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A Peace Message

A Peace Message

Peace in our world seems to be more and more elusive. It is a frightening situation. My first reaction is denial. I try not to think about it, and try instead to pretend that all is well. I don?t have anyone close to me in Iraq and I don?t watch news, so it is easier to stay in denial.

The worst part about what is happening today is the feeling of having no control. The people who are making the decisions don?t ask my opinion and don?t seem to care what I think. They are feeding the fear which drives the need to attack and defend. Most of the time I think it is because those in charge are driven by their own fear, and in my more paranoid moments I am afraid their motives are centered around power and financial gain.

There is little I can do to influence the decisions of those in power other than to write my congressman and let him know that I am for peace and that I vote. But, that doesn?t mean there is nothing I can do to promote peace. I can choose peace on a personal level. If I wait until the world feels peaceful to experience peace in my life, I have a long wait. The world isn?t about peace. In fact, it is about the very opposite. The world is about separation, which fosters conflict and chaos. 

In our separated state, every one is in conflict with everyone else in one way or another. We are constantly drawing a line in the sand. I live on this side of the bridge, they live on the other side. I am from Louisiana. This makes me different from those in other states. I want my congressman to put my needs ahead of those who live elsewhere. I am from the south, they are from the north. I draw another imaginary line in the sand where I perceive my country ends, and theirs begins. I differentiate myself by gender, by skin color, by culture. Every way I describe myself in some way excludes someone else.

Every time we foster separation, we are sacrificing peace.  Our only hope for peace is Unity. Instead of looking for ways to make different, look for ways we are the same. Forget where I was born. Forget what language I speak, where I went to school, what kind of work I do. None of that means anything. None of that is going with me when I leave this life. All that I will take with me is what God created. All I will take with me is my Spirit, and in Spirit, we are the same; we are one. In our oneness there is only peace. So, one way I can foster peace is by looking past all that insignificant stuff and seeing in you only what is real.

In the end, peace is a personal issue. I look around at all that is happening and I think that peace is beyond my grasp. So much of what I see suggests anything but peace. I have a problem, I solve the problem, and another problem pops up. The problems will always be here. If I intend to wait until they are all solved in order to experience peace, I can just save myself the disappointment and give up now.  But I can have peace, not because I have solved my problems, but in spite of my problems. How I feel about what is happening in my life is up to me. If I feel anxious and frightened; if I have given my peace away, I can choose again. I can choose peace. You can choose peace. We can choose peace, you and I, regardless of what seems to be happening all around us.

To make this work, we have to decide that the peace of what God is what we want; that the peace of God is all we want. Once we make that decision, it is only a matter of practicing peace until the decision for peace has become so much a part of our consciousness that we choose it automatically in every circumstance. I choose peace. My decision in this area has been made, and I feel the support of Heaven in my decision. I know that peace is possible on a personal level, and as this choice spreads to other people, the way we see our world will change. Eventually, through the weight of many, many individual decisions for peace, our world will begin to mirror heaven rather than hell.

Now that I have chosen peace, how do I practice it? First, I understand that I strengthen what I support with my belief. So I am very careful what thoughts I entertain. If I feel a loss of peace, I know that my thoughts are about war, instead of peace. I try to follow my feelings to the thoughts that caused them and then to the beliefs that foster those thoughts. For instance, the other day I was reading the paper and came across something that President Bush said which caused me to feel angry. I stopped and asked the Holy Spirit to look with me at this. My anger signaled me that I had lost my peace. What caused it? What were the thoughts that triggered this loss?

I see that I was thinking I disagreed with what the President said. I thought he was making a mistake. I wondered if he cared about all the young men and women whos lives he was responsible for. I felt powerless to change what he says and does, and yet I will be very much affected by his actions.  No wonder I had lost my peace. Unless I deliberately go through this process, I simply feel anger and loss of peace, but am unaware of the thoughts that brought these feelings on. OK, I see my thoughts pretty clearly. Now what? I ask the Holy Spirit to help me get to the belief behind the thoughts.

The Holy Spirit helped me to see that I was feeling so threatened because I believe that I am weak and vulnerable. The reason I feel like that is because I think I am on my own, that I chose this state by denying God His Fatherhood. I literally turned my back on God, and now think He is mad at me, and has left me to fend for myself. God created me like Himself, but now I have turned the tables (in my deluded mind, at least) and have created Him to be like myself. I have given Him an ego with which to be offended, and so see Him reacting in the same way I would react. I see God as leaving me weak and vulnerable, without the power He created me with, as punishment for my choices.

