose.

Or, I can remember today that I am ready to wake up. I am ready to truly seize the day, to use each opportunity to see differently. I can give my confused thoughts to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to show me a truer perception. Every time I do this I feel more like the eternal Divine Being that I am. Each time I do this, I heal the mind that we all share and each one of us comes closer to the moment of awakening. That is living a life of purpose. 

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgivness, P 9. 2-12-15

IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgiveness, P 9
9 The ego literally lives on borrowed time, and its days are numbered. Do not fear the Last Judgment, but welcome it and do not wait, for the ego’s time is “borrowed” from your eternity. This is the Second Coming that was made for you as the First was created. The Second Coming is merely the return of sense. Can this possibly be fearful?

Journal
I am ready for the last judgment, or at least I am ready to be ready. This is why I pay attention to my thoughts and to the world I have brought into manifestation. I want to see what it is that I still value in the world, and what it is in my mind that still needs to be healed. I am slowly forgiving myself for my projections, and in doing so I am releasing this tight grip I have on guilt. This is what I mean when I say that I accept the Atonement in a situation. I want to allow the belief in guilt to be removed from my mind, at least in a particular case, so that I can come that much closer to releasing the belief in guilt altogether, as that is my real goal.

This will prepare me for the Last Judgment, because as long as I still see myself as guilty, I will be afraid of it. In doing this, I am learning that the Holy Spirit could only judge me as innocent, because, in spite of my fear, and in spite of appearances, I am innocent. There is nothing I can imagine that will change His judgment of me. In forgiving myself, I am not doing it so that I can stand spotless before God. I am already spotless. I am forgiving myself of the belief that I need forgiveness. If I cannot see my own innocence, I cannot see myself standing before Innocence, and will continue to put off the Last Judgment.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgivness, P 8. 2-11-15

IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgiveness, P 8

8 If you have no idea what is happening, how appropriately can you expect to react? You might ask yourself, regardless of how you may account for the reaction, whether its unpredictability places the ego in a sound position as your guide. Let me repeat that the ego’s qualifications as a guide are singularly unfortunate, and that it is a remarkably poor choice as a teacher of salvation. Anyone who elects a totally insane guide must be totally insane himself. Nor is it true that you do not realize the guide is insane. You realize it because I realize it, and you have judged it by the same standard I have.

Journal
I am convinced that the ego is a poor guide and I have learned to vigilant for the ego’s attempts to be the guide. I have learned to discern the difference between the ego’s guidance and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I still hear the ego and I still follow ego sometimes, but I regret it when I do and I always change my mind. It came as a little surprise, however, when I read the last two sentences. I have always realized the ego was insane? I thought I just learned that. I guess I was hiding that from myself because I wanted to keep playing its game.

Actually, I guess the only reason I ever listen to ego even for a brief time is that I am being offered some bit of the game that still amuses me, or that still holds some value for me. Here is something I am noticing; the more I release the idea of guilt, the less interest I have in the ego thought system. What seems to follow naturally is that fear then begins to fall away. Let’s see, if I choose Holy Spirit as my guide, I will respond appropriately, teaching love and helping my brother to wake up, or at least certainly not holding him back.

If I choose Holy Spirit as my guide, I will live a happier life, free of regrets and disappointments. I will be peaceful and filled with joy regardless of what seems to be happening in the story. If I choose Holy Spirit as my guide, guilt will cease to attract me and fear will fall away. Or I can choose ego as my guide and keep the status quo. I can go on pretending to be master of my miserable little universe, making images that I pretend are creations, born of the twisted desires of an insane mind, and suffering the consequences, And all the while I can pretend I am the victim and this was done to me.

Hmm. Join God in unending blissful creation, or join ego in pain, suffering and death. Which one will I choose today?

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgivness, P 8. 2-11-15

IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgiveness, P 8

8 If you have no idea what is happening, how appropriately can you expect to react? You might ask yourself, regardless of how you may account for the reaction, whether its unpredictability places the ego in a sound position as your guide. Let me repeat that the ego’s qualifications as a guide are singularly unfortunate, and that it is a remarkably poor choice as a teacher of salvation. Anyone who elects a totally insane guide must be totally insane himself. Nor is it true that you do not realize the guide is insane. You realize it because I realize it, and you have judged it by the same standard I have.

Journal
I am convinced that the ego is a poor guide and I have learned to vigilant for the ego’s attempts to be the guide. I have learned to discern the difference between the ego’s guidance and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I still hear the ego and I still follow ego sometimes, but I regret it when I do and I always change my mind. It came as a little surprise, however, when I read the last two sentences. I have always realized the ego was insane? I thought I just learned that. I guess I was hiding that from myself because I wanted to keep playing its game.

