My Path to Oneness

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Recognizing Separation

Why is it so difficult to see how we are following the ego? I can recognize that I have fear, that I don’t like what my life looks like. I can let go of individual instances where I chose to stay in fear, but I did not know exactly what it was that made me choose that. I got a better understanding of it recently.
I have been working on individual instances where I had chosen to project, attack, hide or deny what was really happening. I was able to forgive others, and myself for my thoughts and actions that I knew were not very good, to say the least. But, ego stuff kept creeping up, and I really wanted to get to the very bottom of this. This is what happened next:
I wanted to bring good hearing back into my left ear. It had been blocked for years, and it bothered me because I had to turn my head to hear with my other side, my right ear. I decided to listen very carefully what the Divine Guidance had to say about it. Recently, during a meeting, we listened to a CD that was spoken by Jesus through a channel, and we also followed the text in the book. I noticed how I perceived differently while listening than when reading. It seemed my hearing led me to my emotional state, while reading, eyesight perception, led into the intellectual understanding. This was interesting. So, I pursued the emotional content of my hearing. I asked for guidance to get clarity on this.
And what came up was my relationship with my father. I had always judged him harshly for bragging and acting very selfish and egocentric. I hated that and had that attitude all my life. And I had the attitude: I don’t want to hear it anymore, I just won’t listen to his bragging. But, what I received was pretty ‘eye-opening’ to me. I know I received Guidance here. And so I applied the principle of: what I see in others I have within me. Upon honest examination I had to admit that this energy was within me. But, it was the opposite expression of that of my father’s. As children will often do, what we don’t like in our parents, we will rebel against and do the opposite. And so I had employed this deceptive device of the ego but had not recognized the deception until now. Wow. This did not feel good at all. I was amazed that after all this work for years of looking at my relationship with my father, I never really saw how my emotional judgment was really what I had made up in my own mind, and it was MY Problem, not his. I had been able to forgive him and myself for specific instances before, but this was a greater insight. It showed me that my father had played a role in my life which helped me to learn to see my own small self, and further that to go beyond and see the power that we both have as Loving Spirits. This did not hurt or change our true Beingness, and so it is all a game, we were playing, and I can now – after I regain my composure from the shock – laugh about it.
I looked at it with astonishment. Wow again. I had hidden this perception and reversal from my little mind and pretended all these years that it was my father who was the culprit. Yet, it was me who was hiding from life, thinking how wonderful it was that I was not bragging about me like my father was. And then I realized another awesome thing: I recognized that the ego is a thought system that I had accepted. I could actually see the ego’s thought system, and the separation, as outside of the Oneness, a separated way of seeing the world. I had apparently gone beyond the individual instances where I had used fear and attack, and had undone them. For years I looked within to find every instance of where I experienced fear or attack or judgment, and let it go. I was clear I did not want them. But now I could see this ‘system’ as the separation I accepted so early on and had used it, lived with it, applied it and believed it. Now I can see it clearly. It is low energy, and I choose to no longer be on that level.
This does not mean that there will be no ego thoughts within my mind. But, I can apply right perception to any situation; I can choose what I truly want; I can discern whether I come from fear or love. And I always have the Oneness, the Holy Self, my Divine Guidance right there, to ask and to honestly search for an answer when I need it. As for my hearing – I expect this left ear to come back to ‘normal’ because there is no longer a reason to not hear, to turn a deaf ear to something that is within me. I trust it will happen in time.
I am so grateful for all the Help that is available, from sources like ACIM and other books that have recently been brought into this world. And I am also extremely grateful for every step away from this separating thought system that brings me back to the Truth, to the Love that I Am, and to true Reality with the Help of True Source. Once that connection is made, and can be sustained, there is nothing to fear, there is no doubt, and there is no need for judgment or attack. It all just IS. It is the Joy of Living fully and freely. I hear the Happiness in the Oneness and I join with It. Thank you.

© 2016, Pathways of Light.
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I will not hurt myself again today

Is there ever an end …?
So often I have sat down in the morning and let go of many different things during meditation and the daily tapping session my husband and I do regularly. Yes, I am blessed with a husband who also does the lessons, who practices the Course principles with himself and me, and who is experiencing our relationship as a holy one.
And we both pay attention to remember when we are not in joy or in peace: we make a note, whether mental or written (he does it on his phone), and bring it up the next morning to release it and see it differently.
This activity is critical for me because there is always something else that comes up. 
The Course states that ‘the Atonement centers on the past, which is the source of separation, and where it must be undone. For separation must be corrected where it was made.’ (17, III, 5: 8-9).