I am free to continue to believe this if I want. God will not force me to accept His Love. He will not force me to see things differently, to accept that His Love is unconditional. However, I can invite the Holy Spirit into my mind and ask that He heal my thoughts, and He will. That is His joy and His purpose. He will never fail to respond to the slightest welcoming on my part. My invitation to healing is celebrated in Heaven.

As the Holy Spirit heals my thoughts, I feel the peace of God envelope me like a warm blanket on a cold night. As my mind is soothed, I become aware that He invites me to see President Bush as God sees him. I am able to see Bush and his assistants as the children of God that they are. I see that they are doing the best that they can. I am grateful that I am not in their place, and that the hard decisions are not mine to make. Through this healing, I am able to back away from my self declared war, and to live my life in peace.

So, I have taught myself to be aware of my feelings. I have followed those feelings to my thoughts. I have looked with the Holy Spirit at some of the beliefs behind those thoughts. I have invited the Holy Spirit to heal my mind, and He, of course, has responded to my call. Does this mean that I am through? Does this mean that I will never have another unpeaceful moment? Well, maybe, but probably not. It will probably take some practice to make this state of mind permanent for me. No problem; I will have many opportunities to practice.

Another thing I have learned is, I cannot compartmentalize my beliefs. If I want peace in one part of my life, I cannot practice war in another part. If someone makes me angry in my day to day life, and I decide to make my anger real and justified, I will lose my peace. Here is the thing; I cannot lose my peace a little; I cannot lose my peace in part of my life and keep it in another. If I give up my peace at all, I am not in peace. So, when I committed to the idea of putting peace first, I did so with the realization that it was a total commitment. I choose peace in every situation.

This seemed overwhelming at first. I couldn?t imagine how I would do it. And by myself, I could not. But, I am not by myself. I have the help of Heaven. I have the help of the Holy Spirit. I am guided and I am strengthened and I am healed. All I have to do is remember to ask, and give all the willingness I can muster to my acceptance of the help offered.

When I heard that my daughter,Susan would not be with me for Christmas, I lost my peace. I felt so sad. I felt a lot of anxiety. I worried about how she would handle it. I wanted it to be someone?s fault so I could project these uncomfortable feelings outward and get the temporary illusion of being rid of them, but I couldn?t think who to blame. I reasoned with myself about this, telling myself that it is just another day, and that she made the mature choice to stay and work instead of giving into her feelings of homesickness. But nothing made me feel better. I was not a peace. I was in conflict. I was at war. I started to notice that I was feeling tired. These emotions were draining my energy. I was also losing interest in the Christmas season. I wasn?t offering blessings to others with my actions, often not even offering a smile, the simplest gift of all. I began to look at my work as a burden I wanted to just get through even though this is usually my favorite time of the year at work. I knew that I had given up my peace with Susan not coming home, and by giving up my peace in this one area of my life, loss of peace had spread through the rest of my life like a rampant virus, eating up my happiness.

I remembered my commitment to peace and so took all these feelings and these thoughts to God. He reminded me that I was equating Susan with her body which can, indeed, be separate from mine, but that she is not her body. In spirit we are one in God, and cannot be separate. In God there is no space and no time. Through the Holy Spirit, I began to experience my connection with Susan and to feel the same love I felt when I held her as tiny baby in my arms. That love cannot be lost and cannot be taken from me by distance.

I regained my peace, and that peace spread to the rest of my life and touched everyone in my life. Just as they could feel my unease even though they may not recognize it for what it was, they could now feel my peacefulness. Peacefulness is of God and so it is strong, and it is extended, from one to the next. We accept it into our lives, and this makes it available to others who come into our lives. Peacefulness is attractive. When we see it in someone else, we want it for ourselves. This is how we spread peace.

I have talked about how I have lost my peace over what politicians are saying and doing; over war with other countries, and because Susan couldn?t come home for Christmas. The temptation is to put these in order of importance. Going to war with another country seems far more important than Susan missing Christmas at home. But, to my peace of mind, one is just as important as another. This is because if I lose my peace, I?ve lost my peace. It doesn?t matter why I gave it up, it is gone. So, in that way, all things that I allow to disrupt my peace are the same, and have the same solution.

