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October - December, 2009

The Gratitude I Earn

Susan Dugan

Lately I have caught myself in the act of joining in long, self-indulgent, highly enjoyable conversations with other mothers on my daughter’s soccer team equally miffed about the antics of their likewise unappreciative, insensitive spawn. I have caught myself blaming associates for failing to recognize my talents and contributions, blaming those I live with for failing to thank me for the meals, the laundry, the rides, and the sympathy I so regularly and conditionally proffer.

I have caught myself in the act of offering and thereby receiving conditional gratitude, and in so doing, have severed myself from the only true gratitude that exists — gratitude for what I truly am, and for the gift of forgiveness that enables me to remember.

I went through a period, in my search to reclaim what seemed missing in my life, of embracing the practice of gratitude so popular in recent years — articulating a couple things I was grateful for every day in my morning meditation; encouraging my daughter before bed each night to give thanks for the kindnesses and delights she’d experienced that day, the kid on the playground that let her go first on the ringers. The happy accident of a Golden Lab puppy encountered on a walk in the park, the taste of the tropics evoked by her favorite coconut ice cream once again available at the corner parlor, the gift of grandparents and family friends who loved and supported her, our resilient green earth. The idea was that extending a heartfelt thank you was more than the right and polite thing to do; it could actually milk the universe of more prosperity, more success, more recognition, more understanding, more love. By counting our blessings we could invite even more into our life, while somehow minimizing the inevitable pain of a dualistic world.

The ultimate problem? Other kids have bad days, puppies die, ice cream melts, grandparents age and sicken and can no longer visit, friends move on; our resilient green earth grows weary in its orbit of our repeated assaults in the name of human progress. Little girls, who once thought you hung the moon, now blame you for every obstacle encountered in their otherwise meteoric rise toward independence. Parents who once walked on water now drown in a sea of heretofore unnoticed imperfections.

The ego thought system always wants to help us devise ways to coax more from our illusory environment. But there is never enough to replenish the metaphoric hole we carry in our metaphoric hearts — the result of what A Course in Miracles calls the “tiny mad idea” of running away from the one home we share, the one and only heart that still beats in us despite our persistent denial. However hard we try, we cannot coerce a world specifically designed by the ego to keep us seeking outside ourselves, but never (permanently) finding, into delivering the eternal happiness we forfeited when we believed we separated from God. We followed the ego into a projection of our guilt over that seeming rupture. Like the special love bargains we make in this world — contracts that stipulate what you must do to retain my love — our gratitude is equally conditional, based on our need for external approval and recognition for all we give. Based on a nagging sense of lack, nothing outside us can ever ultimately satisfy.

A Course in Miracles Workbook Lesson 197, “It can be but my gratitude I earn,” describes the manipulative role gratitude plays in the ego thought system:

“You make attempts at kindness and forgiveness. Yet you turn them to attack again, unless you find external gratitude and lavish thanks. Your gifts must be received with honor, lest they be withdrawn. And so you think God’s gifts are loans at best; at worst, deceptions which would cheat you of defenses, to ensure that when He strikes He will not fail to kill.”

When we listen to the ego we believe that this world’s God, created by the ego in his image, is equally hooked on external appreciation, on the habit A Course in Miracles calls “giving to get,” a habit that at its core reflects the murderous thought of annihilating our source that drives the defense/attack cycle in which we seem hopelessly mired. The ego’s God is equally stingy with his love because what passes for love in this world is ephemeral at best, and never, ever enough.

“The gratitude I earn,” the unique definition of gratitude referred to in A Course in Miracles, is the true gratitude for the one love I am that — appearances to the contrary — embraces all the seeming fragments at war with themselves to prove themselves in a world that exists only in my split mind. The gratitude I earn is thankfulness for the one Love I am when I remember without self-judgment to forgive what I am not — the ego’s perceived need for specialness.

The gratitude I earn is my growing appreciation that no one or thing outside my mind could possibly jeopardize the peace I am, despite what the body’s eyes would have me believe. I earn that gratitude through the Course’s radical process of forgiveness. How? By catching myself in the act of feeling unappreciated by my child, my colleague, my spouse, my friend, recognizing that the problem perceived “out there” is merely another product of my ego-identified mind, and asking for help from my right mind to see things differently. 

“It does not matter if another thinks your gifts unworthy. In his mind there is a part that joins with yours in thanking you. It does not matter if your gifts seem lost and ineffectual. They are received where they are given.”

Through the consistent practice of forgiveness our one mind begins to heal. I am beginning to actually appreciate my own judgments, the red flags that remind me I have once again forfeited happiness by believing in an illusion of unfair treatment. But it is all in my mind and I can and must choose again. Recognizing my true identity in the person I want to blame for overlooking all I have given eventually teaches me to awaken from this nightmare of specialness and separation I have chosen over perfect unity. And so I offer thanks today for once again reclaiming my innocence — growing a little more conscious, a little bit closer to awakening — by changing my mind about you.

