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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity, P 1. 4-7-15

VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity

1 Grandeur is of God, and only of Him. Therefore it is in you. Whenever you become aware of it, however dimly, you abandon the ego automatically, because in the presence of the grandeur of God the meaninglessness of the ego becomes perfectly apparent. When this occurs, even though it does not understand it, the ego believes that its “enemy” has struck, and attempts to offer gifts to induce you to return to its “protection.” Self-inflation is the only offering it can make. The grandiosity of the ego is its alternative to the grandeur of God. Which will you choose?


Journal
I have slipped in and out of grandeur, sometimes the “however dimly” type, and occasionally, something closer to reality.  I notice each time that it is the ego mind offering me its dubious gifts that draws my attention back to the illusion. I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting this, even the subtle call of the dream. I often remind myself of what is happening, even as it is happening. I say to myself, “This is the ego trying to entice me back into the dream.” Sometimes that snaps me out of it, and sometimes it is an opportunity to ask for help with it.

I have a card that I am carrying with me today. It has three statements of truth on it. I carry this with me today to reinforce this truth. I will look at it periodically, and especially if I notice myself choosing ego. It says:

Spirit am I, a holy son of God, free of all limits, safe and healed and whole, free to forgive, and free to save the world. And, God Himself is incomplete without me. And, My mind is part of God’s. I am very holy.

Since I wrote that card out and contemplated the power of those words, the ego has been working overtime to get my attention. As I was getting ready for work, I became aware of the ego chatter that still goes on in my mind, especially at times like this. That chatter is the ego attempt to pull me away from the truth of my being and back to the ego idea of life.

I was thinking of work, and I was having this imaginary conversation with my boss defending my image as a really good sales person. The ego likes this one because it has actual proof that this true and because I used to care so much about this. Because I have lost interest in seeing myself as a good sales person, I soon grow bored with this inner conversation and that’s when I notice that this is the ego offering me grandiosity in place of the grandeur of the words in the statement of truth on my card.

As soon as I stop listening to how great my salesperson image is, the ego tries its scare tactics. If I stop caring about sales, I will suffer for it. I will lose customers and wind up getting fired before I am ready to retire. And anyway, who would I be without my salesperson image? And that’s when it offers me another grandiose image; you would be an awesome minister and course teacher. You would write books everyone would want to read. People would be lining up to become your student.

Well, I am exaggerating because if it were that blatant I would just laugh. But though it is subtler, that is the image the ego offers. It would make of my ministry just another way to be separate and attack my brothers. It says that it will be worth my soul to be seen as grand. There was a time when I believed everything the ego promised and every threat it made. There was a time when I lived for the achievements regardless of the cost to my brothers, no matter who I had to attack to get that win. And I suffered equally when I failed as I inevitably would, because an achievement made at the expense of another is no achievement.

What is helpful to me is that I now recognize the ego chatter about my image and how I must defend it for what it is. I might get briefly interested in what it has to say, but I always change my mind. Even its fear tactics are not enough to pull me away from my purpose, at least not for long. I have seen the light, as they say. And in that light I see that it is easy to distinguish the difference between grandiosity and grandeur.  I am willing to know the truth and accept it. I am going to remind myself often, today, of what I am. I am going to be vigilant for the ego chatter that offers me something else and I am going to release it.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 8. 4-6-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 8
8 Whenever you question your value, say:
God Himself is incomplete without me.
Remember this when the ego speaks, and you will not hear it. The truth about you is so lofty that nothing unworthy of God is worthy of you. Choose, then, what you want in these terms, and accept nothing that you would not offer to God as wholly fitting for Him. You do not want anything else. Return your part to Him, and He will give you all of Himself in exchange for the return of what belongs to Him and renders Him complete.

Journal
How do I stop hearing the ego voice? I remember that God Himself is incomplete without me. What could the ego say that could matter to me, that could mean anything? The ego is busy telling me how separate and alone I am, and thinking of ways to make that better. Invite folks over, finagle an invitation to a party or out to eat, manipulate folks into being with me. But the problem is made up as are the ineffective solutions. How could I be alone when I am one with all of creation and with the Creator of all?

The ego tries to convince me that I am guilty and brings up bad behavior from the past and possible sins of the future. Then it tries to fix it all, by rewriting the past in my mind, by making it someone else’s fault, by planning carefully, thinking ahead what I will say or do so I look innocent. But again, the problem is not real and needs no solution. I am innocent because that is how God created me. Nothing in this illusion can alter that fact. As I am innocent so is everyone else.