In order to regain my peace I only need to take the un-peaceful thought, whatever it is, to the Holy Spirit for healing. With the Holy Spirit?s help, I will change my mind. No thought is harder to change than any other. If it seems harder, it is only because I am choosing not to change my mind. I am choosing to hold onto the thought. Once I release my resistance to changing my mind, I can regain my peace. It is never any harder than this, and never any easier.

So, this is what I have learned about peace. If I want peace for my country, for my planet, I must first choose peace for myself. Peace is a personal choice. It is a matter of looking at my thoughts with the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to heal all those thoughts that do not foster peace. It is about rejecting separation thoughts and choosing to see our oneness instead.  My peace will be attractive to others and they will want it for themselves. This chain of peace will gather strength as more join it. The combined choice for personal peace will bring peace to our world. My responsibility is to choose peace for myself. With God?s help, I can do this.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

MY WANTING IS A WALL BETWEEN ME AND HEAVEN

Sometimes I feel like there is a wall between myself and Heaven. The wall is made up of stones that are my wanting. What do I want? What do I think I want that is more than Heaven? My ego provides me with a wide array of “things” that catch my attention. The world is full of distractions. That is what it is for. When I see these things and think they are out of my reach, they become compelling, and I give my time and effort to attaining them.

When I first thought I might like to remove the wall, I tried to move the stones one at a time, and they were heavy and awkward. When I learned to seek help from the Holy Spirit, the bricks seemed to become lighter, and easier to move. Sometimes, I would take one down only to put it back in place because my desire to release it wasn’t complete. So it has been slow going.

I am starting to think, though, that the stones are not heavy at all. In fact, they are starting to feel ethereal. Instead of the Holy Spirit helping me to lift and move them, we are beginning a different process. He is teaching me to see through the stone wall. He is showing me how insubstantial it really is. The stones are an illusion. I think they are solid and heavy only because I want them to be solid and heavy. As I change my mind about that, I begin to think I can walk right through that wall. Right now I am still afraid to do it, but I am willing to release my fear. I invite the Holy Spirit into my mind and ask that He heal my fear thoughts.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

A True Christmas Gift

I love Christmas. I love that we are celebrating Jesus’ birthday. I love the giving and receiving of gifts. But when I think about it, I realize that every day is a holy day because it is filled with gifts for me. Each person I meet today gives me the opportunity to love him or her completely. If I choose to take advantage of this opportunity, I will be given the gift of feeling completely loved. It is the law of giving and receiving. As I give, so shall I receive.

I don’t always give and receive wisely. I was thinking about something that happened when I was married. I wanted to buy something for my son at Christmas, but I knew if I asked Greg about it, he would say no. So, I didn?t want to ask. I just decided to buy what I wanted. It cost too much money and I felt guilty. It felt dishonest, and like a betrayal. It also expressed a depressing lack of trust in God as my Source, so I felt guilty for not having faith. I didn?t like this feeling, so I decided it wasn’t my fault.

All those feelings of guilt and betrayal felt so bad, I wanted them out of me so I just spewed them all over Greg. This is called projection. I projected the guilt and betrayal out of me and onto Him. Now I could imagine he was the one who was guilty and had betrayed me. Whew! That?s better. I prefer all that stuff be outside my self.

You might wonder how I managed to make this his fault. I decided that if he were a more loving father he would have wanted Toby to have this gift. If he were not so selfish and self centered he would have been ready to sacrifice for his child. After all, wasn?t I prepared to sacrifice? I must be the better parent. When you really look at it, I am the good guy here, and he?s the one who is wrong. My only option is to be sneaky, underhanded and dishonest. He made me do it. It?s all his fault. I have every right to act in my own best interest and every right to blame him for putting me in this position.

Wow! Am I clever, or what? I was able to completely exonerate myself from my bad behavior and at the same time place the blame outside myself. And, putting it outside me was the whole point. I think that if I project it out of me, I have gotten rid of it. It doesn?t actually work, though. It seems to be on him, but it remains in me, (remember the rule of giving; what you give you receive?) where it is now hidden and grows in the dark out of sight. It builds up and gathers other sins to it until I finally think there is no hope for me, leaving me believing I am a sinner, dark and evil, but no longer remembering why this is true.

This was an example of choosing to listen to the little ego voice in me. This voice always directs me against God. It is the part of me that thinks I betrayed God and it is very afraid of God. My ego self wants only to stay in this delusional state where, like an ostrich with its head in the sand, thinks it is safely hidden from God. It plays the same projection game with God, placing the blame for this sorry state of affairs on Him, by reasoning that it must be God?s fault that we are separated; that God is angry with me and wants retribution for all my imagined sins.

