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Study of Text, Chapter10: V. The Denial of God, P 3. 7-7-15

V. The Denial of God, P3
3 Allegiance to the denial of God is the ego’s religion. The god of sickness obviously demands the denial of health, because health is in direct opposition to its own survival. But consider what this means to you. Unless you are sick you cannot keep the gods you made, for only in sickness could you possibly want them. Blasphemy, then, is self-destructive, not God-destructive. It means that you are willing not to know yourself in order to be sick. This is the offering your god demands because, having made him out of your insanity, he is an insane idea. He has many forms, but although he may seem to be many different things he is but one idea;-the denial of God.

Journal
Sometimes as I read what has actually occurred in the mind in order to experience separation, I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. When I deny God, which I do every time I indulge in ego thinking, the drama, the guilt and fear, the pain and suffering, I deny not only God, but also my Self. I deny what I am.

I have been looking at a lot of thoughts and beliefs that I have in the past hidden from myself. I see the belief that I am unfairly treated and I feel so sorry for myself that it makes me cry or it makes me so angry I lash out. Then I feel discouraged because it seems I will never get to the end of these beliefs. I forget that it is only one belief taking many forms. I am looking at the forms in order to make a decision as to whether or not I am ready to finally release the belief to the Holy Spirit.

When I remember what I am doing, I am able to detach somewhat from the emotional reaction, but when I forget the purpose of this work, I just feel helpless. The ego mind is very attracted to the drama of hopelessness, and will go there if I don’t stop the mind from doing so. I saw myself doing this yesterday, forgetting why I am looking at these thoughts and getting caught up in the beliefs and their effects.

One thing happened at work, and while it seemed a minor thing, it triggered a deeply rooted fear in my mind. I reacted to it, and then the ego mind dredged up more fears and it all just cascaded. There was enough detachment for me to realize that this was an ego reaction and so meaningless, but the emotion was really strong.

Last night when I went to bed I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me in my sleep and to heal my mind. When I do this, and especially when I listen to the Course in my sleep, my dreams reflect the Holy Spirit’s teaching in a very helpful and comforting way. I wake up from my sleep happy and encouraged.

This time, though, I had the strangest dreams. It was about people coming back from awakened states and saying that it isn’t all its cracked up to be. These people were angry and there was struggling and gun play involved, and when I woke up I was just confused. I didn’t understand how this was helpful, but I didn’t feel upset about the dream, so I knew it was symbolic.

I see now that this was the ego fighting against awakening. It was the ego version of waking up, finding it unsatisfying, and wanting to return to the world of high drama. I see that this is what is happening in my mind now, the reason I keep falling into the rabbit hole and seemingly losing my way.

I am doing the work that needs to be done to release myself from the dream, and the part of my mind that is attached to the dream is doing what it can to keep me engaged. This is very wearing but as I become more cognizant of what is happening, I am less affected. Just like yesterday, I would feel upset and weepy, then I would pull myself away from that emotion and remember that I have a purpose.

I would get angry and then remember that this is just the ego judgment of the situation and the ego belief in defense through attack, and I would pull myself away again and focus on my purpose. Not so long ago, it might have taken me days to disengage, and now it usually only takes minutes. The work is working.

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