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Study of Manual for Teachers 1/31/12

Day 31
IX. Faithfulness
1 The extent of the teacher of God’s faithfulness is the measure of his advancement in the curriculum. Does he still select some aspects of his life to bring to his learning, while keeping others apart? If so, his advancement is limited, and his trust not yet firmly established. Faithfulness is the teacher of God’s trust in the Word of God to set all things right; not some, but all. Generally, his faithfulness begins by resting on just some problems, remaining carefully limited for a time. To give up all problems to one Answer is to reverse the thinking of the world entirely. And that alone is faithfulness. Nothing but that really deserves the name. Yet each degree, however small, is worth achieving. Readiness, as the text notes, is not mastery. 
2 True faithfulness, however, does not deviate. Being consistent, it is wholly honest. Being unswerving, it is full of trust. Being based on fearlessness, it is gentle. Being certain, it is joyous. And being confident, it is tolerant. Faithfulness, then, combines in itself the other attributes of God’s teachers. It implies acceptance of the Word of God and His definition of His Son. It is to Them that faithfulness in the true sense is always directed. Toward Them it looks, seeking until it finds. And having found, it rests in quiet certainty on that alone to which all faithfulness is due.

It seems impossible not to try to place myself within the characteristics of God’s teachers. How faithful am I? How close am I to giving up all problems to one Answer and thus to reversing the thinking of the world? I’m not sure that exercise is helpful, but I seem unable to resist it.

“Does he still select some aspects of his life to bring to his learning, while keeping others apart?” This question used to haunt me because when I would find an aspect that I was holding separate from healing, I felt terribly guilty and condemned. My mind would tell me that its one thing to leave something out because I don’t recognize what I’m doing, or just don’t see it, but how could I deliberately say, “God, I don’t want you to have this part of my life. I don’t trust you with it.” 

This brought up all the old “fear of God” stuff in my mind. At the least it made me feel selfish. I’m holding back the salvation of the world because I don’t have enough faith to give over some little part of my life. I felt dishonest because I say I want to wake up, that this is my single purpose, but obviously I have another purpose. I want to be in charge of this bit of my life.

I just don’t trust God to do as good a job as I will. Oh my goodness, that is just ridiculous. I suppose that the reluctance is that there is still a deep down, hidden fear of God that has not been healed, and of course this is true. Its not a little fear, but a seemingly bottomless pit of terror that I suspect is there. The fear of God is the last obstacle to peace.

An example of something I have held back from God is my relationship with my children. When my son was sick I told God exactly what needed to be done. It was weeks of agonized begging and awful fear before I realized the faithlessness I was showing.

In a moment of healing I gave Him my son. I gave God my son completely. I didn’t say, just don’t let him suffer, or just don’t let him die. I gave Him my son in absolute trust that whatever happened was perfect even if I didn’t understand.

I trusted that God knows how to love my son even better than I do. I trusted that God knows me and knows my needs and loves me. Whatever happens, it will be for me, not against me. This surrender was not one of ultimate sacrifice, but of complete trust and brought with it peace. Since that experience, it is always easier to let go now.

I still need to be vigilant for those moments when I would hold back some part of my life. I remind myself often during the day that I would only follow. I do this by asking, “What would you have me do now?” When I notice a desire to keep a problem or a decision to myself, I quickly become willing to choose again. If I need help to make my desire complete then I ask for it.

I have one part of my life I have not trusted to God. Looking at it logically, I know I am being foolish, and yet there is still fear of giving it to Him. I no longer feel afraid God is going to punish me for my lack of faith, nor do I feel like a failure. I do feel uncomfortable because I know I am putting my faith in the ego and that’s a big mistake, but I am where I am with this, and while I do not doubt my desire to be of one mind, I also know I cannot make this happen through ego will. So I trust that my true Self will prevail and I practice patience while I wait.

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