Here is an example:
The other morning I suddenly realized that I see my ego as myself as a girl (me) about 10-12 years old. I’ve met her in other meditations or dreams, but here is suddenly was confronted with the fact that ‘she is my ego’. Wow. I was really surprised!

Indeed I remember that my family was in a very difficult situation during this time, and the part of me that did not want to have this true went ‘below ‘and ruled from there with anger and attack. Yet, I could see that she also had a happy part, and that, if I could help her see that there are different ways to deal with life, she may stay with happiness instead of attack. And sure enough, I saw her, after being focused just straight ahead, she actually looked to her right and considered an alternative to ‘her ways’. This was very subtle, but it was movement in the right direction.
From there I wanted to send love to her, because she did not expect anything positive and judged everything, especially all I did. She was never truly satisfied, and she readily messed things up and sabotaged me in various ways.
I continued to send love to her, and she wanted to play. She loved to just play without any particular outcome, without saying it’s good or bad or right or wrong. Mostly, though, she did not want to be wrong.
So we together adopted the thought: I am never wrong. And from a Course perspective, you could say that I am never wrong, but if I don’t like the outcome I can change it and I always have choices. So, that helped a lot.
But, she is not without fear, and so I need to remember to bring up joyful memories, and not dwell on difficult or negative thoughts or feelings. It really helps to think about the way I would see Heaven, to feel the joy and see the colors, and experience the total freedom. These things bring a lot of energy into me, and there is no thought of an ego or the little girl. She wants that too.
But, I need to remember to stay with the thought, because when I let other, negative thoughts come in, she quickly pulls me down, and then I am blocked for a while. It takes me a bit – because I have developed habits that seem ‘natural’ when I go into foggy thinking and critical thoughts, and having to do things by myself without Guidance …I have to remember.
Jeshua calls it ‘the little willingness’ that we have to provide. I always thought it was really not so little because we’ve given all our power to the ego. But, in the end, that’s what we have to do to be free.
And so, this little ego self of mine will gain the upper hand here and there, and things will come up where I fall into old habits, but it is so simple (when I remember) that Heaven is just a thought away. That is the real Wow.
Thank you Jesus, thank you God, I thank my little self, and also my husband who is willing to listen to all my stories and still not judge me. I think that is part a holy relationship.
So, what is next? I really don’t want to hurt myself again, and so I ask for Help in bringing up what needs healing and remembering that it does not have to hurt. I choose again. My intention is Joy.

© 2015, Pathways of Light.
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I use Peace to center me
I feel Peace as Me
I return to Peace and all is well
What a wonderful feeling Peace truly is.

I think Peace and it shifts
From confusion to clarity
My heart beats but I don’t really feel it.
My heart is no longer an organ but Peace
It is not even at peace but just Peace.

Peace feels so free
Peace is my Home
Peace invites everyone into Itself
And embraces and expands all at the same time
I love the feeling of Peace

Peace connects me with everyone
Peace is Oneness and Communion
Peace makes me invulnerable
Because I am always safe in Peace
Come join me in that Peace
Where we together can celebrate
The Peace that we Are.

© 2015, Pathways of Light.
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A Holy Instant at the end of the Inner Child Healing group