I don?t have to listen to the ego?s voice. I have two voices in me, because regardless of the ego version of things, God never left me. He placed His Voice, the Holy Spirit, in me so that I could always find my way back home to Him. I can decide for God. I can choose to listen to the Voice for God. I bring my anger and frustration about the gift to God. I tell Him the whole story; how I want this for Toby, how I know Greg will veto it, how angry I feel about this, how frustrated and trapped. I know there is another way to see this, and I ask the Holy Spirit for His vision.

This is hard to do at first, because I can?t imagine how a different outcome would be better. I have convinced myself that my happiness and the happiness of my son depend on the outcome. So, I start out by telling God what His answer should be, and then wait to have my desires granted. When that brought me no peace, I finally gave up. I was tired of feeling miserable and I wanted peace, so I told the Holy Spirit that I was ready to listen to Him. It was like I had unlocked the flood gates in my mind, and new ways of seeing this came pouring through.

I saw that I had decided in my own mind how Greg would react. I then reacted to my version of circumstances as if they had actually happened. He might, after all, decide with me on this, that Toby should have this gift. I might be robbing him of an opportunity to express his generosity.

I also saw that I had decided that Toby needed this particular gift. I made it such a big deal that I had lost sight of the fact that I didn?t even know for sure he wanted it. I saw that even if he wanted it, if I bought him something I couldn?t afford, I would be teaching him that things are important, more important than people and relationships. I would be teaching him that one more present is all he needs to make him happy.
 
These thoughts are not radical and I don?t know why I didn?t think of them before. I think it must have been that the power of my wanting was a like a clog in the floodgate. It was so firmly set in my mind that I needed this gift that nothing else could get past it. When I finally wanted something else more (that is, my peace of mind), the passage way to other thoughts was opened, and they came flooding in. Suddenly, I could see that projecting my fears onto someone else wasn?t the way to be rid of them. It was much more effective to look at these thoughts in the light and to allow the Holy Spirit to show me a different way to see them.

There are so many opportunities to bring my everyday life to God. Sometimes life seems so complicated.  It seems there are endless choices to make and endless variations to decide from. In truth, there are only two choices; I can choose to listen to my ego, or I can choose to listen to God. I will know which I chose by how that choice makes me feel. If I choose God, I will feel joy and peace. Any other emotions indicate that I have chosen wrongly. Of course, as I become aware of the error, I am always free to choose again.

Dan Joseph, who wrote “Inner Healing”, spoke of love as a free flowing river that runs through all of life. I don?t have to do anything to keep the river flowing. Flowing is what it does. However, there are things I can do to slow down or block the natural flow of love. I can choose against God by choosing against love. I know I have done this when I feel anger or fear or guilt. With each wrong choice, it is as if I placed a boulder in the river and now I am getting only a trickle instead of the strong flow I had before. It doesn?t mean that the river dried up and ceased to exist, but that I blocked its flow and am no longer aware of it. If it stays blocked long enough, I forget that it was ever available to me.

It happens as it did when I projected my unloving feelings onto Greg. I felt guilty about what I was doing, even when I didn?t consciously think about it. While I felt guilty, I didn?t feel loving toward him. I was too busy making him the bad guy to love him. Can you imagine how this might have played out? I have now convinced myself he is a selfish, self centered person who is intent on ruining my Christmas and my son?s Christmas. Do you think I could treat him in a loving way? Could I afford to feel love coming from him?

If I allowed myself to feel his love, I would have to reassess my reasoning around the Christmas gift, and then I might have to acknowledge my guilt and all my carefully constructed projections would be undone. So plop, another rock dropped into the stream, blocking my awareness of the endless flow of God?s love.

So, my job is to undo my blocks to love. If I choose to listen to the Voice for God, I could start doing this. I could see a new possibility and approach Greg with my intentions. Perhaps he would hear my reasoning and decide with me. Or perhaps he would, indeed, recognize that it is an extravagant gift we cannot afford, and veto the idea. But now, without the ego?s voice to muddy the waters, I see his point and recognize there are other gifts that will work as well and be better all the way around. I have removed the boulder from the stream and love flows freely.