Susan Dugan is a Pathways of Light ministerial student living in Denver, Colorado.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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October - December, 2009

The One About th Jaguar

by Rev. Stephan Mead

“Dad, I’m not going to be in town for Fathers’ Day” my son informed me. It was a couple of days before June 19th.

I am part of a large family (3rd out of 9 children) and both my mom and dad passed away during the last 18 months. Father’s Day was always celebrated as an extended family affair. My brothers and sisters, spouses, our children, our children’s children, etc., would gather together for fun, fellowship, gratitude and feasting. Truly, the Walton family had nothing on us, except our jokes with each other would have never passed the TV censors.

So when my son told me about his out of town plans, it just brought up some sadness that a long tradition had ended, or perhaps more spiritually correct, a tradition was going to change. I hadn’t thought that to my children just being with me on Father’s Day was any big deal because, as is often the case, I was absorbed in my own situation of feeling loss and the emotional companions that accompany that feeling.

“Hey, no problem at all.” I replied to my son, “we’ll get together when you get back from the coast. I immediately started thinking about my three daughters, “would they want to get together on Sunday?” “Dad,” my son interrupted my thoughts, “Since I won’t be here Sunday, I want to give you your present today.” “Don’t worry about any present,” I said, “just getting together later will be present enough.”

Apparently a simple reply like “thank you” wasn’t in my vocabulary. I noticed my son seemed a bit uneasy, vocal expressions of love don’t come easily to him. (Passed on from his mothers’ side of the family?) Anyway, he continued, “I wanted to get the best for the best… here!” Accompanying the “here” was a set of keys gently tossed to me.

I must have had a look of bewilderment on my face, because my son said, “Dad, they fit that Jaguar parked on the street. See it?” Did I ever see it… Parked in front of his home was a beautiful, black highly polished Jaguar XJ8L. “Take it for a spin, dad. I hope you like it. When I bought it, I had to sign your name on the title, because I didn’t want you to have to hassle with any paperwork.” How does one respond to a gift like that? I was at a complete loss for words. I never even thought of how my children might view Father’s Day.  Besides, I was so taken by the enormity and thoughtfulness of the gift, I was only able to stutter a “wow.”

One doesn’t “hop in” a vehicle like this. I “entered” the Jag, started it up and somewhere between all the gauges, the leather, the teak wood accents, the state of the art sound system, I found the ignition and off I went. I had to pay close attention to the road because for some reason my eyes had misted up. The Jaguar drove like Jaguars drive! I remember thinking, “What just happened? Why would my son have bought this for me? No way do I deserve this. What happened to giving your dad a tie?” That is the story of how I became a Jag owner, shared with you for a little background on what I really wanted to write about.

The Course study group I regularly attend meets Monday nights. I had told a couple of my fellow students about what happened. “Well, Stephan, you’ll sure have a story to tell during miracle sharing tonight” was their comment. I actually felt my friends’ happiness for my “good fortune.” When the time came during the study session, the facilitator asked, “are there any miracles to report?” I stayed silent. There were puzzled looks from some of my friends, but I had the feeling I was missing something important, so I said nothing.

During the next couple of days I told many people my Jag story. One reason was so they wouldn’t think I stole it! Without exception, comments were always, “what a miracle.” “You’re so fortunate. Can I adopt your son?” etc. And I was appreciative. I was and still am, overwhelmed by the generosity of my son. Still, I was feeling like I was missing something very important in this whole situation. “Why would getting a possession be considered a miracle?” I wondered. The Course seems very clear that, “to change illusions is to make no change” T-22.ll.2:4

“Ownership is a dangerous concept if it is left to you.” T-13.Vll.10:10 “Oh great!” I thought, now the gift that has been bringing me so much joy can be considered dangerous.

My mind went to another puzzle which was still unresolved, “Why would finding a hundred dollar bill be looked on as a miracle, while losing a hundred dollar bill would be looked upon as bad luck?” In reality, (Reality?) one hasn’t lost or found anything. As I was experiencing the discomfort of missing an important lesson, I went back to the quote I used at the beginning of this paragraph. “Ownership is a dangerous concept if it is left to you.” T-13.Vll.10 Now the quote read differently to me, I missed the part, “if it is left to you.” I asked for an interpretation, and immediately the quote “Every loving thought is true.” T-12.l.3:3 entered my mind. A wave of happiness swept over me. I “got it.” My son loves me and I love my son. It wasn’t about the gift, it was about the love behind it. I plan on taking many trips in my Jag to more fully comprehend love!

