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January-March, 2004

Putting Things in a Different Light

by Rev. Myron Jones, O.M.C.

I have been working on course 905: Special Relationships vs Holy Relationships. It is a wonderful course and I’ve experienced several shifts in perception. One of the sections points out how we project our own sense of guilt onto others. It asks that I think of ways the errors in my brother seem to be hard to understand. I am asked to make note of these errors. Immediately I thought of my ex-husband. We have been divorced for very nearly four years now and I can still list his errors in pretty impressive detail, so I used him to do this exercise.

At first, I just listed things about him that irritated me. Then I added some things he did that were painful to think about. As I listed the different ways in which we wounded each other, more and more memories came to me. In my mind I relived some of the incidents that led to our divorce. As I did so, I began to re-experience the emotions that accompanied the accusations we hurled at each other. I found myself feeling angry because of things he said and did. I felt fearful as I thought that being in that situation once seemed to make it possible to be in it again.

I felt so guilty because staying in that situation seemed to be damaging to my children. I felt ashamed because I allowed this to happen to me and continued to allow it for such a long time. By the time I finished this list, I was feeling pretty drained and my most immediate thought was, “I hope I’m not going to be asked to see this differently, because I don’t see how I can.” And of course, I was asked to do just that.

This seemed like such a huge task, and truly I didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to relegate those memories to the dark place in my mind where I had been keeping them before I pulled them out for this process. But, the only way to get to the next step in this course is to get through this one, so I got started. Using the guided meditation “From Specialness to Holiness” that came with course 905, I asked the Holy Spirit to look at these thoughts with me. I asked him for a different way to see what happened in our marriage. I also asked for a different way to see my guilty condemnation of both my ex-husband and myself. I asked for healing of my reluctance to forgive.

The first thought that came to me was that so much of his behavior resulted from the way he was raised; the things he learned from his parents. I understand this because I have had to unlearn a few things I picked up as a child. We all know that not everything we learn as we are growing up is going to be helpful to us as adults. He has indicated to me in the past that he was raised in a very authoritarian atmosphere where they were taught that there is only one way to do things. They were not encouraged to question what they were told or to look for their own answers. It must have been very frustrating to him that neither his wife nor his kids accepted his authority without question. He was taught that, as the father, being the authority for his family was his job. It must have felt like he was failing in his job as the father. Being a parent is hard and we aren’t born with the necessary skills nor are we taught them. As I thought about this, I felt my resentment and anger loosening. There is another way to see things!

More than once I had tried to share with him a different way of experiencing our relationship and of raising our children. He was always resistant to anything that didn’t mirror what he already believed. Even though he was willing to admit that some of the things he was doing weren’t working, he was unable to consider changing. It always seemed to him to be the fault of the other person that his method wasn’t working. I couldn’t understand this at the time and I felt so frustrated and angry about it. Now Holy Spirit showed me something that helped me to understand.

I saw him in his dream. He was in a completely dark room. He stumbled around for awhile searching for a way out. He called for help and his ego answered him with misdirection and warned him of the danger of listening to any other voice. At first he tried to find a way out of this darkened room, but finally he became used to it. He became afraid that however bad this is, something else could be even worse. He was so afraid of losing what little he had that he became paralyzed into inaction. He sensed a door leading out, but he stopped looking for it now that he was more afraid of leaving than of staying.

Wow, that certainly puts things in a different light! Why did I have so much resistance to this process? Why did I feel the need to cling to my resentments and blame? When I asked these questions, I began to realize that it is easier to look at his errors than my own. Now I was seeing myself in that dark room with him. For years we were caught up in the defend/attack cycle, just wounding each other endlessly. It seemed to have no end and no way out. We were both listening to the wrong voice. I believed the ego when it told me that if I set my weapons aside I would be unprotected; that if I quit fighting back I would be annihilated.

I kept my attention on his errors so that I didn’t have to see my own. I didn’t think I dared look at my own because the ego assured me that they were so horrific I would certainly be condemned. Of course, what the ego didn’t tell me was that to stay focused on his errors would keep me locked in mortal combat with him even though I have physically taken myself from the arena. I thought I had made progress when I chose to step out of that darkened room we had shared for so long, but until I choose to forgive, I am still in darkness.

Though I had been afraid to look at my errors, I now saw that I would have to. The Holy Spirit assured me that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was, for a time, following a voice in the hopes of escape. I had been listening to the wrong voice and was being misled. That is all. It did not make me evil — just mistaken. There is another Voice and I am learning to listen to It. The same is true of my ex-husband. He is not evil. He is not condemned. He is just mistaken . He has access to the other Voice as well. When he is ready he will hear it, too.

