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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 4. 3-30-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I have to laugh as I read this because just this morning, the ego turned on me. Last Friday, I received some very nice compliments from someone, and they came at a perfect time. I had been doubting myself and feeling less than, when right out of the blue someone I never expected to encourage me did so in a most surprising way. I felt gratitude toward her, and I took it as a gift from the Universe and was happy to have it.

Then this morning, I woke up with the thought that maybe I was too forthcoming and that it would cost me in the end. Maybe the loving feeling I had toward this person was misplaced, and really, I always have been too trusting. I saw that this was a grievance and I pulled myself together. I remembered that there is only one problem and the solution is readily available to me. I let this insanity go.

So just now as I read that the ego is particularly likely to attack me when I react lovingly, I just had to laugh. It certainly does. It can be vicious in its attack. This whole paragraph shows the ego’s true colors. It is confused and afraid. It doesn’t understand anything and so it attacks blindly at anything that threatens its idea of reality in even small ways.

As I think about this, I understand completely, because I have experienced this ego confusion and fear many times. I felt myself lash out in anger simply because I felt threatened. I did this even when I was unsure of the threat. When I identify with the ego, I feel the ego’s reactions as if they were mine. So I feel the fear and rage that comes with being uncertain, and I think I am angry and afraid and uncertain.

But I am not the ego and as I turn from the ego idea of reality, and listen to the Voice for God remind me of my true nature, I detach from that sad and fearful identity. It seems difficult at times, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes. The solution is right there in my mind next to the problem. The miracle is instantaneous once I decide for it. Just like that, I went from suspicion back to gratitude, from fear to love.

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