Actually, I guess the only reason I ever listen to ego even for a brief time is that I am being offered some bit of the game that still amuses me, or that still holds some value for me. Here is something I am noticing; the more I release the idea of guilt, the less interest I have in the ego thought system. What seems to follow naturally is that fear then begins to fall away. Let’s see, if I choose Holy Spirit as my guide, I will respond appropriately, teaching love and helping my brother to wake up, or at least certainly not holding him back.

If I choose Holy Spirit as my guide, I will live a happier life, free of regrets and disappointments. I will be peaceful and filled with joy regardless of what seems to be happening in the story. If I choose Holy Spirit as my guide, guilt will cease to attract me and fear will fall away. Or I can choose ego as my guide and keep the status quo. I can go on pretending to be master of my miserable little universe, making images that I pretend are creations, born of the twisted desires of an insane mind, and suffering the consequences, And all the while I can pretend I am the victim and this was done to me.

Hmm. Join God in unending blissful creation, or join ego in pain, suffering and death. Which one will I choose today?

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 9, IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgivness, P 7. 2-10-15

IV. The Holy Spirit’s Plan of Forgiveness, P 7
7 The confusion of functions is so typical of the ego that you should be quite familiar with it by now. The ego believes that all functions belong to it, even though it has no idea what they are. This is more than mere confusion. It is a particularly dangerous combination of grandiosity and confusion that makes the ego likely to attack anyone and anything for no reason at all. This is exactly what the ego does. It is unpredictable in its responses, because it has no idea of what it perceives.

Journal

Oh my goodness! Do I ever know this is true! The ego thinks its job is to forgive and all it winds up doing is hiding hate behind “kind” words, and creating feelings of resentment at the sacrifice made. It is no kind of forgiveness, really, and what winds up happening is that the anger buried behind the so-called forgiveness rears its ugly head again and catches me by surprise. I wind up saying something I regret, and the process starts all over. I would laugh at the foolishness of ego forgiveness, but sometimes the result is not very funny.

I usually catch this kind of thing quickly because I have learned to recognize the signs of when I have allowed the ego to take on a function that belongs to the Holy Spirit. Sometimes though, I fall prey to the ego desire to take all functions for itself. I think that when this happens it is because I don’t really want to forgive.

Recently I talked about having an ongoing forgiveness lesson with someone at work. The reason it was ongoing is because I continued to allow the ego to be in charge of the process. This will always fail because the ego doesn’t know anything about forgiveness. Looking at the situation through the ego I saw the other person as the other person. ~smile~ I couldn’t see our unity because the ego doesn’t accept unity as a possibility.

Seeing him as separate from me, I saw our interests as separate. From that point of view it became a matter of whose interests would be served, so there had to be a winner and a loser, and I sure didn’t want to be the loser. The ego then focused on how to win and still look spiritual. See how confused and hopeless is the ego version of forgiveness? Every time I let the ego be in charge of forgiveness with this person, I wound up with another grievance.

The way it played out is that I would say something I immediately regretted, and then would sit there wondering where those words came from. Then I would have to justify my failure to forgive and so I would think of all the ways he provoked me. I would then find myself talking to my boss about how hard it is to work with this man, hoping to get her on my team to help support my weak case for him being the cause of my unhappiness.

Immediately, I would feel regretful because the sane part of my mind would recognize what I was doing. I don’t want to teach hate. I don’t want to teach unforgiveness. I would then sit in my office and ask for help. I would ask the Holy Spirit to heal my mind, and though I meant I wanted to be free of this conflict, I still didn’t want to let him off the hook. More evidence of ego arrogance and confusion. What kind of forgiveness is that?

I don’t know how many times I had to go back to my boss and try to undo the harm I had done. I would talk to her about my desire to let this go, and my desire to withdraw my projections and to accept responsibility for my own feelings.  If I could not show her perfect forgiveness, at least I could share my process as I moved in that direction.

Having asked for healing once again, and having done my penance by admitting my culpability, I would think it was finally done. Then it would happen again and I would realize that while I was truly regretful for my ego driven behavior, my apology was from my spiritual ego, not from a place of true forgiveness.

I don’t know exactly when I finally gave the function of healing to the Holy Spirit, but I know I did because the animosity is gone. I feel nothing but good will and kindness toward this man. I can’t even really remember the feeling of being at odds with him. I remember the circumstances and the facts of the story, but I can’t go there anymore. This is how the Holy Spirit functions.

Forgiveness through the Holy Spirit removes all offending thoughts from the mind and with the thoughts gone, the feelings of anger and resentment are gone as well, as if they had never existed. True forgiveness leaves me wondering what it was I thought I had to forgive. This is something the ego will never accomplish for me, because the ego doesn’t know what true forgiveness is, or how to achieve it.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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