The ego points out all I lack and all I have lost. It warns me of losses to come. It offers me all sorts of plans to compensate for losses and to ward off future loss. But how can the Son of God lack anything? How can he lose anything? Let me remember always to turn away from these foolish thoughts of loss, lack, guilt, loneliness and all the other “gifts” of the ego. I would bring nothing to myself that I would not share with God.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations, P 7. 4-2-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 7
7 I have said that the ego does not know what a real question is. Lack of knowledge of any kind is always associated with unwillingness to know, and this produces a total lack of knowledge simply because knowledge is total. Not to question your littleness therefore is to deny all knowledge, and keep the ego’s whole thought system intact. You cannot retain part of a thought system, because it can be questioned only at its foundation. And this must be questioned from beyond it, because within it its foundation does stand. The Holy Spirit judges against the reality of the ego’s thought system merely because He knows its foundation is not true. Therefore, nothing that arises from it means anything. He judges every belief you hold in terms of where it comes from. If it comes from God, He knows it to be true. If it does not, He knows that it is meaningless.

Journal
There are two things I want to take away from this paragraph. One is that to question any part of my current thought system is to question it all, and to keep any part of it is to keep it all. If I believe that the neighbor who turns out to be a pedophile is guilty, then I will never believe that I am innocent, even if I believe that every other being on earth is innocent.

If I believe that my neighbor who doesn’t cut his grass often enough is guilty then I will never know that I am innocent, even if I believe that everyone else is innocent. If I judge either of those two neighbors, and only those two and no one else, judgment is still part of my belief system and I will always judge myself and believe others are judging me.

Thought systems are not a buffet line. I don’t get to pick and choose, to believe in one moment and when inconvenient to believe, in the next moment, disbelieve. Belief systems are whole. To believe any part of it is to believe it all. I have moments when I wholly believe what Holy Spirit tells me about my true nature and in that moment I am in Heaven, both figuratively and actually. But in any one moment I cannot hold two different systems in my mind, and to be happy, I must stop jumping from one to the other.

The other thing I will take from this paragraph is the simplicity of Holy Spirit’s judgment. He has one criteria to judge my beliefs. If it comes from God it is true and if it comes from ego it is meaningless. Because it is simple and straight forward it is easy to understand and simple to live by. The ego mind would make it very complicated and impossible to understand as it argued for exceptions and justifications. The spiritual ego would throw out desperate excuses for the one it could not forgive instead of simply knowing that if it did not come from God it is not real and so there is nothing to forgive.

I cannot yet reliably know what is real and what is not within my thought system because I am still too identified with ego. But the Holy Spirit is the truth in my mind and He will choose for me if I ask Him to. That is His function and He never fails to respond when I ask. I only need to notice when I am unhappy and realize that is not God’s Will so I must be thinking something God would not think. Then I ask that my mind be healed. I ask that my thoughts be corrected and that I see differently. I ask for the Atonement.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations, P 6. 4-1-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 6
6 You cannot evaluate an insane belief system from within it. Its range precludes this. You can only go beyond it, look back from a point where sanity exists and see the contrast. Only by this contrast can insanity be judged as insane. With the grandeur of God in you, you have chosen to be little and to lament your littleness. Within the system that dictated this choice the lament is inevitable. Your littleness is taken for granted there and you do not ask, “Who granted it?” The question is meaningless within the ego’s thought system, because it would open the whole thought system to question.

Journal
I understand what Jesus is saying about not being able to evaluate an insane belief system from within it. My ex-husband, Charlie, who was schizophrenic would experience his illness in cycles. There were times when he was perfectly sane (or at least as sane as any of us) and then he would go into a cycle where his brain misfired and he thought everyone was out to get him. He would imagine things and believe them. He would hear voices that no one else heard and he thought they were real.

When he was in a good cycle he would be able to recognize that he had a mental illness and that his behavior had been erratic at best. He knew that he did not think straight when this happened. He even asked me to put him away someplace if that became necessary because he didn’t want to hurt anyone. But when he went into the cycle where he didn’t think straight, all that went out the door. He couldn’t, from within that insane thought system, realize that he was not thinking clearly. From within that strange thought system it seemed as if everyone else was insane.

I see that his condition is not uncommon, simply extreme. When I have become caught up in an ego storm of some sort, I became very confused. I forgot what it is like to be sane. In those times I thought that fear and guilt, anger and depression were not only normal, but absolutely justified. I thought that there was nothing else to feel.