The voice for the ego tried to convince me that our conflict was important and that what we did to each other as we flailed around in that blinded state would condemn us to hell. The voice for the Holy Spirit assures me that this is not so. It was actually just one more learning experience. We protracted it as long as was necessary to learn the lessons. The ego tried to convince me that I was trapped there, unable to get out. I see now that I was never trapped. I didn’t escape, I simply learned from the situation what I could. Then I stepped out of it as easily as walking through an open door.

Before I looked at this with the Holy Spirit I saw shame and fear. I saw hate and blame, recriminations and self recriminations. I hated myself for what I did and felt, and I projected those feelings onto my ex-husband so I hated him as well. With the Holy Spirit’s help I am able to look at the same situation and see past all of those dark thoughts as if they were a fog being burned off by the light of forgiveness. I had been looking on our marriage as a huge mistake, as just one senseless battle after another. I had been feeling like a failure. Now I just see our life together as two Sons of God helping each other return home.

Rev. Myron Jones is a Pathways of Light minister living in Lake Charles, Louisiana.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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January-March, 2004

When We Give, We Truly Receive

by Rev. Bob Thompson, O.M.C.

On October 11th, 2003, a neighbor asked me if I would tutor his eighth grade son, whom the father was afraid might become a high school dropout. The school had been thinking about keeping him in seventh grade for an additional year.

This resonated very strongly with me, because my end of the school year seventh grade report card had the notation, “promoted to eighth grade as long as average is above C level.” So in eighth grade, I doodled a little less, learned to swim, and kept my nose above C level (barely). Having learned to survive the ocean of eighth grade education myself, I thought that I might be able to help him keep his nose above C level, too.

I agreed to participate in the tutoring relationship and the father then talked to his son, who initially was less than enthusiastic about the first two hour session. You may consider “less than enthusiastic” an understatement. I also shared my intent to tutor with a friend, and I added, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” To which my friend smilingly replied, “Yes, Bob. You’re going to learn a lot.”

During the first session, I asked the 13 year old how he felt about spending an extra two hours working with me, especially after he had just spent a whole day in school. With no hesitation he said, “To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.” I laughed loudly and for a lon-n-n-g-g time until I had tears in my eyes. (I also began to wonder which one of us was the tutor.)

We began talking about what he would really like to do in life. He told me that he had travelled to the State of Washington last summer with a former baby sitter and her husband (also good friends and neighbors of mine) for the naval retirement of one of their sons after 20 years of service. The thirteen year old was deeply committed to becoming a Navy Seal.

Noting that he had difficulty with two, three, and four letter words, I decided to do a basic assessment. I downloaded a free vocabulary list from http://www.tampareads.com (thanks to research done by a local librarian). We started with a First Grade National Vocabulary List of 340 most frequently used words by a first grader. He was able to pronounce, and use in a sentence, 310 of them correctly (90%). He was able to spell 207 correctly (67%).

After sharing these results with him, I asked if he thought he could pass the basic entrance naval exam? He said, “No.” We decided to begin working with the First Grade National Vocabulary Work lists. I asked him about his work experience and he told me that he could do a lot of things. His basic summer job was milking cows for a local farmer, for which he woke himself up at 5:30 every morning without an alarm clock. He also was paid for construction work, cement work, roofing, and washing dishes and cleaning tables at a local country restaurant.

One Friday, I called the restaurant (knowing the owners) made reservations for four, asking if my student, the dishwasher, could be our waiter, so he could meet my friends. The arrangements were made. He did a good job going back and forth between washing dishes, cleaning off tables and serving us — doing three jobs at once.

The following Monday he told me that when they got rushed that Friday and Saturday, they would let him wait on a few other tables. He told me that in addition to his regular hourly pay, he also earned $120.00 in tips. When I mention this to friends, they seriously consider working part time, and ask, “Where is this restaurant?”

The parents invited me to a parent-teachers conference during which I mentioned his “To be old and wise, you must first be, young and stupid” statement. His learning disabilities teacher thought that was great, and wrote down the quote.

After going over his weekly schedule of activities, he felt that he could only study three times a week for two hours. We have been doing that for two months now. He rarely will take a break for a soda, even when repeatedly invited to do so. I shared with him my certainty that he was above average in intelligence and asked him why he was currently in a learning disabilities Class. He smiled and answered, “I goof around some.” (I also suspect that he is a doodler.)

We are now into the 2nd Grade National Vocabulary Lists (over 800 words). His mom and dad are both being trained and have agreed to help him with Grades 3,4, and 5, a total of another 2,500 words. The parents, though divorced for years now, meet weekly with me when they bring him and pick him up. The parents also communicate with me weekly by e-mail, as do a variety of teachers from the school. We are slowly luring other teachers into this highly creative “loop.”

