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Talking to Holy Spirit about a Special Relationship

What I notice about fear is that it paralyzes me when I try to resist and deny it. My mind becomes confused and I am uncertain what to do, even uncertain what to pray. I am learning that I am always better off not acting from that confusion, but resting my mind in God before making decisions. Sometimes this can feel difficult because my confusion, which is always born of fear, seems to demand action.

My son had told me about something going on with him and I was very concerned about it. I don’t usually offer instruction or advice to my kids who are all grown unless they ask for it. But since he brought this up to me, I replied by email. I am usually pretty circumspect when doing something like this. But that was not how I felt to be, and I was rather blunt in my reply. I did not say anything that is not true, but I may have said something he does not want to hear. Since then I have been worrying and wonder if I made an error in doing this. It would have been much safer to not say anything.

I have looked carefully at my feelings and realize that my fear is losing his love and affection. I fear loss of the relationship which is very “special” to me. I recognize the error in my thinking but that did not seem to relieve the fear. I ask Holy Spirit to look with me and I expresse the willingness to use this situation to practice feeling as well as simply being aware intellectually. But nothing has happened. I just keep this mild anxiety and I am tired of that. But I trust myself and my willingness to do what I need to do in perfect timing.

Holy Spirit, I need help. I don’t know what to do about this. I am willing to have this resolved one way or another but I don’t want to drag it out forever. I am willing to experience the fear, anger, guilt, whatever, but I also want to have my peace back, and I want to be happy again. I just am unwilling to sit in denial anymore. What should I do to crack open this fear?

Holy Spirit: Fear keeps you bound, sweet child. Special relationships awaken fear in the mind because their specialness is incongruent with your reality. You are one, you are whole, there is nothing lacking in you, and yet the very thought of specialness is one of separation and lack. As long as you treasure one relationship above another you will live in fear of loss because you have separated out a part of yourself and seemed to have made it different from yourself. Now, in your mind and therefore in your experience, though not in reality, you are no longer whole. This is frightening.

Me: Yes, I can see what you mean. I have made this relationship with my child special and so it seems to be something outside wholeness. Now I fear it will be snatched from me or lost in some way. Yet, to think of voluntarily giving up my special relationships feels like a loss, too. I can at least defend against the loss if it is threatened from without, but to just give it to You without a fight seems like an immediate and irrevocable loss. I know this is wrong minded thinking and I know that you have talked to me about this before, but in my fear of loss, my mind becomes muddled.

Holy Spirit: Do you remember the prayer I gave you? “Please take the specialness from this relationship and leave only the love.” I am not asking you to sacrifice your relationship. I am asking you to let me remove the guilt, pain and suffering from it. Would you be willing to trust me to do this? I am not going to leave you with less, but will restore wholeness to your memory.

The fear and the pain that you often experience in your relationships are not things added to the relationship, but rather they are empty holes, the result of trying to break love into parts. As you give up wanting your “loved one” to fill those holes for you, you will understand that you lack nothing and need nothing from that person. Will that be a loss? I say to you that giving up the belief that you need something from someone is not loss.

As you remember that you are whole and need nothing, you have everything to offer and will offer it without hesitation. While you still believe you need something from your child the only thing that passes between you are trade agreements. You give this and in return, he gives that. That is not love, my friend. This sad exchange could only pass for love in an insane world. This is the only thing you are asked to sacrifice. And this is no sacrifice at all.

Me: And if he doesn’t like what I said and he withholds his affection from me? This feels like loss to me, Holy Spirit, and it is not something I want to experience. I know that sounds pathetic but it is what I feel. But I am willing to chance this heartbreak. I am willing to hear You.

Holy Spirit: You are giving Me your willingness to sacrifice, Precious One, and I assure you I have no need of your sacrifice. You want me to prove to you that you lose nothing when you give me the relationship you have with your child. You want that proof before you give it to me, and that is not possible. The proof comes in the giving. You know this is true. You have done this before. You are listening to the ego in your mind and are allowing it to confuse you.

Me: Ah yes. That is right. I have trusted you many times and I have never been disappointed. You have never asked me to give up anything except that which hurts me. Thank you, Holy Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit has spoken to me of surrender and as I am writing this I realize that my biggest fear in this idea of surrender is related to the situation with my son. If I completely surrender I am saying that I am not going to try to control the outcome. I am not going to write a conciliatory email. I am not even going to want a particular outcome.