This is not so extreme for me now, but that is because I have been out of the ego system enough that even when I get lost in ego, I can still remember enough to know what is happening. For this reason I can get out of it faster and not suffer so much while I am in it. I can even see that someday, maybe soon, I will no longer fall back into that thought system. Even now, I can laugh at it when I see what is happening, so perfect freedom can’t be too far off.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 5. 3-31-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?

Journal
In the past my problem was that I would do unloving things, or have unloving thoughts, and I used this as proof that I was unloving. I held grievances against even people I loved. I avoided people I didn’t like. I laughed at unkind jokes and shared gossip at the water cooler. How could I see myself as good, when it was obvious I was not good?

Slowly, as I studied and practiced the Course, and lived it the best I could, I began to understand that what I do is not what I am. With just this little bit of understanding, I was able to start using the unloving acts and thoughts as indication there was still something in my mind that was sick and needed healing. Instead of being something that caused me shame, I was often able to see it as red flags, indicators, and know that it could change.

I was also able, eventually, to detach from these thoughts and their effects, knowing that we all share them. While I seemed to be healing me, I was really healing the Sonship, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking. I forget this sometimes, and there are times when I am unable to detach, at least at first. Eventually, I remember my function, and remember that I am the light of the world.

My part is so small, so simple. I desire to forgive all I think is true now. Just that. I desire. I notice when I desire something else and I release that to the Holy Spirit. I do this until all I desire is God. I disregard appearances, and follow my guide as if there was nothing to see but light all around me, because that is the truth.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 4. 3-30-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I have to laugh as I read this because just this morning, the ego turned on me. Last Friday, I received some very nice compliments from someone, and they came at a perfect time. I had been doubting myself and feeling less than, when right out of the blue someone I never expected to encourage me did so in a most surprising way. I felt gratitude toward her, and I took it as a gift from the Universe and was happy to have it.

Then this morning, I woke up with the thought that maybe I was too forthcoming and that it would cost me in the end. Maybe the loving feeling I had toward this person was misplaced, and really, I always have been too trusting. I saw that this was a grievance and I pulled myself together. I remembered that there is only one problem and the solution is readily available to me. I let this insanity go.

So just now as I read that the ego is particularly likely to attack me when I react lovingly, I just had to laugh. It certainly does. It can be vicious in its attack. This whole paragraph shows the ego’s true colors. It is confused and afraid. It doesn’t understand anything and so it attacks blindly at anything that threatens its idea of reality in even small ways.

As I think about this, I understand completely, because I have experienced this ego confusion and fear many times. I felt myself lash out in anger simply because I felt threatened. I did this even when I was unsure of the threat. When I identify with the ego, I feel the ego’s reactions as if they were mine. So I feel the fear and rage that comes with being uncertain, and I think I am angry and afraid and uncertain.

But I am not the ego and as I turn from the ego idea of reality, and listen to the Voice for God remind me of my true nature, I detach from that sad and fearful identity. It seems difficult at times, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes. The solution is right there in my mind next to the problem. The miracle is instantaneous once I decide for it. Just like that, I went from suspicion back to gratitude, from fear to love.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9,VII. The Two Evaluations, P 5. 3-26-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 5.
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?

Journal
One of the favorite ego strategies to keep me in the illusion is to bring up the past. I remember particularly bad choices I made at different times of my life and I feel shame or regret. I feel like a bad person and I definitely do not love the person I was, and by extension, I do not love the self I am now. Holding these judgements in my mind they are as valid now as when the incidents occurred. I keep them alive through my continued judgement of them.

Another way the ego works is to see others as their past actions, or to judge them now. When I judge anyone, I judge myself. I judge them according to what I believe about myself and they are one with me so what I do to them I do to me. As well, when I don’t act lovingly to someone else, I don’t feel loving.

The ego has a lot of strange and ineffective strategies to convince me and (I hope others) that I am loveable. Get a doting husband. Guilt the kids into being around more, or alternatively, buy their affection which will make it seem I am loveable to them. Do nice things for people. Be agreeable. Be a people pleaser. Get rid of people who see me as unlovable, discount their opinions, especially in front of someone who might believe them. None of this works.

The only way to know I am Love is to let go of grievances and to see what lies behind them. I am loveable because I am as God created me. Knowing that as a concept is just not the same as feeling it, knowing it because I have seen behind the veil of grievances to what lives as Self. I cannot use grievances to protect myself. There is no reason to keep them, and every reason to release them.

 

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