I gave Toby a great Christmas gift that year, but no matter how terrific a gift is, it is just a thing, a material object with no real meaning outside what we give it. It has no lasting value of itself.  There was a true Christmas gift, though. It was the one I gave myself, and by extension, my family. This was the gift of love. I chose God when I chose to listen to the Voice for God over the ego’s voice. I chose love. I chose peace. Those are real Christmas gifts.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

Accessing Inner Wisdom

ACCESSING INNER WISDOM

My daughter, Sheryl and I were talking about the twelve steps and particularly about step four which calls for a searching and fearless moral inventory. She was explaining to me the purpose of this step and why it is so important that an addict do this. I think it would be a really great idea for everyone to do it, though most people never do anything like it. I have never been in a twelve step program, but I have done similar work and one process in particular made me think of step four, because it calls for fearlessness as I look at my life, and surrender as I give what I find to God for healing, recognizing that I cannot do it without Him.

There are things I have done in my life that I am not proud of. The way I used to handle these things was through denial. What a great tool denial seemed to be. I just pushed the stuff way back into my mind and covered it up with other stuff. Pretty soon, it was like I couldn?t remember it. Oh sure, I would get triggered from time to time and it would pop up. Those sudden unexpected pop-ups could be pretty disconcerting, but with a little effort I could usually get it buried again.

Another useful tool was blame. Actually, I could always find a way to place blame for nearly anything, and as long as that place was outside me, I considered the job a success. If I wasn?t being a very good parent then it was surely because my mom didn?t do a good job modeling that for me. With the way I was raised who could expect me to know how to parent. Or, if I lost my temper during an argument with my partner, it was his fault. His behavior justified my response. I mean, who wouldn?t have lost it when faced with someone who acts like him.

Sometimes, my behavior was so bad that I really couldn?t afford to think about it at all. I just couldn?t look at it. If I accidentally looked, if for some reason looking was unavoidable, I could spend the next few days in a deep depression. Sometimes I could avoid a response by keeping frantically busy. I spent a period of my life so intent on keeping my dark secrets buried that I shopped myself into bankruptcy.

The problem with dark secrets is that they poison you. They poison the personality. The symptoms are extreme whininess, depression, joylessness. They poison your behaviors and cause you to spend too much money, drink too much alcohol, do drugs, practice obsessive behaviors of all sorts. They poison the way you see the world and how you react to it. Your secrets make you feel vulnerable and so you spend your time defending yourself through attack. It requires great vigilance to keep those secrets buried so you become very self absorbed. You start to feel isolated and alone.

Your dark secrets spread their poison to your body. The stress this constant vigilance puts on your body, leaves you vulnerable for all sorts of illnesses. You begin to experience migraines or stomach disorders. If you hold onto grievances long enough you invite in cancer or arthritis.

A few years ago, I began to see another way to do this. I was introduced to the idea that I can forgive all this stuff. It seemed like a pretty farfetched idea. I had been harboring some of these sins for a long time. They had seemed bad at first, now they seemed monstrous. I couldn?t even look at them. How could I forgive them. Well, that was the second part of the good news. I didn?t have to look at them alone and I didn?t have to forgive them. I just had to be willing to accept forgiveness.

I have talked about the forgiveness process before. In fact, I have talked about it more than once. It works in a lot of ways, but this is the first place I ever used it. Let me tell you about how this happened.

When my first two children were still very young, I chickened out of being a parent. I was just terrified of the responsibility. I gave them to their father who I thought would do a much better job without me there to screw it all up. I visited them and they visited me, but I didn?t have to make those day to day decisions and do the work it took to raise them.

Then I spent the rest of my life regretting that decision. I felt such smothering guilt that I could hardly stand myself. I tried everything to run away from myself. I tried drugs, alcohol, many unsuccessful relationships looking for someone who could restore my self worth. I tried over and over to make up for my early error. I tried to be a good parent to them in every way I could think of. I had other children and threw myself into motherhood with a ferocity, thinking that maybe this second chance would afford me salvation. I suffered all of the symptoms of denial that I talked about earlier. Even when I wasn?t thinking about the guilt, it was there in an unconscious way affecting how I felt and how I acted. I was able to gain only temporary peace broken by periods of intense grief.

By the time I had begun studying for the ministry, I had made an uneasy peace with my misery. That was when I was first began to understand true forgiveness. I had been reading about forgiveness in the Bible and in A Course in Miracles, but I just wasn?t opened to truly forgiving. A fellow ministerial student took me through a process called Accessing Inner Wisdom. It is a really simple spiritual process. She helped me to get comfortable and relaxed and guided me into a meditative state.

