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April-June, 2010

Chickadees

by Rev. Elizabeth Griffin

The operation to remove the tumor did not go well. The pleasantly plump anesthesiologist with an equally pleasant voice asked me to think of something nice before I went under. That of course made me think of the boys and I awoke from the anesthesia coughing and vomiting on my need to hold my children in my arms again. Plus, they found more cancer. My sentinel gland was completely saturated with cancer as was the capillary leading from the tumor to my lymph node area along the top half of my right breast. It wasn’t clear how much the cancer had spread. I stayed in the hospital for an additional four days for further observation, and before I went home, I was told I would have to come back for a second operation in two weeks. The possibility of a single or double mastectomy was on the horizon if they couldn’t cut out all the cancer during the second operation. My sons were 5 and 6 ½. I was beyond shock. There was no propensity for breast cancer in my family.  I finished breast feeding not even 4 years ago; I was healthy; I felt absolutely fine; this couldn’t be. 

The morning of the second operation, I woke up early. It was still dark; the winter morning sun was just beginning to come up. I put on the earphones and listened to some music. Without intending to, I went deeply into meditation. The music seemed to fill me. In my mind’s eye, I started to dance or move in a free-flowing way. And then two large, I guess they were eyes looked at me. They became part of me and although always having a sense of being watched, danced with me or danced of me or rather I danced in them. Just then the nurse came in. I opened my eyes to see a rush of chickadees circle and chirp near my window.  (My father had told me on the phone the day before, “look for the chickadees; they will be my blessings coming to greet you.”) I was wheeled off to the operating room and kept “the eyes” with me. This time I was ready with an image of our garden when the (same) anesthesiologist told me to relax as they inserted the needle that would put me to sleep. I woke up peacefully this time, glad it was over (for now).

Once back in my room, I took in a deep breath and relaxed. I could feel my stitches arced around my right breast and under my arm. The drip bag was at my side helping my lymph nodes drain correctly. 

Winter sunlight was everywhere. I was alone with nothing to do or say. I felt a kind of nothingness, like in the desert, a nothing filled with something… more. I leaned back and let my body relax completely; I felt the fluffiness of all the pillows holding up my torso and arms. 

My father called. He was always the first to talk with me in an emergency and these days he was calling me every day. I finally let his overly protective nature surround and love me. How I had pushed him away.  My autonomy and hard headedness were well formed. He and most men were to blame for mom leaving. They made her feel oppressed and she needed a way out.  A wedge of pain formed inside myself. I remember well how I went into the garage when I was alone in the house. I guess I was 8. I searched for a dark solitary corner or somewhere to put myself and the endless sadness of missing my mother. I calmly reasoned “it hurts when I breathe.  If I stop breathing, I could stop the pain.”  All these years, the chasm was now ready to be filled. I suppose my father’s love was a good start. 

The chickadees sat outside my window in a fat chorus line cocking their heads as they stared in. All the if’s, but’s, why’s, why not’s and because’s in life slid away.  The Presence of the moment filled me,  enfolded me and for an endless instant, it was all that mattered.

“I got it all out” the normally grumpy surgeon told me the morning I came back for the follow up report. No other lymph nodes showed signs of cancer. “Your body behaved as it should have; the sentinel gland soaked up what cancer cells it could and while it was completely saturated, the cancer did not spread to any other nodes. As well, no more tissue with microscopic tumors was found in the breast area. No other operations would be necessary.” 

I had stared down the cancer. The Holy Moment I felt in the hospital is where I wanted to be. It is where I would place my will, and where, I was sure, I would be restored to health.

Rev. Elizabeth Griffin is a Pathways of Light minister living in Trieste, Italy. This summer, her book A TASTE OF GRACE, Meditations and Recipes for a Fulfilling life — a small group meditation and discussion guide will be available with Fearless Books, edited by D. Patrick Miller. To find out more, go to
http://www.tasteofgracebook.com

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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April-June, 2010

Fear, Pain and a Wondrous Heart!

by Rev. Bob Thompson

As I look back on my life, and all the changes in occupations, residences, relationships, and many varied experiences, it truly seems that perhaps in some very real way, I have already lived several lifetimes.

As a grade school and high school student, I lived with fear, because my two brothers and I were repeatedly, physically, and emotionally bullied by other students. We never thought of ourselves as fighters. For us it was flight, not fight, and so we three became very accomplished runners while still quite young.

I also boxed in my high school senior year. I know now that I volunteered to do so because of fear. Boxing was a way for me to face the fear of being physically hurt.

My first fight in the high school boxing ring, was with Whitey, who was a heavyweight. It was a well-attended, evening, community event. My high school fighting weight was 152 pounds. Whitey probably weighed around 200 or so. I remember Coach Siewert asking me to fight Whitey, and today am still amazed that he asked me to do so. I am even more amazed that I agreed! I think it very probable that Coach Siewert saw something in me at that time that I did not see in myself. The results of that fight justified Coach Siewert’s apparent “faith” in me.

My final public high school boxing match, was with Peter B. III. My copy of the Portage Paper’s description of that boxing match with Peter reveal an aggressive side to my nature that I did not know existed.