Surrender means letting go of all sense of control on the level of the ego. This situation would not be in my experience if I did not desire to experience it so I am going to surrender to the experience. I am going to trust myself as Myron and trust myself as Toby. Myron is a thought in the mind of the Son and so is Toby. I am going to let him have his experience, not out of a sense of sacrifice, but out of trust and love. I have taken many small steps toward giving my special relationships to the Holy Spirit to be transformed into holy relationships. This is another step and I am glad to take it.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Judgment

Here is what I seemed to have learned about judgment. The thoughts of judgment are always going to be there because they are in the sleeping mind as part of the separation thought. So as long as we embrace separation, we will continue to be aware of judgment.

However, as I continue to bring thoughts to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to purify them for me, I find that I no longer believe the thoughts. They become like background noise and when I notice one I ask for healing of that thought.

Through this process, I’ve learned that salvation is not personal. The thoughts are not personal, the healing is not personal. Nothing is personal because that would imply personhood which is separation.

Now when a judgment thought arises, I ask that the mind be healed and know that I am healing the Sonship as I do this. Instead of feeling guilty for having the judgment, I feel helpful to the Sonship.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Forgiveness is All I Want

The more I do the Lessons the more I see that each one offers me salvation if I choose to fully accept it. For instance, the forgiveness lessons teach me that this is all I want and I can have it by giving it. If I did only this on a consistent basis, I would awaken from the dream. How could I not? It took me twenty six years to really understand what forgiveness is. Not because it is so hard to understand, but because I didn’t want it to be true. To understand that forgiveness undoes the idea that someone else is responsible and to blame, and that always I am only forgiving myself, was not a welcome realization.

Now that I am willing to be completely responsible for everything in my life, now that I am willing to let everyone and everything off the hook and see the world and my brothers as innocent, it all seems so simple and self evident that I cannot kid myself about it being a difficult concept to understand. It was just a hard concept to accept as true. Now that I have I am greatly relieved because I see the infinite value of being responsible. I see the power that it takes to create the illusion that the Son of God is powerless, so I know I hold the power within my mind to undo the belief and so undo its effects.

I no longer sit in my victimhood praying for someone to rescue me from what others have done to me. Now I find the whole idea of doing so completely insane. Thank you, God, for that clarity! It is not like discovering some great elusive truth so much as it is like suddenly opening my eyes and seeing what was always right before me. That I receive what I give has been the same journey. I accepted the idea as being true, but it was meaningless to me for such a long time. Sure I understood the words and understood the meaning of each individual word, but when you put it together into a sentence, you lost me.

I have to laugh at myself now that I have finally accepted the obvious truth. There is only one Son of God, and we are It. I give only to myself because there is no one else to give to. What is so hard to understand about that? Obviously I did not want to accept that I am not special. I needed you to be different from me because that was the only way I could appear special. How could I be special if we were all the same? And if we are different, separate, then it is impossible to understand that as I give to you, I give to myself. This is why for so long, I stubbornly refused to open my eyes and see what was right in front of me.

Now that I have seen the truth I first feel like crying at the wasted time. Thank God I am eternal and so that doesn’t matter, and anyway time is an illusion. I feel like laughing in joy to see that I am not surrounded by strangers, but by my beloved brothers all of whom are part of my One Self. These are the same ones who just recently were seen as enemy and competitor and cause of all my grief, but no longer. It is a simple and natural thing to think first, “How can I be helpful?” when I recognize my brother is myself and my Love.

So what is left to do? As I sit here in the solitude of this room all is calm and peaceful. When I leave this pocket of peaceful solitude, the world we have created to distract us from the truth begins its job and I get distracted! I start off with the idea that the one before me is my brother/my self, and before you know it, the ego part of my mind is insisting this guy is trying to steal my peace. And for a little while I am again warring with my brother, completely forgetting I war only with myself. But wait! It is different now because I know something I didn’t know before, and soon I am asking the Holy Spirit to help me see this differently.

This is what is left for me to do. I need to practice the truth. I need to forgive and forgive and forgive until I no longer choose anything but the truth. When I first accepted the truth I was so disappointed to find out that there was more to do. I just couldn’t believe how easily I gave up my peace as soon as I let my guard down, and I went through a period of real depression because I didn’t see how I was ever going to do this. Everyone and everything seemed to elicit a reaction from me and that elicited guilt which just made it all the worse. But I kept at it and now, instead of being upset that I have temporarily forgotten my identity, I am glad for the opportunity to look at and forgive error once more, knowing that this practice brings us closer to our truth. Now even my mistakes have gained great value for me as I see they are not sins but merely opportunities for remembering.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for being the ever present Voice for God within me. Thank you, Jesus, my brother, for overcoming the world so that I could know it can be done. And thank you for not abandoning what you started and for being with me always. Thank You, God, for creating me holy, and perfect and unassailable. Thank you for extending Yourself and so making me like You. Thank You for loving me always.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Choosing Happiness in Every Situation