She helped to provide a safe environment for me to access the Holy Spirit. God placed the Holy Spirit in me so that I would always have His Voice, but I seldom took advantage of that. I didn?t think I could afford to talk to God about my errors. I was afraid to do this, as if He wouldn?t know about them unless I confessed all. It?s a pretty silly way to think, but that seems to be the way I was thinking all the same. Finally though, I was able to trust Him enough to tell Him my secrets. I told Him the whole story, and how I felt about it, and how hard it was to live with my guilt. I brought up all the deep dark secrets, every bad parenting decision I had made that I could think of. Together, we looked at each one.

At first it was so painful looking at all this stuff, saying it out loud, hearing myself enumerate each supposed sin. Then it got easier and even started feeling better. I felt lighter as I unburdened myself. But we didn?t leave it there. My friend took me further through the process as she brought me into the Light where I allowed God to heal me. Before now I had not been able to look at this alone, and when I accidentally glimpsed it I was left only with pain. But when I looked with the Holy Spirit, and when I invited forgiveness and healing through God, it was a miracle.

In the final part of the process, I was directed to ask the Holy Spirit for a personal message, a new focus from an aware perspective. He said to me that I had never made a mistake in my life. He said I was only learning lessons and that I needed to learn those lessons, and now I could pass them on to others as well as to my children. Through this healing I would be able to give them what they need.

This was the most extraordinary miracle. I was able to release a lifetime of shame, fear, and guilt. Being free of that also helped me to be a better parent. I was able to focus more on my children and their needs now that I wasn?t always focused on my guilt and my need to be forgiven.

I use this process all of the time now. I don?t always use the formal approach involving another minister, but I do the same thing by myself. When I feel I need to forgive myself, when I?ve made an error, I invite the Holy Spirit to look at it with me. I tell him all about it just as if I were speaking to you. I?ve learned that it doesn?t matter what I do, it is never so bad that I cannot freely speak of it with the Holy Spirit.

I think of it as bringing my dark thoughts into the light. And what happens when you shine a light into a dark space? The darkness disappears, doesn?t it? The light doesn?t beat it back. There is no battle. The light simply replaces the darkness. That is what happens for me when I look at my errors in the Light of the Holy Spirit. Then I ask the Holy Spirit to heal me. I ask Him to heal my thoughts and to show me another way to see. He always answers, and the change He creates in my thinking is a real miracle. Then I ask for God?s love and comfort.

I use this process in a lot of different circumstances. If I feel sad or angry, guilty or fearful, I bring these feelings to the Holy Spirit and I ask Him to help me sort them out. With His help, I trace these feelings back to the thoughts that caused them, and then to the belief behind the thoughts. Then I ask the Holy Spirit to heal these beliefs and to give me new beliefs, beliefs that will work in my life and bring me joy instead of sadness. There seems to be no circumstance in which this process isn?t helpful.

It took some courage to take that first look into the dark closet of my secret sins, but I am so glad I did it. I am especially glad that I did it with the Holy Spirit and I am so grateful for the miracle of forgiveness. Now I naturally surrender control of my life to God and I don?t know why I ever hesitated to do this.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

WHO IS THAT BEHIND THE MASK?

WHO IS THAT BEHIND THE MASK?

I have spent nearly all of my life in a kind of spiritual amnesia. I had forgotten who I was. From the moment I was born into this illusion that I think of as my life, I began to look for a separate identity for myself. I was born with one question on my mind: Who am I?

In my search for my identity, I played many roles, and wore many masks. On his website, Dan Joseph tells a story about the roles we play and the masks we wear.

The Costume Ball
Imagine that you are invited to a masquerade ball. You spend weeks choosing a costume for the event. Should you dress up as royalty? As a villain? As someone famous? As an angel?
You eventually settle on a costume, and go to the ball. There you find hundreds of other people, dressed in the widest variety of outfits. The party is all in good fun, and you play through the night in your chosen role.
Then, around midnight, a strange thing happens. Everyone in the costume ball suddenly falls asleep. When they awake, their memories have vanished. Where am I? everyone asks. And silently, they wonder: Who am I?

People look around the room, and begin to sort out the situation. Over there is someone dressed in gold finery, with a crown. She must be the queen of this place. And look at him over there ? he has knives and swords. He must be dangerous. And look at that one: she looks like some sort of animal. Maybe she?s crazy.