Several times a year I offer the Inner Child Healing Course for 8 weeks. This time around I only had two takers, even though many told me they would want to participate. So, I continued anyway with only two people, a man and a young woman. Then the woman could not come any more for personal reasons, and so I continued with the man.
During the last lesson, there is a group activity of ‘Nurturing the Needy Inner Child’. The meeting before this, we had made wonderful progress, and he had insights into a feeling he had had all of his life when he was just a little one in the crib.  This experience pretty much took care of his childhood obstacles since he had done quite a bit of personal work before. So during this last activity, I asked him to write down what his immature self wanted to hear, since he could no longer identify with ‘the needy child within’. He wrote about half a page of desires he had and which he wanted to experience in his life.
To make this more of a ‘group’ experience, I also wrote some notes on what my little girl wanted, and so we repeated these things to each other in a loving, supportive and nurturing way. He was very receptive to my wording of what he wanted and I saw that, in some way, he already had quite a bit of what he had written down.
But my surprise came when he gave back to me what I had written down. These few desires of my little girl were translated by him into what I had given him during these eight lessons, and he touched me deeply with his insights and his genuine reflections. We touched on a very deep level, I would say it was a pure spirit level, a holy instant. I was surprised at how deep this connection went. There was another surprise in this: the ego immediately rejected what I had experienced as ‘losing myself’, giving in or a similarly negative feeling. Fortunately, I recognized that it was the ego who decided that I should not take this feeling as what it really was – a wonderful experience of a holy relationship, playfully expressed and deeply felt by both of us.
What a gift that was! I am still amazed at the depth of this holy encounter that was so unexpected.
The Course says: “Look on your holy brother, sinless as yourself, and let him lead you there.” (T 22.II.13:7) and
“This is the function of your holy relationship. For what one thinks, the other will experience with him. What can this mean except your mind and your brother’s are one? Look not with fear upon this happy fact, and think not that it lays a heavy burden on you. For when you have accepted it with gladness, you will realize that your relationship is a reflection of the union of the Creator and His Son. From loving minds there is no separation. And every thought in one brings gladness to the other because they are the same. Joy is unlimited, because each shining thought of love extends its being, and creates more of itself.” (T 22.VI.14:1-8)

© 2014, Pathways of Light.
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My father’s poverty and My Father’s Abundance.

For most of my life I have experienced a sense of being poor. While we were growing up, we did not have much money, and then my father got sick and sicker until he had to be carried to the hospital. We were almost sent to the ‘poor house’ where the people lived who had nothing, and somehow my mother was able to get the small amount of money to pay the mortgage on the very old house my father had bought. The house needed a lot of repair and modernization. He must have been happy to be able to buy this house so we could move away from his mother’s farm and be right in town. Yet, that was not my 8-year-old impression. I did not notice the ‘poverty’ we were living in until I visited the neighbor’s house. This house was much larger, it had beautiful Persian carpets on the floors, it was warm inside, with delicate curtains on the window, classic music playing on record players, a complete kitchen with a mother who was singing and was happy and had a wonderful garden with lots of flowers, a huge vegetable garden, three great children, and a large barn-like structure. All seemed so perfect, and I felt extremely poor in comparison. When I first saw the neighbor’s house, I remembered that I made the decision that ‘I am poor’.
Yet, since I was a young child, it was not me who could decide whether I would be poor or rich because it was the father who was the source of poverty or riches. And the neighbor’s father had a great job and was making lots of money, so it seemed and so it looked to me.
I have battled this feeling of poverty all my life and yet I know that I have never really felt without. I always had what I needed, I was not rich and had trouble paying my bills many times, but somehow I managed to get through.
So, recently I re-visited this thought for the thousands time because it was still there, pestering me.
I asked the Holy Spirit to take it from me because I knew it was an ego thought and it really was not true. My Source is God, and nothing else. So, I dove deep into that feeling of lack and limitation.
What I got was surprising and I felt it very deep within my Soul. I literally was shown the moment when I decided that I wanted to experience lack and limitation. I felt that that is what I wanted. I feel the guilt about this still. I said that now I wanted to be release from this decision; I learned my lesson and now I choose differently, I choose for God, for my One Source, for the Abundance that has been given me by my Father, my Creator; I choose to see it as it truly IS. I felt it leave, and I was released. This felt very profound. I was free to choose again while before I had been bound.
Now, you would think that this was the end and final freedom was mine. Not yet. What I noticed was a feeling, the one more thing: I had to forgive myself for choosing to experience lack and limitation. Wow, does it never end?
I have now forgiven myself. I know God does not punish or judge but just wants us to come Home. And so I am communicating with the Holy Spirit about how to change my thoughts of poverty to abundance. What She gave me was this: a profound, easy way in which ‘they’ create; They just see it or think it, and it is. I felt that! I felt the energy of the Oneness, the ease and directness, the natural way to be and have, and have and be. It is all One, and there is never even a hint of separateness. That was so cool. I feel I can give because I only give to the Oneness to which I belong, and so I give to me and the All. I felt I could not give before because I felt I did not have. I am excited about this change, this natural way of being. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

© 2014, Pathways of Light.
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I dreamed last night ...