His improvement since mid-October, has been astounding. Especially in his reading, and spelling abilities. He is an encyclopedia of information about everything going on within ten miles of here. ( I am really learning a lot!) Last year at 12, he shot a buck deer for himself and then shot another for his father.

He asks me questions about myself also. For example, he heard that they called me Tiger Thompson when I used to be a boxer. So next time he came over I had a collection of newspaper articles for him to read and a rather dramatic series of 8” by 10” photos documenting my effectiveness as a gladiator. I suspect that I have been or am becoming, a legend in his own mind. That is only fair, for that is what he has become to me because of his heroic efforts. He is the perfect mirror for enabling me to see myself as a child and remember so much from my past that contributed to my being who I am now.

For me, it is an outstanding example that when we give, we truly receive and that when we help another, we are truly helping ourselves. My goal is to work myself out of this highly creative, growth experience as quickly as possible ( I already know, that we are friends and bonded for life). He frequently moves me to hilarious laughter and to tears, like at this moment.

Rev. Bob Thompson is a Pathways of Light minister living in Portage, Wisconsin.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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January-March, 2004

Changing My Priorities

by Stella Romero

A Course in Miracles Workbook Lesson 332 was a good one for me. I had decorated a wicker pumpkin for the Thanksgiving holiday and took it to work. I put it on the front desk as a decoration, with the intention of taking it back home when the holiday was over. With all the flowers and other stuff I put into it, not to mention my time and effort, it turned out to be costly.

When I came into work the morning I was working with Lesson 332, I saw the pumpkin was missing. Someone had apparently stolen it. Initially, I was angry and hurt that someone would do that. I’ve got a lot of spirit when it comes to holidays and I had thought of bringing in Christmas things to decorate. But right away, I began to think “I won’t ever bring in anything else again. How can some people can be so thoughtless and inconsiderate. I don’t know why I bother, etc., etc.”

This is the sort of situation that I can dwell on over and over in my mind. These resentments can control me and rule the type of day I will have. But with the practice of these lessons, I’ve learned to turn my anger, my fear, my judgements, over to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to help me to see things differently. I don’t know who took my decoration, but somehow, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m learning to value my peace and serenity.

My priorities are changing and today I choose to experience God’s peace instead of dwelling of my fears that show up in anger, distrust and resentment. Fear truly does bind the world and I can experience how forgiveness sets it free because today, right now, I am at peace. Thank you Holy Spirit.

Stella Romero is a Pathways of Light student living in Arlington, Texas.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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January-March, 2004

Holding the Space

Rev. Shirley Patterson, O.M.C.

Pathways of Light ministers are taught from the first group encounter to “hold the space” for each other. Psychotherapists and counselors are also taught this important concept but not quite so extreme. It is very hard not to want to verbally or physically comfort someone during a painful experience. Holding the Space is so important that we are strongly discouraged not to let ourselves (ego, really) get in the way of some else’s healing. This is a very good spiritual and therapeutic practice.

On the return flight home from Kiel this past August, it occurred to me I should also be holding the space for God, that is the very least I could do. The Muslims have built into their culture to stop whatever they are doing five times a day to “hold the space” for God/Allah. What a wonderful practice this is and I am wondering what this world would be like if everyone would remember God five times a day. If nothing else, it would be a good reminder that we are never ever left alone, not even for one nanosecond. I know this is just an illusion, a miscreated thought.

Some might ask what this would look like. It does not matter what form it takes, just hold the space. Meditation could be used as one form. However, unless one is an experienced meditator it is quite difficult to have no thoughts for more than a minute or two.

Wayne Dyer called this process “getting in the gap” and in fact, has a book out called just that. Eckhart Tolle speaks about “entering the space” Dr. (Brother) Wayne Teasdale and Thomas Keating, Catholic monks, also address this as “lecto divina and the Centering Prayer.” I simply call it “getting into the zone” which I believe is a phrase that athletes use. It is obvious that ‘holding the space” for God is not a new concept but has been called various names.

Mystics (Merton and many of us) also use another form called contemplation. They love to contemplate on sacred and holy things and on God in general. They rarely get fooled by worldly illusions and hold God in their minds most, if not all the time. Mystics not only meditate and contemplate but they pray, usually unceasing along with reading, perhaps studying and teaching to keep close to God (they know they are never separated from the Source). They truly hold the space for the Holy Spirit.

These are a few of the ways one could practice Holding the Space for our Beloved. God is truly wonderful and I cannot conceive of not having this Energy in my life. Thank you God! Thank you!

Rev. Shirley Patterson is a Pathways of Light minister, living in Tacoma, Washington.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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