There?s a great scramble. People flock to the “good” people, away from the “bad” ones. Some of the good people bravely begin to round up the bad ones, using the weapons at their disposal. For a while there?s a chaotic melee. Eventually, after a struggle, things settle down. The bad people are subdued, and they sit ? tied together ? in the middle of the room.
Then, abruptly, part of a man?s costume falls away, and a woman cries out. “Wait,” she says, “I remember now. That pirate ? he?s my husband. He isn?t really a pirate.” The memories begin to return. “She isn?t a queen ? she?s just dressed that way. And he?s no priest, I?ll tell you that.”

As the costumes come off, people begin to remember their true relationships. “I?m sorry, I didn?t recognize you,” they say as they untie their friends and family. “Please forgive me ? I forgot who you were.” “I don?t know what came over me.”

The party-goers shake their heads at the strange turn of events. They tear off their costumes as they walk out of the party, concerned that they might forget again.
“How easily we are fooled,” remarks a man as he tosses away a mask. “A little cardboard, a little paint, and our loved ones are gone.”

This illustrates perfectly what happens to me as I go through life. I try on different masks. That I tried these masks on and even wore them for awhile did not make them real, nor change who I am. But I am easily fooled into thinking I have become the role I am playing. The role becomes so real, I am so accustomed to the mask, that I forget I have a true identity.

As a very young child I tried to separate myself from my mother, demanding my independence even though I wasn?t ready for it. It was very frustrating for my mom as it was for me when my children entered that stage of their development. At each stage I thought I was developing into an independent, separate person.

As I grew older, the need to complete this separation process became more acute. I needed to know who I was. I tried on a lot of masks as I moved through the process. As a teenager, I traded one mask for another as quickly as I discovered them. I tried being more mature, more glamorous, more hip. I tried being sophisticated. Periodically, I tried going back to being a child.

Even as I moved into adulthood, I kept trying on masks, trying to find one that ?fit?; that felt like me. I wore a student mask off and on for awhile. I saw myself as a college student with all that implied for me. I saw myself as an intellectual, but also as a party person; a combination that was not easy to balance.

I tried on the mask of a more mature wife and mother and when I looked into the mirror, I didn?t recognize that person and was really scared of the responsibility represented by that mask. I took that one off for awhile and threw on a mask easier to wear. I pretty much liked the free spirit mask. There was lots of alcohol, drugs, free sex, hard rocking music, burning my bra, paying lip service to saving the rainforest, and stopping the war, if not actually doing much about it. I liked the thought of connecting myself with these lofty ideas, but it is a little hard to do a lot about it and keep up with the partying.

Well, that pretty much got me through the sixties and into the seventies, but that mask became a little too dangerous to wear. It also became heavy with guilt and regrets, so I put it aside. I wandered around trying first one mask then another, feeling uprooted and uncertain. There was a lot of depression going on as I tried to discover myself, and nothing seemed a good fit.

What I couldn?t see at the time was that I wasn?t alone in my search; that all along there was a guiding hand.  Even as I tried these things, there was a guide showing me another way. I ignored my guide for so long that I no longer recognized His help when it came my way, but it was always there and helped me to, eventually, get where I am now.

I was looking, in my mind?s eye, at the discarded pile of masks and thinking what a waste of time all that was. But then I thought, no, not a waste of time. Every role I played, every mask I tried on, taught me valuable lessons. I learned through my errors and the personal guilt they brought me to feel compassion for others as they look for their own path. I learned to forgive others and myself for what I thought were horrible mistakes, and to accept that they were only learning experiences.

For a long time, I was unable to discern my true Self. I thought I was the mask, not the person wearing the mask. But as I discarded the masks I was brought closer to the realization that I am not any of these roles I play. As I took off the mask of one role and picked up the mask of another, I didn?t cease to exist. Who was I in that interim? What I learned is that I have a true identity that the roles I choose to play in my life are masking. I have spent the last several years of my life, learning about my true Self.

What I have learned is this: My true Self is me as God created me, perfectly preserved, waiting for me to notice. And what else could be there? How could I have ever thought differently? To think that I could be different than what God created me to be is arrogance of a degree as to be almost comical. What am I saying here? Am I suggesting that I have the power to un-create what God created? God created me like Himself, so I am powerful, but I am not more powerful than my Creator. Even in my most foolish moment, I could not really believe that. The closest I could come is to pretend that I can?t see the obvious.

So here I am, a child of God, created like Him, therefore powerful and holy; powerful enough to move mountains, holy enough to heal the sick and raise the dead. Didn?t Jesus promise that I could do all he did and more? Why does this sound so unlikely? It even sounds scary to think of it.