Then came a major change. Upon finishing high school, I volunteered into the U.S. Army. After Basic Infantry Training, I received two months of Military Police Training. I was then shipped to La Republica de Panama. In Panama, I fought in the military for two boxing seasons, participating in memorable fights in the Panama Area Armed Forces Tournaments.

Boxing in Panama brings back three vivid memories: The first, of my being “booed” by several thousand soldiers before my fight began because the Military Police on our base were not well liked. To have several thousand people project their dislike onto you noisily, in public, is devastating. It is like having the crap beaten out of you, psychologically and emotionally, before the physical fight actually begins. They booed me, three fights in a row! I remember asking myself, “What am I doing here?” I know now that the answer was,  again, my coping with early fears from being bullied and being physically hurt. At the time though, it was just something that I thought I had to do and was willing to do again and again, without really understanding why.

The second event was winning my first three military matches with first round knock-outs. Nobody was more surprised than I! I was just trying to keep from getting killed. (Which thousands were hoping would happen!) That first year I received the Best Sportsmanship Award as a boxer from the base commander. People later told me, that my dad, Charles Thompson, carried some of those newspaper clippings and 8x10 photos with him to share with many in the Portage area.

The third boxing event is etched in my memory. As I was leaving the ring after a fight in the Panama Area Armed Forces Boxing Tournament, I was given a standing ovation from the spectators for a fight that I lost. It may well have been my very best fight, ever. I wonder to this day what prompted those spectators to applaud the bloodied loser as he was leaving the ring. I suspect they saw something in me which I am only now just beginning to see in myself. 

And now, at 73, as I look back on all those fear motivated experiences over fifty years ago, I ask myself, “What came of all that?” This is what I have finally learned. That I have a wondrous heart. And so do you.

Rev. Robert Thompson is a Pathways of Light minister living in Portage, Wisconsin. Web site: wwwbumpityroad.org

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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April-June, 2010

Into This Peace I Stumble

by Barret Hedeen

Into this peace
I stumble and fall
Awkward and clumsy
— not sure at all.

I gaze at the light.
It hurts my eyes
And so I settle for
emptiness, lies

And wander adrift
on this empty sea
Miles of unbroken
nothing before me.

My eyes crusted over
and heart in a knot
Struggling to hold on to
all that I got.

I gave up and lay down,
preparing to sink
And then what occurs
is not what I think.

A hand comes beneath me
— holding me up
And into the clouds do we go
— up, up! up!

As despairing I’d been
— it now is reversed
Where once had been bad
— it’s good! Not the worst!

Now I’ve been lifted
right to the Big Guy
And so I look at Him,
right in the eye

And ask Him this question
that I need to know
Where, oh where God
— oh where did you go?”

And now He answers.
It blows me away
— I’m here within You
— what else can I say?”

And then it is done.
He touched me deeply
And helped me see
that that touch come from Me.

Barret Hedeen lives in Cardiff by the Sea, California.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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April-June, 2010

Letting Go of Judgment

by Rev. Sharyn Zenz

One morning while talking to my sister on the telephone, I felt like she was making some judgments as she spoke. Then after thinking about it I really came to realize that anytime I think someone is judging, it is me who is judging them! It would be impossible for me to see them as judging, unless I was making a judgment that they were judging.

As I drove to work the next morning I was listening to Byron Katie’s tapes and it was talking about judging also. I really paid attention, as this subject keeps coming up for me to look at. One of the things she said was, “I am who I think you are in the moment I’m thinking it!” To me that meant that every thought I have of anyone else is really only a reflection of who I really think I am!

Wow, how important it is to observe my thoughts and don’t say a word before thinking about it first. I need to monitor my thoughts to make sure that when I make a statement to someone, it is coming from Love and not the ego mind. That is called self -love. And when we really love ourselves it is easy to love others.

Another thing I heard on the CD was, “The only obstacles between you and me are the thoughts I am thinking about you.” It reminded me that my intention is to remove the blocks to love, as A Course In Miracles says, not to build the obstacles! Anytime I reflect to others any thoughts that are not from love, I am building obstacles instead of breaking them down.

After going to Spirit with this, this is what I heard: The only judge you will ever need in all of eternity is Me. What others say has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s actually none of your business. The way you feel is always a choice that you have made.

With Me at your side you can always be assured that everything is in perfect order. When you think others are judging you, remember they are pointing one finger at you and three back at themselves. The same goes for you. The only judgment you ever need to make is whether or not it is in your best interest to ask Me. And of course the answer is always “yes” to that one.

You choose happiness instead of sadness when you follow Me. You will feel the freedom that comes within yourself when you trust in Me to make all your decisions. NEVER leave any decision to chance! Willingly lay all judgment aside. If you feel others are judging you, do not judge them, just send them love.  That is their way of asking for love even though they don’t even realize it.

Remember what your brother Jesus said “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” They don’t even realize that they are judging. Just extend the Love that you are to them. That is how you remove the blocks to love’s presence and that is your only job.

Rev. Sharyn Zenz is a Pathways of Light minister living in Green Bay, Wisconsin. She serves as the Office Liaison for Students/Facilitators at Pathways of Light.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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