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Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Yesterday I spent the day with one of those customers that you cannot please no matter what you do for them. I recognized that I was judging and that I was resentful toward her. I used a forgiveness process and thought that I had done my work. But then I noticed that I was still having judgmental thoughts about her. I searched my mind for those thoughts and asked for another way to see. Again I thought I was through. Then when I got ready for bed and was putting the day to rest, I noticed that I felt very uncomfortable about this issue. Now not only was I unforgiving toward her, but I was unforgiving toward myself as I felt guilty for holding onto the grievance.

I thought about it and decided that this was one of those blessings in disguise. There was something within myself that needed healing and I just wasn’t getting it. So I asked the Holy Spirit to work with me in my sleep where I might be less resistant. This morning I saw that I was at the Forgiveness page in the workbook and thought how appropriate that was. And I am sure that it was no coincidence that the CD I was listening to yesterday was on forgiveness. Once we commit to awakening, what we need to awaken is provided. This customer is a perfect example of that, and the fact that what I needed to deal with it was right there at hand is another example.

I love Jesus’ discourse on forgiveness. I have read it with different ears at different times in my life, each time bringing me a little deeper into the meaning. This morning it was perfect for my forgiveness lesson. I read: Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred. I have read that many, many times over the years. At first it was meaningless to me, then as I became more open to hearing it, I began to understand. It has opened to me as a rose, each petal offering a awareness that is perfect for my immediate need and ability to understand. As I grow another petal unfolds bringing me deeper into the meaning.

Yesterday, I was hung up on the idea that my customer really was wrong. I kept trying to forgive her for something she clearly did. I don’t know why I couldn’t see that while it was happening. I guess I just didn’t want to be the one responsible for my anger. I didn’t even want to admit I was angry. I found it so easy to find evidence that she was wrong. She was acting selfish and self centered. She cared only about herself. She was unappreciative. I attributed my “annoyance” with the heat, and lord knows it was hot! I was dehydrated and exhausted. I was frustrated in not being able to fix her problem. I had so many reasons for how I felt and so much proof that she was wrong.

But no matter what it looked like, I knew that I was kidding myself, and the energy of blame and accusation was so unpleasant that by this morning I was more than ready to get serious about forgiveness. In the end it was just so simple. I looked at the situation knowing, really KNOWING that my customer is completely innocent. The weather is completely innocent. Starting from that absolute and unassailable truth, I was able to look at the feelings the situation brought up for me, and ask myself why I recognize them.

I began this by thinking that she was selfish and self centered. How do I recognize selfishness? It could only happen if I have been selfish and self centered myself. I thought of times when I have acted in this way. I paid attention to how it made me feel when I thought of those instances in my life when I acted in a self centered way. It didn’t feel good. It felt heavy and dark; not at all like the joy and lightness I had been experiencing before this came up. I knew that I was willing to forgive myself for being selfish in the past, for being selfish now, and for any selfish behavior in the future.

I don’t know how to forgive, but I know that the Holy Spirit will step in and accomplish forgiveness if I come to Him with willingness. I have learned that it is not a matter of logic; it is not a job for the thinking mind. It is easy to read the lesson and know what it means intellectually. But those words are just pointing me in the right direction. They do not cause forgiveness. For forgiveness to happen, I must want it wholly. I cannot want forgiveness and also to be right about my grievance. If I expect to forgive and to reap the rewards of forgiveness then the way to have that is to want forgiveness above all things.

To forgive I must be willing to see that it is always myself I forgive. The more quickly I move out of the idea that someone or something outside of me is the cause of my discomfort, the more quickly I can allow forgiveness. I don’t have to do anything to make forgiveness happen, but only be fully willing for it to happen. Yesterday while I was distracted by my need to see my problems as caused by something outside me, I couldn’t forgive. I was trying to hold two completely opposing thoughts at the same time while I was trying to forgive and at the same time judge. This morning, all I wanted was forgiveness and suddenly I was laughing at my obstinacy of yesterday. What seemed impossible yesterday, today simply is.

© 2007, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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