When I am in touch with the truth that all I need is God, I am happy and content. But when I am focused on the ego part of my mind, I am always looking for the next better thing. I think that if only the world were somehow different, I could be happy. This has been accepted as normal for so long, that now I have to be vigilant to realize I am doing it. I am learning to watch my mind for thoughts of dissatisfaction so that I can ask the Holy Spirit for a different way to see.

One of the ways I am doing this is that I made a decision (after being prompted by the Holy Spirit) to be happy in every situation. This is a good reminder to me that the world is not the cause of my problems, but rather the effect of my discontent. The other night I was driving home after a long week on the road. I was at the top of the state and had to drive very nearly to the bottom and it was already dark out. I figured I would not get home until after 9:00.

My very first thought was about how tired I was and how much more tired I would be as I continued this drive. The miles seemed to stretch out endlessly before me. This thought was followed by thoughts of how stiff my neck was, how night blind I am, how my sciatica was acting up and how much worse it would be in a couple of hours. It all happened very quickly, and I began to really dread the drive home, which is nuts because there is no way out of it.

This is all just another way of saying I would be happy if the world were different. In the short term it would be nice if Scotty would just beam me up. Since that is unlikely, it would be nice if, in the future, I didn’t have to work and at least this wouldn’t happen again. Which is equally unlikely. The ego loves this; if only the world would change, and it won’t.

I started talking to the Holy Spirit because I recognized that I was back into the ego trap of thinking that my happiness lay somewhere outside myself because I was listening to the wrong teacher. The Holy Spirit reminded me of my decision to choose happiness in every circumstance. At one time I would have argued against happiness insisting that in this case it just wasn’t possible, but since it has been working for me I am really motivated to keep doing it. Anyway, the more I turn from the ego as my teacher and to the Holy Spirit, the more natural it seems, and the more quickly I am ready to do it.

So I just decided to be happy. Ha! Who would have thought it could be so easy! All the ego arguments for misery just dissolve in that decision to listen to the Holy Spirit. I didn’t have to do anything to make myself happy, I just was. I enjoyed my own company for awhile, I listened to some spiritual CDs and was inspired. I spent some time looking at ego thoughts with the Holy Spirit and allowing them to be healed. I noticed that I was not feeling the pain I had expected and I think that a lot of the discomfort I feel when I have to drive so many miles in a week is from tension, and a lot of that tension is from discontent with the circumstances.

When I was about thirty minutes from home, thoughts of a friend I haven’t spoken to in awhile popped into my mind. I called her and we had a nice chat which made the final leg of the trip much nicer. More importantly, she told me about a spiritual experience that was very inspiring and I told her something she was grateful to hear. I think it was my relaxed and happy state which opened my mind to that little prompting to call. I am very glad that I did.

Holy Spirit, it was hard at first to get into the habit of listening to You all day long. It is hard to turn from the ego voice so that I could hear You. The ego is so compelling with its scary doomsday predictions. It is compelling with its “woe is me” stories. I am so glad that I am learning to make a different choice. I am committed to continue this practice until the ego voice is just a quiet drone in the background. Thank you so much for Your constant and patient guidance.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Remembering My Goal

This was helpful

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I was enjoying the perfect weather as I drove along the highway to see my next customer. I had been sharing texts with my daughters about what was going on in our lives and was thinking how much I wished I could enjoy this beautiful weather with them in person. We could hang out in the sun and talk. If only we didn’t have to work.

Suddenly I realized that my mood had plummeted. I started to try to push the mood aside and get back to feeling good but then let myself explore it first. I was surprised that when I allowed the mood rather than trying to push it down that it was so strong. I felt like crying. I had a tightness in my chest and my stomach clenched.

I used The Work by Byron Katie to get some clarity on this because I was having trouble seeing it differently. I asked the four questions and did the turnaround. It looked like this.

I think I should not have to work.

Is that true?

It feels like it is true. But maybe not.

Can you absolutely know it is true?

No.

How do you feel when you believe that you should not work and you are working?

I feel sad enough to cry. I have a lump in my throat and a weight on my chest. My stomach clenches. I feel unhappy.

How do you feel when you are working and you don’t believe that thought?