As I was half awake, half still asleep I heard myself saying this to a group of ACIM people:
If you know what is the Truth, why do lie to yourself
I immediately recognized that I was talking to myself.
The ego works in such circular ways, and I saw that this is what happened last night in the ACIM group meeting:
I somehow could not comprehend the text paragraph that was read out loud by someone. As I review the scene now, I realize that this blockage came from anger I had experienced because I judged that something I had shared with the group just before this as not being really understood or accepted. The ego came up with attack thoughts of ‘they are not on the same level I am at’, and so I felt angry and separated, standing alone.
I had been working with the very old belief that I held for a long time which said “I want to be appreciated”. It was a strong ego blockage to let any kind of appreciation come to me, even though I am aware that I have received lots of appreciation all my life, and still am. And, that is not to mention the obvious: God always appreciates me, no matter what I do or whether I accept this or not.
I have the feeling of ‘I am awesome, I am amazing, I am powerful and great, a shining bright light’. Yet, this feeling is immediately countered with ‘you are being grandiose, blowing yourself up to be somebody which you really are not’. The ego quickly cuts me down, and so I need to give all that to the HS because by myself I really am a nobody, but with God I am All Things.
So, I want to embrace the Truth about myself even though the ego does not like it. I release the fear that comes with this into His Hands, and so I am free. I am grateful.

© 2014, Pathways of Light.
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That darn ego!

The ego can be very tricky, as we all know. It can show up in the disguise of just about any form, and recently it has shown up in the form of me as a little girl. i always thought i liked that part of me, that cute little girl that is strong and sometimes demanding but resolute and seems to know what she wants. i was the clear favorite in our family, and I knew it. I used it many times in good and not so good ways, the way little girls do when they want favors. Somehow she did not have to do much to get her way because, well, she was just expecting to get things her way. I did not grow up in a rich household, on the contrary. But, when my sisters insisted they did not like the milk soup that my father liked so much and so they did not want to eat it, they thought they were forced to eat it. I did not like it either, but then somehow I did not have to eat it, and so I felt very special.
But, recently i saw beyond this specialness that I was always so proud of. I liked that little girl but at the same time i felt guilty that my sisters did not get the same treatment. And I really did not like those relatives who favored me because I never thought that what they saw in me was actually so. So, I never accepted their high praise of me, and I felt that I was living a lie. I felt I did not really deserve what had been given me because I could not see how all this praise was justified.
So, recently, I discovered that this part was all ego and about specialness and really just something I made up. Imagine the surprise. I had been under the impression all these years that she was a good little girl. And yes, she tried very hard to keep up the image of the good little girl by not making waves or admitting to any guilt, but the guilt was still very strong in her and in me.
And so, since I sit down every morning with my husband for about an hour looking at what needs to be forgiven or given to the Holy Spirit, I came to the point of discovery: this little girl is my ego. She stops me from being really the Light that God has created. She is afraid that God is like her father who praised her but who she did not believe and who she judged as not being able to really see her. She thought if God would see who or what she really was, He would strike her dead. And so she never wanted to get out of hiding, or have anyone look at what she was really like. Sounds familiar?
This is what the ego does. I was afraid of Love, as the Lesson 282 says. And so, since Love is Truth, I was afraid of Truth. I am certainly glad that I am not that little girl, She is the ego, that made-up part of me that I thought was so cute. Wow. What a con job I did on myself.
So, I have decided to take charge of my mind and ask the Holy Spirit to correct this image I have made, and to forgive myself for believing that I could be this little girl; for believing that this little girl did not deserve anything good or important, Yet, she was confused in so many ways about her ‘specialness’. She loved it and hated it, she felt guilty about it yet could not stop it or be honest about it.
This darn ego sure can pull you around on your cute little nose and make a mess out of your life.
Thank you Holy Spirit for helping me see all this mess differently. I want to be done with this, and so I turn it all over to you. I am so grateful that we are all Innocent in our true Being, kept as a pure and holy Thought in God’s Mind..

© 2014, Pathways of Light.
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