I think it is because I have spent so much time making small the power my Father has given me. Instead of playing the Child of God, I have been playing little roles. I have been trying to be something I am not. I have allowed this behavior to obscure the truth of who I am. The most damaging thing I have done to myself is to obscure the truth that I am whole, that I am a part of you and a part of God. I have believed that I exist in a separated state, little me in defense against evil. No wonder I have been afraid and depressed in my life. No wonder I have been guilty and regretful. I thought I had thrown away my birth right. I thought I had thumbed my nose at God and made myself into something He doesn?t know.

I am truly the prodigal son spoken of in Luke 15. I have squandered the gifts of my Father, but He doesn?t care about my foolish mistakes. He only wants me to remember who I am. He doesn?t forgive me because He never condemned me. It is only I who condemned myself to a life without the peace and love of my Father. It is only I who can set aside all those roles I chose to play and all the masks I have worn in this illusion and choose instead to recognize the truth of who I really am; God?s holy child, forever perfect as He created me.

Just as I have been easily fooled into believing in the role I am playing, into thinking I am the mask I wear, I have been equally fooled by your mask. I have thought you were what you did. I have thought the role you are playing defines you and identifies you. But it is not true. You are not a gay couple. You are not a recovering addict. You are not a student, a father, a black man. There are no thieves, no liars, no cowards. There are no strong people, no weak people, no leaders, no followers. There are only children of God, still just as He created them. When they slip out of their masks, and walk away from the roles they have chosen, I will recognize them for who they are and wonder how I could have been so fooled by such flimsy evidence.

Can I see my true Self now? Can I see you as you really are? Is it really only a matter of choosing to recognize the truth of who we are? Could it really be that easy? Well, I never said it was easy. It is that simple, but I have not found it to be so easy. It requires great vigilance to remember my true identity. It also requires that I remember your identity as well. God created you perfect just as He did me. He did not favor me over you. In fact, He created us just the same and that is the secret of our strength. We are strong in our sameness, in our wholeness. We experience our wholeness only when we recognize that we are one. It is in our unity that we know our true self and experience our perfection.

So, if I look at you and see only the mask you wear, I am teaching myself that I am only the mask I wear. What do I see when I look at someone else? This is where my vigilance is important. When I went to visit my friend in the hospital, it would have been easy to see her has sick, weak and vulnerable, but that is only the role she was playing now. ?Sick person? is the mask she was wearing. I give that vision of her to God and ask that I might see her as she truly is. I ask to see her as God sees her, brilliant and beautiful and perfect and very very holy. This picture of her whole and healed is the vision I hold for her until she is able to look past her own role playing and see this for herself. This is my healing prayer for her.

Sometimes the picture I see of the other person is too vivid for me to see past. This often happens when fear becomes part of the equation. Imagine that you were fired from your job and you could not see that you had done anything wrong. Wouldn?t you be angry with your boss? Wouldn?t you think he was jerk? How hard would it be to see him as a child of God instead?

It would be hard for me because I would be feeling fear at the loss of income. In my fear and frustration, I would want to lash out. It would be hard to see this differently. Luckily, God has provided me with the help I need to change my perspective. I have His Voice and I can ask for help. I can give all this fear, and all the thoughts around the fear, to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to show me another way to see it. I can ask Him to show me the reality of my boss; the real person behind the mask.

Even if I am not entirely willing to see him differently, I can give what willingness I have and then ask that the Holy Spirit help my unwillingness. In the one case, I would be looking out of a victim mask and into an attacker mask. The Holy Spirit will change my vision if I let Him. He will help me take off the victim mask so that I can see I am my Father?s Son and then I can see the boss?s true identity and know he is my Father?s Son as well. He is not the attacker that his mask is showing me; he is my brother. Together we are One.

I look at my children and see them as the roles they play for me, which are different than the roles they play for their friends, the roles they play for their bosses and co-workers, for their own children. Sometimes I get a glimpse of one of their other roles, and I have a flash of realization. For a moment, I recognize how flimsy are the trappings that define their different roles. And right beneath these masks, these costumes, is something else for me to see. As Dan Joseph puts it: For a moment, our hearts are touched by a flash of beauty ? perhaps we see it in a friend or family member; perhaps a stranger. But for a moment, we find a glimmer of something that we didn?t know was there.

For a moment, there?s a shimmering of glory that makes the costume seem ridiculous. It might be gone an instant later, but we saw it. And we can see it again. As we let our vision be led past the outer trappings, the light within begins to emerge.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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