I feel happy and satisfied with the day. My mind is open to possibilities.

Turn it around and give three valid reasons why it is true.

I should have to work.

1.  I want to earn a living.

2.  I like making money.

3.  I enjoy my customers and often enjoy my job. It is not often boring.

Then I did the same thing with the statement, “I would be happy if only I didn’t have to work. As I got more clarity and more detachment from these thoughts and my feelings I asked Holy Spirit to help me look at this differently. The question that came into my mind was, “What is your purpose? What is your goal?”

Is it my goal to win the lottery and quit work? Is it my goal to spend time with my girls? Is it my goal to have more free time? Is it my goal to write, to teach, to preach?

As I considered these goals, which I obviously have, I remembered that I have a goal, a purpose and that is to wake up. It is my purpose to do my part to help awaken the Sonship. In order for it to be effective it must be a single undivided goal; my only goal. I cannot awaken with one foot in the world. It is all of these small goals (which may seem inconsequential) that are distracting me and taking the place of my true purpose.

All of those petty goals pale in the light of my true purpose. As I realized this I felt the weight lift from my chest. I could breathe again. Then I remembered that I am awakening. In NTI 1 Corinthians, the Holy Spirit assures us that if we are reading this book (and by extension doing these lessons) then I am in the process of awakening. I said it aloud. “I am waking up!”

The words put a smile on my face and opened my heart to joy. All of the other feelings (I could barely bring them to mind by now) faded away completely and I spent the rest of the day happy and at peace.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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I Was Just Thinking

I think that whatever appears in my life that is not adding to the Kingdom is something to heal. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. It might be the result of the little private hell that I call Myron’s mind. For instance, perhaps I had been thinking about my daughter’s life and thinking she should be living it differently if she wants to be happy. These are thoughts that Myron is thinking and these thoughts are not true in spite of appearances. Holding onto these thoughts keep me in hell.

I think that there are thoughts which do not necessarily originate in the story of Myron, but are simply thoughts held in the one mind that are not true and need to be healed. If these thoughts pop up in my mind or the effects appear in my life then it is because I can heal them. In other words salvation isn’t personal. It doesn’t matter who is holding the error thoughts, the one who is most able to heal them has that opportunity.

If I see that someone is living as if they are separate from God in a way that I no longer do , then I think it has come to my attention because I can forgive that thought in the mind. This way of looking at it has made it easier for me to understand that I do not stand alone in anything. I am always part of the Sonship and all I think say and do affects the Sonship. I am always 100% responsible.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Letting Go of a Cherished Grievance

I read this from the lesson: Let me realize today that the problem is always some form of grievance that I would cherish. Let me also understand that the solution is always a miracle with which I let the grievance be replaced.

I thought about something that happened yesterday. I was driving along minding my own business when suddenly, and with no warning, I attacked my peace with a memory of something I did a long time ago that causes me shame and embarrassment even today. This is not the first time this has happened, even with this same thought.

My first reaction is always to put the memory aside so I don’t have to think about it. But for some years now I have stopped myself from doing that, and have looked at it with the Holy Spirit, asking that I be healed. Each time I thought it was done, that I no longer would feel shame when that memory arose. When it rose in my mind yesterday and I felt those same regrets I couldn’t believe it. I asked Holy Spirit just how long it was going to take to be through with this, and why couldn’t I let it go. It wasn’t even something important, but rather a petty reaction to some insignificant moment in my life, and yet every time I thought of it I felt shamed. What’s the deal, Holy Spirit?

Here (more or less) is what came into my mind.
 
I cannot let this go. It must be unforgivable.

Ha ha ha. That’s ridiculous. It wasn’t even all that important.

It happened. You did it and you can’t take it back. You are guilty. You will always be guilty. There is no forgiveness for this. That is why you cannot let it go.

Holding onto this guilty thought is keeping me from waking up.

Oh, my God. Thank you for showing me that. I don’t want this guilt. I want to wake up.

Holy Spirit: Now you see what the ego was really saying to you. You didn’t acknowledge this message before because it frightened you too much. The reason it frightened you is because you believed it. So you hid the message from yourself, but you could not hide the effect of the fear. The fear that your error was unforgivable kept you from truly looking at it with Me and thus kept it in your mind, where it periodically jumped up to terrorize you. This time, Myron, you truly wanted this clarity and so it was yours.

Me: Holy Spirit, thank you so much. My gratitude is so big I can barely contain it.

I would like to share with you the guilty memory that I allowed to hold me hostage for so long, but I cannot even remember what it was. It is a miracle.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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