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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations, P 6. 4-1-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 6
6 You cannot evaluate an insane belief system from within it. Its range precludes this. You can only go beyond it, look back from a point where sanity exists and see the contrast. Only by this contrast can insanity be judged as insane. With the grandeur of God in you, you have chosen to be little and to lament your littleness. Within the system that dictated this choice the lament is inevitable. Your littleness is taken for granted there and you do not ask, “Who granted it?” The question is meaningless within the ego’s thought system, because it would open the whole thought system to question.

Journal
I understand what Jesus is saying about not being able to evaluate an insane belief system from within it. My ex-husband, Charlie, who was schizophrenic would experience his illness in cycles. There were times when he was perfectly sane (or at least as sane as any of us) and then he would go into a cycle where his brain misfired and he thought everyone was out to get him. He would imagine things and believe them. He would hear voices that no one else heard and he thought they were real.

When he was in a good cycle he would be able to recognize that he had a mental illness and that his behavior had been erratic at best. He knew that he did not think straight when this happened. He even asked me to put him away someplace if that became necessary because he didn’t want to hurt anyone. But when he went into the cycle where he didn’t think straight, all that went out the door. He couldn’t, from within that insane thought system, realize that he was not thinking clearly. From within that strange thought system it seemed as if everyone else was insane.

I see that his condition is not uncommon, simply extreme. When I have become caught up in an ego storm of some sort, I became very confused. I forgot what it is like to be sane. In those times I thought that fear and guilt, anger and depression were not only normal, but absolutely justified. I thought that there was nothing else to feel.

This is not so extreme for me now, but that is because I have been out of the ego system enough that even when I get lost in ego, I can still remember enough to know what is happening. For this reason I can get out of it faster and not suffer so much while I am in it. I can even see that someday, maybe soon, I will no longer fall back into that thought system. Even now, I can laugh at it when I see what is happening, so perfect freedom can’t be too far off.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 5. 3-31-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?

Journal
In the past my problem was that I would do unloving things, or have unloving thoughts, and I used this as proof that I was unloving. I held grievances against even people I loved. I avoided people I didn’t like. I laughed at unkind jokes and shared gossip at the water cooler. How could I see myself as good, when it was obvious I was not good?

Slowly, as I studied and practiced the Course, and lived it the best I could, I began to understand that what I do is not what I am. With just this little bit of understanding, I was able to start using the unloving acts and thoughts as indication there was still something in my mind that was sick and needed healing. Instead of being something that caused me shame, I was often able to see it as red flags, indicators, and know that it could change.

I was also able, eventually, to detach from these thoughts and their effects, knowing that we all share them. While I seemed to be healing me, I was really healing the Sonship, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking. I forget this sometimes, and there are times when I am unable to detach, at least at first. Eventually, I remember my function, and remember that I am the light of the world.

My part is so small, so simple. I desire to forgive all I think is true now. Just that. I desire. I notice when I desire something else and I release that to the Holy Spirit. I do this until all I desire is God. I disregard appearances, and follow my guide as if there was nothing to see but light all around me, because that is the truth.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 4. 3-30-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I have to laugh as I read this because just this morning, the ego turned on me. Last Friday, I received some very nice compliments from someone, and they came at a perfect time. I had been doubting myself and feeling less than, when right out of the blue someone I never expected to encourage me did so in a most surprising way. I felt gratitude toward her, and I took it as a gift from the Universe and was happy to have it.

Then this morning, I woke up with the thought that maybe I was too forthcoming and that it would cost me in the end. Maybe the loving feeling I had toward this person was misplaced, and really, I always have been too trusting. I saw that this was a grievance and I pulled myself together. I remembered that there is only one problem and the solution is readily available to me. I let this insanity go.

So just now as I read that the ego is particularly likely to attack me when I react lovingly, I just had to laugh. It certainly does. It can be vicious in its attack. This whole paragraph shows the ego’s true colors. It is confused and afraid. It doesn’t understand anything and so it attacks blindly at anything that threatens its idea of reality in even small ways.

As I think about this, I understand completely, because I have experienced this ego confusion and fear many times. I felt myself lash out in anger simply because I felt threatened. I did this even when I was unsure of the threat. When I identify with the ego, I feel the ego’s reactions as if they were mine. So I feel the fear and rage that comes with being uncertain, and I think I am angry and afraid and uncertain.

But I am not the ego and as I turn from the ego idea of reality, and listen to the Voice for God remind me of my true nature, I detach from that sad and fearful identity. It seems difficult at times, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes. The solution is right there in my mind next to the problem. The miracle is instantaneous once I decide for it. Just like that, I went from suspicion back to gratitude, from fear to love.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

Study of Text, Chapter 9,VII. The Two Evaluations, P 5. 3-26-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 5.
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?

Journal
One of the favorite ego strategies to keep me in the illusion is to bring up the past. I remember particularly bad choices I made at different times of my life and I feel shame or regret. I feel like a bad person and I definitely do not love the person I was, and by extension, I do not love the self I am now. Holding these judgements in my mind they are as valid now as when the incidents occurred. I keep them alive through my continued judgement of them.

Another way the ego works is to see others as their past actions, or to judge them now. When I judge anyone, I judge myself. I judge them according to what I believe about myself and they are one with me so what I do to them I do to me. As well, when I don’t act lovingly to someone else, I don’t feel loving.

The ego has a lot of strange and ineffective strategies to convince me and (I hope others) that I am loveable. Get a doting husband. Guilt the kids into being around more, or alternatively, buy their affection which will make it seem I am loveable to them. Do nice things for people. Be agreeable. Be a people pleaser. Get rid of people who see me as unlovable, discount their opinions, especially in front of someone who might believe them. None of this works.

The only way to know I am Love is to let go of grievances and to see what lies behind them. I am loveable because I am as God created me. Knowing that as a concept is just not the same as feeling it, knowing it because I have seen behind the veil of grievances to what lives as Self. I cannot use grievances to protect myself. There is no reason to keep them, and every reason to release them.

 

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4. 3-25-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I am beginning to see myself from the Holy Spirit’s point of view. My mind is still conflicted, because when the ego responds, and as Jesus says, some of those responses are vicious, I still find myself believing the ego. My actions and words and thoughts seem to justify the ego viewpoint of me as unloving.

On the other hand, I am also becoming aware that I am not what the ego insists I am. It is hard to put into words because there is still some confusion around the issue. But I will speak to someone, or react to someone and realize that this is not the “me” I used to think I was. I am just not what the ego says I am.

I do feel connected and I do feel forgiving and loving. I see neediness instead of love and I see myself gravitating toward special love, and yet, I feel genuine love, real love that is not just for some people and I feel love that asks for nothing in return. I am becoming aware of both evaluations, and often I am choosing to believe the Holy Spirit’s evaluation, if not completely, at least enough to see how different this feels.

In the meantime, I am learning to open my heart to what I do not yet know completely. I am learning to step back in a way I have not done so in the past. I step back from understanding with my mind, and allow understanding to flood my heart. I trust it even if I don’t experience it in a way that is familiar. I seem to “know” that something just happened, and with time I see the change unfold within me. I see it in my actions and reactions and in my feelings.

First there was a little willingness that grew. Then lots of practice and great vigilance. Finally, I began to allow and accept. And now, this opening of the heart which is a deeper allowance and acceptance, something that happens without the thinking mind being involved at all. It is still new and I ask Jesus for help with it because it is so unfamiliar, but I like this.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
You may freely share copies of this with your friends, provided this notice is included.

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Posted by Rev. Myron Jones.

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