Rev. Stephan Mead is a Pathways of Light minister living in Seattle, Washington.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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October - December, 2009

Finding the Gift in Illness

Rev. Therese Anne Ward

It happened that for about three months I had noticed that my bowel evacuation was gradually getting smaller and smaller, along with lots of gurgling in my belly. So off I went to the doctors to have my first colonoscopy. After the procedure the doctor met with me and my two daughters and explained that there was a tumor blocking the colon and it would have to be surgically removed and the colon re-sectioned and possibly a temporary colostomy while the re-sectioning healed.

Having arrived at age sixty-seven without ever having any surgery, I was naturally shocked and full of anxiety about the whole process. An appointment to see a surgeon was set up for me before we left the colon-screening center. Things were moving fast.

Linda, a lifelong friend of mine, is a retired nurse practitioner, so I asked her to come with us to the surgeon. I felt more comfortable with her along because of her training; I thought her ears could catch what I missed and explain what I didn’t know. I was apprehensive, and did not know what to expect. Except for giving births, the last of which was forty-three years ago, I had not been one to seek out doctors.

I prayed as always, in the quiet, turning it all over to Holy Spirit, affirming Spirit’s guidance through every step.

I liked the surgeon almost immediately as she entered the room. We had never met before. In fact, I had never heard of her. There was an aura of peacefulness about her. She was direct, unhurried and answered every one of my two pages of written questions, plus the ones my daughters and Linda had asked. I could not have been made more at ease.

Before we left the room, my fears were gone. I can only say the Holy Spirit was certainly working in and through her too.

Well, the surgery went off without a hitch. One week in the hospital, every day 100% improvement from the previous day! I played Jonathan Goldman’s CD’s: “Holy Harmony” which is the YHSVH chant (Yod Heh Shin Van Heh) the name for Jesus spelled in Hebrew, and “Ultimate OM.” Never once did I desire to turn on the TV.

I felt I was being palpably held in the vibration of Holy Spirit.

After the seven days, I was sent home to recooperate for six weeks. One of my sisters took two weeks of her vacation time to stay with me, since I was now living alone, being only five months into widowhood. Another sister came and helped with my care and did yard work. Family and friends and untold hundreds of others in prayer circles, supported me with love, care and prayers.

I was experiencing how thoughts make their effects in form; and the thoughts I was holding were ones I was getting with Holy Spirit. I noticed I was changing, getting more peaceful, being kinder, definitely much more appreciative of each person with whom I came in contact. And life, life is more precious in the NOW of living.

Just today I was discharged from Home Health nurse visits, after only fifteen days; three weeks ahead of schedule.

This past week I have revisited on DVD, the movies “What The (Bleep) Do We Know” and “Down The Rabbit Hole” which have been very good reminders of how thought is creative — infinite possibilities — and all is One and One is many.

There is one more surgery scheduled for me to complete this whole process. I can only say that this whole experience daily being turned over to the Holy Spirit, is indeed healing my thoughts which seems to be healing my body and making me shine.

I am reminded in ACIM, “I am not a body I am free, I am still as God created me”

“All healing is self healing” and “We are never healed alone.”

Rev. Therese Anne Ward is a Pathways of Light minister living in Newport, Kentucky

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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October - December, 2009

A Lesson in Love

Joanne Kraenzie Schneider

My husband and I have had a couple we went out with regularly for several years. We considered them our best friends. We had lots of commonalities including working out regularly and competing in athletic events, kids hitting college, mutual friends, and our spirituality. Over the years we had several discussions about our spirituality. I enjoyed these conversations.

Several months ago, when we found and shared A Course In Miracles with our friends, they simply “could not go there.” They said just that. Over the next few months, after several invitations to our Course group, it finally sunk in that they really were not interested.

As I worked on my spiritual life, in particular my grievances, I found that I was holding a grievance against our friends. I was angry. I could not even go out with them without experiencing feelings of resentment. As I did more grievance work, I repeatedly focused on our friends.

Then one day I had an insight. I considered our friends to be a “special relationship.” This was the basis for my grievances. Jesus says, “…all special relationships have elements of fear in them. This is why they shift and change so frequently.” T-15.V.4.1-2

My relationship with them changed and it was a change based on fear. I used this special relationship to support my ego. Thank God the Holy Spirit uses special relationships “…as learning experiences that point to truth.” T-15.V.4.5 My grievances taught me a huge lesson about special relationships. This insight left me with such relief. I loved our friends no less, but I could now see them as Love, the changeless kind.

This experience also taught me something else. Lessons may be where I least expect them. Maybe that is what Jesus meant when he said, “Under His teaching, every relationship becomes a lesson in love.” T-15.V.4.6

Joanne Kraenzle Schneider is a Pathways of Light ministerial student living in Festus, Missouri.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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